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  • Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Camille Martínez

    譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: Bruce Sung

  • So, asking for help is basically the worst, right?

    基本上,求助是最糟糕的,對吧?

  • I've actually never seen it on one of those top ten lists

    我其實從來沒有

  • of things people fear,

    在人類最恐懼的十件事 排行榜上看過它,

  • like public speaking

    通常都會有公開演說,

  • and death,

    以及死亡,

  • but I'm pretty sure it actually belongs there.

    但我很確定它一定屬於前十名。

  • Even though in many ways it's foolish for us to be afraid to admit we need help,

    雖然,在許多意義上,

  • whether it's from a loved one or a friend or from a coworker

    害怕承認自己需要協助 是件很蠢的事,

  • or even from a stranger,

    不論求助的對象是親人、朋友,

  • somehow it always feel just a little bit uncomfortable and embarrassing

    或同事,或甚至陌生人,

  • to actually ask for help,

    開口求助總是不知怎麼地

  • which is, of course, why most of us try to avoid asking for help

    讓我們感到不舒服和不好意思,

  • whenever humanly possible.

    當然,這就是為什麼大部分人

  • My father was one of those legions of fathers

    會在所能範圍內盡量避免求助。

  • who, I swear, would rather drive through an alligator-infested swamp

    我爸爸就是那種很常見的老爸,

  • than actually ask someone for help getting back to the road.

    我發誓,他寧可把車 開過內有鱷魚的沼澤,

  • When I was a kid, we took a family vacation.

    也不願意找人問路。

  • We drove from our home in South Jersey to Colonial Williamsburg.

    我小時候,我們全家去渡假。

  • And I remember we got really badly lost.

    我們從南澤西的家開車 前往殖民地威廉斯堡。

  • My mother and I pleaded with him

    我記得我們嚴重迷路。

  • to please just pull over and ask someone for directions back to the highway,

    我和我媽媽懇求他

  • and he absolutely refused,

    把車靠邊停,找人詢問 要怎麼回到幹道上,

  • and, in fact, assured us that we were not lost,

    他就是拒絕,

  • he had just always wanted to know what was over here.

    而且還保證我們沒有迷路,

  • (Laughter)

    他只是一直想知道 這裡有什麼所以來看看。

  • So if we're going to ask for help --

    (笑聲)

  • and we have to, we all do, practically every day --

    所以,如果我們要求助——

  • the only way we're going to even begin to get comfortable with it

    且其實我們所有人 每天都會需要求助——

  • is to get good at it,

    只有一種辦法能夠很自在地去求助,

  • to actually increase the chances that when you ask for help from someone,

    那就是變得擅長求助,

  • they're actually going to say yes.

    增加當你去向某人求助時,

  • And not only that, but they're going to find it actually satisfying

    那個人會答應的機率。

  • and rewarding to help you,

    且,不只如此,他們還會覺得協助你

  • because that way, they'll be motivated to continue to help you into the future.

    是件很讓人滿足、很有價值的事,

  • So research that I and some of my colleagues have done

    因為,這麼一來,他們就會 有動機在未來繼續幫助你。

  • has shed a lot of light on why it is that sometimes people say yes

    我和我的一些同事做了研究,

  • to our requests for help

    解釋了為什麼當我們尋求協助時,

  • and why sometimes they say no.

    有些人會答應,

  • Now let me just start by saying right now:

    有些人會拒絕。

  • if you need help,

    讓我就從這麼說開始:

  • you are going to have to ask for it.

    如果你需要協助,

  • Out loud.

    你就一定得要說出來。

  • OK?

    大聲說出來。好嗎?

  • We all, to some extent, suffer from something that psychologists call

    在某種程度上, 我們都有心理學家所謂的

  • "the illusion of transparency" --

    「被洞悉錯覺」——

  • basically, the mistaken belief

    基本上,它就是誤信

  • that our thoughts and our feelings and our needs

    我們的思想、我們的感覺, 以及我們的需求

  • are really obvious to other people.

    都很明顯,能被別人看出來。

  • This is not true, but we believe it.

