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  • ladies and Gentlemen Bill burr

  • all right [soon] yeah, I

  • Want to get a gun I?

  • Told him. I really do I never had that feeling before so I moved out to Los angeles

  • The city just messes with your mind. You know so but populated, technically doesn't have a water supply

  • Right the dollars crashing shit keeps you up at night. You [just] [thickened] what am I doing the SAmba scum. I?

  • Start reading up on shit get some powdered [food] plant some zucchini

  • Get a Windmill

  • right

  • And that's all well and good

  • But if you don't know how to fight all you're doing is gathering supplies for the toughest guy in the block

  • Right [think] about that what am I gonna? Do some dude turns me upside down starts shaking the gold coins out of my pockets I?

  • [Gotta] get a gun

  • So I'm on the road right. I'm in Reno

  • great gun Town

  • Coming out in a little gun store, right come walk into some redneck down like a man

  • I don't want to get a gun like I hear you what you looking [for] what you want mossberg over on merit

  • 357 Magnum right such rattling off all this gibberish

  • [all] right, [I] don't know shit. [I'm] trying to play it off. I feel like a bitch cuz I don't know anything about guns

  • Feels like what do we do here?

  • Hello, I'm in both honesty. I don't look dude. I know anything about guns they terrify me, but I'm worried about the zombies

  • Dudes, just like you need a shotgun

  • Shotgun man, it's got a good spread

  • [Cz] the Low doesn't have a lot of working parts got a good spread. He kept saying that it's got a good spread

  • Like what does that mean you could love me you ain't gotta be too accurate

  • Get it good spread farther way you are and the more shit you it?

  • Got a good spread. Thank you got a problem over here. You now look at this room wow it

  • got a probably ready for

  • Anything no, it's even remotely a problem. Ain't there anymore trust me, and then these people here

  • They saw what you just did here. You ain't got a problem harry

  • Graves taking care of right there one shot these people get smart flipping over [wow], it's it's friends

  • Don't like laughs am I yourself I'm like dude look I just want to shoot the guy

  • I don't think do a bunch of drywall work. Yeah

  • Reframe my diploma get my parakeet another friend. Yeah, I

  • Just want to shoot the guy. I'm like [another] one. He's pistol. So he does like that classic like that redneck trailing off thing like

  • [I] know, I just [met] here corner here

  • It is shiny one

  • Feels like the what's wrong with getting a pistol you guys. I'll tell you what buddy cuz life life ain't a movie

  • You feel me

  • Like now can you please stop speaking and these backwards riddles?

  • Can you just say what you're saying I told you? I don't know shit about guns come on. Do me solid here with

  • Those look if you're watching movie kaka blah blah blau he keep kill sweet people real laughs man. You miss you, miss all fuckin time

  • You miss enough [fans], man you miles you're acting miles would you stand there with big Stapler here?

  • Man what you gonna? Do I was like well fuck it. Let's get the shotgun

  • He's [already] to box the thing up, and then I'm like wait [a] minute. I live with my girl

  • I can't [you] show up [with] [a] shotgun, [right]?

  • [that's] not some shit. You can just come home with I

  • Found this stool on the side of the road I can come on with this look at it. We we can refinish it

  • We can carve our initials today. We did a good time, right?

  • You show up with a shotgun. I got it for us I

  • Went Barrel for you one for me now

  • So see Kibosh is the whole thing

  • So the other night somebody broke into our car sitting in the driveway

  • Starts fucking with her head right so she starts reading up on guns

  • You know she's reading too much cuz now she wants to get one but she's just like well

  • I heard you got to keep the bullets in this day keep the stock in the garage

  • And then what then when I run around the house and assemble it if some dudes chasing me with an axe

  • They don't even thinking this thing through sweetheart running around with where's the stuff. It's in the living room in the living room

  • Forgetting this thing. I want that fucking thing loaded right on the bedroom wall right there. I'll put that into my gym gym sleep

  • Just like that

  • No, other point

  • That's funny though when you talk about getting a gun. You know people like they eat. It totally forward or completely against it

  • You [know] [either]. Go nuts and start screaming, right?

  • well

  • They start sawing off those stats actually you increase your chances of getting shot by 80% your second you get a gun in the house

  • Really what cuz I'm going to load it and shower with it like

  • The fuck I know it's dangerous

  • You're gonna pull in your backyard [you'll] immediately increase your odds of drowning in your backyard

  • right

  • You couldn't do that before now. You step on a rake and you go

  • No telling you. I don't buy any of that shit

  • Stats are so fucking stupid now

  • Now that this stupid. It's the way people apply them you're any of your mind made up

  • And then you go - I'm right calm you start memorizing a bunch of shit, and [you] [try] just throw it up at people

  • Guy trying to get me to go Scuba diving [like] I'm not going. I don't want to get Eaten by a shark

  • [he's] like well actually 90% of shark attacks actually happened in Shallow water. It's like no shit. It's where the people are

  • No, the beach

  • 90% of people are frolicking along the coastline

  • These people swim [into] Europe [Gonna] [Iceland] your pussies

  • I

  • Don't know

  • But actually I actually like Los angeles one of the few east coast people that likes it all my [moron]

  • New York friends and Boston friends that come out there try to get a good slice of pizza at 4:00 in the morning

  • They can't boys fucking play sauce

  • It's not it's like exactly where I left. What's the point of traveling if it's Gonna be different?

  • So fucking stupid get a burrito and go on a hike [what's] wrong with you

  • You're gonna go to Hawaii. There's no pause hockey. Just place socks [I]

  • Got to admit the only thing that freaks me out

  • About Los Angeles is all a plastic surgery. I don't get it

  • Why do people [get] plastic surgery you know why can't you just admit? It's over

  • You know you had your time stop trying to look fuckable in your 50s

  • Weird their faces yank back look at all shiny, right?

  • Not to mention they haven't even figured enough

  • You know why would you get a facelift? Can't you look at other facelifts and realize they haven't worked all the bumps out yet?

  • Like that's what you want to look like like you just lost the fight three days ago

  • Don't be a hero [let] somebody else go in there take the fucking beat you you lay back

  • Wait it out

  • [they're] [just] lying to people. I know let's go. Let's go put a little ice on [it]

  • [we'll] [see] [in] a couple weeks. I take it easy

  • Jesus Christ, what the fuck up?

  • We followed every step did we miss something? Oh?

  • Oh, you're cheeky sweetie keys there you go there you go [olsen] recognizes start yelling all right. Take it easy

  • [you] gone [on] she's Gonna write shred everything shred it

  • Now you're nuts

  • You wait it out. Let him figure it out, then you're fucking going don't be a goddamn hero. You know

  • Look at hair plugs hair plugs. Don't look half bad now

  • So this guy the other night on TV. They got God it wasn't good this ten years ago. It's like. No, you don't

  • Ten Years ago when they were stapling ant legs to the top of people's heads

  • Go ahead your eyes would water looking at their hairline like it this

  • Soon and I see fights are

  • They still put you in like a headlock hold still you like a nail gun

  • Pull step guys would tap out after a row and a half fuck it. Okay shit

  • [you] wish you got hair plugs [10] years ago. Do you wish you got Polio 60 years ago?

