Hello?

你好？

(Incoherent taking on other side of phone)

（電話另一頭的嘰哩呱啦聲）

Uhh... Okay.

呃......好的

It's for you, James.

這是找你的，詹姆斯。

Hey, James. This is James from the future.

嘿詹姆斯，這是來自未來的詹姆斯。

Just wanted you to give you a call and let you know that,

只是想讓你打個電話讓你知道，

Puberty can be tough, but, you can get through it.

青春期可能很難，但是，你可以撐過去的。

So I wanted to let you know that

所以我只是想讓你知道

everything's gonna be okay and...

一切都會好起來的，還有......

I love you.

我愛你。

*POP*

* POP *

You got the wrong number.

你打錯電話了。╭∩╮◕ㅂ◕ ╭∩╮

(hangs up)

（掛了）

I grew up in a generation where smartphones where a new thing.

我成長於智慧型手機剛出現的世代。

And everyone in my class had one

我班上的每個人都有一支

except for me.

除了我。 QQ

My parents never got me one because they didn't want me to access the Internet

我的父母從來沒有幫我買過手機，因為他們不希望我

on a device that could fit in my pocket

用一個可以放在口袋裡的設備接觸網路

because they were super strict and didn't want me looking at...

因為他們超級嚴格，不想讓我看......

internet stuff...

網路的東西......

which backfired horribly.

結果適得其反...... ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

so, they never gave me a smartphone.

所以，他們從沒給我智慧型手機。

In fact, I didn't even get my first cellphone

事實上，我甚至沒有拿到我的第一支手機

until I was 16 years old.

直到我16歲。

Now as an adult who uses his cellphone everyday,

現在作為每天使用手機的成年人，

I don't know how I survived for 16 years

我不知道我沒有手機是怎麼活過16年的。

without one.

我想當我年輕的時候

I think when I was younger

如果我曾經遇到過需要打電話給父母的情況

If I was ever in a situation where I needed to call my parents

我會問最近的人可不可以借電話 （我可以跟你借電話嗎）

I would just ask the nearest person if I could borrow their phone

現在，如果螢幕前有任何父母沒有給他們的孩子手機，

Now if there's are any parents watching this who haven't given their children a cellphone yet,

從一個沒養小孩的網友口中聽好了。

Take it from a guy on the internet with no children.

你應該給他們一支。

You should get them one.

不一定要是智慧型的...

It doesn't have to be a smart one.

你可以給他們你的標準毒販手機（指備用手機）

You can just give them your standard drug dealer phone.

但是你應該至少給他們一支手機，以防萬一發生緊急情況

But you should at least give them a cellphone in case there's an emergency

他們需要打電話給你或警察

and they need to call you or the police.

我能想到給孩子一支電話的唯一缺點

The only downside I can think of giving your child a phone is:

就是他們總會花太多時間在上面

They'll end up spending TOO much time on it

所以..你應該時不時限制他們使用手機吧我不知道。

So.. you should just turn off their service from time to time I don't know.

當我16歲並結束高中二年級的時候

When I turned 16 and finished up my sophomore year of high school

我買了第一部手機：

I got my very first cellphone:

LG Cosmos 2。

An LG Cosmos 2.

我不是在90年代長大...... 這...其他人都有iphone，

I didn't grow up in the 90s... Tha- everyone else had iphones

但我是唯一一個帶有鍵盤的手機的人。

But I was the only one with a fli- with a phone that had a keyboard on it.

有了那支手機，我遇到了幾件事

and with that cellphone, I've had a couple of incidentses

有時會有陌生人打電話給我

Where sometimes a random person would call me

以為我是別人......

Thinking I was someone else...

然後不會承認他們搞錯了

And then wouldn't admit they're wrong.

而這就是你如何進入這個月的影片主題。

And that's how you segway into the theme of this month's video.

第一個故事發生在我在Sooubway工作的時候。

This first story happened when I was working at Sooubway. (Not Subway)

沒錯又一個Sooubway的故事

THATS RIGHT ANOTHER SOOUBWAY STORY

#SOOUBWAY 4 這故事不夠精彩而沒有放在其他3集裡

#SOOUBWAY 4. It wasn't good enough to be in the other 3.