    這不是真的,但我們卻相信。

  • And so, we just mostly stand around waiting for someone to notice our needs

    所以,我們幾乎就是等著 別人注意到我們的需求,

  • and then spontaneously offer to help us with it.

    然後自動自發地來幫助我們。

  • This is a really, really bad assumption.

    這真的是種很糟的假設。

  • In fact, not only is it very difficult to tell what your needs are,

    事實上,不僅是 說出你的需求很困難,

  • but even the people close to you often struggle to understand

    就連你身邊的人,通常也很難了解

  • how they can support you.

    他們要如何支助你。

  • My partner has actually had to adopt a habit

    我的另一半還得要養成一種習慣,

  • of asking me multiple times a day,

    每天要問我很多次

  • "Are you OK? Do you need anything?"

    「你還好嗎?你需要什麼嗎?」

  • because I am so, so bad at signaling when I need someone's help.

    因為我非常不擅長表現出 我需要別人的幫助。

  • Now, he is more patient than I deserve

    他實在對我太有耐心了,

  • and much more proactive, much more, about helping

    且他也太太太主動提供協助,

  • than any of us have any right to expect other people to be.

    我們都無法期望其他人 能做到像他這樣。

  • So if you need help, you're going to have to ask for it.

    所以,如果你需要幫助, 你就得求助。

  • And by the way, even when someone can tell that you need help,

    順便一提,就算別人 看得出你需要幫助,

  • how do they know that you want it?

    他們又怎麼知道 你想要他們的幫助?

  • Did you ever try to give unsolicited help to someone who, it turns out,

    你有沒有遇過,你主動 提供協助給某個人,

  • did not actually want your help in the first place?

    結果這個人其實 根本不想要你幫忙?

  • They get nasty real quick, don't they?

    他們馬上就變臉,對吧?

  • The other day -- true story --

    有一天——這是真實故事——

  • my teenage daughter was getting dressed for school,

    我的十多歲的女兒在更衣準備上學,

  • and I decided to give her some unsolicited help about that.

    而我決定主動提供這方面的協助。

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • I happen to think she looks amazing in brighter colors.

    我剛好認為,她穿亮色會很好看。

  • She tends to prefer sort of darker, more neutral tones.

    而她則偏好比較暗的顏色, 比較中性的色調。

  • And so I said, very helpfully,

    所以,我非常熱心地說

  • that I thought maybe she could go back upstairs

    我認為她可以考慮回到樓上,

  • and try to find something a little less somber.

    試著找件不那麼灰暗的衣服。

  • (Laughter)

    (笑聲)

  • So, if looks could kill,

    如果用瞪的可以殺人,

  • I would not be standing here right now.

    我現在就不會活著站在這裡了。

  • We really can't blame other people for not just spontaneously offering to help us

    我們真的不能怪其他人 不主動協助我們,

  • when we don't actually know that that's what is wanted.

    因為我們其實不知道 對方是否想要被幫助。

  • In fact, actually, research shows

    事實上,研究顯示,

  • that 90 percent of the help that coworkers give one another in the workplace

    在工作場所中, 同事間提供給彼此的協助,

  • is in response to explicit requests for help.

    有九成都是因為 對方有明確要求協助。

  • So you're going to have to say the words "I need your help." Right?

    所以,你必須要說出 「我需要你幫忙」這句話。

  • There's no getting around it.

    沒有其他方式。

  • Now, to be good at it,

    那麼,若要擅長求助,

  • to make sure that people actually do help you when you ask for it,

    若要確保當你求助時, 對方真的會伸出援手,

  • there are a few other things that are very helpful to keep in mind.

    記住以下幾件事情會很有助益。

  • First thing: when you ask for help,

    第一:當你求助時,

  • be very, very specific about the help you want and why.

    要非常非常明確說出你想要 什麼樣的協助,以及為什麼。

  • Vague, sort of indirect requests for help

    模糊、間接地請求協助

  • actually aren't very helpful to the helper, right?

    不太能夠幫助對方 提供幫助給你,對吧?

  • We don't actually know what it is you want from us,

    我們不知道你希望我們做些什麼,

  • and, just as important,

    同樣重要的是,

  • we don't know whether or not we can be successful

    我們也不知道我們 能不能成功幫助你。

  • in giving you the help.