  • What else is on [your] wish list sir?

  • Now you know fuck with your face

  • okay, I

  • Understand liposuction they screw that up. You can put on a shirt, right?

  • There's no shirt for your face

  • What do they [think] they're fooling but this stupid you know and then you [lied] yourself?

  • I'm just gonna do that you can do this just kidding just kidding you can have this done

  • No, you're not you know what you you're just gonna wax the fender on your car

  • And [that's] it the rest of it [look] so shitty for me. [where'd] you see the hood maybe a through the back?

  • That's out happens. You look like one of those real housewives Lee face all twisted up

  • Fucking idiots hey do I look bad idiot?

  • Don't look like I'm in my 20s. No you look weird you look fucking

  • weird

  • You still look like you're in your 50s. I just can't guess what year anymore because I've never seen that year

  • I've never seen that shiny fucking look. It's almost like you discovered a new age between 52 and 53

  • Yeah

  • People there's nothing wrong with being 52 and looking 52 all right you 52 he didn't get fucked. Yeah

  • What would you rather be 52 and look 52? I'll be 52 and look like a 28 year old lizard

  • That's your option at this point

  • It was really really like actually embarrassing is that the facelift that's predominantly a white problem

  • You notice that I've never seen a black person with a facelift ever

  • Other than I like the Jacksons, but they're all out of their minds, right

  • [cuz] [a] dad made him rehearse all day [and] sleep on the fireplace

  • Like jamming on the [Yeah-heah] [Bastok]. No hugs no kisses

  • His face permanently twisted out from 50 years of screaming saying [motherfucker]

  • It's understandable with them

  • And you know why so many whitey [sneed] faceless? I love that word. I'm trying to bring it [back] I

  • Love it. It's funny what?

  • You know what do you want? So many caucasians need faceless cuz we don't know about lotion

  • [it] only half of you laughs that should have been everybody

  • Yeah, but a lot of you was sitting there like well, what a Bob Lowe's

  • What is this lotion you speak of and what is the Magic Gary?

  • Just to put it out there you can use lotion on other parts of your body besides your dick

  • Yeah

  • You ever wonder why you did still looks Brand-new?

  • But the rest of you is starting to look like an aging pirate

  • [but] you need to increase the circumference of the lotion distribution. Oh

  • You got skin everywhere. [oh]

  • Check yourself out

  • bottom of your feet look like a prehistoric riverbed

  • That's not part of the natural aging process you dry it out

  • I'm not judging you

  • Not judging anybody

  • [I] don't know anything about lotion never use it the first 33 is my life never use it the one night

  • I was [going] out with this black girl, all right

  • She was getting ready, and she's just putting that shit on everywhere slap turn it on

  • Let's see how like a rash or something

  • Okay, I poison ivy. [I] [don't]

  • [know] just making [sure] that a she

  • Is it a she?

  • She goes dry skin

  • knowing Mom [I]

  • Guess I freaked her out a little bit. I [was] like ah

  • See they were white people get ashley - I was like [yeah], you know I don't think we go

  • I'm gonna live for 33 Years known as episode. She

  • And I heard that word until you said it

  • Feels like you're an idiot stick out your arm

  • So I stick out my ramen ever so gently she just drives her nails down the slope starts coming up

  • It's like pastry pike's flying off track marks [signing] her name

  • Pickasee that she possessed a shit your action freaked me up like oh shit. Oh, man, I

  • Didn't know anything about it. All I knew was that. I always got itchy in the winter

  • [I'm] trigger now. [I] always get into the er with a fuck to make it itchy [I] thought it went the [bastile] was dirty

  • That's what I thought, and I would change it down and put a fresh one now. I'm gonna be okay

  • Take a shower dry on fucking itching again damn. I hate the winner

  • See that that's why you got to hang out with everybody

  • Yeah, there's too much information in the world and every group of people misses a little bit

  • white people totally missed the lotion seminar at

  • Some point in history. I don't [know] it's because we can't see it. You know

  • Black people - she looks like they like leaned up against a chalkboard or something no I can see it

  • They miss it their friends [help] them out like let your ashy mother fucking elbow. What is wrong with you? Hey

  • We missed that shit the way black people missed the [hole] register your weapons summit

  • Just having that the information

  • You might [have] rappers who've been busted for the unregistered glock in the car. Just lost my mind

  • Like why would you do that to yourself? You just want to make an album over the phone? Is that what it is

  • And like [I] [knew] auto-tune - some shit, I don't know

  • Breaks my heart every time I see it. I just think God if he just had one white friend

  • Just had one white friend in his entourage who would've been sitting there going like nothing registered

  • You out of your mind

  • Legal looks like fucking three to five mandatory

  • [hoodie], I do not know that. That's the question. How do you not fucking know that?

  • unregistered weapon in the car that which is good if I'm driving around it just

  • ridiculous

  • See there you go all right. You [don't] need a facelift. Okay. Lay off the booze do some cardio

  • Moisturize you're Gonna be fine

  • They don't believe in these myths black. Don't crack. It's bullshit. They all put lotion on like every 20 minutes during [bakes] ridiculous

  • Don't get a giant oil drum of this shit at home every morning. They wake up

  • They dump themselves in it shake themselves off walk out the door absolutely glistening

  • listening

  • White guys like me you're walking around. No hat on let's go sailing

  • Passing out face [down] in the sand

  • Speaking of no booze a man I've been I've been really trying to clean up my act

  • As far as that booze and [pink] ghost just really been laying off it. You know I

  • Don't know what [his] fucking head gets big

  • If you get older you know you keep booze and you start getting that Big Alec Baldwin John Travolta head

  • And you know notice stuff is every day you're brushing your teeth, and you're seeing your head and just get a little bit bigger

  • Keep drinking, and [I'll] [have] another one [right] then one day

  • You're gonna take [that] cell phone picture

  • And you're just like [6] inches in front of everybody else. Don't think it's a big deal

  • Have you leaned in [cuz] you're feeling good right? Then I'll say look at the pictures like yeah

  • Like I got to lay off this ship

  • [somebody] trying to learn huh, we're not a fixed shit around the house

  • That's what's filling up all this time not just being sober

  • That's brutal dude. You have no idea. How long a year is until [you're] stone sober

  • [oh] fucking brutal some learn how to fix shit right my girlfriend doesn't like it because she says I have a temper

  • You know she's like you know, it's nothing

  • You're trying to fix things is that you get frustrated you punch the wall the dogs start shaking

  • [I] just don't think it's a good idea

  • You know you're a comedian you should tell jokes see the plumber. He should plumb right?