所以距離打烊還有5分鐘，我們在Sooubway接到一通電話

So it was 5 minutes until closing and we get a phone call on the Sooubway phone.

我拿起來說，

I pick it up and say,

「呃~~~~~感謝你打給Sooubway 我可以怎麼幫助你呢？」

"UGHHHHH..Thank for calling Sooubway. How may I help you?"

我應該說，「我是詹姆斯，我可以怎麼幫助你呢？」

I was supposed to say,

但我不打算告訴這個隨意的陌生人我的名字！

"This is James . How may I help you?"

白痴

But I wasn't about to tell this random stranger my name...

無論如何，電話裡的人說，

Idiot.

「嘿，你們幾點關門？」

Anyway, the other person on the line said,

「五分鐘後。」

"Hey what time do you guys close?"

「如果我遲到的話，沒關係嗎？我只需要汽油。」

time do you guys close in five minutes is it alright if I show up late I just

而我作為一個好員工，

James: "In five minutes."

我完全願意透過電話幫這個人做三明治

Idiot: "Is it alright if I show up late? I just need gas."

讓他在我們打烊後取貨

And being the good employee that I was,

然後我不會幫他結帳，並把錢塞到自己口袋。

I was totally willing to make this guy's sandwich over the phone,

我是開玩笑，我沒這樣做，這樣是犯罪，請不要告我。

let him pick it up after we closed,

所以我說，「是的，我能幫忙，你想要什麼樣的三明治？」

and then I wouldn't ring him up and just pocket the money.

他說，「我只需要汽油。」

I'm just kidding I wouldn't do that.

「哦，先生，請不要擔心，這個三明治會讓你放出充足的氣體。

That's a crime. Please don't sue me.

我 - 我的意思是，你想要薯片還是什麼？」

So I said, "Yeah I can do that. What kind of sandwich do you want?"

「不！」他說，「我只需要汽油！」

And he said, "I just need gas."

我有點困惑。

"Oh don't worry, sir.

「好的，是的，所以你會去加油，

This sandwich will give you plenty of gas. I... I mean, do you want chips or something?"

那你會過來拿三明治嗎？」

"No." he said. "I just need gas."

他說，「我不想吃三明治。」

I was a little confused.

然後這句話點醒了我。

"Okay, yes. So, you'll get gas, then are you gonna stop by and pick up a sandwich?"

即使我對這個人說的第一件話是：

And he said, "I don't want a sandwich."

「感謝你打給Sooubway」

And then it hit me.

我想他以為他正在和加油站講話。

Even though the first thing I ever said to this guy was:

所以我說，「先生，我們這裡是Sooubway？」

"Thank you for calling Sooubway,"

「喔~~~~~~~~~」

I think he thought he was talking to a gas station.

*掛斷*

So I said, "Sir, this is a Sooubway.

而我還沒來的及跟他說自助加油站不會...

"OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH."

打烊？

(Hangs up)

下一個故事發生在我在家時，我接到了一個我不認識的電話。

And I never got the chance to tell him that gas pumps don't close.

我現在的朋友告訴我，他們不接他們不認識的任何號碼

This next story happened when I was at home

但是我的焦慮不會讓我這樣做。

and I got a call from a number I didn't recognize

如果是銀行打來說你的戶頭被駭了怎麼辦？

Now, I've had friends tell me that

如果是你的奶奶怎麼辦？因為你為什麼會把她的號碼紀錄在手機裡？

they don't answer the phone to any number they don't recognize.

或者如果是你的奈及利亞叔叔想要給你他的金條收藏怎麼辦？

But my anxiety won't let me do that.

而且需要你的資料才能匯給你？

What if it's your bank calling saying your account got hacked?

你永遠不會知道！所以我總是會接電話。

What if it's your grandma 'cause why would you have her saved in your phone?

