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  • So when you think about a child, a close friend, or a romantic partner,

    譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: Helen Chang

  • the word "love" probably comes to mind,

    當你想到孩子、 親密好友,或伴侶時,

  • and instantly other emotions rush in:

    腦中可能會浮現「愛」這個字,

  • joy and hope,

    其他的情緒也馬上隨之而來:

  • excitement, trust and security,

    喜悅和希望,

  • and yes, sometimes sadness and disappointment.

    興奮、信任,和安全感,

  • There might not be a word in the dictionary

    是的,有時還有悲傷和失望。

  • that more of us are connected to than love.

    在字典中可能沒有其他的字詞

  • Yet, given its central importance in our lives,

    比「愛」能讓更多人有所連結。

  • isn't it interesting that we're never explicitly taught how to love?

    但,雖然愛在我們的生命中 有這麼高的重要性,

  • We build friendships,

    我們卻從來沒有被明確教導過 要如何去愛,這不是很有趣嗎?

  • navigate early romantic relationships,

    我們建立友誼,

  • get married and bring babies home from the hospital

    在早期的愛情關係當中探索,

  • with the expectation that we'll figure it out.

    結婚成家,把小孩從醫院帶回家,

  • But the truth is, we often harm and disrespect the ones we love.

    期望我們能夠想通愛是什麼。

  • It can be subtle things

    但,真相是,我們通常會傷害、 不尊重我們所愛的人。

  • like guilting a friend into spending time with you

    有可能是小事,

  • or sneaking a peak at your partner's texts

    比如利用罪惡感 讓朋友花時間陪伴你,

  • or shaming a child for their lack of effort at school.

    或偷看伴侶的訊息,

  • 100 percent of us will be on the receiving end

    或因為孩子在學校 不夠努力就羞辱他。

  • of unhealthy relationship behaviors

    我們所有人都會接收到

  • and 100 percent of us will do unhealthy things.

    不健康的關係的行為,

  • It's part of being human.

    我們所有人也都會 做出不健康的事。

  • In its worst form, the harm we inflict on loved ones

    這是身為人的一部分。

  • shows up as abuse and violence,

    我們對於我們所愛的人 施加的傷害,最糟糕的形式

  • and relationship abuse

    就是虐待和暴力,

  • is something that one in three women and one in four men

    關係中的虐待很常見,

  • will experience in their lifetime.

    三分之一的女性和四分之一的男性

  • Now, if you're like most people, when you hear those stats,

    在一生中都會經歷到。

  • you'll go, "Oh, no, no, no, that would never happen to me."

    如果你和大部分人一樣, 當你聽到那些統計數字時,

  • It's instinctual to move away from the words "abuse" and "violence,"

    你會說:「喔,不,不, 那不會發生在我身上。」

  • to think that they happen to someone else somewhere else.

    我們的本能是會遠離 「虐待」和「暴力」這些詞,

  • But the truth is, unhealthy relationships and abuse are all around us.

    認為那只會發生在其他地方, 發生在別人身上。

  • We just call them different things and ignore the connection.

    但,真相是,我們身邊處處 都是不健康的關係和虐待。

  • Abuse sneaks up on us disguised in unhealthy love.

    我們只是給了它們不同的稱呼, 並忽略它們的關聯性。

  • I work for an organization called One Love

    虐待會偽裝成 不健康的愛來偷襲我們。

  • started by a family whose daughter Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend.

    我為「One Love」這個組織工作,

  • This was a tragedy no one saw coming,

    創辦這個組織的家庭,他們的女兒 雅爾德莉被前男友殺害。

  • but when they looked back, they realized the warning signs were there

    沒有人預料到會發生這種悲劇,

  • just no one understood what they were seeing.

    但當他們回頭看時, 他們發現早就有警示了,

  • Called crazy or drama or too much drinking,

    只是當時沒有人了解 他們看見的是什麼。

  • his actions weren't understood to be what they really were,

    他的行為舉止被稱為瘋狂、 戲劇化,或喝太多酒,

  • which was clear signs of danger.

    沒有人了解那些 行為舉止的真正是什麼,

  • Her family realized that if anyone had been educated about these signs,

    它們其實是危險的明顯徵兆。

  • her death could have been prevented.

    她的家庭了解到,如果有人 接受過關於這些徵兆的教育,

  • So today we're on a mission to make sure

    就可以避免她的死亡。

  • that others have the information that Yeardley and her friends didn't.

