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  • Traveling is a big topic for Muslim comedians because we have to go to the airport, looking like this.

    旅行對穆斯林的喜劇表演者來說一直都是個大問題,因為我們得用這樣的外表去機場。

  • Ok, let me tell you something right now.

    讓我告訴你一些事情。

  • It's really weird to me that people are scared of me in an airport.

    對我而言,人們在機場時都這麼怕我真的很奇怪。

  • Cause if everybody think about it, I'm the most scared guy in the airport.

    大家想一想,我其實應該是機場裡最害怕的人了。

  • I am most likely to get shot over a misunderstanding, in an airport, right?

    我是最可能在機場因誤會而被槍殺的人,對吧?

  • The TSA thing that my heart is already racing, man.

    只要看到美國運輸安全管理局的標誌,我的心跳就開始狂飆。

  • I put my bag on the conveyor, but there is a little voice in my head.

    我把包包放在輸送帶上,但同時我腦袋中出現一個小小的聲音。

  • Oh my god, what's gonna happen now?

    天啊,接下來會發生甚麼事?

  • What's gonna happen now?

    接下來會發生甚麼事?

  • There's an argument in myself.

    我的腦袋中出現了爭論的聲音。

  • Nothing's gonna happen now, stupid.

    甚麼事都不會發生啦,笨蛋。

  • There's nothing in your bag.

    你的包包裡甚麼都沒有啊。

  • Yeah, but still...

    對啊,但還是......

  • It's a good point!

    說得沒錯吧!

  • I saw you were nervous, but you've got that scary signs in the airport chasing around.

    我知道你很緊張,但是機場裡可怕的潛規則逼得我喘不過氣。

  • If you see something, say something...

    如果你看到甚麼,說了甚麼......

  • It's pretty ambiguous set of instructions.

    這個指示也太不清楚了吧。

  • If you see something...

    如果你看到甚麼......

  • Say something...

    說了甚麼......

  • I am in (the) airport and...

    我在機場裡,然後......

  • I see a lot of things.

    我看到好多東西啊!

  • I should say something.

    我應該說點甚麼。

  • What should I say?

    但我該說甚麼?

  • "Something."

    「甚麼。」

  • Ok, here we go.

    好,我要說囉!

  • (Arabic: God is the greatest!)

    (阿拉伯文:真主至上!)

  • I am doing a good job in the airport.

    我在機場的表現良好啊!

  • I am gonna die in (the) airport.

    但我可能會死在機場裡。

  • Is that fair?

    這公平嗎?

  • I followed the airport instructions.

    我完全遵照了機場的潛規則。

  • Go test me, bro.

    去告我啊!

  • Then you get to the gate.

    接著到了登機門前。

  • You should be able to calm down.

    這時候你應該能夠冷靜下來。

  • Calm your nerves at the gate.

    在登機門前讓自己鎮定下來。

  • Oh, no.

    喔不。

  • The US government thought it's a good idea to put a TV screen and every boarding gate in America, join 24/7 news coverage of CNN.

    美國政府認為在每個登機門放上一個大電視螢幕,上面全天候播放著 CNN 的新聞報導是一個絕頂聰明的主意。

  • "Still you shit happening right now."

    「現在為您報導一則不幸的消息。」

  • I was just minding my business at the gate trying to chill out and there was a TV screen above my head.

    在登機門時,我只是在想事情並試著放鬆,但我頭上有個電視螢幕。

  • Showing an Isis beheading .

    播報有關伊斯蘭國砍人頭的新聞。

  • Everybody at the gate looking at Isis.

    在登機門的每個人都看看電視上的伊斯蘭國新聞。

  • Looking at me.

    然後看看我。

  • Looking at Isis.

    看看伊斯蘭國。

  • Looking at me.

    再看看我。

  • Isis, me.

    伊斯蘭國,然後我。

  • I just wanna be like, "I didn't do it."

    我只想表示:「不是我幹的。 」

  • I'm in Chicago with you.

    我現在正在芝加哥,跟你們一起。

  • Look, it says live.

    看,這是現場直播。

  • It's happening right now.

    是現在正在發生的事情。

  • How can that be...

    我要怎麼跟這個......

  • Damn, it says recording, aren't you?

    可惡,電視上不是寫著攝影中嗎?

  • It could be me?

    會是我幹的嗎?

  • Hypothetically, theoretically, it's not me!

    假設、理論上,這都不可能是我!

  • And by the way, if this is me, you have bigger problems: I am already at the gate.

    順便告訴你們一件事,如果電視上的這個人是我,你們就有大麻煩了:我已經出現在登機門了。

  • Ridiculous, man.

    這也太荒謬了吧,老兄。

  • They start pretending TSA works.

    大家都開始假裝美國運輸安全管理局是有用的。

  • If it did, we wouldn't be so nervous at the gate.