所以我回答了，正是這個女人要找「勞倫斯」。

Or what if it's your Nigerian uncle who wants to give you his collection of gold

我說， 「哦，我不是 - 你打錯號碼了。」

bars and needs your information for a wire transfer?

她繼續說， 「不是416-295嗎？」

You just never know, so I always pick up the phone.

這顯然不是真的號碼，所以不要試著打電話。

So, I answered it and it was this woman asking for a Lawrence.

我說，「不，這裡是416-293」，因為這是我的電話號碼。

and I said, "Oh I'm not- that- that's-

同樣，這實際上不是真的電話號碼， 所以請不要打電話過來。

You have the wrong number."

她繼續說， 「3？我不認為我按的是3啊」

and she goes "isn't this 416 295

而且我不知道該對這個女人說些什麼，

That's obviously not a real number, so don't try calling it.

因為我的號碼是416-293

And I said, "No, this is four one six two nine three." 'Cause, that's my phone number.

*低語* 這真的不是真的。

Again, that's not actually a valid phone number. So, please don't call it.

但她不認為她按了3，

And she goes,

所以我不知道她現在是怎麼跟我說話的

"Three? I don't think I pressed three."

除非，她按了！

And, I don't know what to say to this woman.

所以我說，

because my number is four one six two nine three (it's really not) but she doesn't think

「所以，顯然，

she pushed three so I don't know how she's talking to me right now

你按了。」

unless she did so I said "well obviously you did."

然後我對整個情況做了一個漫畫， 因為我想網友會覺得很有趣。

and then I made a comic about

接下來的故事發生在不久以前。

the whole situation because I thought the internet would think it was funny.

我接到了一通我不認識的電話，在早上九點半 （比我早上的鬧鐘還早...）

This next story happened not too long ago I got a call from a number I didn't

而我躺在床上......

recognize at 9:30 in the morning and I was lying in my bed asleep and most

睡著了。

people would agree that you're supposed to be awake and productive at 9:30 and I

大多數人會同意，在早上九點半醒來做正事是你應該的

didn't want whoever this stranger was thinking I'm lazy so I had to answer the

而且我不想讓這個陌生人以為我很懶，

phone with my best I've-been-awake-for-several-hours voice

所以我不得不用我最好的-

HUU HOO HUU HOO HUU HOO HUU

“我已經醒了好幾個小時”的聲音

Hello?

*累了，史詩般的失敗*「你好？」

You're going to have to come quickly. Timmy fell down the well, Vance.

「你必須快點來！提米摔進井裡了，萬斯！」

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

呃~~~~~~~~~

Wuuuuuuuuuuut?

啥？

I said you're gonna have to come quickly cuz Timmy fell down the well, Vance.

「我說，你必須快點來， 因為提米摔進井裡了，萬斯！」

I could tell it was a woman on the phone but it was either her accent or

我聽得出來打電話的是個女的，

the phone being buggy or I just had woken up but I could not understand

但是，無論是她的口音，還是手機有雜音，或者我剛剛醒來，

anything she was saying but I could make out one word which was Vance so I did

但我無法理解她說的話。

not have a lot to go off of I said I... think you have the wrong number

但我可以聽到一個名字，「萬斯」

(Incoherent screaming) okay... goodbye

所以。

(Incoherent screaming) *Beep*

我沒必要繼續講下去了

well I should probably get the day started I thought as I went back

我說， 「我......認為你打錯號碼了

to sleep but then immediately I got a call from the same number and I thought

（巴巴啦巴啦啦巴）

okay maybe if this person is calling again

好的，再見

even after I explicitly told her she had the wrong number maybe it's not a wrong

（巴啦巴啦......快點來因為提米掉進....）*掛掉*

number after all maybe there's something else going on

「好吧，我應該要開始這一天了，」 當我回去睡覺時，我想。

maybe it's an emergency so maybe mmm talk to me

但後來我立即接到了 來自同一號碼的電話！

HO-LE LO-LE HASJKDALSFHLK VANCE

我想， 「好的。

okay I can't understand

也許，如果這個人再次打電話，

anything you're saying so then this woman must have handed the phone to her

甚至在我明確地告訴她打錯電話後 （我不是萬斯）

friend because a different voice started talking and I could actually understand

也許真的不是打錯電話，

her and I'll never forget what she said which was Vance no one thinks that

也許有一些其他因素，

you're funny and even though I'm not Vance that kind of hurt so I stated the

也許是緊急情況

obvious which was yes I am and also I'm not Vance and she said no Lance so this

也許......

