I've looked up all the okay one-bedroom apartments and studios in the area

我尋覓了附近所有"還OK"的雅房跟套房

and found absolutely nothing under 2,000 per month

但卻找不到任何低於兩千元美金的住所

I'm not picky kind of person

我並不是一個股摸的人

so by "okay", I actually meant something normal, not hunted,

所以我說"還OK"，我其實主要求一間普通，沒有鬧鬼

and with no roaches or ghosts floating and wandering around

然後沒有蟑螂跟鬼魂遊蕩，飄來飄去的地方

during the daytime and nighttime

不管是晚上，還是白天

or just any time

或是任何其他時間....

Since there is nothing affordable

既然找不到負擔的起的地方

I ended up sharing the house with several roommates

我最後就和一些室友們合租了一個房子

Roommates could be a little bit crazy sometimes

室友是一種有時候會有點起笑的東西

but, hey, look at the bright side

但是，往好的方面去想

I've learned a lot during the time living with roommates

我還是從和室友居住、相處中學習到很多

Especially about how to choose the right ones

尤其是關於如何挑選好的室友

which is not a very useful survival skill at all

也就是一個完全沒X用的生存技能

the very first thing they've learned about choosing the right roommate

我體悟到的選室友第一招就是

is to avoid old people, umm...

請避開老....

I meant to avoid having a senior roommate

厄... 我是只請避開挑選年長的室友

Not that I'm against old people

我真的沒有歧視老人喔!

I truly respect the seniors since we'll all grow old someday

我超級敬重他們的，畢竟有一天我們都會變老咩

It's just that if you're at a certain age and you still can manage to have your own place to live in

只是阿，如果你到了一定的年紀，還沒有一個屬於自己的地方

there is probably something off

那你這個人一定有點問題

Well, at least in my experience

至少依照我個人的經驗來說啦

they all ended up not being able to pay the rent

他們最後全都付不出房租

So the rest of us had to cover for them

然後我們其他室友只好幫他們分擔

So there's this guy Michael

所以我現在要來跟你講講"麥摳"

my sixth sense told me not to him as one of the roommates

我的靈異第六感跟我說千萬別選他

But the owner of the house picked him,

但是房屋的主人選了他

so I didn't really have a say

所以我也實在是無話可說

The day after he moved in

他搬進來的第一天

I came back from a long day of work

我剛好經歷了漫長的一天，下班回到家

I grabbed my towel, clothes, shampoo, and a bunch of other toiletries

我拿了我的毛巾，換洗衣物，洗髮精，還有一堆哩哩摳摳

and I was ready for a nice hot shower

然後準備好要享受我完美的熱水澡

I opened the bathroom door

我打開浴室的門一看

and there he was

哎呀我的媽，他居然在裡面

Sleeping in the bathtub with a slice of half-eaten pepperoni pizza

而且他睡在澡缸裡，肚子上還擺了一片

lying on his stomach

吃到一半的美式臘腸披薩

and he was snoring like thunder

而且不只喔，他還打雷... 喔我是說打鼾

I stared at him for a few seconds.

我瞪著他看了幾秒

Hey, wake up!

嘿，起床!

Wake up

醒來!

Hello, anybody home?

欸欸有沒有人在家

Well, I tried to wake him up in multiple different ways.

反正我就是把各種法寶都拿出來了

None of them worked

通通都沒有用啦!

So he occupied the whole bathroom for the entire evening

他就這樣霸佔了整間浴室

Slept all the way through the night until the very next morning

一路從晚上睡到隔天早上

and no one was able to wake him up

然後沒有人有本事把他叫醒

He literally slept like he's dead

他睡得跟死人一樣

except for the snoring part

打呼的部分除外....

Yeah, like a super loud snoring corpse

沒錯，就像一個打呼超大聲的屍體

He slept in the bathtub several more times after that

他之後又在澡缸睡了好幾次

with different types of delicious cuisine lying on his stomach

每次肚子上都有不同的異國美食

Until the day we found out about the needles.

就這樣直到有一天我們發現了那個針筒

Yes

沒錯

the needles

就是針筒

it's actually the cleaning lady who first saw the needles

其實是打掃的阿姨先看到針筒的

and...

而且...

It was in the trash can wrapped in a bunch of toilet paper

他是在垃圾桶裡找到的那個包在衛生紙裡面的針筒

He was arrested before we even really figured out what the needles are for

然後在我們發現針筒是做甚麼用的之前，他就被警察杯杯逮捕了

but we all kind of guessed it

但是其實我們又不是蠢豬，早就都猜到了啦

and I never saw him again

然後我就再也沒有見過他了 (好感傷?)

and there is this college kid who played really loud music after midnight

後來又有一個每次都在半夜大聲放音樂的大學生

He also smokes weed inside of the room and pretended he didn't

他還在房間抽大麻，還硬要假裝自己沒抽

it's not like we can't smell, you know

拜託，我們又不是聞不到

We've all got that one thing that Voldemort doesn't have

我們都有那個佛地魔沒有的東西齁

Nose!