  • Trying to explain to her that losing your shit is part of the process of fixing something

  • right

  • Everybody does that you're fine, right? Yeah

  • To find something that I can you get halfway through putting it together you like through what a fuck is [a] fucking others. There's

  • But honey, I didn't see it. I

  • Didn't see it

  • Why don't you want to put it together?

  • You want to look at you work together you put together fucking particle board piece of fucking shit

  • structures make no sense [I]

  • Will buy another one. I will buy another one. [I'll] buy fucking five and smash for if I want to

  • Tell me what to do oh

  • Go to your mother's I don't give a shit

  • But [yeah], what story gonna tell this one right not the part of a high pale the fucking bells, right?

  • How was that uncalled for?

  • How was that uncalled for I wasn't even talking to you? I was talking to the fucking thing. I'm talking [to] the fucking thing I

  • Know what I said, I know what I said, [okay]. You don't need to tell me I know what I said yes, I

  • Am working on it. [I] am working on it. All right

  • Look look you think want to be this [damn]

  • [thing] gonna be the guy who flips out about the fucking tables. I don't okay

  • This is who I am this is who I became all right. I'm working [through] the shit

  • You have to speak well you do shit, [too]. Okay? You do shit -

  • Well, you look on your mother's

  • that's brutal [a]

  • [10-minute] Temper man's fucking embarrassing

  • You know I don't know I'm sick of women trying to girl have a date. So he's trying to fix me

  • It's annoying after a while. You know like you're not out [of] your mind with all your fucking shoes

  • [alright], what is that all about?

  • I'm sick of this hypothetical perfect guy go get him go down to applebee's let me know what you find

  • Hey, dad. I'm working. I'm trying you go down and you get this Mr.

  • Even-keeled all the time with his little fucking sport coat, right?

  • You live with that guy for a while. You know hey, honey. I'm [home] are

  • Well traffic was crazy almost lost it, but they're gonna add that book on tape all right

  • Gulliver's travels always a classic always [a] classic

  • That's the guy you want straight across the board

  • Even in the bedroom, right?

  • Always making love to you missionary style. I love you your hair is like an ocean

  • Never know when you like to be flipped over and have your face mushed into the pillows fucking psycho, right?

  • She's right

  • She's always right [I]?

  • Do I gotta work on it? I hate having a temper you [know] I don't know if it's hereditary

  • I don't know if it's part of the country I'm from I've always snapped

  • You know my dad was like that my dad's the greatest dude. I ever met my life

  • He had a temper [any] time anything broke in the house

  • Five minutes into fixing it. He was bitching about his marriage

  • Hilarious if see some Bronco christ with you look at Dad

  • God [dammit], don't give me that fucking screwdriver. I swear to God on the fuck ever got married for

  • 13 Goddamn years of this shit. I you're a bitch lady you better fish for years

  • Most guys will left by now most guys want to live by now

  • It was one of his catchphrases most guys would've left by now, and you don't know [fucking] look you got it lady

  • Yeah, when I was a kid. I thought it was nuts

  • Then I got older you don't started dating. I [realized] it's guys make a lot of [boys]

  • It's not expressing them [in] the healthiest of ways I

  • Gotta be honest Al [qaeda]. I'm kind of like jealous the way my dad gets to talk to my mom sometimes

  • You know where are all those old-school women you can just take your day out on [yeah]

  • Where [do] they stop making those Angels who?

  • Just knew it had nothing to do with them. They just sit there let you blow out the lines, right?

  • What a luxury

  • Right to fail all day. You come home and download all [your] insecurities on this other person

  • How is your day out of fuck was your day?

  • Make a distinction

  • Think these kids away from me. Give me a goddamn drink. I'll with the tears

  • then the bra-burning

  • Generation came in right now you sit there and listen to their stories [all] the time [oh]

  • It's the worst it was the worst is when they're telling you a story you want to listen

  • But what's what? They're talking about, you can't even retain it

  • So I'm supposed to go out to lunch with Jennifer. I'm already through that I show up

  • She's there with Susan she knows. I hate susan. I look like shit Susan's been going to the gym

  • I mean at that point your head is like a newborn baby. You're on

  • old enough

  • You can't even if you're trying to pay attention

  • You can't then you [just] start staring at their mouth after a while like I can't believe it keeps coming out. This is fucking unbelievable

  • Harry I start to fade not

  • Start thinking about your own life right, but I take Nebraska give it 28 the fuck is wrong with me

  • It's Anna [Wiggin] [Ellison] her boys. Go hanny it goes up right, and it look a fuck that was a question

  • All right now. What do you do?

  • Can't say yes, you can't say no you better come with something neutral [in] with the fucking edge. Oh there you go

  • What it is you put one foot from the other end? Are you have time adjustments? I got nothing

  • I don't want to make my dad sit out like a psycho [man] my dad's the best dude. I know man, but you know I

  • Understand enough yeah, he's like the exact opposite of me

  • You know I planned out [my] life a little more right. That's why I never got married

  • Never thought about getting married it just looked horrific

  • It looked really difficult. It looked like a lot of them failed

  • Then if you had a kid you have that whole weird situation, right?

  • You got this thing that half looks like you half looks like somebody used to love and now I want to slap the shit out

  • of right

  • Kids coming up to the walk. He likes. I just look to the right over let me just stay cheap [a] dad

  • I want to look at you

  • Brutal

  • But that was the exact opposite

  • Fell in love [got] married to start having kids [had] five kids by the time. He was [thirty] [three]

  • Preapre pre, Dr.. Phil breed chicken soup for the holy fuck. I got five kids. I mean who I am yet

  • The pressure of that eating all those kids man. I'm telling you every three four days

  • He we just snap just snap out of nowhere. You know can you pass the salt is?

  • Bullshit oh, we slam the door at the car in third gear by the time they got to the end of the driveway fuck up

  • My mother would always do the exact same shit. Just lock the door behind him turn around look at the kids and just be like

  • Hey, he's just crazy just a crazy person

  • What is wrong with him?

  • Eight hours later. He show up. No apology she got dinner ready

  • She messed it up. He give her a real time price. You cook that shit out of it

  • I think I'll be a good dad. No. You know I do

  • He'll analyze it. I don't think [I've] actually cut finally come to the point

  • I won't have a kid and I don't think it's that hard

  • I don't

  • Part of me really believes that the other part is I just like pissing off people with kids

  • You know whatever you say shit like that all do you have no idea how difficult it is

  • This is a great one to say well. I mean, I got a dog I mean yeah. I'm a sifu

  • You can't even fucking compare we cook though. Yeah, I can I just did and I'll do it again

  • [mais] got four legs yours only has two

  • Yours bite someone who gets a timeout mine gets put down

  • steak some Race I

  • Think I know I think I know how to raise a kid here

  • [it] is you just you just play catch with them like that's the big deal man

  • That's how you raise a kid you play catch with them. You just talk about life. You distract them. I throw on the ball

  • They don't even notice you're filling their heads up with your theories

  • right

  • You know to it the old school way to put away your parents used to sit down across me. You Wanna

  • Tell me what [you] day

  • Anybody off you ain't dropped you learning about sex like you're fucking freaking me out. I

  • Need a pop chart here, right?

