the word "love" probably comes to mind,

當你想到孩子、 親密好友，或伴侶時，

and instantly other emotions rush in:

腦中可能會浮現「愛」這個字，

joy and hope,

其他的情緒也馬上隨之而來：

excitement, trust and security,

喜悅和希望，

and yes, sometimes sadness and disappointment.

興奮、信任，和安全感，

There might not be a word in the dictionary

是的，有時還有悲傷和失望。

that more of us are connected to than love.

在字典中可能沒有其他的字詞

Yet, given its central importance in our lives,

比「愛」能讓更多人有所連結。

isn't it interesting that we're never explicitly taught how to love?

但，雖然愛在我們的生命中 有這麼高的重要性，

We build friendships,

我們卻從來沒有被明確教導過 要如何去愛，這不是很有趣嗎？

navigate early romantic relationships,

我們建立友誼，

get married and bring babies home from the hospital

在早期的愛情關係當中探索，

with the expectation that we'll figure it out.

結婚成家，把小孩從醫院帶回家，

But the truth is, we often harm and disrespect the ones we love.

期望我們能夠想通愛是什麼。

It can be subtle things

但，真相是，我們通常會傷害、 不尊重我們所愛的人。

like guilting a friend into spending time with you

有可能是小事，

or sneaking a peak at your partner's texts

比如利用罪惡感 讓朋友花時間陪伴你，

or shaming a child for their lack of effort at school.

或偷看伴侶的訊息，

100 percent of us will be on the receiving end

或因為孩子在學校 不夠努力就羞辱他。

of unhealthy relationship behaviors

我們所有人都會接收到

and 100 percent of us will do unhealthy things.

不健康的關係的行為，

It's part of being human.

我們所有人也都會 做出不健康的事。

In its worst form, the harm we inflict on loved ones

這是身為人的一部分。

shows up as abuse and violence,

我們對於我們所愛的人 施加的傷害，最糟糕的形式

and relationship abuse

就是虐待和暴力，

is something that one in three women and one in four men

關係中的虐待很常見，

will experience in their lifetime.

三分之一的女性和四分之一的男性

Now, if you're like most people, when you hear those stats,

在一生中都會經歷到。

you'll go, "Oh, no, no, no, that would never happen to me."

如果你和大部分人一樣， 當你聽到那些統計數字時，

It's instinctual to move away from the words "abuse" and "violence,"

你會說：「喔，不，不， 那不會發生在我身上。」

to think that they happen to someone else somewhere else.

我們的本能是會遠離 「虐待」和「暴力」這些詞，

But the truth is, unhealthy relationships and abuse are all around us.

認為那只會發生在其他地方， 發生在別人身上。

We just call them different things and ignore the connection.

但，真相是，我們身邊處處 都是不健康的關係和虐待。

Abuse sneaks up on us disguised in unhealthy love.

我們只是給了它們不同的稱呼， 並忽略它們的關聯性。

I work for an organization called One Love

虐待會偽裝成 不健康的愛來偷襲我們。

started by a family whose daughter Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend.

我為「One Love」這個組織工作，

This was a tragedy no one saw coming,

創辦這個組織的家庭，他們的女兒 雅爾德莉被前男友殺害。

but when they looked back, they realized the warning signs were there

沒有人預料到會發生這種悲劇，

just no one understood what they were seeing.

但當他們回頭看時， 他們發現早就有警示了，

Called crazy or drama or too much drinking,

只是當時沒有人了解 他們看見的是什麼。

his actions weren't understood to be what they really were,

他的行為舉止被稱為瘋狂、 戲劇化，或喝太多酒，

which was clear signs of danger.

沒有人了解那些 行為舉止的真正是什麼，

Her family realized that if anyone had been educated about these signs,

它們其實是危險的明顯徵兆。

her death could have been prevented.

她的家庭了解到，如果有人 接受過關於這些徵兆的教育，

So today we're on a mission to make sure

就可以避免她的死亡。

that others have the information that Yeardley and her friends didn't.

