Oh, for the love of everything.

噢天啊！

What's happening?

怎麼了？

My roommate locked her GD self out of our freaking apartment again, so I have to go back and let her in.

我室友又把她自己鎖在我們公寓外了，我必須回去幫她開門。

Oh, that's so annoying.

哇，好討人厭喔！

Sarah does that every week.

Sarah 每個星期都會發生這種事。

Also, she never remembers to get toilet paper, ever.

而且她從來不會記得補充廁所的衛生紙，從來。

You guys are making me happy I do not have roommates right now.

你們這麼說讓我覺得很快樂。我現在自己住。

Yeah, but I mean, isn't it scary living alone?

是這樣沒錯，但你不覺得自己住很可怕嗎？

I would get scared.

我會怕欸！

Yeah, I don't mind being by myself, but like, not having another human around gets kinda creepy.

對啊，我不介意自己一個人，但身邊沒有其他人類會有點可怕。

Yeah.

同意。

Eh, it's not that bad.

呃我覺得沒有那麼糟啦！

I like the lonesomeness. It's nice.

我喜歡獨自一個人的感覺。那種感覺很棒。

Really?

真的嗎？

What's there to like about such an alienated way of living?

這種離群索居的感覺有什麼好的啊？

Well, you guys might not like the idea of your space being occupied by you and only you, but I love that my space is all mine, every corner and every inch of the apartment.

好吧，你們可能不喜歡自己的空間只充斥著你們自己的東西，但我愛這種每個角落每個地方都完全屬於我的感覺。

When I come in there's no one to be nice to if my day was bad, and I'm the only person I have to deal with.

如果我度過了很糟的一天，回家後也不用強顏歡笑，因為我只要顧好自己就好了。

There's only me.

家裡只有我一個。

On a less grand scale, I do enjoy that my supplies last longer than any of you who have to share with your roommates.

拿小事來說的話，生活日用品可以用很久這一點蠻棒的，我不用像你們一樣要跟室友合用東西。

I've had the same tube of toothpaste for three months!

同一條牙膏我已經用了三個月！

I can use my bathroom with the door wide open.

我上廁所的時候可以門戶大開著上。

Gross.

噁心！

Perhaps, gross is that I sometimes leave the dishes in the sink for months on end, and there's no one to get mad at except for me.

更噁心的還在後頭咧！有時候我把碗盤留在洗手槽不洗好一陣子，然後也不會有人對我生氣。

It's freeing.

真自由。

And I can talk to myself any–

然後我會自言自語–

I'll call Kate; Kate would know.

「我應該打給 Kate，Kate 會知道怎麼辦的。」

time - S A T E, conversate.

(試著拼字)

I want... -conversate is not a word.

我想要...等等根本沒有 conversate 這個字啊！

It is a word now.

好，現在有了！

No it is not.

那才不是一個字咧！

I can have company whenever I want and kick them out whenever I'd like, and I can hook up whenever I want, or I could not, and I'm the only person who witnesses the sadness in both.

我可以隨心所欲的隨時找人來作伴或勾搭別人，我也會是唯一一個見證這些悲傷的人。

Some days I just lay around all day, 'cause there's no one there to catch me.

有時候我只會躺在那邊一整天因為沒有人會逮到我。

My Netflix queue is all mine.

我想看 Netflix 就可以看，不用排隊等人。

You know what I really like?

你知道我最喜歡什麼嗎？

Sometimes I put on show tunes, and I can blast them as loud as I want.

有時候我會直接播出精選曲目，想播多大聲就播多大聲。

And I can just sing and dance all around the apartment from one end to the other, and it's just bliss.

然後我就可以從公寓的一端載歌載舞到另一段，這真的是天大的福氣。

Sounds amazing but what about...

聽起來是很棒啦但...

Oh, and I can fart!

喔然後我可以自由自在地放屁！

What!

什麼！

Yeah, I can just fart whenever I want and be naked all the time.

真的，我可以想放屁就放屁然後隨時都裸體。

It's great.

太棒了！

That sounds cool.

聽起很酷！

But what about when you forget your keys?

但如果你忘了帶鑰匙怎麼辦？

Oh.

喔...

Well then I'm delightfully screwed.

那我應該會哭笑不得。

Ha, she got you there.

哈你看想不到該怎麼辦了吧！

I got you there.

我讓你無話可說了。

I got you there.

我讓你無話可說了。

She got it.

她贏了！

You might choke on a sandwich by yourself.

你有可能在吃三明治的時候被自己嗆到。

Has that ever happened to you?

你有發生過這樣的事嗎？

You're not wearing pants and you choke on a...

假設你沒有穿褲子然後又嗆到...

Why did you have to include not wearing pants?

到底為什麼要包含沒有穿褲子的部分？

'Cause I wasn't wearing pants.

因為我那時候沒穿褲子。

That has nothing to do with choking.

這跟嗆到一點關係都沒有。