Britain is an old-fashioned, weird place.

英國是個老派又奇怪的地方。

Every November, we burn a wooden effigy of a dude who tried to burn down Parliament hundreds of years ago.

每年十一月，我們會燒掉一個好幾百年前想要燒掉議會的男人的木製雕像。

We turn people we like into Knights.

我們把喜愛的人變成騎士。

However, the most ridiculous thing that we have is our laws.

然而，最荒唐的是我們的法律。

If you wear a suit of armour in Parliament, they're legally allowed to cut your head off.

如果在議會裡穿著盔甲，他們可以合法將你砍頭。

This is ridiculous.

真荒謬。

That's not the only dumb British law.

這還不是英國唯一愚蠢的法律。

We've got tons of them, and I don't even know if anyone takes these things seriously.

這種法律有成千上萬條，而我不知道是否有人認真看待過它們。

So today I'm going to test that and try and break as many ancient British laws as possible in one day in front of policemen and hope that I don't get arrested.

所以呢，今天我要試著在一天內在警察面前盡可能地打破越多條愚蠢古老英國法條，希望我不會被逮捕。

Do you think that this is a suspicious fish?

你覺得這是條可疑的魚嗎？

Oh, definitely.

噢，當然。

You know, there's a law where it's illegal to handle a salmon suspiciously.

知道嗎？可疑地拿著鮭魚是違法的。

I've got the salmon; now I have to act suspiciously with it.

我有鮭魚了，現在我得表現出可疑的樣子。

He's checking if his car's locked.

他在檢查他的車鎖了沒。

That's how fucking creepy I look.

就知道我看起來有多詭異了。

What've you got a fish for?

你拿著一條魚幹嘛？

Does it look suspicious to you?

你覺得這樣看起來可疑嗎？

It doesn't look suspicious but it looks interesting.

不會可疑，但蠻有趣的。

It's not suspicious?

不可疑嗎？

Alright I'll I try harder to be more suspicious.

好吧，我會試著更可疑點。

The fuck is that?!

那是什麼鬼！

Ladies and gentlemen, would you like to see a man walking past with a fish?

先生小姐，來看這有個男人拿著一條魚過馬路。

Pointless.

無聊。

You don't know if there's a library nearby do you?

請問這附近有沒有圖書館？

Apparently, it's illegal to gamble in a library.

顯然，在圖書館賭博是違法的。

So me, stinking of salmon, I'm gonna go and try and make someone bet with me in this library and break that law.

所以我，滿身魚腥味，要進去圖書館找個人跟我對賭來打破這條法律。

Excuse me, do either of you gamble?

不好意思，你們誰會賭博嗎？

Yes, gamble, like Blackjack.

對，賭博，像 21 點之類的。

We don't have to play for money if you don't want to.

如果不想的話，也可以不賭錢沒關係。

I've got a Sashimi-quality fish.

我有條生魚片品質的魚。

Excuse me, I've got a great game of Blackjack.

不好意思，我很會玩 21 點。

Sorry if I smell.

抱歉我很臭。

How come you're doing this?

為什麼你要這樣做？

I'm trying to break as many ancient laws as I can in a day.

我在試著在一天內打破越多的古老法條。

You going again?

還要牌嗎？

Oof, bust, 10p for me.

噢，爆點，我得十點。

I was gambling in a library!

我剛剛在圖書館賭博！

I'm gonna walk right into that building there in a suit of armour.

我要穿著這套盔甲走進那棟建築。

Something that apparently you're supposed to get your head cut off for.

這是件做了應該會被砍頭的事。

- Hi there - Is it a public gallery?

- 嗨。 - 這是個公開展覽嗎？

Yes!

沒錯！

Um, not sure...

嗯，我不確定......

- If the armour... - You haven't got a real sword have you?

- 這盔甲...... - 你沒帶著真劍，對吧？

No, it's plastic.

沒，這塑膠的。

Sorry, this has never happened!

抱歉，當沒事！

- Have a look at the sign, make sure you don't have any of these. - I definitely don't have any of those

- 看一下告示牌確認你沒有上面的違禁品。 - 我絕對沒有那些東西。

Why are you dressed as a knight?

為什麼你要穿得像個騎士？

I've just been filming around the corner doing a kids TV thing.

我只是剛剛在轉角拍攝兒童影片。

- Okay - Amazing!

- 好。 - 讚哦！

I just went into Parliament wearing a suit of armour and I still have a head.

我剛剛穿著盔甲進去議會，而我的頭還健在。

Right, next one.

好，下一個。

You can't shake out a dirty rug in public.

你不能在公眾場合甩髒毯子。

And also can't wear an outrageous double ruff.

也不能穿浮誇的雙層拉夫領。

Or be be sock-less within a hundred yards of the Queen.

在女王所在範圍一百碼內也不能光著腳。

Just shaking the rug.

只是在甩毯子。

Alright.

好。

Wearing a double ruff, being sock-less.

穿著雙層拉夫領，光著腳。

Is this like an anti-establishment thing or something?

這是在反建制還是怎樣嗎？

Are you filming now?

你在錄影嗎？

There's a law against singing a lewd ballad in public.

有條法律禁止在公眾場合唱下流的歌謠。

I'm pretty sure Tony Blair lives around here.

我肯定前首相東尼．布萊爾住在這附近。

I'll try and do a bit of improv.

我會試著即興唱點歌。

Just gonna sing a song.

只是想唱首歌。

I've written a little song, if that's okay?

我寫了一點歌，可以嗎？

If you do it on the other side of the road, yeah.

如果你在路的對面唱就沒問題。

Okay.

好的。

Tony, Tony, how are you today?

東尼，東尼，今天如何？

Tony boy Tony, please come out and play.

東尼，東尼寶貝，出來玩玩。

You look like a marshmallow.

你就像個棉花糖。

Our eyes meet over the piano.

我們的眼神在琴鍵相會。

Oh, I'd love to nestle my head on your fluffy chest.

噢，我想依偎在你的毛毛胸口。

Tony boy, Tony, come out and play.

東尼，東尼寶貝，出來玩玩。

Well I sang about hooking up with Tony Blair to his window.

我剛對著東尼．布萊爾的窗戶唱了點調情的歌。

I guess that's lewd - that's another law broken another off the list.

這應該算下流吧，又解決一條法律，從清單劃掉。

So stupid.

真蠢！

I've never been to Downing Street before.

我從來沒去過唐寧街。

10 Downing Street: residence of the Prime Minister.

唐寧街 10 號，英國首相官邸。