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The following video material originates from the movie "Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets" that was
lovingly made by J.K. Rowling and Warner Bros. But it's been turned by new audio into a twisted, dirty and chaotic world...
...full of unnecessary vulgar language, bad jokes about minorities and without structured plot
And now have fun with:
"Harry Potter and the secret Porn Basement"
Oh God, stop it, it's unbearable!
- No! -Shut your beak!
- Now just listen to it! - Shut your beak!
Hey, if I've got a boner, I have to wank.
Yes, but you can you not at least stop this terrible music?
- Hey, that's' s a classic! - Turn off that gay music you wanker!
You all have no taste in music.
I have no idea where to put the cherry, definitely not on this empty space.
Hey, what's up?
Your uncle wants to talk to you about this thing you're always doing upstairs
Did you wank again, or what?
That's really disgusting! You're sick, boy.
Yeah, you know what's also sick? A guy who's three times fatter than me,
Who let's his wife bake a cake, while he rapes his son.
Oh, that's not true at all. Turn around, boy!
Let me straighten your bow tie. Do you like it when I touch you like this?
Hey, I can jerk whenever I want. After all, I'm Harry Potter, I'm famous, respect me!
- Daddy only loves me! - Listen,
You're only gonna be respected in this house, when you stop satisfying yourself.
As long as you have your penis under my table, you do respectable things with it,
like ordinary people, like me.
Ah, now Fatty has touched the cake with his bogey fingers, but otherwise it's good, you can still eat it.
My asshole is so wide, I can stick my head through it.
And they say I was sick.
Let's see if I can break my record of jizzing three times in a row now.
I am the Gilb, I make white clothes gray and dirty.
A stain dwarf!
Do you also have problems with stains, which are difficult to clean?
You know, I got the white giant,
and when I cum with it, then makes the really special stains, if you know what I mean.
Oh, that was really not in the job description.
You know, I only sell detergent
and old, rotten towels, which you can wear as T-Shirts like I do, but they don't sell that well.
Are you interested in buying?
No, but I'd like a blowjob!
You probably think I'm buyable for everything?
Not that I would reject it, I really need the money.
Hey I'm sorry, you happen to be the perfect blowjob size
and I'll pull him out if you have to puke, okay?
Oh, Dobby has taken part in much worse things for money:
Sick sex games with piss and shit,
Animal porn,
- Worked at "McDonald's" ... - Oh God!
And you only want a blowjob?
You know, right now I would really fuck anything! Even an ugly gnome like you.
Thank you!
I will demonstrate my blowjob technique on this wardrobe.
- You really don't have to demonstrate it on the wardrobe. - And now in the ear!
I believe you that you can do it without any proof.
That's just our nephew and he's fucking, uuuh
the cat.
Did I just say that out loud?
Ey now stop it, they'll think I'm fucking the cat or something!
What? You fuck a cat?
That doesn't mean that I ever did that.
Oh, you can't shock Dobby with anything anymore. The family I live with is pretty kinky, you know?
I can not say the name, but it begins with "M" and ends with "alfoy".
That's too complicated for me.
But you should know the boy, he goes to your school.
He is smeared all over with lube, heven his hair is dripping with it.
Do you know the term "crawl in someone's ass"? He literally does that!
And his father
is not his father but his mother!
Allegedly he impregnated himself, with a
Oh, you mean Draco Malfoy and his Sugar Daddy.
Oh no! You
guessed it! And I wanted to
- keep it secret! - That was really not...
- I have to bash my head in with an Ikea lamp! - that hard of a riddle.
Hey, my lamp!
Hey, my beautiful Ikea lamp!
And then he said: "Now I know, we are on Pluto!"
And I said...
Now let go of my lamp! I'm going to put you in the closet, you little fucker!
How many times have I told you, that you are forbidden to masturbate in this house ?!
I didn't fap.
Don't fuck the cat either, that's just as bad.
I didn't fuck the cat.
- At least not today. - Do you know this one? This is the brother of the middle finger,
I'll show you that one next time!
And I don't want to know what you're hiding in the closet!
No cat.