  • Hey, just taking the back you play catch with them

  • Let's say talk about life right? What's that son? Yeah? We're not going to church today. Fuck that

  • That's all a bunch of bullshit. God's everywhere

  • But I got to go down there to see him really and he's mad at me down there. I want your money. Go fuck yourself

  • Thank you

  • in here like

  • It's not that it's in here

  • they try to take it it stands in you do something good you feel good you do something [bad] you feel bad you know [what's]

  • Like a sociopath and you'll feel shit

  • now

  • But you got somebody duct-taped upside down in your apartment. You know if you do something like that

  • [I] want you to feel like you can come to me. Yeah

  • Yeah, come to me confess all of that will go down the precinct will tell them everything

  • I'm gonna turn you in this isn't fucking dexterity at your money

  • Feel good serial killer walking around [he] kills them the bad people

  • Listen I know your mother and I we've been arguing a lot lately [alright], but I know you know you know

  • I love her. I [love] her to death okay, it's weird

  • I love it at death, but when I watch her eat toast I just want to I just want to choke [I]

  • Know where this it's like the routine right left in the middle just watch [you] just fold in half and fucking eat it. I mean

  • It's unreal you

  • [know] that's that that's when you know you know you met the right one

  • When you want to slap the shit out of him, but you don't

  • Know you want to leave, but you don't did something about him you just can't fucking leave, right?

  • So don't sell down to you meet one like that. That's that's when you know

  • Till then you know put a condom on you know just bang as many as you can

  • So you don't have a midlife crisis. That's what you do. Don't tell your mother. I'm telling you this shit

  • oh

  • Yeah, that's [the] [same] [flame] I

  • Don't I do have a dog that doesn't count for anything

  • I've never understood that

  • you know I love my dog, but uh

  • I've learned a lot on being a dog owner around you know any dogs a good dog unless you're a psycho

  • You know I get a pit bull. It's still a great dog unless you're a fucking psycho and evidently

  • I'm a psycho because my dog has been up to spend a complete maniac

  • Over the last like six months you know I didn't realize that dogs feed off your vibes

  • You know like if you're chilling there chilling. You know if you are sleeping [there] sleeping, but if you're a psycho like me

  • And you're screaming at the ref on TV. Be like dude

  • you got [to] be fucking Chuck Berry [I] didn't realize the dog was over in the corner being like a

  • fucking kid

  • This is bullshit

  • I don't know what this guy's mad at but I love this guy this guy faith faith is it the door

  • Are you mad at the door?

  • Yeah, I had no idea was amping this dog up so selfishly in my own world

  • I'd be like on the [computer] would crash and go all really really dogs over in the Corners like a chew toy

  • I

  • Never noticed like that game seven [looks]. She was getting on her face and one day

  • I answer up too much had no clue and I went outside. We were just walking down the street and some poor bastard comes

  • The other way, it dogs like that's that motherfucker

  • Yeah

  • Lunge this guy had to pull a bag I thought oh, sorry man, sorry

  • She's never done. Anything like that right looking down the dog. What's wrong with you dogs looking up kneeling, huh?

  • [I] got this some of this tonight. I don't do you feed me

  • I got you. How the hell did you see him that far away man? He is must be better than mine. It's unbelievable

  • All right

  • Then I got nervous. [I] got nervous around my own dog. I started thinking fuck a pit bulls really like this

  • Did he just go psycho man? This is nuts, right?

  • That's another bad vibe to have around your dog [cuz] they pick up on that vibe, right?

  • This news comes walking down the street. Amelia's just start thinking [like] oh shit. [she's] gonna do it again. [oh] shit

  • Oh shit. [dawn]. Just looks at me like oh shit. What bullshit what him?

  • [gotta] pull it back jesus by some sorry looking down the dog dogs trying to [chest-bump] me and shit [fight]

  • It got so bad one day she [own], but she almost ate a landscaper, right?

  • Yeah, so I'm like I got it

  • I [gotta] take this thing to a trainer man, so I loaded up in the prius and I drive [over] there, right?

  • Yeah, I have a prius. Go ahead judge me I

  • Love that shit you have a prius people. You know you can't win

  • You got a truck with a big lift head people of I'm [agin]. He has a little dick

  • [alright], how come a second gears there's a dick down to the floor. Maybe that's why he needs all that clearance, right?

  • Gal

  • If that means you have a little dick than if I have a prius does that mean I have a huge dick hi

  • Cuz according to my friends it means I'm a fag, right

  • anyways

  • We towel off here for [a] moment

  • so I fucking take this dog down to

  • This trainer right now show up got the dog in the back train comes out has hat on backwards and gets tumble

  • You know big large Cargo pants, you know?

  • All shorts on and stuff. I'm taking this guy's a psycho right now

  • Look at my dog my dogs like sizing him up for my just perfect

  • He can handle some guy goes right when you hand this dog to me make sure [you] got the least totally [taut] like that alright

  • Don't have any slack [in] it no problem, right and somehow I fucked up

  • [I] left a little slack in it this dog

  • Just lunge right at the dudes balls right just barely missed them and gets got a big mouthful of his big cargo shorts

  • Right immediately just practicals alright get [out] [of] here get out of here right, but instantly I tried to help out you supposed to fuck

  • Yeah, I didn't realize [that] the [only] reason why the dog was acting like that was because I was there and it felt like it

  • Needed to protect me [so] [the] second

  • I left the situation immediately just became awkward right dog was Justin in like

  • Okay, like I thought

  • Oh, you like together and we were like friends

  • And you with some bad guy and all of a sudden [just] go away, and I gotta feed myself. You only get friends

  • Yeah, come back four days later dogs lain at the guys feet right? He's robbing her belly

  • She's reaching up playing with his goatee and shit

  • He goes right hey rabbit have a seat

  • Why don't you wear when she want to take me through your [dad] with this dog?

  • Immediately [I] started getting like this first 48 [5] right?

