Name: 擺脫尷尬！約會時該說些什麼？(What to Talk About on a Date)
Uploaded: 2020-09-26T21:01:10.000Z
Duration: 6 min 38 s

情態助動詞 B1

Our impulse when looking for what to talk about on a date might be to pick up on a current event, some detail of the environment or a few impressive things about our careers.

當我們在想約會時該聊些什麼時，我們可能會選擇聊時事、環境的細節或一些工作上令人印象深刻的事。

But if a date is at heart an audition for the emotional capacities required for the success of a long-term relationship, the real purpose of conversation on a date must be to try to understand the deep self of the other person.

但如果一場約會實際上是一段成功的長期關係必經的感情試鏡，那麼約會中對話的真正目的必須是了解另一個人的深層自我。

未來進行式

We know we will be doing well if, at a certain point, our date reflects that they've never been asked so many psychologically-weighty questions – and are we perhaps some sort of psychotherapist in training…?

我們知道我們會做得很好，如果我們的約會對象在某個時刻反映說，他們從未被問過這麼多沉重的心理層面問題——那我們是否有點像是正在接受訓練的心理治療師？

Such comments playfully reflect how comparatively surface most chat ends up being on a date and how unnerving and yet in the end delightful it can be to sense that for once the focus of another's interest is firmly on the details of our souls.

這些評論有趣地反映約會中的談話會相對地膚淺且令人緊張的進行方式，然而，一旦意識到對方感興趣的是我們靈魂的細節，最終這可以是令人感到愉悅的對話。

This is some of what we might ask on a date in an attempt to take the measure of another's deeper self.

以下是一些我們在約會時，為了評價對方的深層自我，而可能會問的問題。

Firstly, what has made you cry in recent times?

首先，你最近因為什麼事而哭？

Here, we don't only concern with what goes well for them, we're accepting of, and curious about their reversals.

透過這個問題，我們不只是關心對方順遂的人生，我們也接受他們的挫折並對此感到好奇。

We know there are painful sides of life for everyone, we're not going to insist on levity or deny them the right to grieve.

我們知道每個人生活中都有痛苦的一面，我們不會強調世事無常或是剝奪他們悲傷的權利。

We'll also be sure to tell them in turn what brings tears to our eyes.

我們也要反過來告訴他們，讓我們難過哭泣的情況。

Secondly, what was difficult in your childhood?

第二個，你的童年有什麼難過的回憶？

Without anyone meaning for this to happen, parents inevitably bruise and damage their children.

沒有人想要讓難過的事發生，但父母無可避免地會傷害到孩子們。

With this kind of question, we're trying to get a sense of our date's particular take on the drama of growing up.

在這個問題中，我們試著了解約會對象在成長過程中特別在意的點。

All of us end up a little distorted by our experiences in childhood.

我們最終都會稍微被童年經歷扭曲。

Over-vigilant or too relaxed; too concerned with money or overly indifferent to material goods; frightened of sex or excessively decadent.

過度警惕或毫無警覺；對金錢過度關心或對物質生活過於漠不關心；對性感到懼怕或過度沉迷。

Our date won't be unique in having been messed up, we're got to be clear on this score, but their disturbances will be fascinatingly specific to them.

我們必須搞清楚，我們的約會不會因搞砸而獨特，但對方的煩惱對他們來說非常具體。

Through our question, we're signalling that understanding their child self will be vital to grasping how they behave and who they are as adults.

我們透過問題表達的是，了解他們的童年自我，對理解他們成年時的行為舉止與人格特質是很重要的。

It will also lay down a reserve of compassion at moments when their adult selves are simply overwhelmed by the dynamics of childhood.

當他們成年的自我被童年的經歷壓倒的時刻，會釋出一些潛藏的同情心。

Our lives are crucially defined by the roads that weren't taken, by the choices we bungled, by the situations we ruminate upon in the early hours.

定義我們人生最重要的是那些沒走過的路、那些拙劣的選擇，以及那些我們不斷在清晨反覆思考的情況。

Because there is such a risk of humiliation in revealing where we messed up, if we can be a patient and compassionate listener, we will be doing something for our date that almost no one has ever done for them – at least outside of a professional therapy.

揭露自己搞砸的事會有丟臉的風險，所以如果我們能當個有耐心且有同情心的傾聽者，我們就可以為約會對象做一些幾乎從來沒有人為他們做過的事——至少在專業治療範疇外的。

We will be gifting them the honour of feeling heard for their mistakes and of being reassured that these are just an inevitable feature of being human.

