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-We're coming up on the 40th anniversary
of the first 24-hour news network,
so, today, let's celebrate the Peabody Award-winning journalist
who's had more impact on the news industry than anyone else.
-"Scarface" Al Capone may have built it,
and nobody knows what's in it.
Some say money.
[ Electronic gunfire ] Some say bodies.
[Electronic gunfire] Some say it's booby-trapped.
[ Electronic gunfire ] It may be Scarface Al Capone's
biggest secret, and we'll open it on live television.
[ Suspenseful music plays ] -In 1986,
Geraldo Rivera changed the course of history.
He promised viewers a look at the contents of a vault
that might, or might not, have been Al Capone's.
-Who knows? I don't.
-Geraldo was prepared to knock America's socks off,
a task so simple, this was the sponsor.
-Brought to you by Nice'n Easy.
-After two hours of explosions...
-We're gonna blow that wall off. [chuckle]
-...and searching... -That may be significant.
We don't know. -...all under the expert
management of Geraldo...
[ Air horn blaring ]
...it was time for the big reveal!
[ Drumroll, cymbals clash ] -When we began opening
this vault nearly two hours ago,
we had no real idea what we'd find inside.
As it turns out, we haven't found very much.
[ Triumphant music climbs ]
-But Geraldo was mistaken.
He did find something in Al Capone's vault.
[ Ringing ]
30 million viewers watched!
Making Geraldo's two hours of content-free TV
the highest-rated syndicated special, ever.
-Like Thomas Edison,
Alexander Graham Bell,
and the creator of the Snuggie, [ Chime ]
Geraldo hit upon a game-changing invention
that would save the news media effort and money:
replace actual news with the possibility of news.
And, with that, no-news was born.
[ Glass shatters, cash register chimes ]
The first step was testing the waters
with more prime-time television specials.
-What they saw was not from this world.
-"Alien Autopsy: Fact or Fiction?"
-What we were looking at was a mermaid.
-Tonight, we may find a mummy.
-Millions of Americans tuned in to watch a fake alien,
a fake mermaid,
and a real Maury Povich.
[ Suspenseful chord strikes ]
It was time to send up a no-news trial balloon
over on actual news channels...
-One of the strangest things
in the history of my television career is goin' down.
-...with a story that seemed like real news,
that actually wasn't.
-I was really, really worried.
-Say hi to Wolf.
His name's Wolf. -Hi!
-Hi, guys. -Say hi?
[ Suspenseful chord strikes ] -Yeah, who the hell is Wolf?
Find out in my new special, "Wolf Blitzer: Fact or Fiction."
[ Sultry jazz plays ]
No-news was taking off.
Its long, slow,
tantric burn
allowed news networks to kill airtime,
reporting that they were simply waiting for news to happen,
a move inspired by playwright Samuel Beckett.
[ Suspenseful chord strikes ]
[ Coins clinking ] But no-news had yet to pass
its most daunting task.
In our tribal and divisive times,
could no-news be the one thing
both conservative and liberal networks agree upon?
-Donald Trump's tax returns have surfaced.
We'll go through it, next. In just a second --
A full tax return for someone like Donald Trump
would be a lot longer, but this is all we've got.
[ slow-motion ] All we've got.
-The big reveal that wasn't.
We can only imagine where Rachel Maddow got the idea.
[ Buzzer ]
-I remember watching it.
It was kind of a crazy-genius idea.
One very important and lasting lesson:
hype. works.
[ Suspenseful chords striking ]
-There are many hardworking journalists
reporting in the Fourth Estate today,
but the networks know that it's cheaper and easier
to provide 24-hour content that just feels like news.
And, since people don't wanna pay to support journalism,
no-news now has the opportunity to reign supreme forever.
We can only hope that Geraldo finally appreciates
just what he found in that vault.
[ Suspenseful chord strikes ]
[ Cheering and applause ]
-Tonight, we are live and finally going to uncover
what is hidden inside Al Capone's vault!
[ Whistling ]
[ Suspenseful chord strikes ] [ Cheering and applause ]
[ Upbeat chords striking ]


Andy Borowitz: Where Did The News Go? | Now It All Makes Sense

30 分類 收藏
林宜悉 發佈於 2019 年 11 月 9 日
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