This is you about five minutes.

這是五分鐘後的你。

Because you're gonna speak English better than a native!

因為五分鐘過後，你的英文會說得比母語人士好！

The average English person is terrible at grammar, spelling and you know . . . being social.

一般英文母語人士的文法和拼字以及 . . . 社交，都糟透了。

For example: If you hear any native English speaker say the word "pronOUnciation" instead of saying it "pronunciation", punch them in the face—hard.

舉例來說：如果你聽到英文母語人士說「pronOUnciation」而不是「pronunciation」，請狠狠揍他們一拳。

True story:

以下為真實故事：

I used to work for someone who would send emails to very high-profile clients in other companies.

我以前的主管要負責寄 email 給客戶，這些客戶都來自高知名度的企業。

She was a native English speaker.

她的母語是英文喔！

And her grammar and spelling were so, so bad.

但她的文法和拼字真的非常、非常糟。

A five-year-old could have done better.

一個五歲小孩程度都比她好。

So today you're going to learn the very common mistakes that native English speakers make.

所以今天你會學到英文母語人士最常犯的幾個錯誤有哪些。

Of course there are the annoying ones: they're, their, there; your, you're.

當然，有些字很惱人，像是：they're、their、there；your 和 you're。

Yes, okay sometimes I have made that mistake.

的確，我有時候也會犯這種錯誤。

It can be a brain fart and generally we know that those are wrong.

可能因為一個恍神，通常我們都知道自己是錯的。

But these next five examples of mistakes that native English speakers make, make us sound so annoyingly stupid.

但接下來要講的五個英文母語人士常犯的錯誤，讓我們聽起來簡直笨得可以。

It makes me want to poke my eyes out.

讓我想把自己的眼睛挖出來。

First some pronunciation, again it's not pronOUnciation.

首先是一些發音的錯誤，我再說一次，不是「pronOUnciation」。

That deserves a punch in the face.

這講錯真的該被揍一拳。

But how about this: Ask your native English-speaking friends how do you pronounce that letter.

但這個呢：去問你的英文母語朋友，怎麼唸這個字母。

I guarantee you a large percentage of them will say: "haitch".

我可以保證，絕大部分的人都會唸成「haitch」。

It's not "haitch", no! It's "aitch".

但它並不唸作「haitch」，是「aitch」。

Punch in the face!

揍他一拳！

For all you Italians, this will annoy you:

義大利的朋友，接下來這點可能會惹怒你們。

How do we say espresso?

我們都怎麼唸「espresso」呢？

We change the S for an X. "EXpresso."

我們會把第二個字母「S」改成「X」。「EXpresso」。

Punch in the face!

揍一拳啦！

And I especially get annoyed at "eXpecially".

另外當別人把「especially」唸成「eXpecially」時，我會特別惱怒。

Where are these X's coming from?

這些 X 到底是從哪冒出來的啊？

It's equally awful and definitely deserves a punch in the face and defriending from Facebook forever.

犯這些錯真的很糟糕，這絕對要給他一拳外加永遠解除 Facebook 好友關係。

This you will see more in text and written things but if you listen carefully sometimes you can hear it.

接下來要講的可能比較常在文字或書寫中看到，但如果你仔細聽的話可能也會在口語中聽到。

What am I talking about? This.

我指的是什麼呢？這個。

"So Steve didn't come to the party."

(「Steve 沒有來這個派對欸。」)

"Yeah, but he would of."

(「對啊，但他應該要來的。」)

"Sorry, he . . . ?"

(「你說他 . . .？」)

"If he could of, he would of."

(「如果他可以，他應該會來。」)

"Would of!"

「would of」！

"Could of!"

「could of」！

"Would of", "could of" and "should of".

「would of」、「could of」和 「should of」。

These aren't things. Stop.

不能這樣講的，拜託改掉。

Why do British people do this?

為什麼英國人要這麼說？

You have to think of the contraction.

這跟英文中的縮寫有關。

"Would have", "would've". Would've, would've.

「would have」的縮寫為「would've」。Would've、would've。

Say it enough times.

一直重複唸。

Would've, would of . . . would of . . . would of?

Would've、would of . . . would of . . . would of？

Is it "would of"?

