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So when you think about a child, a close friend, or a romantic partner,
譯者: Lilian Chiu 審譯者: Helen Chang
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the word "love" probably comes to mind,
當你想到孩子、 親密好友,或伴侶時,
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and instantly other emotions rush in:
腦中可能會浮現「愛」這個字,
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joy and hope,
其他的情緒也馬上隨之而來:
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excitement, trust and security,
喜悅和希望,
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and yes, sometimes sadness and disappointment.
興奮、信任,和安全感,
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There might not be a word in the dictionary
是的,有時還有悲傷和失望。
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that more of us are connected to than love.
在字典中可能沒有其他的字詞
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Yet, given its central importance in our lives,
比「愛」能讓更多人有所連結。
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isn't it interesting that we're never explicitly taught how to love?
但,雖然愛在我們的生命中 有這麼高的重要性,
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We build friendships,
我們卻從來沒有被明確教導過 要如何去愛,這不是很有趣嗎?
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navigate early romantic relationships,
我們建立友誼,
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get married and bring babies home from the hospital
在早期的愛情關係當中探索,
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with the expectation that we'll figure it out.
結婚成家,把小孩從醫院帶回家,
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But the truth is, we often harm and disrespect the ones we love.
期望我們能夠想通愛是什麼。
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It can be subtle things
但,真相是,我們通常會傷害、 不尊重我們所愛的人。
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like guilting a friend into spending time with you
有可能是小事,
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or sneaking a peak at your partner's texts
比如利用罪惡感 讓朋友花時間陪伴你,
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or shaming a child for their lack of effort at school.
或偷看伴侶的訊息,
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100 percent of us will be on the receiving end
或因為孩子在學校 不夠努力就羞辱他。
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of unhealthy relationship behaviors
我們所有人都會接收到
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and 100 percent of us will do unhealthy things.
不健康的關係的行為,
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It's part of being human.
我們所有人也都會 做出不健康的事。
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In its worst form, the harm we inflict on loved ones
這是身為人的一部分。
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shows up as abuse and violence,
我們對於我們所愛的人 施加的傷害,最糟糕的形式
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and relationship abuse
就是虐待和暴力,
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is something that one in three women and one in four men
關係中的虐待很常見,
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will experience in their lifetime.
三分之一的女性和四分之一的男性
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Now, if you're like most people, when you hear those stats,
在一生中都會經歷到。
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you'll go, "Oh, no, no, no, that would never happen to me."
如果你和大部分人一樣, 當你聽到那些統計數字時,
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It's instinctual to move away from the words "abuse" and "violence,"
你會說:「喔,不,不, 那不會發生在我身上。」
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to think that they happen to someone else somewhere else.
我們的本能是會遠離 「虐待」和「暴力」這些詞,
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But the truth is, unhealthy relationships and abuse are all around us.
認為那只會發生在其他地方, 發生在別人身上。
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We just call them different things and ignore the connection.
但,真相是,我們身邊處處 都是不健康的關係和虐待。
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Abuse sneaks up on us disguised in unhealthy love.
我們只是給了它們不同的稱呼, 並忽略它們的關聯性。
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I work for an organization called One Love
虐待會偽裝成 不健康的愛來偷襲我們。
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started by a family whose daughter Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend.
我為「One Love」這個組織工作,
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This was a tragedy no one saw coming,
創辦這個組織的家庭,他們的女兒 雅爾德莉被前男友殺害。
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but when they looked back, they realized the warning signs were there
沒有人預料到會發生這種悲劇,
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just no one understood what they were seeing.
但當他們回頭看時, 他們發現早就有警示了,
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Called crazy or drama or too much drinking,
只是當時沒有人了解 他們看見的是什麼。
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his actions weren't understood to be what they really were,
他的行為舉止被稱為瘋狂、 戲劇化,或喝太多酒,
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which was clear signs of danger.
沒有人了解那些 行為舉止的真正是什麼,
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Her family realized that if anyone had been educated about these signs,
它們其實是危險的明顯徵兆。
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her death could have been prevented.
她的家庭了解到,如果有人 接受過關於這些徵兆的教育,
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So today we're on a mission to make sure
就可以避免她的死亡。
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that others have the information that Yeardley and her friends didn't.