所以現今，我們的使命是要確保

We have three main goals:

其他人能夠得到雅爾德莉 和她的朋友當時沒有的資訊。

give all of us a language for talking about a subject

我們有三項主要目標：

that's quite awkward and uncomfortable to discuss;

給大家一種語言，用來談論

empower a whole front line, namely friends, to help;

很尷尬、讓人不舒服的主題；

and, in the process, improve all of our ability to love better.

賦權給整個前線， 也就是朋友，來提供協助；

To do this, it's always important to start by illuminating

並在過程中，改善我們所有的 能力，用更好的方式來愛。

the unhealthy signs that we frequently miss,

要做到這些，很重要的是 一開始就要清楚說明

and our work really focuses on creating content

我們通常會忽略的 不健康徵兆是什麼，

to start conversations with young people.

而我們工作的重點放在創造內容，

As you'd expect, most of our content is pretty serious,

以開始和年輕人對談。

given the subject at hand,

跟你們預期的一樣， 我們的內容大多非常嚴肅，

but today I'm going to use one of our more light-hearted

畢竟我們手上的題材就很硬，

yet still thought-provoking pieces,

但，今天，我要用 我們比較輕鬆愉快

"The Couplets,"

但仍然發人深省的作品，

to illuminate five markers of unhealthy love.

《對句》，

The first is intensity.

來說明不健康的愛有哪五項標誌。

(Video) Blue: I haven't seen you in a couple days. I've missed you.

第一項是強烈感情。

Orange: I've missed you too. (#thatslove)

（影片）藍：我幾天 沒見到你了。我很想你。

Blue: I haven't seen you in five minutes. It feels like a lifetime.

橘：我也想你。（#那就是愛）

What have you been doing without me for five whole minutes?

藍：我五分鐘沒見到你了。 感覺好像一輩子那麼久。

Orange: It's been three minutes. (#thatsnotlove)

沒有我的這五分鐘，你在做什麼？

Katie Hood: Anybody recognize that? I don't know. I do.

橘：才過了三分鐘。（#那不是愛）

Abusive relationships don't start out abusive.

講者：有人認得這種 情境嗎？我就認得。

They start out exciting and exhilarating.

虐待關係一開始並沒有虐待。

There's an intensity of affection and emotion, a rush.

它們一開始都很讓人興奮、振奮。

It feels really good.

情感和情緒的強度 都很高，大量激增。

You feel so lucky, like you've hit the jackpot.

感覺非常好。

But in unhealthy love, these feelings shift over time

你覺得好幸運，就像中樂透一樣。

from exciting to overwhelming and maybe a little bit suffocating.

但，在不健康的愛當中， 這些感覺會隨時間轉變，

You feel it in your gut.

從興奮變成難以招架， 也許還會變得有點讓人窒息。

Maybe it's when your new boyfriend or girlfriend

你從骨子裡就可以感覺到。

says "I love you" faster than you were ready for

也許是當你的新男友或女友

or starts showing up everywhere, texting and calling a lot.

在你還沒準備好時 就說出「我愛你」，

Maybe they're impatient when you're slow to respond,

或開始出現在每個你去的地方， 一天到晚傳訊息打電話。

even though they know you had other things going on that day.

也許當你沒有馬上回應， 他們就會不耐煩，

It's important to remember that it's not how a relationship starts that matters,

即使他們知道你那天 還有別的事要忙。

it's how it evolves.

很重要的是要記住， 要緊的不是關係怎麼開始，

It's important in the early days of a new relationship

而是它怎麼演變。

to pay attention to how you're feeling.

很重要的是， 在一段新關係的初期，

Are you comfortable with the pace of intimacy?

要多留意你的感覺如何。

Do you feel like you have space and room to breathe?

你對於親密的步調感到舒服嗎？

It's also really important to start practicing using your voice

你覺得你有可以呼吸的空間嗎？

to talk about your own needs.

還有一點也很重要， 就是要開始練習用你的聲音

Are your requests respected?

