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ladies and Gentlemen Bill burr
all right [soon] yeah, I
Want to get a gun I?
Told him. I really do I never had that feeling before so I moved out to Los angeles
The city just messes with your mind. You know so but populated, technically doesn't have a water supply
Right the dollars crashing shit keeps you up at night. You [just] [thickened] what am I doing the SAmba scum. I?
Start reading up on shit get some powdered [food] plant some zucchini
Get a Windmill
And that's all well and good
But if you don't know how to fight all you're doing is gathering supplies for the toughest guy in the block
Right [think] about that what am I gonna? Do some dude turns me upside down starts shaking the gold coins out of my pockets I?
[Gotta] get a gun
So I'm on the road right. I'm in Reno
great gun Town
Coming out in a little gun store, right come walk into some redneck down like a man
I don't want to get a gun like I hear you what you looking [for] what you want mossberg over on merit
357 Magnum right such rattling off all this gibberish
[all] right, [I] don't know shit. [I'm] trying to play it off. I feel like a bitch cuz I don't know anything about guns
Feels like what do we do here?
Hello, I'm in both honesty. I don't look dude. I know anything about guns they terrify me, but I'm worried about the zombies
Dudes, just like you need a shotgun
Shotgun man, it's got a good spread
[Cz] the Low doesn't have a lot of working parts got a good spread. He kept saying that it's got a good spread
Like what does that mean you could love me you ain't gotta be too accurate
Get it good spread farther way you are and the more shit you it?
Got a good spread. Thank you got a problem over here. You now look at this room wow it
got a probably ready for
Anything no, it's even remotely a problem. Ain't there anymore trust me, and then these people here
They saw what you just did here. You ain't got a problem harry
Graves taking care of right there one shot these people get smart flipping over [wow], it's it's friends
Don't like laughs am I yourself I'm like dude look I just want to shoot the guy
I don't think do a bunch of drywall work. Yeah
Reframe my diploma get my parakeet another friend. Yeah, I
Just want to shoot the guy. I'm like [another] one. He's pistol. So he does like that classic like that redneck trailing off thing like
[I] know, I just [met] here corner here
It is shiny one
Feels like the what's wrong with getting a pistol you guys. I'll tell you what buddy cuz life life ain't a movie
You feel me
Like now can you please stop speaking and these backwards riddles?
Can you just say what you're saying I told you? I don't know shit about guns come on. Do me solid here with
Those look if you're watching movie kaka blah blah blau he keep kill sweet people real laughs man. You miss you, miss all fuckin time
You miss enough [fans], man you miles you're acting miles would you stand there with big Stapler here?
Man what you gonna? Do I was like well fuck it. Let's get the shotgun
He's [already] to box the thing up, and then I'm like wait [a] minute. I live with my girl
I can't [you] show up [with] [a] shotgun, [right]?
[that's] not some shit. You can just come home with I
Found this stool on the side of the road I can come on with this look at it. We we can refinish it
We can carve our initials today. We did a good time, right?
You show up with a shotgun. I got it for us I
Went Barrel for you one for me now
So see Kibosh is the whole thing
So the other night somebody broke into our car sitting in the driveway
Starts fucking with her head right so she starts reading up on guns
You know she's reading too much cuz now she wants to get one but she's just like well
I heard you got to keep the bullets in this day keep the stock in the garage
And then what then when I run around the house and assemble it if some dudes chasing me with an axe
They don't even thinking this thing through sweetheart running around with where's the stuff. It's in the living room in the living room
Forgetting this thing. I want that fucking thing loaded right on the bedroom wall right there. I'll put that into my gym gym sleep
Just like that
No, other point
That's funny though when you talk about getting a gun. You know people like they eat. It totally forward or completely against it
You [know] [either]. Go nuts and start screaming, right?
They start sawing off those stats actually you increase your chances of getting shot by 80% your second you get a gun in the house
Really what cuz I'm going to load it and shower with it like
The fuck I know it's dangerous
You're gonna pull in your backyard [you'll] immediately increase your odds of drowning in your backyard
You couldn't do that before now. You step on a rake and you go
No telling you. I don't buy any of that shit
Stats are so fucking stupid now
Now that this stupid. It's the way people apply them you're any of your mind made up
And then you go - I'm right calm you start memorizing a bunch of shit, and [you] [try] just throw it up at people
Guy trying to get me to go Scuba diving [like] I'm not going. I don't want to get Eaten by a shark
[he's] like well actually 90% of shark attacks actually happened in Shallow water. It's like no shit. It's where the people are
No, the beach
90% of people are frolicking along the coastline
These people swim [into] Europe [Gonna] [Iceland] your pussies
But actually I actually like Los angeles one of the few east coast people that likes it all my [moron]
New York friends and Boston friends that come out there try to get a good slice of pizza at 4:00 in the morning
They can't boys fucking play sauce
It's not it's like exactly where I left. What's the point of traveling if it's Gonna be different?
So fucking stupid get a burrito and go on a hike [what's] wrong with you
You're gonna go to Hawaii. There's no pause hockey. Just place socks [I]
Got to admit the only thing that freaks me out
About Los Angeles is all a plastic surgery. I don't get it
Why do people [get] plastic surgery you know why can't you just admit? It's over
You know you had your time stop trying to look fuckable in your 50s
Weird their faces yank back look at all shiny, right?
Not to mention they haven't even figured enough
You know why would you get a facelift? Can't you look at other facelifts and realize they haven't worked all the bumps out yet?
Like that's what you want to look like like you just lost the fight three days ago
Don't be a hero [let] somebody else go in there take the fucking beat you you lay back
Wait it out
[they're] [just] lying to people. I know let's go. Let's go put a little ice on [it]
[we'll] [see] [in] a couple weeks. I take it easy
Jesus Christ, what the fuck up?
We followed every step did we miss something? Oh?
Oh, you're cheeky sweetie keys there you go there you go [olsen] recognizes start yelling all right. Take it easy
[you] gone [on] she's Gonna write shred everything shred it
Now you're nuts
You wait it out. Let him figure it out, then you're fucking going don't be a goddamn hero. You know
Look at hair plugs hair plugs. Don't look half bad now
So this guy the other night on TV. They got God it wasn't good this ten years ago. It's like. No, you don't
Ten Years ago when they were stapling ant legs to the top of people's heads
Go ahead your eyes would water looking at their hairline like it this
Soon and I see fights are
They still put you in like a headlock hold still you like a nail gun
Pull step guys would tap out after a row and a half fuck it. Okay shit
[you] wish you got hair plugs  years ago. Do you wish you got Polio 60 years ago?
