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RYAN SERHANT: Thanks.
PAUL DARRAH: You're welcome.
RYAN SERHANT: Hello.
This is a cool place.
PAUL DARRAH: It's not a bad spot.
We have our own real estate.
RYAN SERHANT: Yeah.
You're the real estate guy.
PAUL DARRAH: I'm the real estate guy.
It's exciting to interview the other real estate guy.
RYAN SERHANT: I love doing deals with Google people.
You always know they can close.
PAUL DARRAH: That's right.
RYAN SERHANT: Which is really important to me.
PAUL DARRAH: Well, it's a big talent pool.
We have 10,000 Googlers in New York.
RYAN SERHANT: I know.
PAUL DARRAH: I don't think you've sold to all of them yet.
RYAN SERHANT: No, not yet.
PAUL DARRAH: Not yet.
RYAN SERHANT: Not yet.
PAUL DARRAH: Not yet.
RYAN SERHANT: That is the goal.
PAUL DARRAH: So why don't we start-- in the book,
you talked about your childhood growing up,
opposite to the guy you see on TV,
and I thought that would be a great place to start.
RYAN SERHANT: [LAUGH] Great.
Yeah, a lot of people--
most people know me from "Million Dollar Listing New
York," which started in 2012.
I was cast on it in 2010.
How I got cast on that is totally--
it's like book number two.
But I think I was kind of the opposite person when
I was a little kid.
Like, the anti-salesperson, which was a big
push for me to write the book.
Like, I didn't necessarily write it for great sales people
out there, who are crushing it and at the top of their class.
I mean, I think those people should also get it.
But I really wrote it for the people
who were like me, who were super shy, introverted.
I moved eight times before I hit fourth grade.
I was really overweight.
I had really bad self-confidence.
I just liked theater.
My parents made me play every single sport known to man,
hoping I would get over it.
My whole family's in finance.
Everyone's very business oriented,
and I just wanted to do theater and come to New York
after college, which no one approved of whatsoever.
And then I ran out of money, right?
I mean, that's kind of classic story.
I moved here in 2006.
I went to Hamilton College in upstate New York.
I was a Theater major, also English Lit
because my parents made me.
And I gave myself two years on summer savings,
and it lasted me two years.
And I ran out of money and didn't know what to do.
And it was either go home to Colorado
and paint fence for the rest of my life--
which was an actual summer job I had, painting wood fence.
There's a lot of it in Colorado--
or figure out something.
I had a friend of mine who was like,
listen, don't be a waiter.
Don't be a bartender.
Get your real estate license.
The market's insane.
This was the summer of 2008.
PAUL DARRAH: Your timing was impeccable.
RYAN SERHANT: Yeah.
Yeah, I could not tell the future yet.
PAUL DARRAH: Yeah, yeah.
And as a real estate guy for Lehman Brothers
when it went under, I know what your first day of work
So you started the day Lehman collapsed.
RYAN SERHANT: Yeah, September 15th.
PAUL DARRAH: Yeah.
RYAN SERHANT: Yeah, 2008.
PAUL DARRAH: It was a big--
RYAN SERHANT: Which, for a lot of people,
was a really awful day.
PAUL DARRAH: I was one of those.
RYAN SERHANT: Yeah.
And it's tough.
I had a lot of friends who worked at Lehman.
But for me, I had no money.
I was either, figure out this real estate thing
or go home to Colorado.
And I had gotten my real estate license.
It didn't really all make sense to me
yet what was really happening in the world.
Because if you're living in New York
City trying to be an actor, you're
not watching CNBC every day.
And you have no money.
So you don't watch the markets.
You don't really know.
And I just though real estate was the hardest thing
in the history of the world.
I just figured that everyone in New York City
lost their jobs all the time.
Those first two years, I mean, every client I would get,
they would lose their job in 2008 and 2009.
And they wouldn't be able to afford apartments.
So in hindsight, it was the absolute best time
for me to start, because every broker was getting out
of the business, because they all
called the end of the world.
And, for me, I was there to kind of pick up the pieces
and just sort of figure it out as I went.
PAUL DARRAH: So you talk about improv as a training ground.