所以現今,我們的使命是要確保
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We have three main goals:
其他人能夠得到雅爾德莉 和她的朋友當時沒有的資訊。
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give all of us a language for talking about a subject
我們有三項主要目標:
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that's quite awkward and uncomfortable to discuss;
給大家一種語言,用來談論
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empower a whole front line, namely friends, to help;
很尷尬、讓人不舒服的主題;
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and, in the process, improve all of our ability to love better.
賦權給整個前線, 也就是朋友,來提供協助;
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To do this, it's always important to start by illuminating
並在過程中,改善我們所有的 能力,用更好的方式來愛。
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the unhealthy signs that we frequently miss,
要做到這些,很重要的是 一開始就要清楚說明
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and our work really focuses on creating content
我們通常會忽略的 不健康徵兆是什麼,
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to start conversations with young people.
而我們工作的重點放在創造內容,
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As you'd expect, most of our content is pretty serious,
以開始和年輕人對談。
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given the subject at hand,
跟你們預期的一樣, 我們的內容大多非常嚴肅,
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but today I'm going to use one of our more light-hearted
畢竟我們手上的題材就很硬,
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yet still thought-provoking pieces,
但,今天,我要用 我們比較輕鬆愉快
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"The Couplets,"
但仍然發人深省的作品,
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to illuminate five markers of unhealthy love.
《對句》,
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The first is intensity.
來說明不健康的愛有哪五項標誌。
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(Video) Blue: I haven't seen you in a couple days. I've missed you.
第一項是強烈感情。
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Orange: I've missed you too. (#thatslove)
(影片)藍:我幾天 沒見到你了。我很想你。
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Blue: I haven't seen you in five minutes. It feels like a lifetime.
橘:我也想你。(#那就是愛)
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What have you been doing without me for five whole minutes?
藍:我五分鐘沒見到你了。 感覺好像一輩子那麼久。
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Orange: It's been three minutes. (#thatsnotlove)
沒有我的這五分鐘,你在做什麼?
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Katie Hood: Anybody recognize that? I don't know. I do.
橘:才過了三分鐘。(#那不是愛)
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Abusive relationships don't start out abusive.
講者:有人認得這種 情境嗎?我就認得。
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They start out exciting and exhilarating.
虐待關係一開始並沒有虐待。
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There's an intensity of affection and emotion, a rush.
它們一開始都很讓人興奮、振奮。
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It feels really good.
情感和情緒的強度 都很高,大量激增。
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You feel so lucky, like you've hit the jackpot.
感覺非常好。
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But in unhealthy love, these feelings shift over time
你覺得好幸運,就像中樂透一樣。
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from exciting to overwhelming and maybe a little bit suffocating.
但,在不健康的愛當中, 這些感覺會隨時間轉變,
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You feel it in your gut.
從興奮變成難以招架, 也許還會變得有點讓人窒息。
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Maybe it's when your new boyfriend or girlfriend
你從骨子裡就可以感覺到。
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says "I love you" faster than you were ready for
也許是當你的新男友或女友
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or starts showing up everywhere, texting and calling a lot.
在你還沒準備好時 就說出「我愛你」,
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Maybe they're impatient when you're slow to respond,
或開始出現在每個你去的地方, 一天到晚傳訊息打電話。
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even though they know you had other things going on that day.
也許當你沒有馬上回應, 他們就會不耐煩,
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It's important to remember that it's not how a relationship starts that matters,
即使他們知道你那天 還有別的事要忙。
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it's how it evolves.
很重要的是要記住, 要緊的不是關係怎麼開始,
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It's important in the early days of a new relationship
而是它怎麼演變。
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to pay attention to how you're feeling.
很重要的是, 在一段新關係的初期,
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Are you comfortable with the pace of intimacy?
要多留意你的感覺如何。
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Do you feel like you have space and room to breathe?
你對於親密的步調感到舒服嗎?
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It's also really important to start practicing using your voice
你覺得你有可以呼吸的空間嗎?
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to talk about your own needs.
還有一點也很重要, 就是要開始練習用你的聲音
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Are your requests respected?
來談論你自己的需求。
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A second marker is isolation.
你的要求是否有被尊重?
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(Video) Orange 2: Want to hang out?
第二項標誌是孤立。
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Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday.
(影片)橘 2:想出去嗎?
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Orange 2: Want to hang out?