    沒有人想要給予沒用的幫助。

  • Nobody wants to give bad help.

    你可能也跟我一樣,常常會在 LinkedIn(職場社交平台)上

  • Like me, you probably get some of these requests

    收到一些陌生人的請求,

  • from perfectly pleasant strangers on LinkedIn

    他們想要類似「喝杯咖啡 聚一聚,連結彼此」

  • who want to do things like "get together over coffee and connect"

    或「跟你請教一下」。

  • or "pick your brain."

    我真的每次都會直接忽略這些請求。

  • I ignore these requests literally every time.

    並不是我不是好人,

  • And it's not that I'm not a nice person.

    只是如果我不清楚你想要我做什麼,

  • It's just that when I don't know what it is you want from me,

    比如你希望我能幫上什麼忙,

  • like the kind of help you're hoping that can I provide,

    那我就沒興趣。

  • I'm not interested.

    沒人會有興趣。

  • Nobody is.

    如果他們能直接來找我, 說出他們想從我這裡得到什麼,

  • I'd have been much more interested if they had just come out and said

    我反而會感興趣許多,

  • whatever it is was they were hoping to get from me,

    因為我很肯定他們 腦中有很明確的想法。

  • because I'm pretty sure they had something specific in mind.

    所以,儘管說出來:

  • So go ahead and say,

    「我希望能討論看看 是否有機會到你的公司工作。」

  • "I'm hoping to discuss opportunities to work in your company,"

    或「我想要提議一項聯合研究計畫,

  • or, "I'd like to propose a joint research project

    我知道這是你會有興趣的研究領域。」

  • in an area I know you're interested in,"

    或「我想聽聽你對於 就讀醫學院的建議。」

  • or, "I'd like your advice on getting into medical school."

    技術上來說,最後 那個例子我幫不上忙,

  • Technically, I can't help you with that last one

    因為我不是「醫生」,我是博士,

  • because I'm not that kind of doctor,

    但我能夠引介你去找能幫上忙的人。

  • but I could point you in the direction of someone who could.

    好,第二項要訣。

  • OK, second tip.

    這項非常重要:

  • This is really important:

    請避免免責聲明、道歉,和賄賂。

  • please avoid disclaimers, apologies and bribes.

    非常重要。

  • Really, really important.

    以下這些聽起來耳熟嗎?

  • Do any of these sound familiar?

    (清喉嚨)

  • (Clears throat)

    「很抱歉我得要拜託你這件事。」

  • 'I'm so, so sorry that I have to ask you for this."

    「我真的很不想用這件事煩你。」

  • "I really hate bothering you with this."

    「如果能不找你幫忙, 我就不會來找你了。」

  • "If I had any way of doing this without your help, I would."

    (笑聲)

  • (Laughter)

    有時,感覺好像大家很想要證明

  • Sometimes it feels like people are so eager to prove

    他們在向你求助時 其實並不軟弱和貪心,

  • that they're not weak and greedy when they ask your for help,

    他們完全沒注意到這些說法

  • they're completely missing out on how uncomfortable

    會讓你感覺多麼不舒服。

  • they're making you feel.

    順便一提——如果你真的 很不想向我求助,

  • And by the way -- how am I supposed to find it satisfying to help you

    我怎麼可能會覺得 幫助你是讓人滿足的事?

  • if you really hated having to ask me for help?

    且,雖然如果請陌生人幫助你,

  • And while it is perfectly, perfectly acceptable

    付錢給他是非常可接受的事,

  • to pay strangers to do things for you,

    但若你要用錢鼓勵的對象 是你的朋友和同事,

  • you need to be very, very careful when it comes to incentivizing

    你就得要格外小心。

  • your friends and coworkers.

    如果你和某人有關係存在,

  • When you have a relationship with someone,

    彼此幫助其實很自然 就是那段關係的一部分。

  • helping one another is actually a natural part of that relationship.

    我們用這種方式 向對方展現我們在乎他。

  • It's how we show one another that we care.

    如果你讓關係涉及到獎勵或付款,

  • If you introduce incentives or payments into that,

    可能就會讓原本的關係 感覺不再是關係了,

  • what can happen is, it starts to feel like it isn't a relationship,

    反而像是交易。

  • it's a transaction.