What else is on [your] wish list sir?
Now you know fuck with your face
Understand liposuction they screw that up. You can put on a shirt, right?
There's no shirt for your face
What do they [think] they're fooling but this stupid you know and then you [lied] yourself?
I'm just gonna do that you can do this just kidding just kidding you can have this done
No, you're not you know what you you're just gonna wax the fender on your car
And [that's] it the rest of it [look] so shitty for me. [where'd] you see the hood maybe a through the back?
That's out happens. You look like one of those real housewives Lee face all twisted up
Fucking idiots hey do I look bad idiot?
Don't look like I'm in my 20s. No you look weird you look fucking
You still look like you're in your 50s. I just can't guess what year anymore because I've never seen that year
I've never seen that shiny fucking look. It's almost like you discovered a new age between 52 and 53
People there's nothing wrong with being 52 and looking 52 all right you 52 he didn't get fucked. Yeah
What would you rather be 52 and look 52? I'll be 52 and look like a 28 year old lizard
That's your option at this point
It was really really like actually embarrassing is that the facelift that's predominantly a white problem
You notice that I've never seen a black person with a facelift ever
Other than I like the Jacksons, but they're all out of their minds, right
[cuz] [a] dad made him rehearse all day [and] sleep on the fireplace
Like jamming on the [Yeah-heah] [Bastok]. No hugs no kisses
His face permanently twisted out from 50 years of screaming saying [motherfucker]
It's understandable with them
And you know why so many whitey [sneed] faceless? I love that word. I'm trying to bring it [back] I
Love it. It's funny what?
You know what do you want? So many caucasians need faceless cuz we don't know about lotion
[it] only half of you laughs that should have been everybody
Yeah, but a lot of you was sitting there like well, what a Bob Lowe's
What is this lotion you speak of and what is the Magic Gary?
Just to put it out there you can use lotion on other parts of your body besides your dick
You ever wonder why you did still looks Brand-new?
But the rest of you is starting to look like an aging pirate
[but] you need to increase the circumference of the lotion distribution. Oh
You got skin everywhere. [oh]
Check yourself out
bottom of your feet look like a prehistoric riverbed
That's not part of the natural aging process you dry it out
I'm not judging you
Not judging anybody
[I] don't know anything about lotion never use it the first 33 is my life never use it the one night
I was [going] out with this black girl, all right
She was getting ready, and she's just putting that shit on everywhere slap turn it on
Let's see how like a rash or something
Okay, I poison ivy. [I] [don't]
[know] just making [sure] that a she
Is it a she?
She goes dry skin
knowing Mom [I]
Guess I freaked her out a little bit. I [was] like ah
See they were white people get ashley - I was like [yeah], you know I don't think we go
I'm gonna live for 33 Years known as episode. She
And I heard that word until you said it
Feels like you're an idiot stick out your arm
So I stick out my ramen ever so gently she just drives her nails down the slope starts coming up
It's like pastry pike's flying off track marks [signing] her name
Pickasee that she possessed a shit your action freaked me up like oh shit. Oh, man, I
Didn't know anything about it. All I knew was that. I always got itchy in the winter
[I'm] trigger now. [I] always get into the er with a fuck to make it itchy [I] thought it went the [bastile] was dirty
That's what I thought, and I would change it down and put a fresh one now. I'm gonna be okay
Take a shower dry on fucking itching again damn. I hate the winner
See that that's why you got to hang out with everybody
Yeah, there's too much information in the world and every group of people misses a little bit
white people totally missed the lotion seminar at
Some point in history. I don't [know] it's because we can't see it. You know
Black people - she looks like they like leaned up against a chalkboard or something no I can see it
They miss it their friends [help] them out like let your ashy mother fucking elbow. What is wrong with you? Hey
We missed that shit the way black people missed the [hole] register your weapons summit
Just having that the information
You might [have] rappers who've been busted for the unregistered glock in the car. Just lost my mind
Like why would you do that to yourself? You just want to make an album over the phone? Is that what it is
And like [I] [knew] auto-tune - some shit, I don't know
Breaks my heart every time I see it. I just think God if he just had one white friend
Just had one white friend in his entourage who would've been sitting there going like nothing registered
You out of your mind
Legal looks like fucking three to five mandatory
[hoodie], I do not know that. That's the question. How do you not fucking know that?
unregistered weapon in the car that which is good if I'm driving around it just
See there you go all right. You [don't] need a facelift. Okay. Lay off the booze do some cardio
Moisturize you're Gonna be fine
They don't believe in these myths black. Don't crack. It's bullshit. They all put lotion on like every 20 minutes during [bakes] ridiculous
Don't get a giant oil drum of this shit at home every morning. They wake up
They dump themselves in it shake themselves off walk out the door absolutely glistening
White guys like me you're walking around. No hat on let's go sailing
Passing out face [down] in the sand
Speaking of no booze a man I've been I've been really trying to clean up my act
As far as that booze and [pink] ghost just really been laying off it. You know I
Don't know what [his] fucking head gets big
If you get older you know you keep booze and you start getting that Big Alec Baldwin John Travolta head
And you know notice stuff is every day you're brushing your teeth, and you're seeing your head and just get a little bit bigger
Keep drinking, and [I'll] [have] another one [right] then one day
You're gonna take [that] cell phone picture
And you're just like  inches in front of everybody else. Don't think it's a big deal
Have you leaned in [cuz] you're feeling good right? Then I'll say look at the pictures like yeah
Like I got to lay off this ship
[somebody] trying to learn huh, we're not a fixed shit around the house
That's what's filling up all this time not just being sober
That's brutal dude. You have no idea. How long a year is until [you're] stone sober
[oh] fucking brutal some learn how to fix shit right my girlfriend doesn't like it because she says I have a temper
You know she's like you know, it's nothing
You're trying to fix things is that you get frustrated you punch the wall the dogs start shaking
[I] just don't think it's a good idea
You know you're a comedian you should tell jokes see the plumber. He should plumb right?