If you saw dildos in the closet, by any chance,
they don't belong to me I borrowed them.
No, I found them!
No! They...
They were already here when I moved in.
And what if Dobby found nudes of Harry Potter?
So what? Everybody knows them already. They hang in the common room.
But Dobby has to blackmail Harry Potter with something, to get money.
How else am I supposed to pay all those taxes from the GEZ?
I have five televisions that are not registered.
Did you just pull these bills
out of your ass?
It's become pretty flexible by now.
Hey, come here!
Hey! Hey, stop running, shorty!
Hey! Hey, come here!
Hey, I don't want a blowjob anymore!
I want to stick something in your ass, too!
- Come here and let me fuck you! - ... And Dudley,
has now become a very big boy.
You can do magic! I can't.
Yes, ever noticed that you never used magic in your first film,
even though you're a wizard?
Hey, I'm still learning magic, I'm attending Hogwarts after all.
At Hogwarts, you will learn how to get rid of your gag reflex, but you won't learn magic, just like me.
Have a look!
I want to be able to do that, too!
- Get out of the way! - Ow!
I have an idea:
I'm going to follow the pie like this so
that it looks like, I'm the one making it levitate
Yeah look! I can do magic, too!
- Oh, now the pie fell on her head, - Crap.
- But otherwise it's good, you can still eat it. - My beautiful suit!
You're never going to see your
abnormal friends again!
never again!
- Never again! - I think you dialed the wrong number.
- Oh sorry. - No problem.
Hey! What the hell are you doing?
Isn't this Privet Drive no. 4, where Harry Potter lives?
No here is Privat Drive no. 4, Privet Drive No. 4 is two blocks ahead!
Oh sorry, that we destroyed your house.
Oh, no problem!
No problem...
There! The house down there. That must be it!
The one that stands out from the others! The one with the roof and
- the window! - I hope it's the right house this time.
Yes, what just happened to us happens just...
three out of four times, right?
- Hi Harry! - Hi Harry!
Ron! Torsten! Torben!
What are you doing here?
Well, we want to destroy Muggle houses.
Yours too. Come on out!
Warm socks, Vaseline, I'm ready.
All right.
Start driving, Torsten!
I am Torben.
What is that?
- Whoosh! -So, What's going on here?
Now he's gonna get it , the little brat!
Get in there!
Come on, move!
Quick, give me your dove!
That's a ... Oh!
I'll get you!
Stay right there!
Let me go!
OK! You can leave!
But the shoes stay here!
- No! Not my shoes! - Drive, Torben!
He broke his neck!
But otherwise he's fine.
We killed your uncle.
- Yes, thank you! - You're welcome!
Oh no, we ran over Clifford!
Have you ever wondered why a fork
- Yes, a fork? - Has so many prongs,
- As it has? - Mommy?
- Yes? - Where do babies come from?
Oh, the boys stick their dick in your vagina.
- What's up with her? - Ginny.
Just because she is the only girl,
- she has a penis phobia. - Aha.
Good morning, you incest children!
- Morning, Dad! - Oh, we are so poor, we only have half of a front door.
Here, darling: Burned baby birds
exactly how you like them.
- Are your parents really siblings? - Yes, my mother is also my aunt,
and my brother is also my cousin, it's really
- complicated. Hello dear sister.
I put extra salt on them.
Does anyone want some?
Who are you?
I'm Harry.
Oh no.
My wife probably slept with one of my sons again
- And had a child without telling me about it. - No I have not!
That only happened once and Ginny was the result from it.
- As if you don't sleep with your sons. - Yes, but if I fuck my sons in the butt,
at least they don't bear children from it.
No guys, honestly, incest is evil,
not all of you can marry Ginny
So Harry, tell me.
I see you're sitting next to Ron, so I assume you're gay,
and you're his boyfriend. Did he like you too, because you smelled like fried fish?
So, frankly ...
What the hell...?
Is this "Stinky" with the mail?
Yea I'll go look.
Come on, give it to me!
Bastard! Is it from the GEZ?
Much worse. There are the tuition fees for Hogwarts.
What? They charge tuition fees?