我們會給予他們在訴說過錯時，感受到傾聽的尊重，並安慰他們說，這些是身為人類無可避免的特點。

All this will be a luxury far greater than being taken to a fancy restaurant or roof-top bar.

這一切會是個好過於豪華餐廳或屋頂酒吧的奢侈約會。

Fourthly, to whom would you like to go back and apologise?

第四，如果可以回到過去你想向誰道歉？

An associated enquiry, this one focuses on the guilt that we accumulate as we stumble through our lives.

這是個相關的問題，它聚焦在我們人生中不斷犯錯而累積下的內疚。

It's a question that both leaves room for confession and offers atonement.

這是個讓你有機會坦白，並做出補償的問題。

Fifthly, what would you want someone to forgive you for?

第五，你有哪些是希望獲得他人原諒的事？

Gently, with this kind of question, we're probing at what they might know is tricky in their own characters.

透過這樣的問題，我們正慢慢地打探對方性格中的棘手部分。

We aren't brutally asking what is wrong with them, they'd take offence.

我們不是殘忍地詢問他們有什麼毛病，這樣他們會感受到冒犯。

We're inviting them to admit to one or two ways in which they have noticed that they can cause difficulties for others.

我們是希望他們能坦承一、兩個，他們曾注意到會帶給他人困擾的情形。

We'll need to have some examples of our own follies to confess to straight after.

緊接著，我們也需要舉一些自己的蠢事例子做坦承。

Next, what have your exes not understood about you?

下一個問題，你的前任有什麼不理解你的地方？

The other person's past relationships are the vital repositories of clues as to the success of their future ones.

對方過去的關係是對於未來感情成功的重要訊息庫。

With this kind of question, we're wondering how well they can pinpoint what went wrong and whether failure has provided them with an occasion to learn rather than merely lament or blame.

透過這樣的問題，我們想知道的是他們能否準確指出做錯的地方，以及失敗是否提供他們學習的機會，而非僅僅是悲嘆或責備。

Then, what would you ideally want to tell your mother and your father?

下一題，你最想告訴母親和父親的事是什麼？

There might be tears at these kinds of questions.

這樣的問題可能會讓人不禁落淚。

There can be so much buried sorrow in the history we share with two people on earth we tend to love and hate in almost equal measure.

在這世界上，我們與這兩人的回憶中可能埋藏著許多的悲傷與遺憾，我們之間的愛與恨幾乎是相等的。

With these kinds of question, we will end up listening to what parents were too brittle, too defensive or too proud to hear.

在這個問題中，我們最終會聽到父母是多麼冷淡、多麼有防衛心或太過傲慢而不願聆聽。

It'll be the sort of thing that never comes out at family gatherings, but so badly needs to be aired.

這些是從來不會在家庭聚會中提到，卻是非常需要表達出來的事。

Lastly, in what ways do you feel like a bit of an impostor at work?

最後，在工作時什麼情形會讓你覺得有點名不符實？

With this question we're normalising that we all invariably feel like we don't entirely measure up to what is expected of us professionally.

透過這個問題，我們將以下想法正常化，我們總是覺得自己在專業上不完全達到別人對自己的期待。

With this question we're providing a refuge for a sense of incompetence that we normally take such pains to hide from the world.

透過這個問題，我們為自己的無力感提供了庇護所，這種無力感是我們常常向這個世界所隱藏的。

We're inviting our date, at last, to let down their guard.

我們希望約會對象，至少放下他們的戒心。

Having exchanged these questions, and others like them, over many hours, we may feel something odd starting to happen.

在數個小時內，互相交換諸如此類的問題後，我們可能會感覺到有些奇怪的事發生了。

We may sense ourselves falling a little in love.

我們可能感覺自己有點陷入愛情當中了。

It's just that we're getting to know another's deeper self, with all the longings, errors, terrors, regrets, weaknesses and fears involved.

只是我們逐漸了解另一個人深層的自我，了解他們所有的渴望、過錯、恐懼、懊悔、脆弱與不安。

And there is simply nothing more seductive than this kind of mutual self-revelation.

沒有比互相自我啟發更有吸引力的事了。

Love being in essence the gratitude we register when we feel accepted and seen as well as the compassion we experience when another person lets down their defences and trusts at last that someone is going to be kind to them.

愛的本質是當我們感覺到被接納、被看見時表達出的感謝之意，以及當另一個人放下他們的防衛心，並相信某個人最終會對他自己好時，所感受到的同情心。

Great dates are made up of great conversations.

美好的約會是由良好的對話組成。

Our Dating Cards are designed to spark insightful and playful encounters.

我們的約會對話卡設計目的是希望能碰撞出深刻且有趣的火花。

Click the link on screen now to find out more.