  • Like they're coming at me

  • So I got like defensive like oh you leave I take it for a hike every morning because that's good

  • That's good anything you know special happen on [the] [hike] like well, you know general she takes a shit [I] pick it up

  • Say all right easy

  • You play any games with or I go yeah at the end of the hike

  • I let her. I let her you know for reward for going on the hike

  • I let her run up the stairs by herself. I got one cleo

  • I went around the stairs and I count five

  • [1000] and then I run up there then we start wrestling her in a headlock sweep the front legs [alright]

  • But a tails waggin, you know she's my prowling I go. That's a good thing right? He's like no, it's fucking horrible

  • I'm like why he goes you just taught your dog to claim the house and then fight for [it] every

  • fucking day after the hike

  • No wonder this safes trying to attack the mailman. You know

  • So then I [gots] [a] [mic] wait a minute. You're telling me like I can't even play with my dog. He's like

  • No, you can play with it

  • But you got to bring that energy back down

  • Problem is as you keep amping this thing up getting it mike singletary look on his face

  • And by the time you walk out doesn't matter if you're relaxed

  • Mentally the dog is like walking through the tunnel at the Rose Bowl like this is what we play for

  • somebody hit somebody

  • [death] so I'm actually learning to control my temper because of a fucking pit bull, so

  • [I] don't know my girl's been bugging me lately. She's ready to settle down. I think I'm ready to settle down, [too]

  • You know I got the one I know I've been saying this shit for years I

  • [have] [it]. You know she's great. The only thing. I don't like is she [gosh] she's really into reality TV

  • She watches all those dumb shows put 10 whores in a house

  • Somebody tries to find a wife right she watches fat people cry about fun chuckles

  • [blubbering] their [eyes] [are] [some] tyson on you and open the wrapper

  • [I'm] just starting I [can] [tell] you mistaken and I should start cuz it's made out of one

  • Just sit crying right along with them. Yeah throw yourself in the river. [you're] fat fuck I

  • Should get so mad at me

  • Look, I don't put on TV to cry. [I] like to be entertained

  • [I] love when they fall on the treadmill and go flying into the drywall

  • Like some Modern-day medieval weapon. I love it

  • All those horrific Show's biggest fights. We have she watches I intervention doesn't know that yeah, that's energy like that

  • [oh] my God, it's so awesome

  • Watching [a] family completely fall apart

  • What is entertaining about that when they had that classic before picture the pre mess picture? She was so beautiful

  • she was the prom queen

  • Everybody loved her [and] they cut you were like laying in like a gutter. I'll suck it dick. I'll fuck you dick

  • [I'll] fuck you dick

  • Now we have these huge battles

  • you know what the matter she [of] [agony] was

  • What time she was watching this show was like a poor excuse for the view they started talking about domestic violence?

  • Right for the nine Millionth time this year. They're talking about domestic violence. Just in case you know you [didn't] get the memo

  • You know evidently you know just some people didn't get it. It's not okay to slam your wife's head into the cupboard drawers

  • Because she didn't drive a can opener off properly now

  • It's gonna fucking rust, right?

  • How do you not know not to do that shit? They really have to keep talking about it. Who is like wife beaters watching

  • fuck

  • Now I get it up - Daisy, sweetheart here we go

  • oh

  • At the end of the hour they come to the logical conclusion feel like there is no reason [to] hit a woman

  • There's no reason to hit a woman

  • And I was just like really I could give you like 17 right [off] the top of my head

  • You can wake me from a drunken stupor. I could still give you like 9

  • Whoo there's plenty of reasons to hit a woman you just don't do it

  • But the cetera suggests that there's no reason

  • Through the level of ego behind that statement. Are you ever tating above the rest of us you're never annoying?

  • Women how many times have you [thought] about slapping up your fucking guy in the head this week

  • There you go

  • Everything he didn't do it, right?

  • Oh trust me nuts. Is there anything there's no reason really no reason. [how] about this you marry a girl you fall in

  • Love you buy her house you go to work every [day] paying off the house. You come home one day

  • She's banging the next-door [neighbour] hand you divorce papers

  • You're gonna move out sleep on a futon and still pay for that house that she's gonna stay in no reason

  • I'm not saying you should do it, but there's plenty of fucking [reason] and then Arc of a story

  • All right, that was a hypothetical

  • You want an actual story?

  • I'll give you one. I'll give you one. [hi] fuck top

  • My foot playing trump's trying to get my bass drum footage fastest out John Bonham's cuz I figure that's a good thing to focus on

  • 43 years of age never married no kids I figure this this is Gonna lead me to the light, right?

  • This is what I need to do

  • So I don't know what I did I

  • Felt like after y place like an hour afterwards I felt like a lily like there was some midget

  • Stabbing me in the bottom my foot right look at the lightning come out of the bottom my foot

  • So I did the typical guy [thing] like I'm not going to the hospital sleep it off be fine, right?

  • Next war I wake up my foots even worse. I gotta walk my crazy dog

  • It's not like I can't tell my foots killing me. So wake up. My girl. Go [Kita]. Sweet. [give] me a favor

  • Can you a favor kicking you off the boat for me?

  • Can [you] uh just take the shift you know I'll do your afternoon shift

  • You just do me a solid you do this for me, and she's like

  • You know I had a late like night last night. I'm tired. I have a big day. I just go fuck it

  • She goes, what do you mean [fucking]? It's like?

  • Why can't you just say no what he was gonna like waterboard me with like a 20 minute?

  • Explanation that eventually finds its way around - go fuck yourself just say no

  • I'm just limping out of the room. Whatever go back to bed. You got a big day, right?

  • Now I'm like limping down the street. I got like correct fucking bullshit dogs walking next to me

  • I

  • Gotta Admit I got a little childish [I]

  • Did I got a little challenge? You know? I'm just thinking about my relationship and like this this is the relationship

  • I'm in you just gonna do whatever the hell. You want to do right and fuck me, but I'm gonna do whatever hell

  • I want to do I feel like listen to my iPod on full blast walking around the house. That's what I'm gonna do

  • That's why I did [turned] it all the way up

  • And I just like my whole plan is to walk buyer like I didn't even know her

  • That was it she came down the hall. I just go stood her just walked right past her

  • Just trying to piss her off. I gotta tell you something worked like a charm

  • Worked like a charm

  • Yeah, hung my coat up turned around by the time

  • [I] turn around she's already yelling at me, but the music was so loud

  • Not only could I not hear it actually looked like she was singing the song that I was listening to oh

  • What a highlights to the relationship. [I] [knew] what you [sins] like whatever. I don't want to talk about it. Leave me alone

  • I'm going onto the computer right so I left over I sit down and [I'm] but notes to me. She's like now

  • We're gonna talk about this right now comes up, [ooh] [and] slaps the headphones off my head

  • [I] got a big I got big ears fucking heart

  • So like honey leave me alone

  • I don't want to talk about it put the headphones back on she comes right back up again

  • [who] slaps [them] [up] a little harder this time they spent halfway around my head?

  • Caveman Dna starts coming up

  • [talking] through my teeth honey. Leave me alone

  • Don't want to talk about it right put [him] on third [times] comes up

  • Putin slaps up right across the room and I snap like fine. You want to have a fight let's fucking have the fight

  • She's like we will discuss this later when you calm [down]

  • oh

  • Right there. I just wanted to roll her up on her yoga mat stuffer behind a couch

  • Just leave her there till she got thirsty come on. Let me out of here

  • I have a spin class you made your point. This is ridiculous

  • No, that's the thing

  • Really is that's the thing. I hate that saying. There's no reason obviously. [I'm] not saying they hit a woman you know

  • But saying there's no reason that's [it]. That's crazy

  • When you say there's no reason that kills any sort of examination as to how two people ended up at that [at] that place [you]

  • [say], there's no reason you cut out the [build-up]. You just left with the act. How are you gonna?