RYAN SERHANT: Yeah.
PAUL DARRAH: So spend a minute on that.
RYAN SERHANT: The most important training
I ever did to be a real estate agent was taking improv classes
in high school and college.
And I still make everyone who works for me take improv.
Because the most important thing you
can do as a salesperson is learn how to listen and learn
how to act on your feet.
And those are two things that a lot of people think they have,
but it's a real muscle.
To be able to think on your feet and never use the word "no"
is a really kind of hard thing to do.
Because most people will say, "um," "like," "right," or
"let me think."
That's how we grow up.
But to be able to say "yes, and,"
over and over and over to whatever your client is saying,
it really, really helped me a lot when I first started.
PAUL DARRAH: How many people have taken improv
in the audience?
OK, so we have some work to do.
RYAN SERHANT: It's important, especially because-- yeah,
because it's really scary, especially as you get older.
I was just fortunate that I took it when I was younger
and then thought it was fun.
But once you get older, you're more self-aware,
and you don't like to embarrass yourself.
And so that's actually when it's more fun, because it's just
ridiculous to watch people.
And you should just go watch improv classes,
just because they're funny.
They have them everywhere.
And they're like $5 or $10.
And you just create situations.
And in sales, that's what you're doing.
You're negotiating people's emotions,
and there's no script for that.
You're figuring it out as you go,
and that's what improv has taught me and taught the team.
PAUL DARRAH: I think the other big observation you have is
that in real estate sales and TV,
the first impressions are literally everything.
RYAN SERHANT: Yeah.
And if you're not careful, they're
also your last impression, right?
PAUL DARRAH: So give an example of where that moment occurred,
where you were at risk of the last impression.
RYAN SERHANT: Probably when I met
you and I didn't look up from my phone, so I apologize.
I was just in the middle of something.
PAUL DARRAH: Well, he was eating Raisin Bran, as well.
RYAN SERHANT: Also that.
You guys have food here, which is great.
I'm a real estate broker.
Every time I see food, I'm like, ooh, I've got to survive.
You know, just take it really simply.
I didn't write the book for real estate agents.
I mean, my life is as a real estate agent.
But I really wrote it for anyone who
just wants to do better and do more,
whether they're selling digital advertising,
or they're selling themselves to their boss
to get a bigger promotion, or they're
trying to convince their kids to go to bed on time,
or they're trying to pay down student debt.
I wrote it for everybody.
But put yourself in the shoes of,
you're walking into a store.
And someone comes up to you and they say--
what do people typically say?
Like, "Hey, can I help you with anything?"
And what do you say?
For the most part, you say, "No, thanks," because you
don't really want to be bothered,
and it's a salesperson, and it's gross.
Like, no, no, it's fine.
I got it.
I'm looking at shoes over here.
And then they'll say, "Hey.
OK, let me know if you need anything."
And then they walk away.
That is every salesperson in every store
in the entire world.
So you have to remember that every client interaction
you have is just like you would be making a friend
or meeting a future boyfriend or a girlfriend.
I mean, could you imagine going into a bar,
and tapping on someone's shoulder randomly and saying,
"Hey, let me know if you need anything."
Like, how do you think that would go?
You could get super lucky and they could say,
"Actually, I do need something," and then that's a one-off deal.
But, for the most part, everyone is going to say,
"You're with me?"
So, for the most part, people are going to say, "No, no.
I'm OK," or, "That's weird," right?
So that's a bad first impression,
which is now the last impression you're going
to have of that salesperson.
A different way is to introduce yourself.
Introduce yourself and start with something super simple
like a compliment, right?
Most people think about the clothes they're putting on
or think about their ridiculous mustache
that they grew out to try to sell books or--
--mm-hmm, true story-- or something, right?
Or if they have a kid with them, you compliment the kid.
Something small, just to get them to smile
and to start a positive interaction.
I swear to you, it works every time.
I've gone into stores to buy a pair of socks.
Someone has come up to me, introduced themselves,
and complimented me on something,
and I've left with, like, a canoe.
And maybe that's just because I'm gullible,
but also it works, right?
You're building that trust in that first impression,
and you have less than 20 seconds to do it.
