Has one snack of peanuts and water.

吃了一份花生還喝了水。

Oh, hi, I'm not doing anything suspicious.

噢，嗨！我沒有在做什麼可疑的事啦。

Have you ever had a certain person you think is really awesome, and you want to spend all your time with them?

你曾經有沒有過一個人讓你覺得他很美好，而且想無時無刻不跟他膩在一起？

You write their name over and over again in your journal.

你在日記裡一次又一次提到他的名字。

You make sacrifices to an effigy of them made of glitter and straw.

你用亮粉和稻草做出他的雕像，並獻祭給他。

No? Just me?

沒有嗎？只有我這樣做嗎？

Okay.

好喔。

Your first instinct might be to jump down a well or into a bottomless mine where you will seamlessly assimilate into bat culture, because crushes are terrible.

因為「愛慕」這件事太可怕了，你的本能可能會讓你想跳進水井或深不可測的礦井裡，直接跟蝙蝠同化。

They consume your thoughts.

依戀的情感讓你耗盡心思。

Does this person like me?

這個人喜歡我嗎？

Will they ever talk to me?

他們會跟我說話嗎？

How can I make them like me?

我該怎麼讓他們喜歡我？

Oh, God, maybe they're dating someone.

噢，天啊，他現在可能就在跟某人約會。

Just chill, relax.

先冷靜、放鬆。

Do you want a massage?

想要按摩嗎？

No? Personal space, I get it, I get it.

不要？個人空間是吧，我瞭、我瞭了。

First things first, try your darndest not to stalk them on the Internet.

首要之務就是不要在網路世界跟蹤他們的一舉一動。

The only thing that results in is more anxiety.

這麼做只會讓你更加焦慮。

You start thinking everyone in every picture is their significant other.

你會開始假設照片中的人是他的另一半。

Is that a cousin or a girlfriend?

這是表堂姐妹嗎？還是他女朋友？

Is that a grandpa or a sugar daddy?

那是她爺爺還是她乾爹？

It's confusing, I know.

我知道這很讓人困惑。

The bad news, you can't force anyone to like you.

但壞消息是，你不能強迫任何人喜歡你。

Usually, when you do that, they end up not liking you at all.

通常當你這麼做之後，他們只會變得不喜歡你而已。

Just sending some letters.

我只是在寄一些信。

Come in.

請進。

Excuse me, sir.

先生，不好意思。

Huh?

哼？

Have you seen a young lady around here, about yea high, pink hair?

你有沒有在這附近看到一名年輕的女子，大約這麼高，有著粉紅色頭髮？

Nope, nothing like that.

沒啊，沒看過這人。

Okay, I'll see myself out.

好的，我就先行離開了。

That's the third time this week.

這已經是這週第三次了。

I'm gonna tell you a secret that's only been transcribed in the oldest, most ancient and spooky of tomes.

我要告訴你一個秘密，它只被記載在那部最古老的又陰森的鉅著之中。

The absolute only way to get your crush to notice you: talk to them.

想要讓你暗戀的對象注意你的唯一方法就是：跟他們說話。

Use those weird flaps you call lips and form noises into words in their general direction.

用這兩片你稱之為「嘴唇」的怪異薄辦，直接對他們發出噪音、形成話語。

Find out about them, their favorite brand of toothpaste, what kind of masks they like to wear, normal stuff.

多了解他們，他們最愛的牙膏品牌、他們喜歡戴什麼面具，類似這種平常的事情。

If you say nothing, they'll never know you're interested, as friends or otherwise.

如果你什麼都不說，他們永遠不會知道你想跟他們交朋友或建立其他關係。

People are nicer than we give them credit for.

人們其實比我們想像得還要好。

We imagine the worst, but inside, everyone's a weird, wiggly ball of anxiety.

我們常會設想最糟的情況，但其實每個人的內心都一樣古怪又焦慮。

And even if it doesn't work out, you did something that took courage, and that's something to be proud of.

即使還是沒有成功，你也做了件需要勇氣的事，這很值得驕傲。

Changing your clothes or acting differently and hopes they take notice and ask you out just won't work.

想要藉由改變自己的穿著或表現得特別一點，並期望對方注意到你，更進一步約你出去，這招是行不通的。

Think, would that work on you?

你自己想，你會吃這套嗎？

Hmmmmmmm...?

嗯......？

And besides, if you have to change yourself to gain their attention, they're not worth it.

除此之外，如果你需要改變自己來吸引他們的目光，他們不值得你這麼做的。

Good luck, you loopy lovesick weirdos.

祝好運囉，你們這些癡癡苦戀的怪人。

Well, you've got a crush to talk to, and I've got a plane to Fiji to catch.

好啦，你有個暗戀的對象要談談，我則有架前往斐濟的飛機要搭。

See you later. (sirens wailing)

晚點見囉。(警笛大作)