  • Solve it if you don't figure it out

  • Look, how awkward. It is in here right now. I?

  • Said you shouldn't hit a woman. I'm just saying how come you can't ask questions

  • You can only ask questions about what the guy did you can never ask about the woman why you said?

  • Why is that? What is that?

  • What is what [is] answering [write] me?

  • What does that make are you the idiot who got up halfway through the special grade event and you're like walking around?

  • Fucking had to ignore all of that

  • And now you're going to like yell out and not only that yells something that makes no fucking sense whatsoever

  • Answer hand at their hand [every]

  • [fucking] specialized though there's always one. Oh

  • It's right down the fucking middle

  • Talk about hitting women sweetheart. They think you just added another reason

  • Ship with her and she's open

  • Look I

  • Understand [Hittin] woman's a bad thing okay? Well yeah, how come you can't fucking ask questions

  • I just don't understand like I'm I got bit by a rattlesnake wouldn't you guys have some questions?

  • Right, how did it happen did you not see it? [where] you fuckin with it?

  • How did this Snake is so bad and almost killed you?

  • Firemen put on a fire they don't just drive away afterwards they [skip] through the Debris

  • How did it start isn't only red right?

  • Well, I realize I'm coming off pretty ignorant right about now. I realize that

  • Let me extend an olive Branch [son]. Okay. I realize that. There's some animal guys out there, okay?

  • Horrible guys, you know have a rough day at the factory come home tuna casserole [and] just start swinging [alright]

  • I'm not trying to say that those [people] don't exist. [I] realize they exist. They should be buried underneath the prison okay?

  • So if I can admit that ladies can you at least admit that every ass-kicking doesn't just fall out of the fucking sky?

  • Really?

  • Even [Lucky] has two minutes for instigating. Hey

  • They understand that some back and forth happened before that shit, you know

  • The Ordinance is every case is handled like that Rihanna won. Well

  • They [just] say the guy's a piece [of] shit fuck this guy bottle-blonde cinema gentleman they never ask anything about that

  • You know I'm not saying he should have done it, but I'm just saying

  • [say] it know in your heart of Hearts

  • What do you think was going down before that happened you think she was just sitting there going?

  • Oh my God master rubens. You want to get some [ice] [cream]?

  • oh

  • Well, maybe they were having some epic ending a relationship [freak], but some crazy shit was being said

  • Maybe she was screaming in his ear some crazy female shit. I got fuck all your friends. I don't give a fuck

  • Maybe that's why I sell my albums and you motherfucker

  • To be fair she could have [just] been sitting there [going]. I need a tissue. You keep those in the glove box

  • No, fuck that cuz you know this they never address how women argue which I think is [a] core of a lot of that shit

  • you know I got [ice] up the man like I never knew how women argued but after 20 years of

  • Losing every significant battle

  • In a relationship. I finally figured out how they argued I might tell you something. I'm sorry to turn this franchise around I

  • had begun a winning tradition

  • This is all they argue as far as I can tell all right if they're right they argue the point and they stay on point

  • And make sure you stay on point until you're down on your knees apologizing begging for forgiveness

  • All right, no problem with that totally respected. There's a thing if they're wrong they go rogue

  • They go off-road they start thinking of shit

  • You're sensitive about maybe you don't get along with your dad and in their head they can start concocting this evil statement

  • totally design this desperate hail-Mary attempt

  • To make you so fucking mad you just call him a cunt

  • What it is and cut trumps all the bullshit [naked] [discuss] the argument now

  • It's not about that one of the reasons. I call me a cunt, and then that's it you're in this room now, right?

  • My brown-nose my big thing is my big fear in life is to be that dude who grows old

  • You know [girls] old alone has like that basement apartment. Just screaming up at the younger couple turn it down

  • So I notice that in time. She was losing a fight

  • I don't know where she's [been] ice might just get it girls and be alone

  • [alright] move my shit

  • Next day, no, I'm in the kitchen. Washing dishes for the nice fucking time in a row

  • This is what the argument was about [I] was so right. What happened?

  • so if you learn anything from my ignorance tonight

  • Just know this next time you're in a battle with your beautiful woman your wife girlfriend, whatever and they start out of nowhere, okay?

  • [you're] winning, and they just start saying that crazy shit out of nowhere. Just know in that moment. You've won the fight, okay

  • All right, don't get mad Bob and we'd slit all of that shit. Maybe because you got a little dick just let that slide

  • Stay in the pocket of the argument

  • Okay, [it's] over the argument is over you've won. Just [taken] me and run out the clock all right

  • Yes, do it on the ropes little punch themselves out and then it even gets all this pSychology right back

  • At him well maybe we should discuss it later when you calm down

  • And they won't hook up with you for a couple of days who cares who cares you rub one out?

  • Rub one out like a man - champagne a victory

  • How [sadler] I finally learned to like keep my cool

  • [in] my relationship

  • Happened a couple years ago, right me and my girl had this big argument one day, right?

  • Actually, you know you guys want to hear something on here the about the time my girl punched me in the face

  • On her birthday money. You dumb one

  • This is what happened sweet but really honest the fight started like three months earlier

  • Second middle of March we're just driving around enough since she sees this clothing store. She's like oh my God

  • I didn't know they [had] one of those over here

  • We need to stop and go in there, so I fucking let's go in there I

  • Walk in immediately I see it's one of these stores. That doesn't have any chairs

  • [I] know what they're trying [to] [um] be standing right next to her [when] she likes something, I gotta buy it

  • [I] don't give a fuck

  • I'm not playing that I go over and I sit down underneath a mannequin got like the dress hanging in my head sir

  • You can't sit there. I don't give a fuck looks like I'm doing it looks like I'm doing it hi

  • So unbeknownst to me she finds some sweater that she likes right some ridiculously [price] like 400 bucks, or some shit like that, right?

  • So she knows it's not her birthday. No that crap. She can't ask me for it now. She's got to go into manipulation mode

  • What do I use? What do I use do I'd be sad wipeout do I use sex can't do that

  • You know what she went what she went with the little girl [right]? She just came out. She's just like

  • Mike, what's up? She's like saw something that I liked I

  • Just want to be like one. Why don't you fucking pay for?