That's an impudence, my children learn nothing at all in this school.
I can't read, Mum.
- What does that say? - Give it to me!
- Mum, where do we get the money? - Oh, we need to prostitute ourselves.
Namely, in the Fuckingalley.
- Come up here! I'm totally hot for you. - Have you ever fucked twins?
Fuck me! I am Harry Potter!
I am famous!
- I have a vagina! - I can splash water
out of my nose and catch it with my mouth.
fuck, lousy € 50 for one round without a condom, I'll do it
twice again, maximum.
- Marilyn Manson also prostitutes himself. - Hello.
He looks like he has no money.
- Who else can I fuck to get money? - Hi baby, how about us two?
Noo. Nah, I'm just about to call it a day.
- Bye. - Hey! Hey, come here!
You are awefully cute, give me a kiss at least.
Hey Harry!
Heard you're doing it for fifty?
The Fuckingalley is only for people, who live on the social margin, Harry.
Never thought that you would be lingering there.
You're famous, you've got the money.
- I did it for the Weasleys. - Oh, the Weasleys.
Wait a moment.
- What did you do there? - Me? Oh, I was just shopping.
In the Fuckingalley?
Yes. There's a great baker.
He makes delicious donuts, you know them, right?
Yes, the ones with a hole in the middle, I know.
So, textbooks, dildos, I have everything together.
Oh my God!
Jeez! Hi, Harry!
- Hey, Hermione. - Hagrid.
Hello, you stupid cow!
- Hey, shut up. - Have you already been in the Fuckingalley?
Yes, why are you asking?
Oh, you look like you've already been banged five times.
- Oh. - Here, look, I got me a new dildo.
Yes children, I have to go again, yeah?
- To the baker ... buy donuts. - Alright have fun.
Let's go to the library and pretend as if we were nerds.
"Once upon a time there was a small deer named Bambi.
And his mother was hit by a truck
- Come on! - And then found dismembered ... "
Mum, there's Harry.
Harry Baby, come here.
You're full of cum, they have probably fucked you really hard.
Ladies and gentlemen: Mr Gilderoy Fuckshard!
Gilderoy, I love you!
- It was the hottest night I've ever had. - Hello.
Yes, I fucked him, too!
Mum wants sexual intercourse with him.
Shut up!
Thank you very much.
A photo for the BRAVO, please.
Thank you very much.
Oh, my goodness,
Is that Harry Popper?
Harry Popper!
- The star of the incest child porn "Small but already - Hey.
- fucked really hard Part 1 "I never thought I'd - Hey, what ... Hey, what is this?
- get him infront of my camera. - Come here, you celebrity!
Your baby ass is legendary.
- My baby ass? But i'm called Harry Potter. - Hello, I'm Gilderoy Fuckshard, I am
Star of adult films like "what fucks there?" Parts 1 and 2,
or "Help! I'm trapped on the dildo planet!"
- Oh, I love this movie. - Is everyone just here because of porn?
Thank you very much! Thank you very much!
Oh thank you!
- Ew, who's spitting here? - This boy has inspired me.
And because of that I want to
thank him by giving him my new series, namely
"Cock Improvement!"
Part 1-12.
I had no film in my camera.
The famous Harry Potter:
didn't have any time for me during the entire holidays.
I thought we wanted to create a deliriously happy, large family?
Boys can't make babies with boys.
Look, look, Potter, you prefer fucking small, red-haired girls.
Now, now Draco, you should not say the bad f-word.
- Red-haired? - Hi, I'm Lucy.
Lucy Malfoy.
- Aha. - I'm Draco's Sugar Daddy.
And you're
the famous Harry Potter
with the lightning scar.
- And the round glasses. - Why are you even famous for that?
Lord Voldemort tried to kill me.
He killed my parents and threw a stone at me.
But I survived.
So what? I've also tried to kill my neighbors and threw a stone at him.
He didn't become famous.
That's so embarrassing.
Less embarrassing than someone who claims to be blond, although his hair is only bleached.
You revealed our cruel
Family secret.
Then I'll now divulge a secret about you.
Your friends are surely interested in the fact that you're a lesbian!
