You may think OCD is about having to keep things clean and tidy all the time.

你可能會以為強迫症就是必須時刻保持一切的整潔。

But some people's OCD is actually about keeping things even.

但某些人的強迫症，是平均分配所有東西。

Say there were two books next to each other on a table, but they weren't completely lined up with each other exactly.

假設，桌上有兩本書，但它們沒有完全對齊。

I wouldn't put them straight right away.

我不會馬上把它們對齊。

I would have to kind of swap them round so that they both would have the right amount of time in front of the other book.

我會先調整它們的位置，如此一來分配給它們的時間才是平均的。

Only after a couple of minutes I would be able to straighten them out so that they were in line.

幾分鐘後，我才會將它們對齊。

Way more complicated than you thought, right?

比你想的複雜多了，對吧？

So I was about nine years old when I started making little changes to my everyday life.

從九歲起，我開始在日常生活裡做出許多小改變。

You see, I was right-handed, and I very much favored my right hand.

我本來是右撇子，而且我非常偏愛我的右手。

In fact, I did just about everything I could with my right hand, or my right leg.

事實上，我幾乎所有事都用右手或右腳去做。

Anything like that.

像這類的事情。

I would just hate using my left hand for anything.

我就是討厭用我的左手做事。

I even had to step on cracks in the road or pavement with my right foot.

甚至遇到路上的裂縫時，我一定得用右腳踩才行。

Crazy, right?

很瘋狂吧？

Anyway, when I was ten years old, one day, I suddenly thought, what was I doing?

總之，當我十歲時，有天我突然想，我到底在幹嘛？

Why was I completely leaving out my left hand?

為何我完全冷落了我的左手？

Notice how I say leaving out—that was what it felt like.

注意到我說「冷落」了嗎？這就是我的感受。

It felt like I needed to even things out to make it fair.

我當時覺得應該平均分配才公平。

That was when my OCD started, I guess.

我猜，這就是我強迫症的開端。

First of all, I told myself, I would have to go a whole year only using my left hand and foot to make up for the year before.

首先，我告訴自己，我得一整年只使用左手與左腳，來彌補上一年對它們的冷落。

After about a year, I finally felt like it was even between my left and right hands, but then I had to go around using my right and left sides equally.

約一年後，我終於覺得它們扯平了，但我開始強迫自己平均使用雙手。

And I can tell you, it was not easy.

而且我可以告訴你，這並不簡單。

My OCD only started getting worse from there.

我的強迫症變本加厲。

For example, I had to count all the time in my head, every time I breathe or even blinked.

例如，每一次呼吸，甚至是眨眼，我都會在腦中計算。

It was tedious, but I just couldn't stop myself.

這很乏味，但我就是停不下來。

Another thing that a lot of people with OCD experience is constantly feeling like somebody is listening to your thoughts.

另一個強迫症患者常有的經驗是，時常感覺有人在竊聽自己的想法。

You feel like you'll be punished somehow if you don't think the right things.

一旦腦裡不是在想正確的事情，感覺就會被處罰。

OCD is awful to live with.

強迫症令人難以承受。

If you think you may have OCD, talk to someone.

如果你認為自己可能有強迫症，找人談談吧！

Don't keep it to yourself like I did.

別像我一樣悶不吭聲。

One day, I told my parents.

有一天，我告訴了我的父母。

They took me to a counselor.

他們帶我去看諮詢師。

She really helped to improve how I was feeling.

她真的幫助我大幅改善了我的感受。

I hardly ever have to do any of my little OCD rituals anymore.

我幾乎不再做強迫症發作時會做的事了。

I guess there is a lesson to this story.

我想這故事有個可以學習的地方。

Don't suffer in silence.

就是別默默忍受一切。