Trying to explain to her that losing your shit is part of the process of fixing something
Everybody does that you're fine, right? Yeah
To find something that I can you get halfway through putting it together you like through what a fuck is [a] fucking others. There's
But honey, I didn't see it. I
Didn't see it
Why don't you want to put it together?
You want to look at you work together you put together fucking particle board piece of fucking shit
structures make no sense [I]
Will buy another one. I will buy another one. [I'll] buy fucking five and smash for if I want to
Tell me what to do oh
Go to your mother's I don't give a shit
But [yeah], what story gonna tell this one right not the part of a high pale the fucking bells, right?
How was that uncalled for?
How was that uncalled for I wasn't even talking to you? I was talking to the fucking thing. I'm talking [to] the fucking thing I
Know what I said, I know what I said, [okay]. You don't need to tell me I know what I said yes, I
Am working on it. [I] am working on it. All right
Look look you think want to be this [damn]
[thing] gonna be the guy who flips out about the fucking tables. I don't okay
This is who I am this is who I became all right. I'm working [through] the shit
You have to speak well you do shit, [too]. Okay? You do shit -
Well, you look on your mother's
that's brutal [a]
[10-minute] Temper man's fucking embarrassing
You know I don't know I'm sick of women trying to girl have a date. So he's trying to fix me
It's annoying after a while. You know like you're not out [of] your mind with all your fucking shoes
[alright], what is that all about?
I'm sick of this hypothetical perfect guy go get him go down to applebee's let me know what you find
Hey, dad. I'm working. I'm trying you go down and you get this Mr.
Even-keeled all the time with his little fucking sport coat, right?
You live with that guy for a while. You know hey, honey. I'm [home] are
Well traffic was crazy almost lost it, but they're gonna add that book on tape all right
Gulliver's travels always a classic always [a] classic
That's the guy you want straight across the board
Even in the bedroom, right?
Always making love to you missionary style. I love you your hair is like an ocean
Never know when you like to be flipped over and have your face mushed into the pillows fucking psycho, right?
She's always right [I]?
Do I gotta work on it? I hate having a temper you [know] I don't know if it's hereditary
I don't know if it's part of the country I'm from I've always snapped
You know my dad was like that my dad's the greatest dude. I ever met my life
He had a temper [any] time anything broke in the house
Five minutes into fixing it. He was bitching about his marriage
Hilarious if see some Bronco christ with you look at Dad
God [dammit], don't give me that fucking screwdriver. I swear to God on the fuck ever got married for
13 Goddamn years of this shit. I you're a bitch lady you better fish for years
Most guys will left by now most guys want to live by now
It was one of his catchphrases most guys would've left by now, and you don't know [fucking] look you got it lady
Yeah, when I was a kid. I thought it was nuts
Then I got older you don't started dating. I [realized] it's guys make a lot of [boys]
It's not expressing them [in] the healthiest of ways I
Gotta be honest Al [qaeda]. I'm kind of like jealous the way my dad gets to talk to my mom sometimes
You know where are all those old-school women you can just take your day out on [yeah]
Where [do] they stop making those Angels who?
Just knew it had nothing to do with them. They just sit there let you blow out the lines, right?
What a luxury
Right to fail all day. You come home and download all [your] insecurities on this other person
How is your day out of fuck was your day?
Make a distinction
Think these kids away from me. Give me a goddamn drink. I'll with the tears
then the bra-burning
Generation came in right now you sit there and listen to their stories [all] the time [oh]
It's the worst it was the worst is when they're telling you a story you want to listen
But what's what? They're talking about, you can't even retain it
So I'm supposed to go out to lunch with Jennifer. I'm already through that I show up
She's there with Susan she knows. I hate susan. I look like shit Susan's been going to the gym
I mean at that point your head is like a newborn baby. You're on
You can't even if you're trying to pay attention
You can't then you [just] start staring at their mouth after a while like I can't believe it keeps coming out. This is fucking unbelievable
Harry I start to fade not
Start thinking about your own life right, but I take Nebraska give it 28 the fuck is wrong with me
It's Anna [Wiggin] [Ellison] her boys. Go hanny it goes up right, and it look a fuck that was a question
All right now. What do you do?
Can't say yes, you can't say no you better come with something neutral [in] with the fucking edge. Oh there you go
What it is you put one foot from the other end? Are you have time adjustments? I got nothing
I don't want to make my dad sit out like a psycho [man] my dad's the best dude. I know man, but you know I
Understand enough yeah, he's like the exact opposite of me
You know I planned out [my] life a little more right. That's why I never got married
Never thought about getting married it just looked horrific
It looked really difficult. It looked like a lot of them failed
Then if you had a kid you have that whole weird situation, right?
You got this thing that half looks like you half looks like somebody used to love and now I want to slap the shit out
Kids coming up to the walk. He likes. I just look to the right over let me just stay cheap [a] dad
I want to look at you
But that was the exact opposite
Fell in love [got] married to start having kids [had] five kids by the time. He was [thirty] [three]
Preapre pre, Dr.. Phil breed chicken soup for the holy fuck. I got five kids. I mean who I am yet
The pressure of that eating all those kids man. I'm telling you every three four days
He we just snap just snap out of nowhere. You know can you pass the salt is?
Bullshit oh, we slam the door at the car in third gear by the time they got to the end of the driveway fuck up
My mother would always do the exact same shit. Just lock the door behind him turn around look at the kids and just be like
Hey, he's just crazy just a crazy person
What is wrong with him?
Eight hours later. He show up. No apology she got dinner ready
She messed it up. He give her a real time price. You cook that shit out of it
I think I'll be a good dad. No. You know I do
He'll analyze it. I don't think [I've] actually cut finally come to the point
I won't have a kid and I don't think it's that hard
Part of me really believes that the other part is I just like pissing off people with kids
You know whatever you say shit like that all do you have no idea how difficult it is
This is a great one to say well. I mean, I got a dog I mean yeah. I'm a sifu
You can't even fucking compare we cook though. Yeah, I can I just did and I'll do it again
[mais] got four legs yours only has two
Yours bite someone who gets a timeout mine gets put down
steak some Race I
Think I know I think I know how to raise a kid here
[it] is you just you just play catch with them like that's the big deal man
That's how you raise a kid you play catch with them. You just talk about life. You distract them. I throw on the ball
They don't even notice you're filling their heads up with your theories
You know to it the old school way to put away your parents used to sit down across me. You Wanna
Tell me what [you] day
Anybody off you ain't dropped you learning about sex like you're fucking freaking me out. I
Need a pop chart here, right?