  • But she goes over and she shows it to me right now like it's [40] [bucks]

  • She goes can you get it I go. [no] not doing that fuck that

  • Such a birthday stuff valentine's day. It's March like it. You're not the [saint] Patrick's take fuck out of here. I'm not doing it

  • So I want to happen. We're driving home it somehow

  • She manipulated the argument not that she asked for the sweater and not that I said no it was the way I said no, right

  • But in this huge argument got so mad by the time I got back to the house. I just told to get out

  • I'm driving away, so I just drove away in the priests

  • right

  • So so fucked up about I had to call my sister up right call her up to get [a] female perspective

  • She's laughing around cell phone you took all the bank you're an idiot I go

  • What do I do?

  • She doesn't [watch] you go back down to the store. [just] buy the sweater hold on to it

  • You give it to a few months later for her birthday. I'm like fucking genius

  • Genius [I] hate the pressure of the birthday all her friends. [yeah], why you get now?

  • Are you gonna get her fucking sweater bitch bam? That's it?

  • [Nice], I

  • Fast forward three months, it's her birthday, right? They don't lane at best. She wakes up

  • She want to go to some restaurant that night. She's like did you make the reservations?

  • [oh] my God made him yet, but [what] you know will be good right? She starts freaking out

  • Hey my [brecon], but do you need evening you didn't make the reservations. I'm like sweethearts a Tuesday in the middle of a recession

  • [I'm] sure

  • There's gonna be a table, right?

  • So she starts freaking out in the back of my head. I'm [like] I got this sweater. I'm good, right

  • So the more she yells at me the funnier it becomes to me, but like an asshole rather than laughing to myself

  • I sort of [snicker] out loud, right?

  • Sort of giggled a couple times and she just snapped like are you laughing at me? Hey?

  • You imagine me on my birthday?

  • [and] then the more she yelled the more I laughed the more I laughed and more she yelled

  • It was just this vicious fucking thing all the way up right till she got all the way the point

  • She was standing at the back door gone. You're gonna laugh at me at my birthday fuck you [boom] slams the door

  • Once down the stairs at that point. I'm literally in the fetal position

  • By dying happened walking towards the bathroom. [they] all sign here [books] came back up the stairs. I'm not gonna lie to you

  • I got a little scared [for] a second

  • My Dad was in my underwear was feeling vulnerable

  • She comes flying into the bathroom and the second. I saw her face. I knew she was Gonna

  • Hit me right, and I'm such an asshole

  • I actually have a game plan when a woman's gonna hit you but that's how many women I've pissed off in my lifetime

  • I actually know what's going down

  • But so it is most women their flavors all right less they had some sort of MMa training then you're on your own

  • You're probably going to catch a few right?

  • But most of the flavors most of right hands you got to guess overhand, right?

  • That's the first [thing] you got to guess you get down the pocket, right?

  • That overhand right comes in bang you catch that risk

  • Second the rice coming you know the left coming man, you catch that one. This is [a] crucial moment second

  • You got the right the next [then] you got the left immediately you got to step back, and you got to go like this?

  • she's Gonna try to kick you right in the balls and

  • [she] kicks you then you spin [him] around tuck your head down low because they will try to headbutt you

  • [then] he is just the way to your torso to slowly bring him down to the floor as you wish for sweet things

  • Oh look at the tiles remember you pick goes out. It goes so well with the wallpaper, right?

  • But she tricked me she came into the bathrooms you see invented this new punch. She didn't throw right she didn't throw a left

  • She came up this [two-fisted]. I called the light that the [frig] you later, right?

  • Caught me in the shoulder like in my appendix. It's a fucking plan like that. I was flying back into the bathtub

  • When I caught myself and she's all ready for me to take the bait and flip out. I didn't I just [remained] calm

  • [was] just a sweetheart. [I] think [you] need to go to work now

  • She's know what to do. She

  • just walked up I

  • Went down the car drove to work. I walked out in the kitchen. I got some cheerios sat down started [watching] Sportscenter

  • Fucking three minutes later also the phone rings [might] pick up the phone and just hear her gone, hi

  • okay, thinks that a little crazy a

  • Little Crazy [Gonna] split my head open. Oh, God dance club. I'm sorry. I'm just um yeah, I'm passionate. I'm pat

  • That's what they say when [they] start swinging. I'm passionate. I just have so much love for you. I

  • Try to cause you to have a seizure

  • I'm good at this I fuck up my personal life all the time [I]

  • Really? Do you know I'm afraid to get married man

  • Why would why wouldn't is and what man wouldn't be afraid to get married at this point?

  • You know look at Cokie look at the shit. He's going through right now

  • right guys getting a divorce

  • What's Gonna get seventy million bucks never hit a lamp in her life?

  • could anybody explain

  • These divorce settlements can anybody make sense of these fucking thing tiger [woods] wife two hundred fifty million dollars

  • She's a babysitter for [the] quarter of a billion fucking dollars

  • Somebody go ahead somebody explain justify it justify what when you cheated on her I don't give a fuck

  • Yeah, I don't give a fuck

  • He cheated on her great the relationships over right there Kobe cheated, right?

  • Shouldn't I ship that over right then?

  • When did she hang around like some jaded cop for three years trying to get a fucking pension [alright] get that ten years in I?

  • Don't know maybe that's too harsh

  • This shit bothers me man

  • Dude, there is an epidemic of gold-digging whores in this country

  • And every night. I put on the news and I'm waiting for someone to address it

  • Every night never see it. You know every night

  • I bring up gold-digging whores, and the whole crowd pulls back like I'm up here talking about bigfoot [all] [right]

  • Like I'm saying the Moon's made out of cheese [or] something

  • Talking about horse people they're everywhere

  • how many

  • How many more great men are gonna get chopped in half before we do something?

  • Why is it so quiet in here [ah]?

  • Damn, I don't get it. What is it is women? Do you think I'm calling you?

  • I'm gonna call any woman here a whore okay, so don't pull back that's not fair. Okay. If you're grown up wifebeaters

  • I wouldn't like pull back I get it

  • This guy's hitting women they need to be stopped. We got understand that gold-digging whores are the [wifebeaters] for men

  • Yeah, they are except we don't have that Rianna want the photo in the end so it's not obvious

  • in the [eyes]

  • then the lines in your face

  • It's in [Mel] [Gibson's] high-pitched voice on the answering machine. I had to give up my leg or tickets, right?

  • Then it's the sound of a man being [taken] for everything. He's got [I]

  • Gotta tell you this I'm envious of women okay, not saying your problems get solved but at least it taken seriously

  • you know

  • Pick me that 1-800 numbers you get yet yet Ribbons. There's groups

  • people give a shit

  • Anything happens to a guy's just considered funny

  • Some woman cut a husband's dick off threw in the garbage disposal turn it on

  • People thought it was hilarious there, and hey stupid nobody cares

  • [another] guy removed a woman's titty and throw in the dryer anybody would be joking [about] the next day

  • The entire country, we're trying to a halt would be a moment of silence

  • The NFL would have some special colored headband everybody had [to] wear for an entire month

  • the most of Feminine color they could possibly come up with

  • All my heroes going down

  • Arnold Schwarzenegger another great man

  • nuther Kreitman

  • taken down by that gold-digging whore of a man he's got

  • and I'm not I'm not saying he's not a piece of shit for doing what he did it was a piece of shit move but

  • How come only he got chastised what about the mate? Why would she called the maid than that entire story?

