Name: 我不是怪物。我不是一個怪物：精神分裂症 (I Am Not A Monster: Schizophrenia | Cecilia McGough | TEDxPSU)
Uploaded: 2021-01-14T08:34:14.000Z
Duration: 14 min 41 s

Translator: Sara Palacios Reviewer: Theresa Ranft

你們好，我的名字叫做 塞西莉亞．麥克格，

我在賓州州立大學主修 天文學和天體物理學，

I'm an astronomy and astrophysics major here at Penn State,

同時也是賓州州立大學 脈衝星搜尋合作實驗室的

of the Penn State  Pulsar Search Collaboratory.

高中時，我很幸運的在合作實驗室

In high school, I was lucky enough to have co-discovered a pulsar

脈衝星是一種超高密度的中子星，

that emits dipole electromagnetic radiation.

基本上，想像一種比太陽 大上非常非常多的星體，

Basically, think of a star much, much larger than our sun,

吹去它的外層，剩下高密度的核心，

blowing away its outer layers,  leaving behind a dense core -

such as helping represent the United States

在俄羅斯舉辦的 國際太空奧林匹克競賽，

in the International Space Olympics in Russia.

還有成為弗吉尼亞州 外太空科學與技術的學者。

And also, being a Virginia aerospace science and technology scholar.

嗯，有很長的一段時間， 這個書呆子有個秘密，

Well, for the longest time,  this nerd had a secret.

一個我非常害怕也困窘於 告訴任何人的秘密，

A secret that I was too scared and too embarrassed to tell anyone.

那個秘密就是：我有思覺失調症。

That secret is that I have schizophrenia.

把思覺失調症看作是 種傘狀診斷很重要，

It's important to think of schizophrenia as an umbrella-like diagnosis.

國家精神疾病聯盟 (NAMI) 公布了 幾項思覺失調的病徵，

NAMI shows these different symptoms as a way you could diagnose schizophrenia,

such as delusions and hallucinations being the hallmark characteristics.

但重要的是要知道 一位思覺失調症的患者

But it is very important to know that a person could have schizophrenia

不一定會有妄想和幻覺的症狀。

and not have delusions and not hallucinate.

每位思覺失調症患者的 故事都是獨特的，

Each person's story with schizophrenia is unique to their own.

今天，我要說我與 思覺失調症的故事。

Today I'm going to be talking about my story with schizophrenia.

人們會認為我一生都患有思覺失調，

It has been thought  that I've had schizophrenia all my life.

其實症狀是在我高三時才加劇的，

But it became very prevalent  in my junior year of high school,

and then it just snowballed into college.

2014 年 2 月， 進大學的第一年，

February of 2014,  my freshman year of college,

when I tried to take my own life through suicide.

因為我的人生變成一場真實的噩夢，

Because my life had become a waking nightmare.

下面這些圖片經過微軟 美術效果編輯，

The following images have been edited using Microsoft's artistic effects

因為它們會喚起我太多的記憶。

because they are just too triggering for me.

在這個時候，我已經開始有幻覺了，

At this time, I had started hallucinating.

我開始看到、聽到和感覺到 一些不存在的東西，

I started seeing, hearing and feeling things that weren't there.

我所到之處，都有一個小丑跟著，

Everywhere that I went,  I was followed around by a clown

他看起來非常像史蒂芬．金 筆下「牠」的翻版，

that looked very similar to the Stephen King's adaptation of "It".

他都會咯咯笑、嘲諷我、戳我，

he would be giggling, taunting me, poking me,

And these are actually the most obtrusive sometimes

因為真實生活中也會出現小蜘蛛，

because we see little spiders in real life.

So, sometimes this is the only time I ever have difficulty

discerning whether it is  a hallucination or real life.

我能清楚的知道自己在經歷幻覺，

I'm very good at knowing  when I'm hallucinating

也明白這是腦中化學物質 不平衡所導致，

and I know that it is  a chemical imbalance inside my head.

I don't even give  these hallucinations names.

然而我的幻覺裡也有巨型蜘蛛，

特別有一隻蜘蛛到我的腦海裡，

One spider, in particular, comes to mind.

牠相當大，有皮革般的外殼、 黑色的腳和黃色的身體，

It was rather large, leathery skin,  black legs and yellow body.

牠的嘴不會發出聲音， 但當牠移動腳步，

No voice ever came out of its mouth. However, when it moved its legs,

會發出像年輕孩子笑聲般的聲響，

the creaking of the legs sounded like young children laughing.

當我的幻覺裡開始出現這個女生時，

But it started becoming unbearable when I started hallucinating this girl.

She looked sort of like  in the movie "The Ring".

她有點像電影 「七夜怪談西洋篇」裡的人物，

The thing with her was she was able to continue conversations with herself,

and would know exactly  what to say and when to say it

而且確切的知道 該在什麼時候說什麼話，

But the worst was, she would also carry a knife around with her

最糟糕的是她隨身攜帶一把刀，

and she would stab me,  sometimes in the face.

刀子會刺向我，有時是向我的臉，

This made taking tests, quizzes, and doing homework in general

這讓我在大學時的考試、寫作業

extremely difficult to impossible  when I was in college.

Sometimes I wouldn't even be able  to see the paper in front of my face

有時我甚至看不清近在眼前的考卷，

I don't usually speak so openly  about my hallucinations,

我通常不會那麼公開的 談論我的幻覺，

because people usually look at me in fear after I tell them what I see.

因為人們常常會在我告訴他們 我看到什麼後，害怕地看著我。

But the thing is, I'm not much different than the rest of you.

但重要的是，我與你們 並沒有那麼大的不同，

We all see, hear, and feel things when we are dreaming.

當我們做夢時，都能 看見、聽見與感受事物，

I'm just someone who cannot turn off  my nightmares, even when I'm awake.

而我只是一個在清醒時也 沒辦法停止做噩夢的人。

I've been hallucinating now obtrusively for about over four years.

我經歷嚴重的幻覺已經四年多了，

at just pretending  I'm not seeing what I'm seeing,

But I have triggers, such as seeing the color red is very triggering for me.

但有些東西會觸發我的幻覺 像是看到紅色，

I don't know if you guys  noticed this or not,

輪到我上台時他們把地毯換了，

They changed it to a black carpet instead of red.

I sort of laugh at my life a bit like a dark comedy, because, of course,

我會自嘲我的人生就像黑色喜劇，

the only color combination  that I have issues with is red and white.

因為我唯一會遇到問題的 顏色組合就是紅色與白色，

但這些顏色之所以會造成我的困擾

because those are the colors that the clown has:

And how I'm able to ignore him is I just don't look at him,

而我忽視他的方法就是不看他，

where that hallucination is in my peripheral vision,

because of the bright colors of red and white.

But you would never know  that I'm hallucinating.

但你永遠不會知道我正在經歷幻覺，

The clown is actually in the audience today

事實上小丑今天就在觀眾席裡，

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我不是怪物。我不是一個怪物：精神分裂症 (I Am Not A Monster: Schizophrenia | Cecilia McGough | TEDxPSU)

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