Oh, and your daughter Hermione is a lesbian, huh?
Yes, she tells everyone!
Careful, Sugar Daddy! She's giving you the death glare.
Oh, what book did you buy?
"Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets".
- What a silly name. - So children
We got all the textbooks now and can go eat ice cream from the money that
- Harry gathered. - Yes!
May I ask you something?
Why are you even buying books for your children?
They can't read anyway.
That's a waste of money, you know?
No wonder that you are so poor.
Never thought about it.
We'll meet again in the social services office.
Hey, he stole my book!
We'll meet again at school.
- Let's full on run against the wall. - Yes.
Two retarded children ran against a wall, on platform 9. Security guards please to Platform 9!
What are you doing, you monkey?
- We want to Platform 9 ¾. - Yeah.
Hermione said we have to full on run against the wall at the train station.
- I believe Hermione doesn't like us anymore. - I like the wall,
it's pleasantly cold and stony.
- No, that's boring. - No.
Oh damn, it's already 11am!
Weren't we supposed to be at school at 8 am?
Yes. Wasn't that
a week ago?
Jeez, the car can fly, but hasn't even got a CD-player.
Turn on the radio. Driving without music is shit.
I Hate Radio.
Is it love?
Is it love that you want from me?
Is it love?
- Is it love? - Stop singing along!
Is it love, that you want from me baby, yeah
Oh Jeez!
Do you have to sing along to songs no one's liked even 10 years ago?
Harry, did you just fart?
What's this?
For God's sake! Turn it off!
Turn it off!
I'm trying!
Following: the Wolfgang Petry Music Marathon.
Oh my God!
Oh my God!
Hell, hell, hell!
Oh no, now I'm singing along as well.
Okay Ron, remember, we're parking next to a large willow.
- Isn't it nice to be back in Hogwarts? - Do you think they'll notice we've missed one week of school?
They don't, They didnt't even notice, that i didn't use magic for a whole year.
I did.
- So, you want to use this this staircase, eh? - Yes?
Well, the stairs belongs to me, so you have to pay toll for the path,
- At least 2 €. - Whiskas!
Money, I can dwell upon, and without money you can't go on.
I just rhymed it myself.
Why do they need to make those damned crossword puzzles so hard?
And here are bike coupons and I've got no scissors for cutting them out!
Four letters, colloquially, male genitalia?
You said "Dick".
Okay, seriously, why did you show up at school a week too late ?
Do you think you can do everything, just because you are friends with Dumbledore?
My family had to prostitute themselves in order to pay the tuition fees,
- That took a long time and was humiliating. - Bacon!
You're amazed huh? I can be quick-witted, too.
In addition, your family is the cheapest, out there on the Fuckmarket.
Your motto is "In and out, and give me your money"!
You have no idea,
how it feels to give up your body completely ...
- What's going on? - Fresh Dumbledore!
And the other old teacher.
- I heard that! - Fresh Dumbledore,
these students are a week late and openly admitted that they have prostituted themselves.
Oh, it doesn´t matter.
These are my fresh homies, they're privileged.
And now keep calm and stay supple, hmm?
With staying supple I meant that you shall remain calm, and not preparation for intercourse.
That is ambiguity, the children like that.
Professor McGonagall?
Yes, Mr Weasley, what do you want?
Are there nude photos of you?
I'm sorry to disappoint you, But, no, there aren't..
What a relief!
Nevertheless, you missed a week of subject material.
- Yes. - Because it would be advisable if you
would catch up. I suggest as a tutor
Professor Snape.
Good Morning.
- Good Morning! - Welcome
welcome here in
Herbology lessons.
Today we learn how to rearange flowers.
Step closer to the table
I'm gonna put
a flower in there, right?
You can watch me doing it, please.
- Sorry? - Yes, a question, yes please?
Yes, so my question would be:
Do you have a fish stick in your mouth and therefore speak so retarded
or are you really mentally handicapped?
My next question would be: Why are we, wizards,
- being taught how to rearange flowers by a retard-grandma? - That's a good question.
Ten points for Gryffindor!