Hey, just taking the back you play catch with them
Let's say talk about life right? What's that son? Yeah? We're not going to church today. Fuck that
That's all a bunch of bullshit. God's everywhere
But I got to go down there to see him really and he's mad at me down there. I want your money. Go fuck yourself
in here like
It's not that it's in here
they try to take it it stands in you do something good you feel good you do something [bad] you feel bad you know [what's]
Like a sociopath and you'll feel shit
But you got somebody duct-taped upside down in your apartment. You know if you do something like that
[I] want you to feel like you can come to me. Yeah
Yeah, come to me confess all of that will go down the precinct will tell them everything
I'm gonna turn you in this isn't fucking dexterity at your money
Feel good serial killer walking around [he] kills them the bad people
Listen I know your mother and I we've been arguing a lot lately [alright], but I know you know you know
I love her. I [love] her to death okay, it's weird
I love it at death, but when I watch her eat toast I just want to I just want to choke [I]
Know where this it's like the routine right left in the middle just watch [you] just fold in half and fucking eat it. I mean
It's unreal you
[know] that's that that's when you know you know you met the right one
When you want to slap the shit out of him, but you don't
Know you want to leave, but you don't did something about him you just can't fucking leave, right?
So don't sell down to you meet one like that. That's that's when you know
Till then you know put a condom on you know just bang as many as you can
So you don't have a midlife crisis. That's what you do. Don't tell your mother. I'm telling you this shit
Yeah, that's [the] [same] [flame] I
Don't I do have a dog that doesn't count for anything
I've never understood that
you know I love my dog, but uh
I've learned a lot on being a dog owner around you know any dogs a good dog unless you're a psycho
You know I get a pit bull. It's still a great dog unless you're a fucking psycho and evidently
I'm a psycho because my dog has been up to spend a complete maniac
Over the last like six months you know I didn't realize that dogs feed off your vibes
You know like if you're chilling there chilling. You know if you are sleeping [there] sleeping, but if you're a psycho like me
And you're screaming at the ref on TV. Be like dude
you got [to] be fucking Chuck Berry [I] didn't realize the dog was over in the corner being like a
This is bullshit
I don't know what this guy's mad at but I love this guy this guy faith faith is it the door
Are you mad at the door?
Yeah, I had no idea was amping this dog up so selfishly in my own world
I'd be like on the [computer] would crash and go all really really dogs over in the Corners like a chew toy
Never noticed like that game seven [looks]. She was getting on her face and one day
I answer up too much had no clue and I went outside. We were just walking down the street and some poor bastard comes
The other way, it dogs like that's that motherfucker
Lunge this guy had to pull a bag I thought oh, sorry man, sorry
She's never done. Anything like that right looking down the dog. What's wrong with you dogs looking up kneeling, huh?
[I] got this some of this tonight. I don't do you feed me
I got you. How the hell did you see him that far away man? He is must be better than mine. It's unbelievable
Then I got nervous. [I] got nervous around my own dog. I started thinking fuck a pit bulls really like this
Did he just go psycho man? This is nuts, right?
That's another bad vibe to have around your dog [cuz] they pick up on that vibe, right?
This news comes walking down the street. Amelia's just start thinking [like] oh shit. [she's] gonna do it again. [oh] shit
Oh shit. [dawn]. Just looks at me like oh shit. What bullshit what him?
[gotta] pull it back jesus by some sorry looking down the dog dogs trying to [chest-bump] me and shit [fight]
It got so bad one day she [own], but she almost ate a landscaper, right?
Yeah, so I'm like I got it
I [gotta] take this thing to a trainer man, so I loaded up in the prius and I drive [over] there, right?
Yeah, I have a prius. Go ahead judge me I
Love that shit you have a prius people. You know you can't win
You got a truck with a big lift head people of I'm [agin]. He has a little dick
[alright], how come a second gears there's a dick down to the floor. Maybe that's why he needs all that clearance, right?
If that means you have a little dick than if I have a prius does that mean I have a huge dick hi
Cuz according to my friends it means I'm a fag, right
We towel off here for [a] moment
so I fucking take this dog down to
This trainer right now show up got the dog in the back train comes out has hat on backwards and gets tumble
You know big large Cargo pants, you know?
All shorts on and stuff. I'm taking this guy's a psycho right now
Look at my dog my dogs like sizing him up for my just perfect
He can handle some guy goes right when you hand this dog to me make sure [you] got the least totally [taut] like that alright
Don't have any slack [in] it no problem, right and somehow I fucked up
[I] left a little slack in it this dog
Just lunge right at the dudes balls right just barely missed them and gets got a big mouthful of his big cargo shorts
Right immediately just practicals alright get [out] [of] here get out of here right, but instantly I tried to help out you supposed to fuck
Yeah, I didn't realize [that] the [only] reason why the dog was acting like that was because I was there and it felt like it
Needed to protect me [so] [the] second
I left the situation immediately just became awkward right dog was Justin in like
Okay, like I thought
Oh, you like together and we were like friends
And you with some bad guy and all of a sudden [just] go away, and I gotta feed myself. You only get friends
Yeah, come back four days later dogs lain at the guys feet right? He's robbing her belly
She's reaching up playing with his goatee and shit
He goes right hey rabbit have a seat
Why don't you wear when she want to take me through your [dad] with this dog?
Immediately [I] started getting like this first 48  right?