橘 1:我和我男友的星期一 總是快樂星期一。
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Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday.
橘 2:想出去嗎?
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Orange 2: Tomorrow? Orange 1: It's our Tuesday Snooze Day.
橘 1:我和我男友的星期一 總是快樂星期一。
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Orange 2: Wednesday? Orange 1: No Friends Day.
橘 2:明天? 橘 1:星期二是我們的打盹日。
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KH: If you ask me, isolation is one of the most frequently missed
橘 2:星期三? 橘 1:不和朋友交際日。
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and misunderstood signs of unhealthy love.
講者:我認為不健康的愛的徵兆中
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Why?
最常被忽略且誤解的就是孤立。
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Because every new relationship starts out with this intense desire
為什麼?
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to spend time together,
因為每一段新關係, 最初都會有這種強烈的慾望
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it's easy to miss when something shifts.
想花時間在一起,
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Isolation creeps in when your new boyfriend or girlfriend
很容易就忽略掉有轉變發生。
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starts pulling you away from your friends and family,
孤立偷偷潛入的時候, 就是你的新男友或女友
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your support system,
開始把你拉離你的朋友和家人,
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and tethering you more tightly to them.
即你的支助系統,
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They might say things like,
讓你跟新男友或女友綁得更緊。
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"Why do you hang out with them? They're such losers"
他們可能會說這樣的話:
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about your best friends,
「你為什麼跟他們混在一起? 他們盡是些魯蛇」
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or, "They want us to break up. They're totally against us"
來講你最好的朋友,
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about your family.
或「他們想要我們分手。 他們完全反對我們在一起」
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Isolation is about sowing seeds of doubt
來講你的家人。
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about everyone from your prerelationship life.
孤立的重點在於播下懷疑的種子,
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Healthy love includes independence,
讓你懷疑在這段關係前的 生活中的每個人。
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two people who love spending time together
健康的愛包含獨立性,
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but who stay connected to the people and activities they cared about before.
兩個人很喜歡花時間在一起,
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While at first you might spend every waking minute together,
但也會和他們以前 關心的人和活動保持連結。
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over time maintaining independence is key.
雖然一開始你們會 一天到晚黏在一起,
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You do this by making plans with friends and sticking to them
隨著時間過去, 保有獨立性才是關鍵。
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and encouraging your partner to do the same.
保有獨立性的方式是規劃 和朋友的活動,和他們在一起,
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A third marker of unhealthy love is extreme jealousy.
並鼓勵你的另一半也這麼做。
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(Video) Blue 2: What are you so happy about?
不健康的愛的第三項標誌 是極端的嫉妒。
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Blue 1: She just started following me on Instagram!
(影片)藍 2:你在高興什麼?
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Blue 2: What are you so nervous about?
藍 1:她開始在 IG 上 追蹤我了!(#那就是愛)
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Blue 1: She, she just started following me, like, everywhere.
藍 2:你在緊張什麼?
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(#thatsnotlove)
藍 1:她,她開始跟著我, 跟到任何地方。
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KH: As the honeymoon period begins to fade,
(#那不是愛)
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extreme jealousy can creep in.
講者:當蜜月期漸漸過去,
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Your partner might become more demanding,
極端的嫉妒可能會悄悄溜進來。
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needing to know where you are and who you're with all the time,
你的另一半可能會想要更多,
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or they might start following you everywhere, online and off.
隨時都要知道 你在哪裡、和誰在一起,
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Extreme jealousy also brings with it possessiveness and mistrust,
或者他們會開始到處跟著你, 線上或現實中都是。
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frequent accusations of flirting with other people or cheating,
極端的嫉妒也會帶著 佔有慾和不信任,
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and refusal to listen to you when you tell them
常指控你和他人調情或欺騙,
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they have nothing to worry about and that you only love them.
且當你叫他們不要擔心, 說你只愛他們時,
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Jealousy is a part of any human relationship,
他們會拒絕聽你說。
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but extreme jealousy is different.
任何人類關係中都會有嫉妒,
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There's a threatening, desperate and angry edge to it.
但極端的嫉妒是不同的。
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Love shouldn't feel like this.
它會帶著威脅性、絕望,和憤怒。
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A fourth marker is belittling.
愛的感覺不該是如此。
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(Video) Blue: Wanna hang out? Orange: I gotta study.