來談論你自己的需求。

A second marker is isolation.

你的要求是否有被尊重？

(Video) Orange 2: Want to hang out?

第二項標誌是孤立。

Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday.

（影片）橘 2：想出去嗎？

Orange 2: Want to hang out?

橘 1：我和我男友的星期一 總是快樂星期一。

Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend always have Monday Funday.

橘 2：想出去嗎？

Orange 2: Tomorrow? Orange 1: It's our Tuesday Snooze Day.

橘 1：我和我男友的星期一 總是快樂星期一。

Orange 2: Wednesday? Orange 1: No Friends Day.

橘 2：明天？ 橘 1：星期二是我們的打盹日。

KH: If you ask me, isolation is one of the most frequently missed

橘 2：星期三？ 橘 1：不和朋友交際日。

and misunderstood signs of unhealthy love.

講者：我認為不健康的愛的徵兆中

Why?

最常被忽略且誤解的就是孤立。

Because every new relationship starts out with this intense desire

為什麼？

to spend time together,

因為每一段新關係， 最初都會有這種強烈的慾望

it's easy to miss when something shifts.

想花時間在一起，

Isolation creeps in when your new boyfriend or girlfriend

很容易就忽略掉有轉變發生。

starts pulling you away from your friends and family,

孤立偷偷潛入的時候， 就是你的新男友或女友

your support system,

開始把你拉離你的朋友和家人，

and tethering you more tightly to them.

即你的支助系統，

They might say things like,

讓你跟新男友或女友綁得更緊。

"Why do you hang out with them? They're such losers"

他們可能會說這樣的話：

about your best friends,

「你為什麼跟他們混在一起？ 他們盡是些魯蛇」

or, "They want us to break up. They're totally against us"

來講你最好的朋友，

about your family.

或「他們想要我們分手。 他們完全反對我們在一起」

Isolation is about sowing seeds of doubt

來講你的家人。

about everyone from your prerelationship life.

孤立的重點在於播下懷疑的種子，

Healthy love includes independence,

讓你懷疑在這段關係前的 生活中的每個人。

two people who love spending time together

健康的愛包含獨立性，

but who stay connected to the people and activities they cared about before.

兩個人很喜歡花時間在一起，

While at first you might spend every waking minute together,

但也會和他們以前 關心的人和活動保持連結。

over time maintaining independence is key.

雖然一開始你們會 一天到晚黏在一起，

You do this by making plans with friends and sticking to them

隨著時間過去， 保有獨立性才是關鍵。

and encouraging your partner to do the same.

保有獨立性的方式是規劃 和朋友的活動，和他們在一起，

A third marker of unhealthy love is extreme jealousy.

並鼓勵你的另一半也這麼做。

(Video) Blue 2: What are you so happy about?

不健康的愛的第三項標誌 是極端的嫉妒。

Blue 1: She just started following me on Instagram!

（影片）藍 2：你在高興什麼？

Blue 2: What are you so nervous about?

藍 1：她開始在 IG 上 追蹤我了！（#那就是愛）

Blue 1: She, she just started following me, like, everywhere.

藍 2：你在緊張什麼？

(#thatsnotlove)

藍 1：她，她開始跟著我， 跟到任何地方。

KH: As the honeymoon period begins to fade,

（#那不是愛）

extreme jealousy can creep in.

講者：當蜜月期漸漸過去，

Your partner might become more demanding,

極端的嫉妒可能會悄悄溜進來。

needing to know where you are and who you're with all the time,

你的另一半可能會想要更多，

or they might start following you everywhere, online and off.

隨時都要知道 你在哪裡、和誰在一起，

Extreme jealousy also brings with it possessiveness and mistrust,

或者他們會開始到處跟著你， 線上或現實中都是。

frequent accusations of flirting with other people or cheating,

極端的嫉妒也會帶著 佔有慾和不信任，

and refusal to listen to you when you tell them

常指控你和他人調情或欺騙，

they have nothing to worry about and that you only love them.

