If we ring them the next day, if we're open about how attractive we find them, if we suggest meeting them again very soon, we are putting ourselves at a high risk of disgusting the very person we would so like to build a relationship with.

如果約會隔天就打給對方、坦言我們深受吸引、提議盡快再次約會，我們都可能面臨令傾慕對象感到厭煩的高度風險。

It is, in order to counter this risk, that early on in our dating lives, we are taught by well-meaning friends to adopt a facade of cool and indifference.

為了避免這種風險, 出於善意的朋友教導我們：交往初期要裝出一副冷淡、不在乎的樣子。

We become experts at deliberately not phoning or sending messages, at treating our dates in a carefully offhand manner, and in subtly pretending we don't much care if we never cross their paths again.

我們成為刻意不打電話、不傳訊息的專家，看似隨意卻謹慎地對待約會對象，巧妙地假裝即使失去對方也沒關係。

We are told that the only way to get them to care about us is to pretend not to care for them, and in the process, we waste a lot of time.

我們被告知，讓他們在意我們的方式就是假裝自己不在意，但在這過程中，我們浪費了很多時間。

We may lose them altogether, and we have to suffer the indignity of denying that we feel a desire that should never have been associated with shame in the first place.

我們可能會因此失去他們，而且還要忍受否認自己心意的侮辱感，雖然這本來就不是可恥的事。

But we can find a way out of the conundrum by drilling deeper into the philosophy that underpins the well-flagged danger of being overly eager.

但是我們可以透過深入探討「過度渴望的風險」背後的哲理，找到解決這個難題的方法。

Why is detachment so often recommended?

為什麼大家總是建議要保持距離？

Why are we not meant to call too soon?

為什麼我們不應該太快打給對方？

High levels of enthusiasm are generally not recommended for one central reason: because they have been equated with what is a true psychological problem— manic dependence.

高度熱情不被推崇的核心原因是，它被與真實的心理疾病「過度依賴症」劃上等號。

In other words, calling too soon has become a symbol of weakness, desperation, and the inability to deal adequately with life's challenges without the constant support of a lover, whose real identity the manically keen party doesn't much care about.

換句話說，太快打電話象徵軟弱、飢渴, 以及沒有愛人的持續支持, 就無法充分應對生活中的挑戰，但愛人的真實身分, 狂熱方其實不太在意。

Because their underlying priority is to ensure that they're never alone without someone rather than with any one being in particular.

因為他們的重點是確保自己不是孤身一人，而不是與特定的人在一起。

But we should note that what is ultimately the problem is manic dependence, not high enthusiasm.

但我們得知道，追根究底，問題是過度依賴症, 而不是過度的熱情。

The difficulty is that our cultural narratives have unfairly glued these two elements together with an unnecessarily strong and unbudging kind of adhesive.

困難之處在於，我們的文化敘事無謂地用強而頑固的膠粘劑, 不公平地綑綁這兩個要素。

Yet, there should logically be an option to disentangle the two strands, that is to be able to reveal high enthusiasm and, at the same time, not thereby to imply manic dependence.

然而，就邏輯上而言, 應該有解開這兩條線的方法，使其既能展現熱情, 又不顯得過度依賴。

There should be an option to appear at once very keen and very sane.

表現熱忱的同時不失理智。

The ability to do so depends on a little-known emotional art, to which we seldom have recourse or introduction.

這種能力取決於鮮為人知的情感藝術，但我們幾乎不仰賴或論及此概念。

We call it strong vulnerability.

我們稱之為脆弱的力量。

The strongly vulnerable person is a diplomat of the emotions, who manages carefully to unite on the one hand, self-confidence and independence, and on the other, a capacity for closeness, self revelation, and honesty.

擁有脆弱的力量的人是情感的外交官，他小心翼翼地管理並整合兩個面向，一面是自信與獨立，另一面則是親密、自我表露和坦誠的能力。

It is a balancing act. The strongly vulnerable know how to confess with authority to a sense of feeling small.

這是一種平衡的行為。擁有脆弱的力量的人知道如何向權威承認自己的渺小。

They can sound in control even while revealing that they have an impression of being lost.

他們坦承自己感到迷失的同時，卻聽起來像一切盡在掌握之中。

They can talk as adults about their childlike dimensions.

他們可以像成年人一般談論自己天真爛漫的一面。

They can be unfrightening at the same time as admitting to their own fears.

他們可以大膽地承認自己的恐懼。

And they can tell us of their immense desire for us while simultaneously leaving us under the impression that they could fully survive a frank rejection.

他們可以坦率地表達他們對我們的強烈愛意，同時讓我們知道他們能完全有能力承受被拒絕。

They would love to build a life with us, they imply, but they could very quickly and adroitly find something else to do if that didn't sound much like fun from our side.

他們暗示自己期待與我們建立關係，但如果我們對此不感興趣，他們也能快速、巧妙地轉移重心。

In the way that the strongly vulnerable speak of their desire for us, we sense a beguiling mixture of candor and independence.

擁有脆弱的力量的人對我們表達愛意的方式，讓我們感受到兼具坦率和獨立的迷人特質。

They don't need to play it cool because they carry off high enthusiasm in a way which sidesteps the dangers that playing cool has traditionally and nefariously been associated with.

他們不用玩欲擒故縱的把戲，因為他們表現熱忱的方式, 讓他們避開了裝酷帶來的典型且邪惡的風險。

What is off-putting is never in fact that someone likes us.

事實上，有人喜歡其實並不討人厭。

What is frightening is that they seem in danger of having no options other than us, of not being able to survive without us.

真正令人恐懼的是他們表現得好像我們是唯一的選擇、沒有我們就活不下去。

Manic dependence, not enthusiasm, is only ever the problem.

從頭到尾, 只有過度依賴症是問題，而不是熱情。

With this distinction in mind, we should learn to tell those we like that we're really extremely keen to see them again, perhaps as early as tomorrow night, and find them exceptionally marvelous.

一旦分清楚這兩者的差異，我們就該學會告訴心儀的人, 我們很期待再次見面，甚至隔天晚上再約也行，以及我們覺得他們有多棒。

While simultaneously, leaving them in no doubt that we could — if the answer were no — without trouble, and at high speed, find some equally enchanting people to play with and be bewitched by.

同時，也要清楚地讓他們知道，即使被他們拒絕，我們也能快速、輕易地找到同樣具有魅力的人與我們相伴、為其著迷。

If you enjoyed our film, please subscribe to our channel and click the bell icon to turn on notifications.

如果你喜歡我們的影片，請訂閱我們的頻道並點開小鈴鐺，打開通知功能。

To learn more about love, try our book on how to find love, which explains why we have the types we do, and how our early experiences shape how and whom we love.

想了解更多關於愛情的內容，歡迎參考我們的書「如何找到愛情 (how to find love) 」，它解釋了為甚麼我們喜歡某類型的人，以及童年經驗如何影響我們現在的戀愛關係。