Hey, cool!
The next time I'm going to ask the teacher if she's retarded.
Ye have certainly asked yourself, why plants are green, right?
- No. - Yes, I can't tell you either
beacuse I don't know
If you no longer want to listen to my drivel, you can put on your earmuffs.
The are made of rabbit fur, there are maggots inside them
and they creep you into the brain, and there shall make ye stupid.
- I can not listen to the, ey. - I'm always wearing them. Now, to the plant.
How do you rearange it: First you
pull it out of the pot.
- Yes, I know the sound is annoying - Oh God! No, not again!
- Ouch, my ears!
Running through the monsoon, Beyond the world,
- The end of time, until no ... - Okay, that's enough!
- You have to bury the plant as soon as possible, - Hey man! Hey! Hey,
- So it stops singing. - Why are you whacking me here with dirt?
- Hey, what is this? Hey, what ...? Hey, man ... - Quick, here!
Is Neville dead now?
No, ma'am, hes' a zombie, he'll rise again.
the earthworms will eat him, let's leave him on the floor.
- There! - What is that, Ron?
I'm MacGyver,
I'm building a bomb.
But TicTacs are still missing, eh?
- Crap. - Look, Konica!
My eyes.
I shoot all the people who look uglier than me.
Yes, there's certainly not many.
I once photographed my ass.
That was disgusting.
Neville is still alive.
This guy is getting scary.
I prefer not to tell what part of my body I once photographed.
I am Gilderoy Fuckshard, your new, gorgeous teacher of the best subject you can teach ever:
So you did not expect what? I
am not only famous actor
Erotic movies like
"Mr. Seemann what is caviar?", Or
"Sap harvest in testicular country". No,
I am also a very intelligent, ambitious math teacher.
And my films
knows you certainly all have been,
as you are under 18 and thinking, that watching porn movies is cool.
What, that's not cool?
But be warned, in my math class
it will not go as in any normal math classes,
we are dealing not Angle sums in triangles, or something like that, no.
There are much worse things in math
- than triangles. - Oh God, worse than triangles?
Algebra, Stochastics, Analysis,
I have chosen only that because the word "anal" is in,
but that's all nothing compared to
These are just CGI animations that we can't even see.
They are inserted on the computer later.
It does not matter whether they're computer animated characters, or not,
you could at least act, as if they attacked you.
Throw your books off the table or something like that.
Oh, I´m throwing my books off the table.
- Was it authentic? - Yes very good.
Hey Hermione, come on, we play stunt double,
I'll thump you in the face with the book , ok?
Watch out! Bamm!
Okay folks, I'm outta here, ciao.
Oh yes, I'll throw
away an image of myself, to achieve the effect
Oh man, it really looks as if you were attacked by those beasts,
you should become actors or something like that.
What shall we do now?
Avada Kedavra!
Too bad, she almost hit Neville.
Maybe I'll hit him next time.
- The next time I'll try to kill him. - Folks, why do you wanna see me dead?
Hello ladies and gentlemen!
Do you remember "Woods Sooper Dooper Shop"?
Forget it!
Because now there is:
"Woods Hyyper Dyyper Shop"!
It is cheaper.
- Hey, Harry! Do you know what I'm holding in my hands? - No.
It is the new "super-clean mop" by "Woods Hyyper Dyyper Shop".
Why are you telling me this?
I can tell you much more, when you come with me, to sale grounds.
But what's this? Is that my archrival Flint
of "Flint's Mega (Negro) Store?
You can get lost, these grounds belong to me now.
Here is the certificate of ownership.
Oh man, I hate TV shops.
Sometimes they're selling Massage-Sticks,
- they are good. - It says:
Eggs, milk, bread, nail polish remover,
Toilet paper, spaghetti ...
This is not a certificate, that's a shopping list.
Hell, he already knows the shopping list trick.
And there's another novelty.
Holy shit, those sure are some long, fat junks.
They're exclusive to "Flint's Mega Nigger Store"
One of these would be just the right thing for you
wouldn't it, Granger?
I don't care about length or width, Malfoy,
what counts to me is the vibrational function.