whole time these two have been looking for a lance so I told this woman I'm not

嗯~~~~~~~

Lance either and she said

「說吧！」

WELL THIS IS THE NUMBER THEY GAVE ME

「巴啦巴巴啦巴啦萬斯」

okay if she had said it like oh I'm sorry this is

「好的。

the number they gave me I didn't mean to call you stranger also I do think you're

我完全無法理解你在說什麼。」

funny and enjoy your videos then that would have been totally fine she's just

然後這個女人一定是把電話交給她的朋友了，

shifting the blame to someone else but instead she sounded so condescending

因為一個不同的聲音開始說話，而我真的可以聽懂她說話

like I was wasting her time well this is the number they gave me and they can't

我永遠不會忘記她說的話：

be wrong so you must be the real Lance so I said

「萬斯！沒有人認為你很有趣。」

well they must have given it to you wrong look I'm too tired to be polite.

即使我不是萬斯，這也太傷人了。

But then she hung up on me like this woman just basically called a random

所以我直接說了：

person said you're not funny and then hung up so I decided to call her back

「不，我很有趣，而且我不是萬斯。」

and said hey I just found the real Lance he's the funniest guy I ever met and he

她說， 「不！蘭斯！」

told me he doesn't give his phone number out to RUDE PIECES OF SHI- just kidding on the last

所以搞這麼久， 這兩個人一直在找「蘭斯」（諧音）。

part I thought about doing it but then I went back to sleep I didn't do it and

所以我告訴這個女人， 「我也不是蘭斯！」

then someone on the internet found my phone number and I changed it and

她說，

whoever has my old number is probably getting a lot of calls from strangers

「但是這是他們給我的號碼」

and people I went to high school with sorry about that

好的，如果她的語氣是： 「哦，對不起，這是他們給我的號碼

hey guys I'm back I haven't done an end card in a while which should probably be

我不是故意打給你的，陌生人

my next new catchphrase if you didn't know I wrote a book and you can buy it

我也認為你很有趣，也喜歡你的影片！」

buy my book but if buying things online isn't your style it's also available at

那就完全沒問題，她只是把責任推給別人

Barnes & Noble or any other local book store be sure to check it out in a

但相反地，她聽起來如此高傲，就像我在浪費她的時間！

library and remember to give it back thanks for watching everyone honestly

「這就是他們給我的號碼，他們不可能錯， 所以你一定是真正的蘭斯！」

thank you for being so patient I wish I didn't have to go a whole month

所以我說，

between posting but I hope this was worth the wait

「好吧，他們一定是給錯了。」

thank you to Rushlight Invader for animating some segments if any animation

聽好，我太累了，禮貌不了

looked at all decent that was him doing it not me thank you to anti dark heart

但後來，她掛了我！

for making the backgrounds and also thanks to Pantless Pajamas and ToonCee for

就像這個女人基本上只是隨便打給人， 說，「你不有趣」然後掛了！

doing the coloring and also thanks to Jacksepticeye for voicing one of the

所以我決定給她回電話說，

characters the character is supposed to have an accent and I was like: Dude!

「嘿！我剛找到了真正的蘭斯！ 他是我見過的最有趣的人，

you're perfect for this do you want to do one a voice a character and he was

他說他沒有給過其他人號碼你這低能兒-

like Yes! Thanks again everyone for watching I'm going to VidCon Australia, (Have fun James!)

最後那邊是開玩笑的。

now so let you know how that went when I get back I'll see you all later and wear

我想過這樣做但是我 回去睡覺了。

your seat belt. (captions by no one ;) )

我沒有這樣做