鼻子!

and... here are the two more things to avoid

所以接下來要避免的兩個要件

liars and disrespectful DJ wannabes

長鼻子大騙子和想當DJ的死小孩

He moved away eventually

但他最後還是搬走了啦

and one of his friends from the rowing team took over the room

然後他的划船隊的朋友就取而代之，搬了進來

He's tall and muscular with tanned skin

他又高又壯而且還有小麥般的古銅膚色

He worked out in the backyard every day

他每天都在後院健身

He tons of fried chicken with white rice,

他每天都吃一大堆炸雞配白飯

which I have no idea why I'm telling you these

我也不知道為什麼我要告訴你這個

He's alright, except for the one thing that drove us nuts

他大致來說還可以啦，除了一個很讓人裝狂的習慣

You know how the floor could be a little bit wet after you showered

你知道洗完澡地板難免會有一點濕濕的

which is totally normal

這很正常啊

but it's not normal when the water spot has some sort of color

但是當那個水漬有顏色

mixed with the smell of Ammonia

然後還有阿摩尼亞的味道的時候

and the color is not just any color.

然後那個顏色還不是隨隨便便的顏色喔

It's like a subtle yellow

是一種似黃非黃...

Yeah, you're right

你又猜對了齁

I found out that every single time

我發現每一次

after he uses the shower

他洗完澡

He pees right there in the bathtub

他都在澡缸裡面尿尿!

and didn't even bother to rings it up

然後尿完還不沖掉

or hide the fact that he did it

也絲毫不需要隱藏

He just left it there every single time.

他每次就讓他的尿尿留在澡缸裡面

It was gross

噁爛斃了

but I kind of feel it's going to be super awkward

但是我又覺得

if I just went up to him and be like

如果我就這樣走過去說

"Hey, dude"

"嘿，大哥"

Did you just pee in the bathtub?

你剛剛是在澡缸尿尿嗎?

just by thinking of it

喔我光用想的

I could kind of feel the awkwardness of silence already.

就可以全身感覺到那會有多尷尬

I've always felt like I need solid evidence

我總是覺得如果我要控訴別人的話

before accusing anyone of doing anything

我一定要有足夠的證據

But there is no way I can prove that it's him

但是我根本沒辦法證明是他尿的

unless I collect a sample of the urine

除非我跑去蒐集他的尿液

and send It to the laboratory for a DNA test.

然後送去研究室做DNA檢測

I kind of wanted to do it

其實我是有點想要這樣做啦

but who in the world does that right?

但是誰會做這種事情啊!

And he moved out after graduating from school as well.

然後他畢業後也終於搬走了

So avoid people who pee or poop in public areas

所以阿要小心避免會在公共場合尿尿或大恩恩的人喔

this is not China, you know

這裡又不是中國大陸齁

and there's Kevin

然後還有凱文

the young man works for the United States Post Office

在美國郵政工作的年輕人

aka the USPS

也就是所謂的"美郵"

He's cool

他很不錯

And I liked him and he knows a lot about post office

然後我也蠻喜歡他的，他還知道很多關於郵局的事情

like how to mail your stuff or how to buy stamps

像是怎麼寄信，或是買郵票之類的

and I dunno

哎呀我也不知道啦

Just some regular post office knowledge

反正就是一些正常關於郵局的知識

He eats lots of canned lentils

他吃很多罐裝的扁豆

which in my opinion is not really something edible

我個人認為那種東西應該不能夠稱之為食物吧

Blah, who eats those

噁，誰吃那種東西啊

but it doesn't really bother me

但沒關係啦也不礙著我

He's still my roommate right now

他現在還是我的好是有喔

And I hope he doesn't move away before I do

希望他不要比我先搬走欸

because I'm pretty sure I can't find someone

因為我一定沒有辦法找到一個

as chill and cool as he is

跟他一樣好相處的室友了啦

Despite the fact that he eats lentils

除了他吃扁豆這件事之外

I've always had roommates since all the way back in college,

我從大學開始就一職都跟室友一起住

but at that time I lived in the dorm

可是大學的時候我是住在宿舍的

Which's a very different situation

所以那是完全不同的一個情況

we had to share the same room, take the same classes

那時候我們不僅要住在同一間房間，還要上同樣的課

and enjoy or you could say endure each other 24/7

每天24小時候可以享受，或是你也可以說忍耐對方的陪伴

I'm just going to let my story end here

不過我的故事就要在這邊結束了啦

because I don't really want to expose how reckless I was

因為我才不要讓你知道大學的我有多荒唐呢

during my college years

我大學的時候

I was young dumb and broke

既年輕，又蠢，而且還很窮

just like all the other college kids

就跟所有其他大學生一樣

besides the ones come from those crazy rich families

那些從瘋狂有錢的家庭出生的人除外喔

So I'll just keep that as my little secret for now

所以我就把大學的故事當成我自己的小祕密啦

I'm nice, gentle, positive, and lovely

我正面陽光，可愛又具有紳士風度

but I have my dark secrets too

可是我也有黑暗的秘密喔

And I'm not going to reveal myself

而且我才不要讓你看到呢

until I trust you enough

除非有一天我夠信任你了

Maybe we'll be friends or even roommates someday

也許有一天我們會變成好朋友，甚至是室友呢

Who knows what's going to happen in the future?

畢竟沒有人可以預測未來

Right?

你說對不對呢?

I'm fly I'm free

我自由的飛

like a bird in the sky

像在天空中的小鳥

You can't stop me

一但我飛得夠高了

once I'm flying so high

你就不能阻止我了

I'm fly, I'm free like a bird in the sky

我像天空中的小鳥自由的飛翔~~~