Ok, let me tell you something right now.

讓我告訴你一些事情。

It's really weird to me that people are scared of me in an airport.

對我而言，人們在機場時都這麼怕我真的很奇怪。

Cause if everybody think about it, I'm the most scared guy in the airport.

大家想一想，我其實應該是機場裡最害怕的人了。

I am most likely to get shot over a misunderstanding, in an airport, right?

我是最可能在機場因誤會而被槍殺的人，對吧？

The TSA thing that my heart is already racing, man.

只要看到美國運輸安全管理局的標誌，我的心跳就開始狂飆。

I put my bag on the conveyor, but there is a little voice in my head.

我把包包放在輸送帶上，但同時我腦袋中出現一個小小的聲音。

Oh my god, what's gonna happen now?

天啊，接下來會發生甚麼事？

What's gonna happen now?

接下來會發生甚麼事？

There's an argument in myself.

我的腦袋中出現了爭論的聲音。

Nothing's gonna happen now, stupid.

甚麼事都不會發生啦，笨蛋。

There's nothing in your bag.

你的包包裡甚麼都沒有啊。

Yeah, but still...

對啊，但還是......

It's a good point!

說得沒錯吧！

I saw you were nervous, but you've got that scary signs in the airport chasing around.

我知道你很緊張，但是機場裡可怕的潛規則逼得我喘不過氣。

If you see something, say something...

如果你看到甚麼，說了甚麼......

It's pretty ambiguous set of instructions.

這個指示也太不清楚了吧。

If you see something...

如果你看到甚麼......

Say something...

說了甚麼......

I am in (the) airport and...

我在機場裡，然後......

I see a lot of things.

我看到好多東西啊！

I should say something.

我應該說點甚麼。

What should I say?

但我該說甚麼？

"Something."

「甚麼。」

Ok, here we go.

好，我要說囉！

(Arabic: God is the greatest!)

(阿拉伯文：真主至上！)

I am doing a good job in the airport.

我在機場的表現良好啊！

I am gonna die in (the) airport.

但我可能會死在機場裡。

Is that fair?

這公平嗎？

I followed the airport instructions.

我完全遵照了機場的潛規則。

Go test me, bro.

去告我啊！

Then you get to the gate.

接著到了登機門前。

You should be able to calm down.

這時候你應該能夠冷靜下來。

Calm your nerves at the gate.

在登機門前讓自己鎮定下來。

Oh, no.

喔不。

The US government thought it's a good idea to put a TV screen and every boarding gate in America, join 24/7 news coverage of CNN.

美國政府認為在每個登機門放上一個大電視螢幕，上面全天候播放著 CNN 的新聞報導是一個絕頂聰明的主意。

"Still you shit happening right now."

「現在為您報導一則不幸的消息。」

I was just minding my business at the gate trying to chill out and there was a TV screen above my head.

在登機門時，我只是在想事情並試著放鬆，但我頭上有個電視螢幕。

Showing an Isis beheading .

播報有關伊斯蘭國砍人頭的新聞。

Everybody at the gate looking at Isis.

在登機門的每個人都看看電視上的伊斯蘭國新聞。

Looking at me.

然後看看我。

Looking at Isis.

看看伊斯蘭國。

Looking at me.

再看看我。

Isis, me.

伊斯蘭國，然後我。

I just wanna be like, "I didn't do it."

我只想表示：「不是我幹的。 」

I'm in Chicago with you.

我現在正在芝加哥，跟你們一起。

Look, it says live.

看，這是現場直播。

It's happening right now.

是現在正在發生的事情。

How can that be...

我要怎麼跟這個......

Damn, it says recording, aren't you?

可惡，電視上不是寫著攝影中嗎？

It could be me?

會是我幹的嗎？

Hypothetically, theoretically, it's not me!

假設、理論上，這都不可能是我！

And by the way, if this is me, you have bigger problems: I am already at the gate.

順便告訴你們一件事，如果電視上的這個人是我，你們就有大麻煩了：我已經出現在登機門了。

Ridiculous, man.

這也太荒謬了吧，老兄。

They start pretending TSA works.