  • She was never called a whore ever

  • Just boggles my mind

  • She knew his wife first-name basis played with their kids fucked her husband in their own goddamn bed

  • That's right down the checklist [first-ballot] hall of fame whore right there

  • Never why do you think she hooked up with them because of that 1987 flattop. He's still rockin

  • Changed space between his teeth I can put this my car through

  • Baby, it's all like kindergarten caught money later on the goddamn bedroom

  • That's awful. It's a horrific thing to see is a guy watching guys go through that shit. You know and then there's no

  • There's no sort of examination of it. They disguise an idiot a stupid

  • That guy's stupid if that guy's stupid, what the fuck am I right?

  • this even makes sense

  • Why would you do that? Why would you accomplish all [that] and then fuck it up?

  • Hooking up with one of the ugliest human beings I've ever seen in my life

  • Not [saying] him a prize. I'm just saying you know

  • It's gotta be something Beyond that right

  • You know I think it is I think comes down to the way he talks you [know] wow

  • Guys guys that don't should be unloading trucks in Transylvania

  • That should be they [should] have been the height of his success

  • But because he's a great man he had the balls to move to America

  • Became famous for lifting weights. I lift weights nobody gives a shit

  • Heelys [wait], [oh]

  • become Super famous

  • Did he rest on his laurels? No next challenge? I'm gonna become an actor despite the fact nobody can really understand me

  • Against all odds he starts making movies get down. There's a bomb get out of there

  • Because one of the biggest Blockbuster stars of all time

  • What are you gonna? Do next Arnie? I think I'm barely a kennedy. There's no fucking way you can do that, baby. Does it?

  • Cherry on top. [I'm] running for governor of a state I can't even pronounce and he wins the election

  • Why wouldn't this guy think he couldn't bang his maid in his own bed and get away with this

  • This dude has been in the zone for over four [decades]

  • for decades

  • nothing, but Nick

  • I made in my own bed, [too]. That's a lamp you serious. I had a hit for you with the midget

  • [I] don't even need a condom

  • right

  • And then what happens to smoke clears

  • Then all these trolls come out of the woodwork and start judging this great man

  • All these fatties these fucking old guys who never got any with their child

  • Coming on TV. Absolutely

  • We reprehensible behavior

  • What time of a public servant [is] [levicy] good?

  • Like they have any idea what it's like to be tempted at that level right?

  • Like they have groupies as they waddle out to them mercury tracer

  • Parked on [the] other side of a dumpster really you're beating them off

  • This guy he's got a great man. Any more terminator doesn't count [I] said what the fuck he telling me

  • Cuz he fucked alice really he's still in a great man because he did that and that's the whole thing's over

  • Anybody here think they could move to austria learn the language become famous for working out then be a movie star

  • then marry into their royalty in a whole public office

  • How many lifetimes would you need I'm on my third attempt at Rosetta Stone Spanish, right?

  • How can I judge these guys I can barely handle the temptations of Facebook? I'm a judge Tiger Woods I

  • Don't mind a walk off the 18th hole there's a busload of scandinavian women way to fuck my brains out sorry ladies

  • Go along to the wood right

  • That kills me

  • And there's no help out there [for] guys

  • There isn't there's nothing out there to help you handle [becoming] rich and famous

  • There's nothing to prepare you for that for that platoon of whores

  • That's gonna form on [Horizon], right like braveheart

  • Faces painted skirts off run down the hill to jump on your deck in front of your wife. They don't give a shit

  • It's not even a handbook out there I

  • Saw one article written about it on time the cover of time magazine

  • Is that one is so many rich famous and powerful men act like absolute pigs right and the article is actually written by a woman

  • That's like me writing a book the third trimester and what to expect

  • ladies, you're Gonna feel a pressure I

  • Know what?

  • I know you [don't] to hear that from me right then why is this woman telling me what it's like to have a dick

  • It makes no sense

  • You have no idea [what] it's like to have a dick

  • 24/7 do it do it fuck it do it. That's what it's safe. Do it do it. Yeah, do it I?

  • Thought we survived as a species a man in here is programmed to fuck

  • 85% of the women in this room

  • right

  • Yeah, we are doing good fucking do it. No. It's just that you won't that's the only reason why we don't you know

  • That's not you keeping your dick in check. You know some guy at Home Depot working there

  • He wants to fuck just as many women as a celebrity [right], but he can't do it because whores. Don't care about lumber, right?

  • [with] the second he hits the fucking lottery all the sun you know that do it do it fucking do it

  • You know that wasn't affecting his life now [else] on these horse show. I'll do it. I'll suck it. I'll do it right

  • Now summers good somebody's got to step up

  • All right, I'm ready to blame it horse really

  • Just guys were fucking idiots. What are we doing?

  • Why are we working so hard and then giving it all the way to some chicken did three shifts at a fucking [hooters], you know?

  • [the] fucking bums sitting [there] with fucking dorito dust in their cleavage walking around with hundreds of millions [of] dollars

  • I'm sick of this yeah, that's what the law says hundred years ago

  • I could beat you with a fucking mop handle good fuck the law says let's make us right now

  • It's unreal and all this shit's going [down], and we don't wait. We're not doing anything

  • What are we doing same old shit sitting around watching Shark week [alright]?

  • Watch a shit about poisonous snakes half a world away. Just filling your head up with all these useless information

  • What to do if it comes face-to-face with a bengal tiger don't look at it. Don't look away

  • Slowly back up as you push your friend forward right? Oh

  • this useless information

  • Yet hang it between your legs is this thing that could crumble your entire employer?

  • Seven minutes or less don't know a fucking thing about it

  • Even worse you think it's your friend

  • Yeah, you know why get your dick your dicks like a dreamer. You know your dick believes. It's like a motivational speaker I

  • Don't give a shit what question you ask it. It's always like yeah, yeah, absolutely

  • Sounds like a plan exit strategy later. We'll be fine

  • Where's your dick when you get caught right? Then it's just slumped over those that I do

  • We have to know that dude you did your dick was a third-base coach. It wouldn't hold anybody up. It's the fucking waving people around

  • Everybody who ain't standing up you got it you [got] it. I'll [show] [you] she comes slides, right?

  • What are you guys? We're awesome. Thank you so much for coming

  • Thank you

ladies and Gentlemen Bill burr

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比爾-伯爾你們都是一樣的人 2012年｜比爾-伯爾脫口秀演員史上最強喜劇演員 (Bill Burr You People Are All The Same 2012 | Bill Burr Stand Up Comedian Ever)

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    abovelight 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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