    如果它真的有用的話,我們在登機門前就不會這麼緊張、害怕了。

  • And the thing is, it really gets on someone's nerves because the thing bothers me when everybody is staring at me.

    重點是當所有人都在不停地看我的時候,這種擾人的狀況真的很容易惹毛我。

  • Seriously.

    我說真的。

  • The passengers are staring.

    乘客們都在看我。

  • The employees are staring.

    機場工作人員也都在看我。

  • The dogs are staring.

    甚至連狗都在看我。

  • Alright, I wanna make this very clear.

    我想要大力澄清一件事。

  • I'm not a terrorist.

    我不是一個恐怖份子。

  • I never been a terrorist.

    我從來都不是一個恐怖份子。

  • I never want to be a terrorist.

    我也從來沒有想要變成一個恐怖份子。

  • I am, however, "terrorist-ish."

    但是我在大家心中,卻屬於「類恐怖份子 」這個族群。

  • Don't get scared, I'll tell you what that means.

    不要被剛剛這句話嚇到了,接下來我要告訴你到底我在說甚麼。

  • It means when I'm standing there, and everybody is staring at me.

    這句話的意思就是當我真在這裡的時候,每個人都注視著我。

  • Give me real me dirty looks.

    而且是不友善地瞪著我。

  • His little voice goes off on the back of my head like...

    我心裡那個小惡魔的聲音出現在腦海裡......

  • You know what?

    你知道嗎?

  • I'm not terrorist but if I was...

    我不是一個恐怖份子,但如果我曾經是的話......

  • Kill all you racist mother fuckers.

    我還不把你們這些種族主義者全部幹掉!

  • Stop staring at me.

    不要再看著我了。

  • It's just hair on my face.

    我臉上的東西只是鬍子而已。

  • All it means exactly (is) I eat spaghetti in public.

    它所能代表的只是大家會發現我在公共場合吃義大利麵。

  • A lot of shampoo and conditioner.

    代表我用了一堆的洗髮精和護髮乳。

  • And find the split ends for years.

    還有我花了很長的時間在找毛髮哪裡分岔。

  • And the only worse of all, that is the moment I am going to get on the plane.

    而這個大鬍子帶來的最糟的事就是當我登機的時候。

  • People are in shock.

    大家都會被嚇到。

  • There is a middle of conversations they said, " Where are you from? What do you..."

    曾經有一次,有兩個人正在互相打招呼:「嗨你是哪裡人?你最近...... 」

  • "I'm gonna die."

    「我要掛了。 」

  • "Honey, I love you."

    「寶貝,我愛你。」

  • "He's so (sc)ary."

    「他好恐怖。」

  • "He keeps staring at me."

    「他一直看著我。」

  • "He punches in son of the face."

    「他看起來好像要打人的樣子。」

  • And I'll be honest, New York City.

    紐約,我要對你們坦白地說。

  • Can I be totally honest with you?

    我可以和你們完全坦白嗎?

  • Totally honest?

    可以嗎?

  • I don't really understand what these people are so scared of.

    我真的不懂這些人在害怕甚麼。

  • I don't get it.

    我不懂。

  • Cause think about it.

    想看看。

  • If I was a crazy Muslim fundamentalist terrorist about to hijack the plane, this is probably not the disguise I would go with.

    如果我是一個要劫機的穆斯林基本教義派恐怖份子,我才不會以這個樣貌偽裝身分。

  • Doesn't exactly slip you under the radar.

    這樣的外表根本沒辦法讓我逃過眾人的懷疑。

  • Of course everybody's are real nice to me once the plane safely lands.

    當然在飛機終於安全降落後,大家對我都會變得很和善。

  • And they just slinging over and smiling...

    然後他們只是擁抱我並對我笑笑......

  • I'm just waiting for an honest answer that end the play.

    我只是在等待一個可以結束這場鬧劇地誠實的答案。

  • "Excuse me sir, I thought you gonna kill us."

    「真是不好意思,先生,我以為你會把我們全部幹掉。」

  • "Sorry about that."

    「抱歉啦。」

  • "Everybody I was about to go to the bathroom", and I was gonna stab you.

    「我終於可以去廁所了,各位。」然後我就會跟在後面刺死你。

  • My name is Azhar Usman and thank you for your listen.

    我是阿查爾烏斯曼,謝謝大家。

Traveling is a big topic for Muslim comedians because we have to go to the airport, looking like this.

旅行對穆斯林的喜劇表演者來說一直都是個大問題,因為我們得用這樣的外表去機場。

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B1 中級 中文 美國腔 機場 恐怖份子 登機門 伊斯蘭國 穆斯林 電視

【多元文化】留鬍子錯了嗎?穆斯林的心聲誰人知? (Flying While Muslim ~ standup comedian Azhar Usman)

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    Lian 發佈於 2019 年 09 月 03 日
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