- Hi

- Oh Hi Marion

- Hi (laughter)

So good to see you.

- Yeah, good to see you too.

- So, read the email that you sent please.

- Yes. It says, Hi Katie, I would love to know a little bit

more about manipulation. How to identify it

and what it does to me and the other person.

Lately it seems so important to me, by doing the work

I discovered that manipulation exist a lot in my life

and it started already when I was a child.

An inquiry gives lots of insights in the turnarounds

when I find where I did this,

but still I have a hard time

knowing I do the manipulation or when I'm being manipulated

and how do I manipulate me.

- Yeah - How can I recognize it, with love?

(laughter)

- So, with love, that's the key isn't it?

- Yeah - It's just noticing any time...

you're defensive.

Anytime you're defensive. - Yes

- You're manipulating.

- Okay

- It's the attempt to hold an identification,

one that you want us to see you as.

- Yes - What do you want us to believe you to be?

Anytime you feel anger, let's say anger,

irritation, that identity is being threatened.

And here's a good one.

Anytime you lie,

just the tiniest little thing.

For example, someone says,

"Would you like to go to the movies with me tonight?"

And your mind says Oh my gosh, I promised someone else.

I just can't, oh but they would understand

and I don't want to go to the movies, but she's so sensitive

if I tell her no, she'll be hurt and this happens so quickly

in the head. We don't even know it's going on.

And so, we say , Oh I'd love to go to the movies with you.

What time are we going?

Sounds wonderful. Okay, so now I'm protecting an identity.

I want her to see me as a kind person so I'm a kind person.

Okay, the truth is I'm not being kind to myself.

I don't want to go to the movies. I don't even,

I don't want to go out at all. I don't even want to go

with the other person I said yes to.

(Marion mumbles yes)

- Okay, so the tiniest lie is how you manipulate

that, that

I you want to be seen as.

So...

If you ask me go to the movies

and I don't want to go, I say thank you and no.

Now this is respectful because I am not projecting you as

sensitive human being that I don't like to be with.

Maybe it's like, oh she is so sensitive,

I have to be so careful and if I say no

and we go to the movies and it's like, you made me.

You forced me. And maybe it's not what I'm thinking

but I feel it. Oh, she's so sensitive.

Its that kind of flavor.

- Yeah

- S0 if I say thank you and no.

Its respectful because I am leaving you

to whatever you're thinking and believing.

And I'm leaving me...

as who I am.

(Marion mumbles in agreement)

I am someone that doesn't want to go to the movies

and I am someone grateful for the invitation

and the opportunity to be honest.

That's what every question is for.

- Yes

- So, I'm honest and you can see me as a terrible person

or a wonderful person.

You're going to see me the way I see you. I mean,

you're going to see me the way you see me.

You're goin to believe me to be who you believe me to be

and I can never be more than that.

Either way.

This identity is at the mercy of your mind

- Yeah, I understand that, yeah.

- So it's really simple to, you know, I loved your question

it's a...

It was fun responding. You know, defensiveness,

anytime we are coming out of anger, um...

That's manipulation.

- Yeah, I also can see that I am manipulated to get love

and attention.

- Yes. So...

I manipulate, I lie to you so that you'll

love me and care about me, see me as kind,

but it's not going to feel right

- No

- Because that person you're caring about isn't me.

- Right

- You're going to the movies with someone you think is kind

and actually you're not, you're going with someone

that doesn't want to go with you.

- So in that situation I manipulate myself, right?

- Exactly

- Yes

- You're walking around as this false person

being very careful to hold that identity,

so you're not even going to the movies.

- No

- Even when your body's going.

You know, there's someone else and it's so subtle

later we can even be happy we went to the movies,

but it doesn't stop that...

ongoing false creation of...

who am I not.

- Yeah

- Within us

- Yes, thank you. I like it.

- Yeah, it's so much fun when someone says it.

How do you feel? You know, just to check yourself out

and see how do you feel?

Rather than say, Oh I feel wonderful.

And it's not right or wrong, it's just a lot of fun

to notice what comes out of your mouth.

What hits your head.

What's true and what is opposition to that truth.

Like what is true for you and what is an opposition to that.

And at first it can be...

You know, I...

I want to say yes to you because I'm afraid that you will

see me as unkind and the truth is,

I don't want to go to the movies.

- Mm-hmm

- You know and until eventually, it's just,

thank you for asking and no and it just really says it all.

I'm true to myself and then you're left respectfully with

what you're thinking and believing and I'm left the same.

- Yeah

- And what I'm thinking and believing is all I can know,

so that I have grown to respect out of just simply doing

those judge-an-abor worksheets and those four questions

and turning it around and sitting

and all of that is meditation.

- Yeah and it's fun to discover where I manipulate.

- Yes, is it, yes, you know

when the inquiring mind is,

if there's nothing more fun than that, all the guilt is gone

because the mind is so open in its transformation.

- Yes

- Thank you for your email

and thank you for our time together.

- Thank you. (laughter) Bye-bye.

- Happy Holidays