You on the other hand seem to have the desparate need of something big being shoved up your arse.
Huh, nobody asked for your opinion,
you stupid bitch!
Did you just call her "stupid"?
Just wait! Have a taste of my my wood-, sticky-tape- and tictacs bomb!
Ow ...
- I feel so queasy. - I know, it smells like shit in here.
Here, take that bucket.
But I think it's really nice,
- That you come to visit me again. - It stinks so much ...
Oh, and sorry about my farting, alright?
Just cracked open that window behind me.
So what brings you to me?
He said to Hermione ...
I cannot remember exactly what it was.
He´s said that I'm stupid.
You're not serious!
What does that mean?
Well, how shall I put it for you?
Stupid is someone who is of no or low intelligence. Someone like you, Harry, for instance.
Oh I see.
I don't memorize 3 Wikipedia pages every day for nothing.
Hey Cheer up, you're smarter than all three of us together, ey?
Come on over.
Just don't think anymore
that you´re stupid, because if you try thinking about,
to not think about being stupid even though you're not stupid,
then what have you been thinking about?
Harry, Harry, Harry.
Oh damn, now I've written "Harry" on that sheet.
Have you already seen "Cock Improvement"? - No.
Well, that all surely is bore you, you're already an old hand in the erotic film business.
- "Fuckshard" ... - Please tell me,
what are you talking about all the time?
"Harry Popper: Small but Already Shagged: Part 1".
- Huh? - Don't tell me you cant remember about it.
Okay, you were only three, but
It's a classic.
Oh, I'll never forget your baby arse.
Maybe this whole thing has got to do with that confusing dream I have every night.
Yes, this is the meter box which we always have problems with.
If you could have a look at it.
Well yeah, but
Why's all this hay lying about?
And why are you wearing a mask?
Well blow me...
Oh, Harry!
"Below me"
I said.
Oh yes?
I daresay I heard you saying "Well blow me".
I haven't said that.
- Oh, come on, there's nothing to it. - No, I haven't said that.
Yes, you have!
- And I'd love to blow you. - I haven't said that!
Yes, you have, listen: I've got it on tape.
"Well blow me."
See, you have said it, so I'll do that now.
I stepped in shit.
I just hope no one noticed.
Hi Harry!
- Did you step in shit? - Meeeeow!
Did you hear that?
That sounded
like a dying giraffe!
I was going to say:
Like a cat.
And she's in danger! Come on, we have to save her!
- Yes! - Go, Go, Pussy Rangers!
Oh my God!
Who'd do such an abominable thing?
Eek, who ... Who's that?
What's going on here?
- Ew, there's a dead cat hanging from the wall. - It's really peculiar...
- That's disgusting. - Ugh, how disgusting.
... that half the school is passing through right at this moment.
Let me through! Let me through!
What's going on, huh?
What are you do----
My little pussy.
You hung up my pussy after piercing its tail?
No. No, I was ...
I ... I was just...
- It ... - Sure, pal. I'm gonna do
- the same thing to you now! - No, I...
What's up? What's up?
Wow, dope Graffiti!
If everyone who's not into Hip Hop can now kindly piss off.
- Stupid Hip Hop ... - Everyone except
you four.
- But we are three.
- Oh, then I've got dirt on my glasses. - All right, a dead cat. I've figured the problem.
Say, who are you, anyway, did I hire you?
I'd say this is the work of a true satanist.
And real satanists always have long black hair.
- I have no idea who he's trying to point at. - Neither do I.
Surely the one over there.
What? Why me?
Yeah, he listened to Metal one time.
Yes but
listening to Metal doesn't necessarily make you a satanist.
- or just as little the other way round - Yes it does!
Well, to be honest...
I used to be a bass player in a Gothic Metal band,
We called ourselves "The Black Undead Blood-Soaked
Washing rags".
Death! Death! Death! Death! Death! Death! Death! Death!... Death!... Death! Death!Death!Death!Death!Death!Death!De
I hardly believe that Potter has got the spunk to perform genuine satanist rituals, but still...
he hasn't turned up to his tuition lesson with me today.
Oh, he did it with me.