    那其實會讓人有距離感,

  • And that actually is experienced as distancing,

    很諷刺的是,這麼做 反而會讓對方比較不想幫你。

  • which, ironically, makes people less likely to help you.

    所以,在對方協助你之後,

  • So a spontaneous gift

    不刻意地送個禮物來表示謝意——

  • after someone gives you some help to show your appreciation and gratitude --

    完全可行。

  • perfectly fine.

    付錢請你最要好的朋友幫你搬家,

  • An offer to pay your best friend to help you move into your new apartment

    不可行。

  • is not.

    好,第三條規則,

  • OK, third rule,

    對這條,我是很認真的:

  • and I really mean this one:

    請不要用電子郵件

  • please do not ask for help

    或文字訊息來求助。

  • over email or text.

    我是說真的,請不要這麼做。

  • Really, seriously, please don't.

    電子郵件和文字訊息很沒人情味。

  • Email and text are impersonal.

    我知道有時是沒有其他選擇,

  • I realize sometimes there's no alternative,

    但大部分的情況是,

  • but mostly what happens is,

    我們想要透過電子郵件 和文字訊息來求助,

  • we like to ask for help over email and text

    因為我們用這種方式 感覺比較不尷尬。

  • because it feels less awkward for us to do so.

    你知道透過電子郵件和文字訊息 做什麼也會感覺比較不尷尬嗎?

  • You know what else feels less awkward over email and text?

    拒絕你。

  • Telling you no.

    結果發現,有研究支持這個論點。

  • And it turns out, there's research to support this.

    比起用電子郵件求助,

  • In-person requests for help are 30 times more likely to get a yes

    親自去求助,對方 答應的機率反而高三十倍。

  • than a request made by email.

    所以,如果有很重要的事 你真的需要別人幫忙,

  • So when something is really important and you really need someone's help,

    找時間去當面求助,

  • make face time to make the request,

    或是把手機當「電話」來使用——

  • or use your phone as a phone --

    (笑聲)

  • (Laughter)

    來尋求你需要的協助。

  • to ask for the help that you need.

    好。

  • OK.

    最後一項,這一項真的非常重要,

  • Last one, and this is actually a really, really important one

    可能是在求助時最會被大家忽略的:

  • and probably the one that is most overlooked

    當你向某人求助,對方也答應了,

  • when it comes to asking for help:

    還要有後續追蹤。

  • when you ask someone for their help and they say yes,

    有一種常見的誤解,那就是

  • follow up with them afterward.

    協助人的行為本身 會讓人覺得很有價值。

  • There's a common misconception that what's rewarding about helping

    不是這樣的。

  • is the act of helping itself.

    會讓人覺得有價值的部分, 是知道你提供的幫助有用,

  • This is not true.

    有所影響,

  • What is rewarding about helping is knowing that your help landed,

    知道你造成了不同。

  • that it had impact,

    如果我不知道我的協助 對你有什麼影響,

  • that you were effective.

    我會對它有什麼感受?

  • If I have no idea how my help affected you,

    我遇過一件事;我之前 當了很多年的大學教授,

  • how am I supposed to feel about it?

    我寫過非常多推薦信,

  • This happened; I was a university professor for many years,

    推薦別人找工作或是讀研究所。

  • I wrote lots and lots of letters of recommendation

    當中大概有 95%

  • for people to get jobs or to go into graduate school.

    我都不知道後來結果如何。

  • And probably about 95 percent of them,

    我如果不知道我有沒有幫上忙,

  • I have no idea what happened.

    我對我花在推薦上的 時間心力會有什麼感覺?

  • Now, how do I feel about the time and effort I took to do that,

    我的推薦真的有幫你達到目標嗎?

  • when I really have no idea if I helped you,

    事實上,這種有幫上忙的感覺,

  • if it actually helped you get the thing that you wanted?

    正是某些懇求捐助的請求

  • In fact, this idea of feeling effective

    能如此有說服力的原因之一——

  • is part of why certain kinds of donor appeals are so, so persuasive --

    因為它們能讓你很生動地想像出

  • because they allow you to really vividly imagine

    你的幫助會帶來什麼效益。

  • the effect that your help is going to have.