Like they're coming at me
So I got like defensive like oh you leave I take it for a hike every morning because that's good
That's good anything you know special happen on [the] [hike] like well, you know general she takes a shit [I] pick it up
Say all right easy
You play any games with or I go yeah at the end of the hike
I let her. I let her you know for reward for going on the hike
I let her run up the stairs by herself. I got one cleo
I went around the stairs and I count five
 and then I run up there then we start wrestling her in a headlock sweep the front legs [alright]
But a tails waggin, you know she's my prowling I go. That's a good thing right? He's like no, it's fucking horrible
I'm like why he goes you just taught your dog to claim the house and then fight for [it] every
fucking day after the hike
No wonder this safes trying to attack the mailman. You know
So then I [gots] [a] [mic] wait a minute. You're telling me like I can't even play with my dog. He's like
No, you can play with it
But you got to bring that energy back down
Problem is as you keep amping this thing up getting it mike singletary look on his face
And by the time you walk out doesn't matter if you're relaxed
Mentally the dog is like walking through the tunnel at the Rose Bowl like this is what we play for
somebody hit somebody
[death] so I'm actually learning to control my temper because of a fucking pit bull, so
[I] don't know my girl's been bugging me lately. She's ready to settle down. I think I'm ready to settle down, [too]
You know I got the one I know I've been saying this shit for years I
[have] [it]. You know she's great. The only thing. I don't like is she [gosh] she's really into reality TV
She watches all those dumb shows put 10 whores in a house
Somebody tries to find a wife right she watches fat people cry about fun chuckles
[blubbering] their [eyes] [are] [some] tyson on you and open the wrapper
[I'm] just starting I [can] [tell] you mistaken and I should start cuz it's made out of one
Just sit crying right along with them. Yeah throw yourself in the river. [you're] fat fuck I
Should get so mad at me
Look, I don't put on TV to cry. [I] like to be entertained
[I] love when they fall on the treadmill and go flying into the drywall
Like some Modern-day medieval weapon. I love it
All those horrific Show's biggest fights. We have she watches I intervention doesn't know that yeah, that's energy like that
[oh] my God, it's so awesome
Watching [a] family completely fall apart
What is entertaining about that when they had that classic before picture the pre mess picture? She was so beautiful
she was the prom queen
Everybody loved her [and] they cut you were like laying in like a gutter. I'll suck it dick. I'll fuck you dick
[I'll] fuck you dick
Now we have these huge battles
you know what the matter she [of] [agony] was
What time she was watching this show was like a poor excuse for the view they started talking about domestic violence?
Right for the nine Millionth time this year. They're talking about domestic violence. Just in case you know you [didn't] get the memo
You know evidently you know just some people didn't get it. It's not okay to slam your wife's head into the cupboard drawers
Because she didn't drive a can opener off properly now
It's gonna fucking rust, right?
How do you not know not to do that shit? They really have to keep talking about it. Who is like wife beaters watching
Now I get it up - Daisy, sweetheart here we go
At the end of the hour they come to the logical conclusion feel like there is no reason [to] hit a woman
There's no reason to hit a woman
And I was just like really I could give you like 17 right [off] the top of my head
You can wake me from a drunken stupor. I could still give you like 9
Whoo there's plenty of reasons to hit a woman you just don't do it
But the cetera suggests that there's no reason
Through the level of ego behind that statement. Are you ever tating above the rest of us you're never annoying?
Women how many times have you [thought] about slapping up your fucking guy in the head this week
There you go
Everything he didn't do it, right?
Oh trust me nuts. Is there anything there's no reason really no reason. [how] about this you marry a girl you fall in
Love you buy her house you go to work every [day] paying off the house. You come home one day
She's banging the next-door [neighbour] hand you divorce papers
You're gonna move out sleep on a futon and still pay for that house that she's gonna stay in no reason
I'm not saying you should do it, but there's plenty of fucking [reason] and then Arc of a story
All right, that was a hypothetical
You want an actual story?
I'll give you one. I'll give you one. [hi] fuck top
My foot playing trump's trying to get my bass drum footage fastest out John Bonham's cuz I figure that's a good thing to focus on
43 years of age never married no kids I figure this this is Gonna lead me to the light, right?
This is what I need to do
So I don't know what I did I
Felt like after y place like an hour afterwards I felt like a lily like there was some midget
Stabbing me in the bottom my foot right look at the lightning come out of the bottom my foot
So I did the typical guy [thing] like I'm not going to the hospital sleep it off be fine, right?
Next war I wake up my foots even worse. I gotta walk my crazy dog
It's not like I can't tell my foots killing me. So wake up. My girl. Go [Kita]. Sweet. [give] me a favor
Can you a favor kicking you off the boat for me?
Can [you] uh just take the shift you know I'll do your afternoon shift
You just do me a solid you do this for me, and she's like
You know I had a late like night last night. I'm tired. I have a big day. I just go fuck it
She goes, what do you mean [fucking]? It's like?
Why can't you just say no what he was gonna like waterboard me with like a 20 minute?
Explanation that eventually finds its way around - go fuck yourself just say no
I'm just limping out of the room. Whatever go back to bed. You got a big day, right?
Now I'm like limping down the street. I got like correct fucking bullshit dogs walking next to me
Gotta Admit I got a little childish [I]
Did I got a little challenge? You know? I'm just thinking about my relationship and like this this is the relationship
I'm in you just gonna do whatever the hell. You want to do right and fuck me, but I'm gonna do whatever hell
I want to do I feel like listen to my iPod on full blast walking around the house. That's what I'm gonna do
That's why I did [turned] it all the way up
And I just like my whole plan is to walk buyer like I didn't even know her
That was it she came down the hall. I just go stood her just walked right past her
Just trying to piss her off. I gotta tell you something worked like a charm
Worked like a charm
Yeah, hung my coat up turned around by the time
[I] turn around she's already yelling at me, but the music was so loud
Not only could I not hear it actually looked like she was singing the song that I was listening to oh
What a highlights to the relationship. [I] [knew] what you [sins] like whatever. I don't want to talk about it. Leave me alone
I'm going onto the computer right so I left over I sit down and [I'm] but notes to me. She's like now
We're gonna talk about this right now comes up, [ooh] [and] slaps the headphones off my head
[I] got a big I got big ears fucking heart
So like honey leave me alone
I don't want to talk about it put the headphones back on she comes right back up again
[who] slaps [them] [up] a little harder this time they spent halfway around my head?
Caveman Dna starts coming up
[talking] through my teeth honey. Leave me alone
Don't want to talk about it right put [him] on third [times] comes up
Putin slaps up right across the room and I snap like fine. You want to have a fight let's fucking have the fight
She's like we will discuss this later when you calm [down]
Right there. I just wanted to roll her up on her yoga mat stuffer behind a couch
Just leave her there till she got thirsty come on. Let me out of here
I have a spin class you made your point. This is ridiculous
No, that's the thing
Really is that's the thing. I hate that saying. There's no reason obviously. [I'm] not saying they hit a woman you know
But saying there's no reason that's [it]. That's crazy
When you say there's no reason that kills any sort of examination as to how two people ended up at that [at] that place [you]
[say], there's no reason you cut out the [build-up]. You just left with the act. How are you gonna?