且當你叫他們不要擔心， 說你只愛他們時，

Jealousy is a part of any human relationship,

他們會拒絕聽你說。

but extreme jealousy is different.

任何人類關係中都會有嫉妒，

There's a threatening, desperate and angry edge to it.

但極端的嫉妒是不同的。

Love shouldn't feel like this.

它會帶著威脅性、絕望，和憤怒。

A fourth marker is belittling.

愛的感覺不該是如此。

(Video) Blue: Wanna hang out? Orange: I gotta study.

第四項標誌是輕視。

Blue: You'll get an A anyway, A for amazing. (#thatslove)

（影片）藍：想出去嗎？ 橘：我得讀書。

Blue: Wanna hang out? Orange: I gotta study.

藍：反正你一定會得 A， A 代表了不起（amazing）。

Blue: You'll get an F anyway,

（#那是愛）

F for, F for... stupid. (#thatsnotlove)

藍：想出去嗎？ 橘：我得讀書。

KH: Yeah, hmm.

藍：反正你一定會得 F，

In unhealthy love, words are used as weapons.

F 代表，F 代表…… 笨。（#那不是愛）

Conversations that used to be fun and lighthearted

講者：是啊，嗯。

turn mean and embarrassing.

在不健康的愛當中， 言語被當成武器來使用。

Maybe your partner makes fun of you in a way that hurts,

以前輕鬆愉快的對談， 會變得吝嗇且讓人尷尬。

or maybe they tell stories and jokes for laughs at your expense.

也許你的另一半會用 傷人的方式開你玩笑，

When you try to explain that your feelings have been hurt,

或者他們會把你當笑柄 來說故事或講笑話。

they shut you down and accuse you of overreacting.

當你試圖解釋你覺得很受傷時，

"Why are you so sensitive? What's your problem. Give me a break."

他們不會讓你講， 且會指控你反應過度。

You are silenced by these words.

「你幹嘛這麼敏感？ 你有什麼毛病？你得了吧。」

It seems pretty obvious, but your partner should have your back.

這些話讓你說不下去。

Their words should build you up, not break you down.

這點很明顯，但還是說一下， 你的另一半應該要支持你。

They should keep your secrets and be loyal.

他們說的話應該要鼓舞你， 而不是擊垮你。

They should make you feel more confident,

他們應該守住秘密並保持忠誠。

not less.

他們應該讓你更有信心，

Finally, a fifth marker: volatility.

不是更沒信心。

(Video) Orange 1: I'd be sad if we broke up.

最後，第五項標誌：反覆無常。

Orange 2: I'd be sad too. (#thatslove)

（影片）橘 1：如果我們 分手，我會很傷心。

Orange 1: I'd so depressed if we ever broke up.

橘 2：我也會很傷心。（#那是愛）

I'd throw myself off this step.

橘 1：如果我們分手， 我會很沮喪。

I would! Don't try to stop me!

我會去自殺。

(#thatsnotlove)

我真的會！不要試圖阻止我！

KH: Frequent breakups and makeups, high highs and low lows:

（#那不是愛）

as tension rises, so does volatility.

講者：常常分手又和好， 高潮時非常高，低潮時非常低：

Tearful, frustrated fights followed by emotional makeups,

隨著緊繃度提升，更是反覆無常。

hateful and hurtful comments like,

哭哭啼啼讓人灰心的吵架之後， 又是情緒化的和好，

"You're worthless, I'm not even sure why I'm with you!"

有恨意且傷人的評論，如

followed quickly by apologies and promises it will never happen again.

「你真不值得，我甚至不知道 我為什麼跟你在一起！」

By this point, you've been so conditioned to this relationship roller coaster

立即接著道歉， 並保證不會再發生。

that you may not realize how unhealthy and maybe even dangerous

在這個時點，你會被這種 關係雲霄飛車給制約住，

your relationship has become.