    以 DonorsChoose(組織)為例。

  • Take something like DonorsChoose.

    你可以上網,依照名字 來選擇某一位老師,

  • You go online, you can choose the individual teacher by name

    你可以去協助他的班級,

  • whose classroom you're going to be able to help

    直接購買他們很明確需求的物品,

  • by literally buying the specific items they've requested,

    比如顯微鏡、筆電, 或有彈性的坐椅。

  • like microscopes or laptops or flexible seating.

    像這樣的捐助請求, 讓我可以很容易想像出

  • An appeal like that makes it so easy for me to imagine

    我的錢能夠做什麼善事,

  • the good that my money will do,

    在我決定要捐助時,

  • that I actually get an immediate sense of effectiveness

    我馬上就可以有種幫上忙的感覺。

  • the minute I commit to giving.

    但,你知道它們還會做什麼嗎?

  • But you know what else they do?

    後續追蹤。

  • They follow up.

    捐贈者會收到班上孩子寫來的信。

  • Donors actually get letters from the kids in the classroom.

    他們會收到照片。

  • They get pictures.

    他們能知道他們造成了不同。

  • They get to know that they made a difference.

    我們所有人在日常生活中 都應該要這麼做,

  • And this is something we need to all be doing in our everyday lives,

    這樣我們才能讓別人

  • especially if we want people to continue to give us help

    長期繼續提供我們協助。

  • over the long term.

    花點時間,告訴你的同事,

  • Take time to tell your colleague that the help that they gave you

    他們給你的協助真的 讓你成交了一筆大生意,

  • really helped you land that big sale,

    或是讓你取得了 你一直盼望的面試機會。

  • or helped you get that interview that you were really hoping to get.

    花點時間,告訴你的另一半, 他們給予你的支持

  • Take time to tell your partner that the support they gave you

    真的幫助你渡過低潮。

  • really made it possible for you to get through a tough time.

    花點時間,告訴幫你照顧貓的人,

  • Take time to tell your catsitter

    你超級開心,因為出於某種原因,

  • that you're super happy that for some reason,

    這次你出遠門時, 你的貓沒有打破任何東西,

  • this time the cats didn't break anything while you were away,

    所以一定是他們把貓顧得很好。

  • and so they must have done a really good job.

    結果就是:

  • The bottom line is:

    我知道——相信我,我知道——

  • I know -- believe me, I know --

    要開口求助並不容易。

  • that it is not easy to ask for help.

    我們都有一點害怕求助。

  • We are all a little bit afraid to do it.

    求助讓我們感到脆弱。

  • It makes us feel vulnerable.

    但,現代工作 和現代生活的現實就是,

  • But the reality of modern work and modern life

    沒有人能只靠自己。

  • is that nobody does it alone.

    沒有人能獨自一人成功。

  • Nobody succeeds in a vacuum.

    我們比以往更需要仰賴其他人,

  • More than ever, we actually do have to rely on other people,

    仰賴他們的支持和合作, 才有可能成功。

  • on their support and collaboration, in order to be successful.

    所以,當你需要協助時, 只管大聲說出來。

  • So when you need help, ask for it out loud.

    當你求助時,

  • And when you do, do it in a way that increases your chances

    要用能讓對方更有可能 答應的方式來求助,

  • that you'll get a yes

    並且讓對方覺得 能幫到你是件很棒的事,

  • and makes the other person feel awesome for having helped you,

    因為這是你們雙方都應得的。

  • because you both deserve it.

    謝謝。

  • Thank you.

    (掌聲)

  • (Applause)

Translator: Joseph Geni Reviewer: Camille Martínez

譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: Bruce Sung

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A2 初級 中文 美國腔 TED 求助 協助 幫助 幫上 答應

TED】海蒂-格蘭特。如何尋求幫助--並得到 "是"(如何尋求幫助--並得到 "是"|海蒂-格蘭特)。 (【TED】Heidi Grant: How to ask for help -- and get a "yes" (How to ask for help -- and get a "yes" | Heidi Grant))

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    林宜悉 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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