是唸作「would of」嗎？

No!

不！

I guarantee you, search on Twitter the term "would of".

我向你保證，在 Twitter 上面搜尋「would of」。

You will find millions of examples of people using this incorrectly.

你會找到一堆大家的錯誤使用例子。

It's nuts!

太扯了！

So just remember, it's not "would of", it's "would have", "should have", "could have".

所以你只要記得，並不是「would of」，是「would have」、「should have」、「could have」。

Also, native English speakers always get the third conditional wrong.

另外，英文母語人士總是用錯第三條件句。

In third conditionals, wishes or ifs about a past situation;

第三條件句是假設或是與過去事實相反的語氣。

You have to remember the order.

你一定要記得它的文法結構。

"If"+"had" with "verb three", right?

「If」加上「had」加上「過去分詞」，對吧？

Or "I wish"+"had"+"verb three".

或是「I wish」加上「had」加上「過去分詞」。

Or "if only"+"had"+"verb three".

或「if only」加上「had」加上「過去分詞」。

The hypothetical result of that includes "would have", "could have", sure!

沒錯，假設語氣的結果會包含「would have」和「could have」。

But not with the "if" clause.

但這在條件子句中並不成立。

Oh, what's that?

喔？你說什麼？

Trump isn't very good at grammar?

你說川普的文法不太好？

Shocking!

不意外呀！

"If I would have relied on fake news of CNN . . ."

「如果我依賴 CNN 的假新聞 . . .」

So what did he want to say?

所以他到底想表達什麼？

He wanted to say:

他想說的是：

If I "had" relied on . . .

「如果我『當初』依賴 . . .」

Blah blah blah . . . bullshit.

巴拉巴拉巴拉一堆廢話。

But he's . . . an idiot.

但 . . . 他是個智障啊！

Much more commonly, you will hear this in conversation and see it in text conversation.

你會很常在日常對話和訊息中聽到或看到這種錯誤。

"If I would have known!" or "I wish I would have known!".

「If I would have known!」或是「I wish I would have known!」。

You can correct your friends now!

你現在可以去糾正你的朋友們了！

You know that this isn't the right way.

你知道這樣講是錯的。

What way should it be?

應該怎麼說？

"If I had known!" or "I wish I had known!"

「If I had known!」或「I wish I had known!」。

The next one is:

接下來是：

"Me and him went to the pub."

(「我和他去了酒吧。」)

Subject pronouns. Yeah.

對，代名詞主格。

It's not "me and him", it's "he and I".

並不是「me and him」，應該是「he and I」。

Remember we're using subject pronouns.

記得我們用的是代名詞的主格。

You wouldn't, for example, say "Me went to the pub."

舉個例子，你並不會說「Me went to the pub.」吧？

No! You'd say "I went to the pub."

不會呀！你會說「I went to the pub.」。

"I did a thing", not "Me did a thing".

你會說「I did a thing」，而不是「Me did a thing」。

And it's the done thing to let the other person go first in the sentence.

而且讓自己以外的人排在句子前面是禮貌。

So "Me and him" . . . "He and I".

所以不是「Me and him」，應該說「He and I」。

And finally.

最後一點。

"I was talking to this one girl. She sent me some textses."

(「我之前在跟這女生聊天，她傳了很多簡訊給我。」)

. . . Textses.

. . . Textses。

Why would you pluralise something that's already plural!

已經是複數的字幹嘛再加上複數呢！

Texts!

是「Texts」！

If anyone says that, you know what to do!

如果再聽到有人講錯，你應該知道要怎麼做了吧！

Hard!

給他重重的一拳！

And if you ever see your friends on social media making any of these mistakes, you can be that really super popular friend and correct their grammar.

而你如果在社交媒體上看到你的朋友們犯這些錯，你就去當那個受歡迎的、會糾正朋友文法的人。

Everyone loves that person.

大家都愛這種人。

Are there any I've missed?

我還有漏掉什麼嗎？

What mistakes have you noticed that British or native English speakers make?

你是否曾發現英國人或英文母語人士犯的英文錯誤？

Let me know in the comments and I'll see you in the next class!

歡迎在留言區跟我分享，我們下一堂課見！