Solve it if you don't figure it out
Look, how awkward. It is in here right now. I?
Said you shouldn't hit a woman. I'm just saying how come you can't ask questions
You can only ask questions about what the guy did you can never ask about the woman why you said?
Why is that? What is that?
What is what [is] answering [write] me?
What does that make are you the idiot who got up halfway through the special grade event and you're like walking around?
Fucking had to ignore all of that
And now you're going to like yell out and not only that yells something that makes no fucking sense whatsoever
Answer hand at their hand [every]
[fucking] specialized though there's always one. Oh
It's right down the fucking middle
Talk about hitting women sweetheart. They think you just added another reason
Ship with her and she's open
Understand [Hittin] woman's a bad thing okay? Well yeah, how come you can't fucking ask questions
I just don't understand like I'm I got bit by a rattlesnake wouldn't you guys have some questions?
Right, how did it happen did you not see it? [where] you fuckin with it?
How did this Snake is so bad and almost killed you?
Firemen put on a fire they don't just drive away afterwards they [skip] through the Debris
How did it start isn't only red right?
Well, I realize I'm coming off pretty ignorant right about now. I realize that
Let me extend an olive Branch [son]. Okay. I realize that. There's some animal guys out there, okay?
Horrible guys, you know have a rough day at the factory come home tuna casserole [and] just start swinging [alright]
I'm not trying to say that those [people] don't exist. [I] realize they exist. They should be buried underneath the prison okay?
So if I can admit that ladies can you at least admit that every ass-kicking doesn't just fall out of the fucking sky?
Even [Lucky] has two minutes for instigating. Hey
They understand that some back and forth happened before that shit, you know
The Ordinance is every case is handled like that Rihanna won. Well
They [just] say the guy's a piece [of] shit fuck this guy bottle-blonde cinema gentleman they never ask anything about that
You know I'm not saying he should have done it, but I'm just saying
[say] it know in your heart of Hearts
What do you think was going down before that happened you think she was just sitting there going?
Oh my God master rubens. You want to get some [ice] [cream]?
Well, maybe they were having some epic ending a relationship [freak], but some crazy shit was being said
Maybe she was screaming in his ear some crazy female shit. I got fuck all your friends. I don't give a fuck
Maybe that's why I sell my albums and you motherfucker
To be fair she could have [just] been sitting there [going]. I need a tissue. You keep those in the glove box
No, fuck that cuz you know this they never address how women argue which I think is [a] core of a lot of that shit
you know I got [ice] up the man like I never knew how women argued but after 20 years of
Losing every significant battle
In a relationship. I finally figured out how they argued I might tell you something. I'm sorry to turn this franchise around I
had begun a winning tradition
This is all they argue as far as I can tell all right if they're right they argue the point and they stay on point
And make sure you stay on point until you're down on your knees apologizing begging for forgiveness
All right, no problem with that totally respected. There's a thing if they're wrong they go rogue
They go off-road they start thinking of shit
You're sensitive about maybe you don't get along with your dad and in their head they can start concocting this evil statement
totally design this desperate hail-Mary attempt
To make you so fucking mad you just call him a cunt
What it is and cut trumps all the bullshit [naked] [discuss] the argument now
It's not about that one of the reasons. I call me a cunt, and then that's it you're in this room now, right?
My brown-nose my big thing is my big fear in life is to be that dude who grows old
You know [girls] old alone has like that basement apartment. Just screaming up at the younger couple turn it down
So I notice that in time. She was losing a fight
I don't know where she's [been] ice might just get it girls and be alone
[alright] move my shit
Next day, no, I'm in the kitchen. Washing dishes for the nice fucking time in a row
This is what the argument was about [I] was so right. What happened?
so if you learn anything from my ignorance tonight
Just know this next time you're in a battle with your beautiful woman your wife girlfriend, whatever and they start out of nowhere, okay?
[you're] winning, and they just start saying that crazy shit out of nowhere. Just know in that moment. You've won the fight, okay
All right, don't get mad Bob and we'd slit all of that shit. Maybe because you got a little dick just let that slide
Stay in the pocket of the argument
Okay, [it's] over the argument is over you've won. Just [taken] me and run out the clock all right
Yes, do it on the ropes little punch themselves out and then it even gets all this pSychology right back
At him well maybe we should discuss it later when you calm down
And they won't hook up with you for a couple of days who cares who cares you rub one out?
Rub one out like a man - champagne a victory
How [sadler] I finally learned to like keep my cool
[in] my relationship
Happened a couple years ago, right me and my girl had this big argument one day, right?
Actually, you know you guys want to hear something on here the about the time my girl punched me in the face
On her birthday money. You dumb one
This is what happened sweet but really honest the fight started like three months earlier
Second middle of March we're just driving around enough since she sees this clothing store. She's like oh my God
I didn't know they [had] one of those over here
We need to stop and go in there, so I fucking let's go in there I
Walk in immediately I see it's one of these stores. That doesn't have any chairs
[I] know what they're trying [to] [um] be standing right next to her [when] she likes something, I gotta buy it
[I] don't give a fuck
I'm not playing that I go over and I sit down underneath a mannequin got like the dress hanging in my head sir
You can't sit there. I don't give a fuck looks like I'm doing it looks like I'm doing it hi
So unbeknownst to me she finds some sweater that she likes right some ridiculously [price] like 400 bucks, or some shit like that, right?
So she knows it's not her birthday. No that crap. She can't ask me for it now. She's got to go into manipulation mode
What do I use? What do I use do I'd be sad wipeout do I use sex can't do that
You know what she went what she went with the little girl [right]? She just came out. She's just like
Mike, what's up? She's like saw something that I liked I
Just want to be like one. Why don't you fucking pay for?