    所以現今,我們的使命是要確保

  • We have three main goals:

    其他人能夠得到雅爾德莉 和她的朋友當時沒有的資訊。

  • give all of us a language for talking about a subject

    我們有三項主要目標:

  • that's quite awkward and uncomfortable to discuss;

    給大家一種語言,用來談論

  • empower a whole front line, namely friends, to help;

    很尷尬、讓人不舒服的主題;

  • and, in the process, improve all of our ability to love better.

    賦權給整個前線, 也就是朋友,來提供協助;

  • To do this, it's always important to start by illuminating

    並在過程中,改善我們所有的 能力,用更好的方式來愛。

  • the unhealthy signs that we frequently miss,

    要做到這些,很重要的是 一開始就要清楚說明

  • and our work really focuses on creating content

    我們通常會忽略的 不健康徵兆是什麼,

  • to start conversations with young people.

    而我們工作的重點放在創造內容,

  • As you'd expect, most of our content is pretty serious,

    以開始和年輕人對談。

  • given the subject at hand,

    跟你們預期的一樣, 我們的內容大多非常嚴肅,

  • but today I'm going to use one of our more light-hearted

    畢竟我們手上的題材就很硬,

  • yet still thought-provoking pieces,

    但,今天,我要用 我們比較輕鬆愉快

  • "The Couplets,"

    但仍然發人深省的作品,

  • to illuminate five markers of unhealthy love.

    《對句》,

  • The first is intensity.

    來說明不健康的愛有哪五項標誌。

  • (Video) Blue: I haven't seen you in a couple days. I've missed you.

    第一項是強烈感情。

  • Orange: I've missed you too. (#thatslove)

    (影片)藍:我幾天 沒見到你了。我很想你。

  • Blue: I haven't seen you in five minutes. It feels like a lifetime.

    橘:我也想你。(#那就是愛)

  • What have you been doing without me for five whole minutes?

    藍:我五分鐘沒見到你了。 感覺好像一輩子那麼久。

  • Orange: It's been three minutes. (#thatsnotlove)

    沒有我的這五分鐘,你在做什麼?

  • Katie Hood: Anybody recognize that? I don't know. I do.

    橘:才過了三分鐘。(#那不是愛)

  • Abusive relationships don't start out abusive.

    講者:有人認得這種 情境嗎?我就認得。

  • They start out exciting and exhilarating.

    虐待關係一開始並沒有虐待。

  • There's an intensity of affection and emotion, a rush.

    它們一開始都很讓人興奮、振奮。

  • It feels really good.

    情感和情緒的強度 都很高,大量激增。

  • You feel so lucky, like you've hit the jackpot.

    感覺非常好。

  • But in unhealthy love, these feelings shift over time

    你覺得好幸運,就像中樂透一樣。

  • from exciting to overwhelming and maybe a little bit suffocating.

    但,在不健康的愛當中, 這些感覺會隨時間轉變,

  • You feel it in your gut.

    從興奮變成難以招架, 也許還會變得有點讓人窒息。

  • Maybe it's when your new boyfriend or girlfriend

    你從骨子裡就可以感覺到。

  • says "I love you" faster than you were ready for

    也許是當你的新男友或女友

  • or starts showing up everywhere, texting and calling a lot.

    在你還沒準備好時 就說出「我愛你」,

  • Maybe they're impatient when you're slow to respond,

    或開始出現在每個你去的地方, 一天到晚傳訊息打電話。

  • even though they know you had other things going on that day.

    也許當你沒有馬上回應, 他們就會不耐煩,

  • It's important to remember that it's not how a relationship starts that matters,

    即使他們知道你那天 還有別的事要忙。

  • it's how it evolves.

    很重要的是要記住, 要緊的不是關係怎麼開始,

  • It's important in the early days of a new relationship

    而是它怎麼演變。

  • to pay attention to how you're feeling.

    很重要的是, 在一段新關係的初期,

  • Are you comfortable with the pace of intimacy?

    要多留意你的感覺如何。

  • Do you feel like you have space and room to breathe?

    你對於親密的步調感到舒服嗎?

  • It's also really important to start practicing using your voice

    你覺得你有可以呼吸的空間嗎?

  • to talk about your own needs.

    還有一點也很重要, 就是要開始練習用你的聲音

  • Are your requests respected?

    來談論你自己的需求。

  • A second marker is isolation.

    你的要求是否有被尊重?

  • (Video) Orange 2: Want to hang out?

    第二項標誌是孤立。

  • Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday.

    (影片)橘 2:想出去嗎?

  • Orange 2: Want to hang out?

