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Doing a great job. Uh, Sean, you know what?
I'm not gonna stand up here and run a bunch
of hacky gay jokes into the ground, all right?
I'm not "Will & Grace."
Larry Bird is here. I mean Nikki Glaser is here.
- That hurts, Blake. That hurts.
[cheers and applause]
- Uh, you know, the only difference
between Larry Bird and Nikki Glaser
is Larry could actually pass as 33.
[audience groaning]
- Devastating!
- I'm sorry. You were so nice earlier.
I just--yeah.
Nikki, look at you.
You damaged little climber.
You know, Nikki was the only girl
kicked off Jeffery Epstein's island for networking.
Adam Carolla is here.
[cheers and applause]
You know, Adam looks like the kind of guy
who calls black athletes "thoroughbreds."
[audience groaning]
- Caroline Rhea from "Sabrina" is here, give it up.
Give it up.
Caroline, if you're here, that means Salem the cat
must have turned this down, huh?
Sorry, Mr. De Niro, we know how much
you love that black pussy.
[audience clamoring]
Nice to meet you, by the way.
Big fan.
Chris Redd looks like a police sketch
of someone doing blackface.
You look like Nephew Jemima.
- Oh, shit!
Don't talk about my auntie like that.
- Dude, dude, dude.
- Why do you always look like you just got your braces off?
Speaking of Chris Redd, Caitlyn Jenner is here.
Uh, uh--I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Like Caitlyn, my transitions are really awkward.
Caitlyn completed her gender reassignment in 2017,
finally confirming that no one in that family
wants a white dick.
[audience clamoring]
- Oh.
- Thought she was coming after me there for a second.
Caitlyn's pussy is so young...
- How young is it?
- Alec just called it a rude, thoughtless little pig.
Look, look, for real, I know we're all here
making fun of Caitlyn, but honestly,
I want to take this moment to publicly thank you.
As an athlete, I want to thank you for your bravery.
As a human, I want to thank you for the doors you've opened.
And on behalf of the entire NBA
and half of the rappers on the "Billboard" charts,
I want to thank you for giving your daughters
their daddy issues.
[cheers and applause]
And now the man of the hour, Mr. Alec Baldwin.
Give it up.
Alec, I can tell you're from New York
because just like the Knicks, you've somehow
gotten worse every year since the 90s.
You know, Alec kind of looks like a team owner
that saves money by massaging the players himself.
And I played for Donald Sterling, so...
You might think Alec's had an easy life,
but he's had hardships.
He once had someone take his parking spot.
Another time, a flight attendant
asked him to turn his phone off before takeoff.
And according to Alec's reactions,
those are the two worst things to ever happen to him.
[cheers and applause]
In the NBA, we have a term for people like you.
It's a bad teammate.
Like, you were in "Glengarry Glen Ross"
with Kevin Spacey and you couldn't even tell him
that ABC doesn't mean "always blow children"?
[audience clamoring]
I would have told him.
Uh, but you know what, I'm happy I'm here tonight
because tonight I learned you're a family man,
you give to charity, and you're a big enough man
to sit up here and let us roast you.
You truly are a kind, thoughtful little pig.
[cheers and applause]
[upbeat music]


Blake Griffin Burns Adam Carolla & Celebrates Caitlyn Jenner (Full Set) - Roast of Alec Baldwin

69 分類 收藏
林宜悉 發佈於 2019 年 10 月 22 日
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