第四項標誌是輕視。
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Blue: You'll get an A anyway, A for amazing. (#thatslove)
(影片)藍:想出去嗎? 橘:我得讀書。
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Blue: Wanna hang out? Orange: I gotta study.
藍:反正你一定會得 A, A 代表了不起(amazing)。
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Blue: You'll get an F anyway,
(#那是愛)
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F for, F for... stupid. (#thatsnotlove)
藍:想出去嗎? 橘:我得讀書。
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KH: Yeah, hmm.
藍:反正你一定會得 F,
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In unhealthy love, words are used as weapons.
F 代表,F 代表…… 笨。(#那不是愛)
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Conversations that used to be fun and lighthearted
講者:是啊,嗯。
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turn mean and embarrassing.
在不健康的愛當中, 言語被當成武器來使用。
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Maybe your partner makes fun of you in a way that hurts,
以前輕鬆愉快的對談, 會變得吝嗇且讓人尷尬。
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or maybe they tell stories and jokes for laughs at your expense.
也許你的另一半會用 傷人的方式開你玩笑,
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When you try to explain that your feelings have been hurt,
或者他們會把你當笑柄 來說故事或講笑話。
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they shut you down and accuse you of overreacting.
當你試圖解釋你覺得很受傷時,
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"Why are you so sensitive? What's your problem. Give me a break."
他們不會讓你講, 且會指控你反應過度。
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You are silenced by these words.
「你幹嘛這麼敏感? 你有什麼毛病?你得了吧。」
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It seems pretty obvious, but your partner should have your back.
這些話讓你說不下去。
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Their words should build you up, not break you down.
這點很明顯,但還是說一下, 你的另一半應該要支持你。
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They should keep your secrets and be loyal.
他們說的話應該要鼓舞你, 而不是擊垮你。
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They should make you feel more confident,
他們應該守住秘密並保持忠誠。
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not less.
他們應該讓你更有信心,
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Finally, a fifth marker: volatility.
不是更沒信心。
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(Video) Orange 1: I'd be sad if we broke up.
最後,第五項標誌:反覆無常。
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Orange 2: I'd be sad too. (#thatslove)
(影片)橘 1:如果我們 分手,我會很傷心。
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Orange 1: I'd so depressed if we ever broke up.
橘 2:我也會很傷心。(#那是愛)
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I'd throw myself off this step.
橘 1:如果我們分手, 我會很沮喪。
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I would! Don't try to stop me!
我會去自殺。
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(#thatsnotlove)
我真的會!不要試圖阻止我!
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KH: Frequent breakups and makeups, high highs and low lows:
(#那不是愛)
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as tension rises, so does volatility.
講者:常常分手又和好, 高潮時非常高,低潮時非常低:
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Tearful, frustrated fights followed by emotional makeups,
隨著緊繃度提升,更是反覆無常。
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hateful and hurtful comments like,
哭哭啼啼讓人灰心的吵架之後, 又是情緒化的和好,
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"You're worthless, I'm not even sure why I'm with you!"
有恨意且傷人的評論,如
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followed quickly by apologies and promises it will never happen again.
「你真不值得,我甚至不知道 我為什麼跟你在一起!」
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By this point, you've been so conditioned to this relationship roller coaster
立即接著道歉, 並保證不會再發生。
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that you may not realize how unhealthy and maybe even dangerous
在這個時點,你會被這種 關係雲霄飛車給制約住,
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your relationship has become.
你可能不會發現你們的關係 已經變得很不健康,
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It can be really hard to see
甚至很危險。
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when unhealthy love turns towards abuse,
可能很難看出
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but it's fair to say that the more of these markers
不健康的愛何時轉變成虐待,
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your relationship might have,
但應該可以說,當你的關係 有越多這些標誌出現,
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the more unhealthy and maybe dangerous your relationship could be.
這段關係就變得越不健康, 可能還越危險。
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And if your instinct is to break up and leave,
如果你的直覺是要分手並離開,
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which is advice so many of us give our friends
這的確是我們發現朋友身處在 不健康的關係中時會給的建議,
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when they're in unhealthy relationships,
但它不見得一定是最好的建議。
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that's not always the best advice.
分手可能會觸發暴力。
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Time of breakup can be a real trigger for violence.