    橘 1:我和我男友的星期一 總是快樂星期一。

  • Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday.

    橘 2:想出去嗎?

  • Orange 2: Tomorrow? Orange 1: It's our Tuesday Snooze Day.

    橘 1:我和我男友的星期一 總是快樂星期一。

  • Orange 2: Wednesday? Orange 1: No Friends Day.

    橘 2:明天? 橘 1:星期二是我們的打盹日。

  • KH: If you ask me, isolation is one of the most frequently missed

    橘 2:星期三? 橘 1:不和朋友交際日。

  • and misunderstood signs of unhealthy love.

    講者:我認為不健康的愛的徵兆中

  • Why?

    最常被忽略且誤解的就是孤立。

  • Because every new relationship starts out with this intense desire

    為什麼?

  • to spend time together,

    因為每一段新關係, 最初都會有這種強烈的慾望

  • it's easy to miss when something shifts.

    想花時間在一起,

  • Isolation creeps in when your new boyfriend or girlfriend

    很容易就忽略掉有轉變發生。

  • starts pulling you away from your friends and family,

    孤立偷偷潛入的時候, 就是你的新男友或女友

  • your support system,

    開始把你拉離你的朋友和家人,

  • and tethering you more tightly to them.

    即你的支助系統,

  • They might say things like,

    讓你跟新男友或女友綁得更緊。

  • "Why do you hang out with them? They're such losers"

    他們可能會說這樣的話:

  • about your best friends,

    「你為什麼跟他們混在一起? 他們盡是些魯蛇」

  • or, "They want us to break up. They're totally against us"

    來講你最好的朋友,

  • about your family.

    或「他們想要我們分手。 他們完全反對我們在一起」

  • Isolation is about sowing seeds of doubt

    來講你的家人。

  • about everyone from your prerelationship life.

    孤立的重點在於播下懷疑的種子,

  • Healthy love includes independence,

    讓你懷疑在這段關係前的 生活中的每個人。

  • two people who love spending time together

    健康的愛包含獨立性,

  • but who stay connected to the people and activities they cared about before.

    兩個人很喜歡花時間在一起,

  • While at first you might spend every waking minute together,

    但也會和他們以前 關心的人和活動保持連結。

  • over time maintaining independence is key.

    雖然一開始你們會 一天到晚黏在一起,

  • You do this by making plans with friends and sticking to them

    隨著時間過去, 保有獨立性才是關鍵。

  • and encouraging your partner to do the same.

    保有獨立性的方式是規劃 和朋友的活動,和他們在一起,

  • A third marker of unhealthy love is extreme jealousy.

    並鼓勵你的另一半也這麼做。

  • (Video) Blue 2: What are you so happy about?

    不健康的愛的第三項標誌 是極端的嫉妒。

  • Blue 1: She just started following me on Instagram!

    (影片)藍 2:你在高興什麼?

  • Blue 2: What are you so nervous about?

    藍 1:她開始在 IG 上 追蹤我了!(#那就是愛)

  • Blue 1: She, she just started following me, like, everywhere.

    藍 2:你在緊張什麼?

  • (#thatsnotlove)

    藍 1:她,她開始跟著我, 跟到任何地方。

  • KH: As the honeymoon period begins to fade,

    (#那不是愛)

  • extreme jealousy can creep in.

    講者:當蜜月期漸漸過去,

  • Your partner might become more demanding,

    極端的嫉妒可能會悄悄溜進來。

  • needing to know where you are and who you're with all the time,

    你的另一半可能會想要更多,

  • or they might start following you everywhere, online and off.

    隨時都要知道 你在哪裡、和誰在一起,

  • Extreme jealousy also brings with it possessiveness and mistrust,

    或者他們會開始到處跟著你, 線上或現實中都是。

  • frequent accusations of flirting with other people or cheating,

    極端的嫉妒也會帶著 佔有慾和不信任,

  • and refusal to listen to you when you tell them

    常指控你和他人調情或欺騙,

  • they have nothing to worry about and that you only love them.

    且當你叫他們不要擔心, 說你只愛他們時,

  • Jealousy is a part of any human relationship,

    他們會拒絕聽你說。

  • but extreme jealousy is different.

    任何人類關係中都會有嫉妒,

  • There's a threatening, desperate and angry edge to it.

    但極端的嫉妒是不同的。

  • Love shouldn't feel like this.

    它會帶著威脅性、絕望,和憤怒。

  • A fourth marker is belittling.