你可能不會發現你們的關係 已經變得很不健康，

It can be really hard to see

甚至很危險。

when unhealthy love turns towards abuse,

可能很難看出

but it's fair to say that the more of these markers

不健康的愛何時轉變成虐待，

your relationship might have,

但應該可以說，當你的關係 有越多這些標誌出現，

the more unhealthy and maybe dangerous your relationship could be.

這段關係就變得越不健康， 可能還越危險。

And if your instinct is to break up and leave,

如果你的直覺是要分手並離開，

which is advice so many of us give our friends

這的確是我們發現朋友身處在 不健康的關係中時會給的建議，

when they're in unhealthy relationships,

但它不見得一定是最好的建議。

that's not always the best advice.

分手可能會觸發暴力。

Time of breakup can be a real trigger for violence.

如果你怕你正在朝向虐待 前進或已經在被虐待，

If you fear you might be headed towards abuse or in abuse,

你得尋求專家諮詢， 詢問怎麼離開才是安全的。

you need to consult with experts to get the advice on how to leave safely.

但重點不只是愛情關係，

But it's not just about romantic relationships

也不只是暴力。

and it's not just about violence.

了解不健康的愛有什麼徵兆，

Understanding the signs of unhealthy love

能協助你審視和了解 你人生中的大多數關係。

can help you audit and understand nearly every relationship in your life.

這可能會是你第一次了解到 為什麼某段友誼會讓你感到失望，

For the first time, you might understand why you're disappointed in a friendship

或為什麼和某位家人的所有互動

or why every interaction with a certain family member

都讓你灰心、焦慮。

leaves you discouraged and anxious.

你甚至可能會開始了解 你自己的強烈感情和嫉妒

You might even begin to see how your own intensity and jealousy

會造成你和工作同事之間的問題。

is causing problems with colleagues at work.

改善的第一步是了解，

Understanding is the first step to improving,

雖然你無法把每一段 不健康的關係變健康——

and while you can't make every unhealthy relationship healthy --

我們得要放棄某些關係——

some you're going to have to leave behind --

你仍然可以每天做好 你能做的部分，讓關係更好。

you can do your part every day to do relationships better.

有個讓人興奮的消息：

And here's the exciting news:

它並沒有多困難。

it's actually not rocket science.

開發的溝通、相互的尊重、

Open communication, mutual respect,

仁慈、耐心——

kindness, patience --

我們每天都可以練習這些。

we can practice these things every day.

雖然練習一定會讓你更好，

And while practice will definitely make you better,

但我也保證練習不會讓你完美。

I have to promise you it's also not going to make you perfect.

這是我維生的工作，

I do this for a living

每天我都在想、在談健康的關係，

and every day I think and talk about healthy relationships,

而我仍然會做出不健康的事。

and still I do unhealthy things.

有一天，我在試著 把我的四個孩子弄出門，

Just the other day as I was trying to shuttle my four kids out the door

當時大家對於早餐 吵個不停，抱怨個不停，

amidst quarreling, squabbling and complaints about breakfast,

我完全失控了。

I completely lost it.

帶著刻意的怒火，

With an intentionally angry edge,

我大叫：

I screamed,

「大家通通閉嘴，照我說的做！

"Everybody just shut up and do what I say!

你們最差勁了！

You are the worst!

我要取消看電視的時間和點心，

I am going to take away screen time and dessert

還有你們人生中可以 享受的所有一切事物！」

and anything else you could possibly ever enjoy in life!"

（笑聲）

(Laughter)

有人有過這種狀況嗎？

Anybody been there?

（掌聲）

(Applause)

反覆無常、輕視。

Volatility, belittling.

我的長子轉身看著我，說：

My oldest son turned around and looked at me, and said,

「媽，那不是愛。」

"Mom, that's not love."

（笑聲）

(Laughter)

他這樣批評我， 讓我在當下真想殺了他。

For a minute, I really wanted to kill him for calling me out.

我是說真的。

Trust me.

但，接著，我振作起來，

But then I gathered myself

知道嗎，其實我很自豪。

and I thought, you know what, I'm actually proud.