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One of the most obvious but in practice very hardest things to ask a partner, even one
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we name in our will and whose life is entirely entwined with ours, is: 'Do you still love
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me?' There would be so many reasons why they might not do so anymore: we might have
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driven them to the limit with our admittedly at points really rather challenging behavior.
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We're not getting any younger. There are a lot of other people – especially at work
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and in the invisible parts of their life – who would have great things to offer them. It's
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hard to trust anyone, given what can happen. Furthermore, the signs aren't necessarily
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very good at the moment. They spend a lot of time on their phones. They're a bit distracted.
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Their thoughts seem elsewhere. We powerfully long for reassurance and at the same time
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what we would need to get this reassurance presents terrors of all its own. It would
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mean revealing the extent of our vulnerability and of the scale of their power to hurt us.
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It would mean having to admit how much of our life is in their hands and how deeply
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we depend on their good opinion of us for our psychological survival. Sometimes the
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cost can feel just too high – especially if we grew up in families where we got little
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reassurance that another person would understand our needs. It seems better not to ask too
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directly. At the same time, their disengaged manner is unbearable as well. In the circumstances,
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we may find ourselves carrying out one of the strangest manoeuvres witnessed in relationships.
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We may seek to get their attention accompanied by their anger as opposed to their attention
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accompanied by their love. We choose to pay the lower price of seeking signs that they
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remember we exist as an alternative to the far more arduous, rejection-risky task of
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securing proof that they still love us. ©Flickr/Ashley Webb
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So we wait until they are tired and fed up and launch a volley of accusations: you never
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do much around the house, your job doesn't pay enough, you've become very dull. Or,
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at dinner with friends, we loudly tell a story about something that happened during their
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parent's messy divorce. What we are really trying to say is: I love you so much. I rely
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on you to give sense to my life. But instead we have managed to work them up into a rage
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and ensured they will say brutal things to us. Of course, their mind is fully trained
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on us. But – with a horrible irony – it's far from the kind of attention we were seeking.
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We who crave their kindness, their enthusiasm, their warmth, their compassion, their tenderness
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and their constructive intelligence to engage with our needs are on the receiving end of
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their (very understandable) frustration, disappointment, wounded pride and self-protective anger. We
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should have the courage of our longings. We should build relationships where it is natural,
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and therefore not too frightening, to seek and receive on a regular basis basic reassurance
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that we are wanted. We should make friends with our own extreme dependence and not see
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it as a sign of either shame or evil. Furthermore, when we next find ourselves on the receiving
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end of some utterly unfair accusations or aggression from our partner, we should bear
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in mind that they have probably not turned monstrous: they are simply trying to secure
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a reminder that we care for them in the only way they know how, by driving us mad.
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Our Relationships Reboot Cards inspire conversations that can help to rekindle
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love between you and your partner.