如果你怕你正在朝向虐待 前進或已經在被虐待,
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If you fear you might be headed towards abuse or in abuse,
你得尋求專家諮詢, 詢問怎麼離開才是安全的。
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you need to consult with experts to get the advice on how to leave safely.
但重點不只是愛情關係,
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But it's not just about romantic relationships
也不只是暴力。
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and it's not just about violence.
了解不健康的愛有什麼徵兆,
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Understanding the signs of unhealthy love
能協助你審視和了解 你人生中的大多數關係。
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can help you audit and understand nearly every relationship in your life.
這可能會是你第一次了解到 為什麼某段友誼會讓你感到失望,
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For the first time, you might understand why you're disappointed in a friendship
或為什麼和某位家人的所有互動
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or why every interaction with a certain family member
都讓你灰心、焦慮。
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leaves you discouraged and anxious.
你甚至可能會開始了解 你自己的強烈感情和嫉妒
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You might even begin to see how your own intensity and jealousy
會造成你和工作同事之間的問題。
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is causing problems with colleagues at work.
改善的第一步是了解,
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Understanding is the first step to improving,
雖然你無法把每一段 不健康的關係變健康——
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and while you can't make every unhealthy relationship healthy --
我們得要放棄某些關係——
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some you're going to have to leave behind --
你仍然可以每天做好 你能做的部分,讓關係更好。
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you can do your part every day to do relationships better.
有個讓人興奮的消息:
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And here's the exciting news:
它並沒有多困難。
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it's actually not rocket science.
開發的溝通、相互的尊重、
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Open communication, mutual respect,
仁慈、耐心——
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kindness, patience --
我們每天都可以練習這些。
-
we can practice these things every day.
雖然練習一定會讓你更好,
-
And while practice will definitely make you better,
但我也保證練習不會讓你完美。
-
I have to promise you it's also not going to make you perfect.
這是我維生的工作,
-
I do this for a living
每天我都在想、在談健康的關係,
-
and every day I think and talk about healthy relationships,
而我仍然會做出不健康的事。
-
and still I do unhealthy things.
有一天,我在試著 把我的四個孩子弄出門,
-
Just the other day as I was trying to shuttle my four kids out the door
當時大家對於早餐 吵個不停,抱怨個不停,
-
amidst quarreling, squabbling and complaints about breakfast,
我完全失控了。
-
I completely lost it.
帶著刻意的怒火,
-
With an intentionally angry edge,
我大叫:
-
I screamed,
「大家通通閉嘴,照我說的做!
-
"Everybody just shut up and do what I say!
你們最差勁了!
-
You are the worst!
我要取消看電視的時間和點心,
-
I am going to take away screen time and dessert
還有你們人生中可以 享受的所有一切事物!」
-
and anything else you could possibly ever enjoy in life!"
(笑聲)
-
(Laughter)
有人有過這種狀況嗎?
-
Anybody been there?
(掌聲)
-
(Applause)
反覆無常、輕視。
-
Volatility, belittling.
我的長子轉身看著我,說:
-
My oldest son turned around and looked at me, and said,
「媽,那不是愛。」
-
"Mom, that's not love."
(笑聲)
-
(Laughter)
他這樣批評我, 讓我在當下真想殺了他。
-
For a minute, I really wanted to kill him for calling me out.
我是說真的。
-
Trust me.
但,接著,我振作起來,
-
But then I gathered myself
知道嗎,其實我很自豪。
-
and I thought, you know what, I'm actually proud.
我很自豪他能用話語讓我暫停。
-
I'm proud that he has a language to make me pause.
我希望我孩子都能了解
-
I want all of my kids to understand what the bar should be
他們該如何被對待的 標準應該設在哪裡,
-
for how they're treated
且在標準沒達到時, 他們要說話、要出聲來表達,
-
and to have a language and a voice to use when that bar is not met
而不只是接受那個狀況。
-
versus just accepting it.
我們長久以來認為 關係是個軟性的主題,
-
For too long, we've treated relationships as a soft topic,
其實關係技巧是人生中
-
when relationship skills are one of the most important
最重要也最難建立的技巧之一。
-
and hard to build things in life.
了解不健康的徵兆不僅可以
-
Not only can understanding unhealthy signs
協助你避開可能會導致 不健康的愛的那些情況,