大家都開始假裝美國運輸安全管理局是有用的。

If it did, we wouldn't be so nervous at the gate.

如果它真的有用的話，我們在登機門前就不會這麼緊張、害怕了。

And the thing is, it really gets on someone's nerves because the thing bothers me when everybody is staring at me.

重點是當所有人都在不停地看我的時候，這種擾人的狀況真的很容易惹毛我。

Seriously.

我說真的。

The passengers are staring.

乘客們都在看我。

The employees are staring.

機場工作人員也都在看我。

The dogs are staring.

甚至連狗都在看我。

Alright, I wanna make this very clear.

我想要大力澄清一件事。

I'm not a terrorist.

我不是一個恐怖份子。

I never been a terrorist.

我從來都不是一個恐怖份子。

I never want to be a terrorist.

我也從來沒有想要變成一個恐怖份子。

I am, however, "terrorist-ish."

但是我在大家心中，卻屬於「類恐怖份子 」這個族群。

Don't get scared, I'll tell you what that means.

不要被剛剛這句話嚇到了，接下來我要告訴你到底我在說甚麼。

It means when I'm standing there, and everybody is staring at me.

這句話的意思就是當我真在這裡的時候，每個人都注視著我。

Give me real me dirty looks.

而且是不友善地瞪著我。

His little voice goes off on the back of my head like...

我心裡那個小惡魔的聲音出現在腦海裡......

You know what?

你知道嗎？

I'm not terrorist but if I was...

我不是一個恐怖份子，但如果我曾經是的話......

Kill all you racist mother fuckers.

我還不把你們這些種族主義者全部幹掉！

Stop staring at me.

不要再看著我了。

It's just hair on my face.

我臉上的東西只是鬍子而已。

All it means exactly (is) I eat spaghetti in public.

它所能代表的只是大家會發現我在公共場合吃義大利麵。

A lot of shampoo and conditioner.

代表我用了一堆的洗髮精和護髮乳。

And find the split ends for years.

還有我花了很長的時間在找毛髮哪裡分岔。

And the only worse of all, that is the moment I am going to get on the plane.

而這個大鬍子帶來的最糟的事就是當我登機的時候。

People are in shock.

大家都會被嚇到。

There is a middle of conversations they said, " Where are you from? What do you..."

曾經有一次，有兩個人正在互相打招呼：「嗨你是哪裡人？你最近...... 」

"I'm gonna die."

「我要掛了。 」

"Honey, I love you."

「寶貝，我愛你。」

"He's so (sc)ary."

「他好恐怖。」

"He keeps staring at me."

「他一直看著我。」

"He punches in son of the face."

「他看起來好像要打人的樣子。」

And I'll be honest, New York City.

紐約，我要對你們坦白地說。

Can I be totally honest with you?

我可以和你們完全坦白嗎？

Totally honest?

可以嗎？

I don't really understand what these people are so scared of.

我真的不懂這些人在害怕甚麼。

I don't get it.

我不懂。

Cause think about it.

想看看。

If I was a crazy Muslim fundamentalist terrorist about to hijack the plane, this is probably not the disguise I would go with.

如果我是一個要劫機的穆斯林基本教義派恐怖份子，我才不會以這個樣貌偽裝身分。

Doesn't exactly slip you under the radar.

這樣的外表根本沒辦法讓我逃過眾人的懷疑。

Of course everybody's are real nice to me once the plane safely lands.

當然在飛機終於安全降落後，大家對我都會變得很和善。

And they just slinging over and smiling...

然後他們只是擁抱我並對我笑笑......

I'm just waiting for an honest answer that end the play.

我只是在等待一個可以結束這場鬧劇地誠實的答案。

"Excuse me sir, I thought you gonna kill us."

「真是不好意思，先生，我以為你會把我們全部幹掉。」

"Sorry about that."

「抱歉啦。」

"Everybody I was about to go to the bathroom", and I was gonna stab you.

「我終於可以去廁所了，各位。」然後我就會跟在後面刺死你。

My name is Azhar Usman and thank you for your listen.

我是阿查爾烏斯曼，謝謝大家。