It is in this context that we should give due recognition to a truly grave hurt that can unfold, within established relationships, when there is almost no touch left between the parties, when one partner repeatedly moves to hold the other's hand, or perhaps caress their shoulder or waist, and receives no response at all, or a subtle turn away and withdrawal.

正是因為處在這樣的環境中，我們更應該要給予一個可能會呈現的苦痛適當的認可，包含在已建立的戀愛關係中，當兩方之間已幾乎沒有身體接觸，當一方不停去握對方的手，或也許輕撫他們的肩膀或腰，卻完全沒有得到回應，或是一個不經意的轉身或離開之時。

We're not talking here of the more obvious and well-known problem of a lack of sex (though this may be present too), we're talking of the long-term and arguably equally serious or even greater hurt that can ensue when one partner's body as a whole becomes somehow unreceptive to, or uninterested in, the other's touch.

我們並不是在指比較顯著和著名的缺乏性生活的問題 (雖然這可能也是問題之一)，我們著重的是當一方的身體不知怎地變得不願接受或是對另一半的撫摸沒有興趣，所造成長期且可以說是同等重要甚至更強烈的苦痛。

We know, of course, how much this kind of thing is awkward on an early date.

我們當然都知道這樣的事在一開始約會時有多麼地尷尬。

We're ready, at a cultural level, to give due weight to a minor physical rejection when it happens around a potential new partner.

我們在文化的程度上已準備好，去在意一個細微的、身體上的拒絕反應，當它發生在一個可能是未來伴侶的人身上。

But there is as much loneliness and agony within settled couples around unheld hands, except that here it feels a great deal more embarrassing and more humiliating even to raise the issue.

但在這樣不牽手的情境中，已成為伴侶的情侶也感到同等的寂寞與苦惱，只不過在這點上他們可能感到更尷尬且更丟臉而不去提起這件事。

Perplexingly, the very person who quietly withdraws their hand or leaves it agonisingly limp in our own, can also be the one who is named in our will, with whom we share a mortgage and to whom we have given over our emotional lives.

令人費解的是，悄悄抽走手或是痛苦地抽走其在我們身上四肢的人正也是我們共同分擔抵押借款，並分享情緒的重要他人。

How devastating to self-confidence an inert hand can be in this situation.

一隻呆滯的手在這樣的情境中可以為自信心帶來多麼大的傷害。

Lifeless in ours, this hand plays into every anxiety about unacceptability, exploitation and rejection.

這隻沒有生氣的手存在於每一次對不願接受所產生的焦慮、剝削和拒絕中。

But precisely because it is so devastating, it becomes impossibly hard to discuss in any fruitful way.

但正因為它十分具殺傷力，讓有效益地討論這件事變得極其困難。

We are liable either to say nothing at all, or else to express our hurt through bitterness and sarcasm.

我們常常會什麼都不說，或者是用苦毒和諷刺的方式來表達我們受到的傷。

We cannot stay long enough with the pain we feel to share it, and try to correct it with the partner themselves.

我們無法長期忍受我們感受到的共享的痛楚，並試圖改正伴侶。

We may find it wholly beyond us to develop the authority, self-belief and legitimacy to say: you didn't take my hand after dinner, you never touch me of your own accord, and it is driving me slowly but definitively insane.

我們可能會發現自己很難有這樣的權威、自信和正當性去說：你沒有在晚餐後握我的手，你從來不主動摸我，而這顯然漸漸地讓我感到精神異常。

We don't have this kind of offence mapped on our chart of acceptable verbalisable unhappiness.

我們可以接受的對於表達不滿的言語表達方式並不包含這樣的冒犯。

It doesn't feel like a toll we have a language for or the right to.

這不像是一個我們知道如何表達或是有權力去這麼做的事。

And yet, we should, despite our anxieties, retain the courage and conviction of our feelings.

而是儘管我們感到焦慮，我們應該保持勇氣和對自己的感覺的信念。

An inert hand or a lack of touch, is truly as serious a problem as we feel it is.

一隻呆滯的手或是缺乏觸摸真的是一個嚴重的問題，就像我們所感受到的一樣。

The request to be held and physically acknowledged is a subject of deep gravity, rooted in our capacity to tolerate and like ourselves.

被握著的請求和實質上的認可是一堂十分重要的課題，根植在我們忍受和喜歡自己的能力中。

We should not compound our misery by a sense that we are not allowed to feel or share it.

我們不應該感到我們不被允許有這樣的感受，來加重我們的苦難。

Then, when we can manage it, we should learn to pick up the partner's hand with a newfound confidence and say that the little flinch or inertness we feel when we do so is a huge problem for us, that what they may blithely dismiss as 'this touching business' is part of why we're in a relationship in the first place, that it matters as much as anything else does to us and that if they care at all for us or in any way about the continuance of the union, then they will have to take the pain on board at last.

到時候，當我們可以管理這份情緒，我們應該學會再次有自信地拾起伴侶的手，並說明那我們所感受到的小小的畏縮或是呆滯對我們來說是個大問題，而那可能不經意把我們解散的「觸摸哲學」是我們一開始處為什麼在親密關係的原因，它和其他發生在我們身上的事一樣重要，而如果他們關心我們或是關心這份關係的持續，那麼他們最後就必須承擔這份痛苦。

We should have the bravery finally to know in our hearts that this 'small' thing is not small at all.

我們最終應該要有勇氣去了解在我們心中，這件「小」事一點都不小。

It's quite simply integral to how we know we're loved, and how and when we feel we're not.

知道我們是被愛著的，也知道我們什麼時候如何不被愛著的，只是一體兩面的事。

Love is a skill that we can learn.

愛是一個我們可以學會的技能。

Our relationships book calmly guides us with calm and charm through the key issues of relationships.

我們有關兩性關係的書平靜有趣地領導我們認識親密關係中的議題。

To ensure that success in love need not be a matter of good luck. For more click the link now.

為了確保愛情的成功，不需要靠運氣。點進連結已取得更多資訊。