But she goes over and she shows it to me right now like it's  [bucks]
She goes can you get it I go. [no] not doing that fuck that
Such a birthday stuff valentine's day. It's March like it. You're not the [saint] Patrick's take fuck out of here. I'm not doing it
So I want to happen. We're driving home it somehow
She manipulated the argument not that she asked for the sweater and not that I said no it was the way I said no, right
But in this huge argument got so mad by the time I got back to the house. I just told to get out
I'm driving away, so I just drove away in the priests
So so fucked up about I had to call my sister up right call her up to get [a] female perspective
She's laughing around cell phone you took all the bank you're an idiot I go
What do I do?
She doesn't [watch] you go back down to the store. [just] buy the sweater hold on to it
You give it to a few months later for her birthday. I'm like fucking genius
Genius [I] hate the pressure of the birthday all her friends. [yeah], why you get now?
Are you gonna get her fucking sweater bitch bam? That's it?
Fast forward three months, it's her birthday, right? They don't lane at best. She wakes up
She want to go to some restaurant that night. She's like did you make the reservations?
[oh] my God made him yet, but [what] you know will be good right? She starts freaking out
Hey my [brecon], but do you need evening you didn't make the reservations. I'm like sweethearts a Tuesday in the middle of a recession
There's gonna be a table, right?
So she starts freaking out in the back of my head. I'm [like] I got this sweater. I'm good, right
So the more she yells at me the funnier it becomes to me, but like an asshole rather than laughing to myself
I sort of [snicker] out loud, right?
Sort of giggled a couple times and she just snapped like are you laughing at me? Hey?
You imagine me on my birthday?
[and] then the more she yelled the more I laughed the more I laughed and more she yelled
It was just this vicious fucking thing all the way up right till she got all the way the point
She was standing at the back door gone. You're gonna laugh at me at my birthday fuck you [boom] slams the door
Once down the stairs at that point. I'm literally in the fetal position
By dying happened walking towards the bathroom. [they] all sign here [books] came back up the stairs. I'm not gonna lie to you
I got a little scared [for] a second
My Dad was in my underwear was feeling vulnerable
She comes flying into the bathroom and the second. I saw her face. I knew she was Gonna
Hit me right, and I'm such an asshole
I actually have a game plan when a woman's gonna hit you but that's how many women I've pissed off in my lifetime
I actually know what's going down
But so it is most women their flavors all right less they had some sort of MMa training then you're on your own
You're probably going to catch a few right?
But most of the flavors most of right hands you got to guess overhand, right?
That's the first [thing] you got to guess you get down the pocket, right?
That overhand right comes in bang you catch that risk
Second the rice coming you know the left coming man, you catch that one. This is [a] crucial moment second
You got the right the next [then] you got the left immediately you got to step back, and you got to go like this?
she's Gonna try to kick you right in the balls and
[she] kicks you then you spin [him] around tuck your head down low because they will try to headbutt you
[then] he is just the way to your torso to slowly bring him down to the floor as you wish for sweet things
Oh look at the tiles remember you pick goes out. It goes so well with the wallpaper, right?
But she tricked me she came into the bathrooms you see invented this new punch. She didn't throw right she didn't throw a left
She came up this [two-fisted]. I called the light that the [frig] you later, right?
Caught me in the shoulder like in my appendix. It's a fucking plan like that. I was flying back into the bathtub
When I caught myself and she's all ready for me to take the bait and flip out. I didn't I just [remained] calm
[was] just a sweetheart. [I] think [you] need to go to work now
She's know what to do. She
just walked up I
Went down the car drove to work. I walked out in the kitchen. I got some cheerios sat down started [watching] Sportscenter
Fucking three minutes later also the phone rings [might] pick up the phone and just hear her gone, hi
okay, thinks that a little crazy a
Little Crazy [Gonna] split my head open. Oh, God dance club. I'm sorry. I'm just um yeah, I'm passionate. I'm pat
That's what they say when [they] start swinging. I'm passionate. I just have so much love for you. I
Try to cause you to have a seizure
I'm good at this I fuck up my personal life all the time [I]
Really? Do you know I'm afraid to get married man
Why would why wouldn't is and what man wouldn't be afraid to get married at this point?
You know look at Cokie look at the shit. He's going through right now
right guys getting a divorce
What's Gonna get seventy million bucks never hit a lamp in her life?
could anybody explain
These divorce settlements can anybody make sense of these fucking thing tiger [woods] wife two hundred fifty million dollars
She's a babysitter for [the] quarter of a billion fucking dollars
Somebody go ahead somebody explain justify it justify what when you cheated on her I don't give a fuck
Yeah, I don't give a fuck
He cheated on her great the relationships over right there Kobe cheated, right?
Shouldn't I ship that over right then?
When did she hang around like some jaded cop for three years trying to get a fucking pension [alright] get that ten years in I?
Don't know maybe that's too harsh
This shit bothers me man
Dude, there is an epidemic of gold-digging whores in this country
And every night. I put on the news and I'm waiting for someone to address it
Every night never see it. You know every night
I bring up gold-digging whores, and the whole crowd pulls back like I'm up here talking about bigfoot [all] [right]
Like I'm saying the Moon's made out of cheese [or] something
Talking about horse people they're everywhere
How many more great men are gonna get chopped in half before we do something?
Why is it so quiet in here [ah]?
Damn, I don't get it. What is it is women? Do you think I'm calling you?
I'm gonna call any woman here a whore okay, so don't pull back that's not fair. Okay. If you're grown up wifebeaters
I wouldn't like pull back I get it
This guy's hitting women they need to be stopped. We got understand that gold-digging whores are the [wifebeaters] for men
Yeah, they are except we don't have that Rianna want the photo in the end so it's not obvious
in the [eyes]
then the lines in your face
It's in [Mel] [Gibson's] high-pitched voice on the answering machine. I had to give up my leg or tickets, right?
Then it's the sound of a man being [taken] for everything. He's got [I]
Gotta tell you this I'm envious of women okay, not saying your problems get solved but at least it taken seriously
Pick me that 1-800 numbers you get yet yet Ribbons. There's groups
people give a shit
Anything happens to a guy's just considered funny
Some woman cut a husband's dick off threw in the garbage disposal turn it on
People thought it was hilarious there, and hey stupid nobody cares
[another] guy removed a woman's titty and throw in the dryer anybody would be joking [about] the next day
The entire country, we're trying to a halt would be a moment of silence
The NFL would have some special colored headband everybody had [to] wear for an entire month
the most of Feminine color they could possibly come up with
All my heroes going down
Arnold Schwarzenegger another great man
taken down by that gold-digging whore of a man he's got
and I'm not I'm not saying he's not a piece of shit for doing what he did it was a piece of shit move but
How come only he got chastised what about the mate? Why would she called the maid than that entire story?