    愛的感覺不該是如此。

  • (Video) Blue: Wanna hang out? Orange: I gotta study.

    第四項標誌是輕視。

  • Blue: You'll get an A anyway, A for amazing. (#thatslove)

    (影片)藍:想出去嗎? 橘:我得讀書。

  • Blue: Wanna hang out? Orange: I gotta study.

    藍:反正你一定會得 A, A 代表了不起(amazing)。

  • Blue: You'll get an F anyway,

    (#那是愛)

  • F for, F for... stupid. (#thatsnotlove)

    藍:想出去嗎? 橘:我得讀書。

  • KH: Yeah, hmm.

    藍:反正你一定會得 F,

  • In unhealthy love, words are used as weapons.

    F 代表,F 代表…… 笨。(#那不是愛)

  • Conversations that used to be fun and lighthearted

    講者:是啊,嗯。

  • turn mean and embarrassing.

    在不健康的愛當中, 言語被當成武器來使用。

  • Maybe your partner makes fun of you in a way that hurts,

    以前輕鬆愉快的對談, 會變得吝嗇且讓人尷尬。

  • or maybe they tell stories and jokes for laughs at your expense.

    也許你的另一半會用 傷人的方式開你玩笑,

  • When you try to explain that your feelings have been hurt,

    或者他們會把你當笑柄 來說故事或講笑話。

  • they shut you down and accuse you of overreacting.

    當你試圖解釋你覺得很受傷時,

  • "Why are you so sensitive? What's your problem. Give me a break."

    他們不會讓你講, 且會指控你反應過度。

  • You are silenced by these words.

    「你幹嘛這麼敏感? 你有什麼毛病?你得了吧。」

  • It seems pretty obvious, but your partner should have your back.

    這些話讓你說不下去。

  • Their words should build you up, not break you down.

    這點很明顯,但還是說一下, 你的另一半應該要支持你。

  • They should keep your secrets and be loyal.

    他們說的話應該要鼓舞你, 而不是擊垮你。

  • They should make you feel more confident,

    他們應該守住秘密並保持忠誠。

  • not less.

    他們應該讓你更有信心,

  • Finally, a fifth marker: volatility.

    不是更沒信心。

  • (Video) Orange 1: I'd be sad if we broke up.

    最後,第五項標誌:反覆無常。

  • Orange 2: I'd be sad too. (#thatslove)

    (影片)橘 1:如果我們 分手,我會很傷心。

  • Orange 1: I'd so depressed if we ever broke up.

    橘 2:我也會很傷心。(#那是愛)

  • I'd throw myself off this step.

    橘 1:如果我們分手, 我會很沮喪。

  • I would! Don't try to stop me!

    我會去自殺。

  • (#thatsnotlove)

    我真的會!不要試圖阻止我!

  • KH: Frequent breakups and makeups, high highs and low lows:

    (#那不是愛)

  • as tension rises, so does volatility.

    講者:常常分手又和好, 高潮時非常高,低潮時非常低:

  • Tearful, frustrated fights followed by emotional makeups,

    隨著緊繃度提升,更是反覆無常。

  • hateful and hurtful comments like,

    哭哭啼啼讓人灰心的吵架之後, 又是情緒化的和好,

  • "You're worthless, I'm not even sure why I'm with you!"

    有恨意且傷人的評論,如

  • followed quickly by apologies and promises it will never happen again.

    「你真不值得,我甚至不知道 我為什麼跟你在一起!」

  • By this point, you've been so conditioned to this relationship roller coaster

    立即接著道歉, 並保證不會再發生。

  • that you may not realize how unhealthy and maybe even dangerous

    在這個時點,你會被這種 關係雲霄飛車給制約住,

  • your relationship has become.

    你可能不會發現你們的關係 已經變得很不健康,

  • It can be really hard to see

    甚至很危險。

  • when unhealthy love turns towards abuse,

    可能很難看出

  • but it's fair to say that the more of these markers

    不健康的愛何時轉變成虐待,

  • your relationship might have,

    但應該可以說,當你的關係 有越多這些標誌出現,

  • the more unhealthy and maybe dangerous your relationship could be.

    這段關係就變得越不健康, 可能還越危險。

  • And if your instinct is to break up and leave,

    如果你的直覺是要分手並離開,

  • which is advice so many of us give our friends

    這的確是我們發現朋友身處在 不健康的關係中時會給的建議,

  • when they're in unhealthy relationships,

    但它不見得一定是最好的建議。

  • that's not always the best advice.

    分手可能會觸發暴力。

  • Time of breakup can be a real trigger for violence.

