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  • ♪♪

  • -We're coming up on the 40th anniversary

  • of the first 24-hour news network,

  • so, today, let's celebrate the Peabody Award-winning journalist

  • who's had more impact on the news industry than anyone else.

  • -"Scarface" Al Capone may have built it,

  • and nobody knows what's in it.

  • Some say money.

  • [ Electronic gunfire ] Some say bodies.

  • [Electronic gunfire] Some say it's booby-trapped.

  • [ Electronic gunfire ] It may be Scarface Al Capone's

  • biggest secret, and we'll open it on live television.

  • [ Suspenseful music plays ] -In 1986,

  • Geraldo Rivera changed the course of history.

  • He promised viewers a look at the contents of a vault

  • that might, or might not, have been Al Capone's.

  • -Who knows? I don't.

  • -Geraldo was prepared to knock America's socks off,

  • a task so simple, this was the sponsor.

  • -Brought to you by Nice'n Easy.

  • ♪♪

  • -After two hours of explosions...

  • -We're gonna blow that wall off. [chuckle]

  • -...and searching... -That may be significant.

  • We don't know. -...all under the expert

  • management of Geraldo...

  • [ Air horn blaring ]

  • ...it was time for the big reveal!

  • [ Drumroll, cymbals clash ] -When we began opening

  • this vault nearly two hours ago,

  • we had no real idea what we'd find inside.

  • As it turns out, we haven't found very much.

  • [ Triumphant music climbs ]

  • -But Geraldo was mistaken.

  • He did find something in Al Capone's vault.

  • [ Ringing ]

  • 30 million viewers watched!

  • Making Geraldo's two hours of content-free TV

  • the highest-rated syndicated special, ever.

  • ♪♪

  • -[Chuckle]

  • -Like Thomas Edison,

  • Alexander Graham Bell,

  • and the creator of the Snuggie, [ Chime ]

  • Geraldo hit upon a game-changing invention

  • that would save the news media effort and money:

  • replace actual news with the possibility of news.

  • And, with that, no-news was born.

  • [ Glass shatters, cash register chimes ]

  • ♪♪

  • The first step was testing the waters

  • with more prime-time television specials.

  • -What they saw was not from this world.

  • -"Alien Autopsy: Fact or Fiction?"

  • -What we were looking at was a mermaid.

  • -Tonight, we may find a mummy.

  • -Millions of Americans tuned in to watch a fake alien,

  • a fake mermaid,

  • and a real Maury Povich.

  • [ Suspenseful chord strikes ]

  • It was time to send up a no-news trial balloon

  • over on actual news channels...

  • -One of the strangest things

  • in the history of my television career is goin' down.

  • -...with a story that seemed like real news,

  • that actually wasn't.

  • -I was really, really worried.

  • -Say hi to Wolf.

  • His name's Wolf. -Hi!

  • -Hi, guys. -Say hi?

  • [ Suspenseful chord strikes ] -Yeah, who the hell is Wolf?

  • Find out in my new special, "Wolf Blitzer: Fact or Fiction."

  • [ Sultry jazz plays ]

  • No-news was taking off.

  • Its long, slow,

  • tantric burn

  • allowed news networks to kill airtime,

  • reporting that they were simply waiting for news to happen,

  • a move inspired by playwright Samuel Beckett.

  • ♪♪

  • [ Suspenseful chord strikes ]

  • [ Coins clinking ] But no-news had yet to pass

  • its most daunting task.

  • In our tribal and divisive times,

  • could no-news be the one thing

  • both conservative and liberal networks agree upon?

  • -Donald Trump's tax returns have surfaced.

  • We'll go through it, next. In just a second --

  • A full tax return for someone like Donald Trump

  • would be a lot longer, but this is all we've got.

  • [ slow-motion ] All we've got.

  • -The big reveal that wasn't.

  • We can only imagine where Rachel Maddow got the idea.

  • [ Buzzer ]

  • -I remember watching it.

  • It was kind of a crazy-genius idea.

  • One very important and lasting lesson:

  • hype. works.

  • [ Suspenseful chords striking ]

  • -There are many hardworking journalists

  • reporting in the Fourth Estate today,

  • but the networks know that it's cheaper and easier

  • to provide 24-hour content that just feels like news.

  • And, since people don't wanna pay to support journalism,

  • no-news now has the opportunity to reign supreme forever.

  • We can only hope that Geraldo finally appreciates

  • just what he found in that vault.

  • [ Suspenseful chord strikes ]

  • [ Cheering and applause ]

  • -Tonight, we are live and finally going to uncover

  • what is hidden inside Al Capone's vault!

  • [ Whistling ]

  • [ Suspenseful chord strikes ] [ Cheering and applause ]

  • [ Upbeat chords striking ]

♪♪

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Andy Borowitz:新聞去哪兒了?| 現在一切都有意義了 (Andy Borowitz: Where Did The News Go? | Now It All Makes Sense)

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    林宜悉 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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