And I
blew him off.
That guy's been here for a week and he gets what I've been working to achieve for a year.
Well we observed earlier how Harry stepped into shit.
- Do you have to tell everyone? - Nice.
Go on.
So after I had stepped into shit
We heard a screaming cat and came here immediately but it was too late by that time.
Oh, don't worry, Harry!
But what will become of pussy?
I just buy another cat which looks exactly like the old one and trick him into taking it.
That guy's falling for it time and time again.
But I want my OLD pussy back!
Your old pussy has been dead for 30 years.
- I ran it over. - What?
Yes sorry.
If it cheers you up, these two bitches over here are going to
be dancing in my next music video with their fat naked wobbly booties.
Not good? Well, I've tried everything.
By the way, I'll be releasing a new album very soon, it's called "grandmother fucker".
I'm dancing in the video!
You're gonna buy that, right?
Iam fucking your grandma
into a coma,
Iam fucking your grandma...
- Harry, what's your secret? - My secret for shiny, luscious hair?
- Head & Shoulders ... - No, your secret for men!
Firstly that affair with Severus Snape,
now that thing with Gilderoy Fuckshard.
Why do all the men sleep with you?
Not all the men want to sleep with me.
- That'd mean Ron would want me. - But I do want you!
Ron doesn't count.
- Why? - He wanted to shag a meatball during lunch
because it smelled randy.
Yeah, of meat!
I'm merely a talking painting, but...
you need help, kid.
Yes, dear little children, shut your gobs, I want to announce something.
Due to the recent cruel events
I have decided to make my classes more fun.
You should be merry and motivated in school.
Therefore I suggest that we start with some funny.
Who of you would like to tell a joke?
Yes, Miss Granger?
So, a horse walks into a bar. And the bartender asks the horse:
"Why the long face?"
[End of edited translation]
Yeah, well that was a really...
hilarious cracker, we should start every lesson like that.
Do you want me to tell another one?
Oh, don't exaggerate.
But this one's really funny.
What does the leper say to the hooker?
"Keep the tip."
That one's as old as me, girl.
I suggest that Draco tell a joke next time.
Dam Dam dadam!
Hermione if we were the last \hpeople on earth would
and the survival of mankind \hwould depend on us,
- would you sleep with me? - No?
I'd hate to live on a planet, \hto which all people descend from you.
And if I and Ron were the only men and you had to choose,
- Who would you prefer to sleep with? - Probably with none of you.
because I'm a lesbian. And Lesbians \hdon't sleep with men, you know.
So if we were the last people on earth,
and I would be a woman, then you would sleep with me?
Yes, possibly.
And if I were a woman, but we weren't the last humans on earth,
- Then as well? - Maybe, but you would have to chop off
your dicks before anything can go on between us. - Isn't there another way apart
from chopping your dick off? I mean,
we can pinch it back and
put two oranges into a bra, put it on and then... - I've always wanted to put on a bra!
Guys, believe me, that would not be the same.
But ... There would be a way!
- Yes? - Oh really?
Sometimes I feel as if I'm the only girl with lines at this school,
I'm tired of sleeping with extras.
So as women you'd come in handy for me, I just say:
- transgender operation. - Daam da-dam Dam!
- Stop it, Ron! - Sexual intercourse, sexually transmitted diseases ...
transgender operations.
Look, "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" \hthis is my favorite book!
Guys! I've found it. Here, have a look here.
We need a so-called "Polyjuice Potion"
the only consists of pure estrogen, \hwhich you need to drink and then you will become women.
What's that? Real Women?
With breasts and vagina and all?
- Exactly. - How cool is that?
- I'm gonna fondle myself all day long. - Yes...
As if you wouldn't be fondling yourself as a man all day long.
But I'm just reading that
until the drink is ready, it takes
- one month. - What?
One month?
- Oh man! - I ... I can not wait that long!
I'm loaded like a catapult if you know what I mean.
And that old stuff needs to get out, I don't want to keep it even another day.
Yes, I understand you.
Not! Because I am a girl, \hand we're not loaded.