She was never called a whore ever
Just boggles my mind
She knew his wife first-name basis played with their kids fucked her husband in their own goddamn bed
That's right down the checklist [first-ballot] hall of fame whore right there
Never why do you think she hooked up with them because of that 1987 flattop. He's still rockin
Changed space between his teeth I can put this my car through
Baby, it's all like kindergarten caught money later on the goddamn bedroom
That's awful. It's a horrific thing to see is a guy watching guys go through that shit. You know and then there's no
There's no sort of examination of it. They disguise an idiot a stupid
That guy's stupid if that guy's stupid, what the fuck am I right?
this even makes sense
Why would you do that? Why would you accomplish all [that] and then fuck it up?
Hooking up with one of the ugliest human beings I've ever seen in my life
Not [saying] him a prize. I'm just saying you know
It's gotta be something Beyond that right
You know I think it is I think comes down to the way he talks you [know] wow
Guys guys that don't should be unloading trucks in Transylvania
That should be they [should] have been the height of his success
But because he's a great man he had the balls to move to America
Became famous for lifting weights. I lift weights nobody gives a shit
Heelys [wait], [oh]
become Super famous
Did he rest on his laurels? No next challenge? I'm gonna become an actor despite the fact nobody can really understand me
Against all odds he starts making movies get down. There's a bomb get out of there
Because one of the biggest Blockbuster stars of all time
What are you gonna? Do next Arnie? I think I'm barely a kennedy. There's no fucking way you can do that, baby. Does it?
Cherry on top. [I'm] running for governor of a state I can't even pronounce and he wins the election
Why wouldn't this guy think he couldn't bang his maid in his own bed and get away with this
This dude has been in the zone for over four [decades]
nothing, but Nick
I made in my own bed, [too]. That's a lamp you serious. I had a hit for you with the midget
[I] don't even need a condom
And then what happens to smoke clears
Then all these trolls come out of the woodwork and start judging this great man
All these fatties these fucking old guys who never got any with their child
Coming on TV. Absolutely
We reprehensible behavior
What time of a public servant [is] [levicy] good?
Like they have any idea what it's like to be tempted at that level right?
Like they have groupies as they waddle out to them mercury tracer
Parked on [the] other side of a dumpster really you're beating them off
This guy he's got a great man. Any more terminator doesn't count [I] said what the fuck he telling me
Cuz he fucked alice really he's still in a great man because he did that and that's the whole thing's over
Anybody here think they could move to austria learn the language become famous for working out then be a movie star
then marry into their royalty in a whole public office
How many lifetimes would you need I'm on my third attempt at Rosetta Stone Spanish, right?
How can I judge these guys I can barely handle the temptations of Facebook? I'm a judge Tiger Woods I
Don't mind a walk off the 18th hole there's a busload of scandinavian women way to fuck my brains out sorry ladies
Go along to the wood right
That kills me
And there's no help out there [for] guys
There isn't there's nothing out there to help you handle [becoming] rich and famous
There's nothing to prepare you for that for that platoon of whores
That's gonna form on [Horizon], right like braveheart
Faces painted skirts off run down the hill to jump on your deck in front of your wife. They don't give a shit
It's not even a handbook out there I
Saw one article written about it on time the cover of time magazine
Is that one is so many rich famous and powerful men act like absolute pigs right and the article is actually written by a woman
That's like me writing a book the third trimester and what to expect
ladies, you're Gonna feel a pressure I
I know you [don't] to hear that from me right then why is this woman telling me what it's like to have a dick
It makes no sense
You have no idea [what] it's like to have a dick
24/7 do it do it fuck it do it. That's what it's safe. Do it do it. Yeah, do it I?
Thought we survived as a species a man in here is programmed to fuck
85% of the women in this room
Yeah, we are doing good fucking do it. No. It's just that you won't that's the only reason why we don't you know
That's not you keeping your dick in check. You know some guy at Home Depot working there
He wants to fuck just as many women as a celebrity [right], but he can't do it because whores. Don't care about lumber, right?
[with] the second he hits the fucking lottery all the sun you know that do it do it fucking do it
You know that wasn't affecting his life now [else] on these horse show. I'll do it. I'll suck it. I'll do it right
Now summers good somebody's got to step up
All right, I'm ready to blame it horse really
Just guys were fucking idiots. What are we doing?
Why are we working so hard and then giving it all the way to some chicken did three shifts at a fucking [hooters], you know?
[the] fucking bums sitting [there] with fucking dorito dust in their cleavage walking around with hundreds of millions [of] dollars
I'm sick of this yeah, that's what the law says hundred years ago
I could beat you with a fucking mop handle good fuck the law says let's make us right now
It's unreal and all this shit's going [down], and we don't wait. We're not doing anything
What are we doing same old shit sitting around watching Shark week [alright]?
Watch a shit about poisonous snakes half a world away. Just filling your head up with all these useless information
What to do if it comes face-to-face with a bengal tiger don't look at it. Don't look away
Slowly back up as you push your friend forward right? Oh
this useless information
Yet hang it between your legs is this thing that could crumble your entire employer?
Seven minutes or less don't know a fucking thing about it
Even worse you think it's your friend
Yeah, you know why get your dick your dicks like a dreamer. You know your dick believes. It's like a motivational speaker I
Don't give a shit what question you ask it. It's always like yeah, yeah, absolutely
Sounds like a plan exit strategy later. We'll be fine
Where's your dick when you get caught right? Then it's just slumped over those that I do
We have to know that dude you did your dick was a third-base coach. It wouldn't hold anybody up. It's the fucking waving people around
Everybody who ain't standing up you got it you [got] it. I'll [show] [you] she comes slides, right?
What are you guys? We're awesome. Thank you so much for coming
Bill Burr 你們這些人都一個樣 2012 (Bill Burr You People Are All The Same 2012 | Bill Burr Stand Up Comedian Ever)
發佈於 2019 年 3 月 7 日
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