    如果你怕你正在朝向虐待 前進或已經在被虐待,

  • If you fear you might be headed towards abuse or in abuse,

    你得尋求專家諮詢, 詢問怎麼離開才是安全的。

  • you need to consult with experts to get the advice on how to leave safely.

    但重點不只是愛情關係,

  • But it's not just about romantic relationships

    也不只是暴力。

  • and it's not just about violence.

    了解不健康的愛有什麼徵兆,

  • Understanding the signs of unhealthy love

    能協助你審視和了解 你人生中的大多數關係。

  • can help you audit and understand nearly every relationship in your life.

    這可能會是你第一次了解到 為什麼某段友誼會讓你感到失望,

  • For the first time, you might understand why you're disappointed in a friendship

    或為什麼和某位家人的所有互動

  • or why every interaction with a certain family member

    都讓你灰心、焦慮。

  • leaves you discouraged and anxious.

    你甚至可能會開始了解 你自己的強烈感情和嫉妒

  • You might even begin to see how your own intensity and jealousy

    會造成你和工作同事之間的問題。

  • is causing problems with colleagues at work.

    改善的第一步是了解,

  • Understanding is the first step to improving,

    雖然你無法把每一段 不健康的關係變健康——

  • and while you can't make every unhealthy relationship healthy --

    我們得要放棄某些關係——

  • some you're going to have to leave behind --

    你仍然可以每天做好 你能做的部分,讓關係更好。

  • you can do your part every day to do relationships better.

    有個讓人興奮的消息:

  • And here's the exciting news:

    它並沒有多困難。

  • it's actually not rocket science.

    開發的溝通、相互的尊重、

  • Open communication, mutual respect,

    仁慈、耐心——

  • kindness, patience --

    我們每天都可以練習這些。

  • we can practice these things every day.

    雖然練習一定會讓你更好,

  • And while practice will definitely make you better,

    但我也保證練習不會讓你完美。

  • I have to promise you it's also not going to make you perfect.

    這是我維生的工作,

  • I do this for a living

    每天我都在想、在談健康的關係,

  • and every day I think and talk about healthy relationships,

    而我仍然會做出不健康的事。

  • and still I do unhealthy things.

    有一天,我在試著 把我的四個孩子弄出門,

  • Just the other day as I was trying to shuttle my four kids out the door

    當時大家對於早餐 吵個不停,抱怨個不停,

  • amidst quarreling, squabbling and complaints about breakfast,

    我完全失控了。

  • I completely lost it.

    帶著刻意的怒火,

  • With an intentionally angry edge,

    我大叫:

  • I screamed,

    「大家通通閉嘴,照我說的做!

  • "Everybody just shut up and do what I say!

    你們最差勁了!

  • You are the worst!

    我要取消看電視的時間和點心,

  • I am going to take away screen time and dessert

    還有你們人生中可以 享受的所有一切事物!」

  • and anything else you could possibly ever enjoy in life!"

    (笑聲)

  • (Laughter)

    有人有過這種狀況嗎?

  • Anybody been there?

    (掌聲)

  • (Applause)

    反覆無常、輕視。

  • Volatility, belittling.

    我的長子轉身看著我,說:

  • My oldest son turned around and looked at me, and said,

    「媽,那不是愛。」

  • "Mom, that's not love."

    (笑聲)

  • (Laughter)

    他這樣批評我, 讓我在當下真想殺了他。

  • For a minute, I really wanted to kill him for calling me out.

    我是說真的。

  • Trust me.

    但,接著,我振作起來,

  • But then I gathered myself

    知道嗎,其實我很自豪。

  • and I thought, you know what, I'm actually proud.

    我很自豪他能用話語讓我暫停。

  • I'm proud that he has a language to make me pause.

    我希望我孩子都能了解

  • I want all of my kids to understand what the bar should be

    他們該如何被對待的 標準應該設在哪裡,

  • for how they're treated

    且在標準沒達到時, 他們要說話、要出聲來表達,

  • and to have a language and a voice to use when that bar is not met

    而不只是接受那個狀況。

  • versus just accepting it.

    我們長久以來認為 關係是個軟性的主題,

  • For too long, we've treated relationships as a soft topic,

    其實關係技巧是人生中

  • when relationship skills are one of the most important

    最重要也最難建立的技巧之一。

  • and hard to build things in life.

    了解不健康的徵兆不僅可以

  • Not only can understanding unhealthy signs

    協助你避開可能會導致 不健康的愛的那些情況,