As the following Quidditch scenes \hare a little lengthy,
we shall play this all at double speed,
to achieve a humorous effect.
That's what you get when you play everything at double speed.
- Hopefully he's broken his neck this time - Harry Potter has caught the Snitch! Gryffindor wins!
Just like last year.
- Harry! - Again! Man, this game never gets boring!
Harry, are you okay?
No, I think my arm is broken.
Do not worry, dear. I'm here now,
Do you need mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?
- No, I'm breathing. - Oh, you can never be sure enough,
show me your little arm.
I'm pulling back your jumper very gently.
Remind you of something? Like yesterday, \hwhen I gave you a blow job
and slowly pulled back your foreskin?
- Yes... - Wait, I'll help you.
Was that Latin?
Yes, of course, every magician knows Latin.
Okay, now that was not planned that way, but you can ...
You can...
You can form fun stuff from your arm now.
Look, a duck!
Funny, right?
My arm...
Come on, do not be sad, boy.
Give me your arm here!
- So ... - Au, Ouch!
Here, a poodle!
Harry enjoyed the poodle for another six days. On the 7th day he decided to pop into the hospital wing with his boneless arm.
I've got abdominal pain and nausea, \hI think I'm on my period.
Forget it, Malfoy!
Only girls have that.
- Equal rights! - No!
That, only girls have, too!
Well, I regret to say that I don't have a potion that can regrow bones, but
this should do the trick as well.
Have you noticed there's a skull on that bottle?
I got the first season of "ER" on DVD.
I know what I am doing!
This stuff will make flaccid limps grow stiff again:
- Liquid Viagra. - Oh, cool.
This tastes like piss!
I didn't think anyone would notice the difference.
Well ...
Hey! Is there a doctor anywhere?
Oh, Patient
- 773 - No!
It is there!
- It is really there! - What ... What's going on?
Are you ready for your electric shock therapy?
No! No!
What is this place?
- It's me, the Mr Filthy. - Shit, you scared me!
Are you still interested in a blowjob?
Or at a Birthday CD for your friend
No thanks.
- Okay, but ... - Also, I can jerk off again now,
- I don't need your help. - Yes, but right now you have a broken,
- right arm, hence no jerk. - Mate, forget it!
I've even got chances of having sex with a real girl.
Well, I can't keep up with a real girl, but ...
Damn, I need the money! \hI'd really do anything, you know?
Come on, four euros!
Four euros for a blowjob!
- Four euros? - Yes.
Yo mama does blowjobs for 4 euros!
Yes I know.
Okay, my final offer:
- One euro. - One euro?
A Euro for a hand job. Look what these beautiful Hands could do with your penis.
You know what? I'll give you one euro, \hif you now leave me alone,
jump from my bed and land on your ass.
Ow! Ow ...
- You really do that. - Owowow ...
I think that was my coccyx.
I want my euro now!
Well, no, I haven't got anything on me, but ...
Why do you always come to me ,
- when you want money? - Well, because you're Harry Potter!
- Yes and? - You're totally famous and totally rich!
- Am not? - Are too! That was in the first film,
just got cut out.
You were with Hagrid in \hDiagon Alley or something in this weird
Leprechaun savings bank.
Try to remember!
Leprechaun Terminal 2, please puncture more notes. Leprechaun Terminal. 2
- Where are we? - Stamp, stamp, stamp!
You shitty savings book, I'll stamp you to death!
Well how are you going to pay the wand, that you absolutely wanted?
- With money. - Yes, and where do you usually get money from?
- Savings bank? - Elementary, Dr Watson.
- Hello! - Yes...?
We would like to rob this savings bank.
Well, I hope you've got more than this little boy with you
because I'm not really afraid of this git.
Oh, right, shit, Sorry, wait a second.
Where have I put it?
Ah, here!
- The key to my bike lock. - Ah yes.
It's outside, that's my escape bicycle.
And here is this special note which I'm passing you very inconspicuously.
Yes, what do I do with it?
Well on there it says you should now inconspicuously put money in a bag with a dollar sign on it.
You're being serious, aren't you?
Dead serious.
I mean: Wow, so much money!