Oftentimes, you have less than 10 seconds.
Every relationship, even with your best
friend or your partner, started with a 10-second introduction.
And with the people you know that you're friendly with,
Other people, it didn't work.
So I talk a lot about how to make it work more.
PAUL DARRAH: And then, how about at the other end
of the spectrum, the indecisive client.
Because we all have indecisive bosses and associates,
how do you manage the indecisive client?
RYAN SERHANT: Good question.
I broke down as much as I could--
you know how there's the six stages of grief
and then the types of tornadoes?
I always, when I got into the business, really,
kind of thought of sales, like the six stages of selling, what
emotional clients go through.
Because they go through their grieving
period, their denial period, their excited period.
And you have to walk them through all those steps.
And the best salespeople are the ones
who can anticipate it, like an ER doctor.
They know when this next emotional phase
is going to hit, so you can prepare how your conversation
is going to lead into that moment,
kind of like a psychologist, right?
But people who are indecisive are
people who are insecure about the decision
that they're going to make anyway.
At the end of the day, a lot of indecisive people
we know, they end up making a decision.
They're just really self-conscious or insecure
about their intelligence or something,
and you have to help them get comfortable
and figure out how to get there.
And a lot of it is just laying out options.
So kind of the way I just talked to you about first impressions,
and it could have been super boring
but I made it relative by talking about dating in a bar.
And then people laugh and they're like, oh,
that is kind of the same way.
Same thing with people who are indecisive.
It's figuring out a way to make it relatable to them.
And if you have a client or a boss, or somebody,
you figure out what they like to do personally.
So you track them on social media,
let's say, and you figure out that they really like cats,
or they really like golf, or they're really into the Jets.
I don't know, something like that.
You try to-- without telling them
that you internet stalked them, you figure out,
in your conversation with them, how
to make whatever the situation is you're
talking about relatable to something they really like.
Like, I understand you want to take your time,
but if Sam Darnold had taken his time in his first game
out, he might not have won that first game, huh?
And then that guy's going to be like, dude, you're a Jets fan?
I mean, sure.
Yeah, now I am.
Yeah, anyway the real reason I don't
want to do this is because of x, y, and z.
Because now it's on a personal level,
now they're thinking about something
they really like, plus you made it relatable,
and it's just how you present that information
versus that salesperson who just says,
"Can I help you with anything?"
"OK, let me know if you need anything."
That's most people.
PAUL DARRAH: And so you talk about the four
tenets of work, the four Ws.
RYAN SERHANT: Yeah.
PAUL DARRAH: So it's the Why, the Work, your Wall,
and the When.
RYAN SERHANT: Yeah.
PAUL DARRAH: Spend a little time on the wall.
RYAN SERHANT: So when I first got into the business,
I had no boss.
I had no mentor.
I went to a brokerage called Nest Seekers, which
is still there.
There's like 800 agents there now.
When I was there, it was like 20--
above Burger Heaven on 49th and Madison.
And didn't really have a mentor.
No one told me what to do.
All the direction I was given was,
find apartments that are in other cities that look cool.
Post them on Craigslist.
Use really good pricing.
Meet people at Starbucks.
Take them to other apartments.
That was the New York City rental broker way of life
up until, like, 2009.
And so I didn't want to do that.
That seemed super weird to me.
And I wanted to figure out how I was going to actually build
a sales business, and how I was going to build a sales career
and not just be someone who lived deal by deal by deal.
Or somebody who woke up a year from now
and said, "Wow, last year was great,
but it was also the same exact kind of year
that I had the year before and the year before
and the year before."
And I had looked at all the top performers
in the business and all the top companies, like all the Fortune
And they all had really, really strong through lines
to how they figured out what they were working against.
Like what's Google's kind of through line?
They're trying to make the internet a better place,
more searchable, all that stuff, something like that, right?
You guys would know better than me.
PAUL DARRAH: Anybody want to cover the mission?
RYAN SERHANT: Yeah, I'm sure it's out there.
And so, for me, I wanted to figure out,
what's that thing that I'm running against,
as much as possible.
And as an individual salesperson,
it has to be something personal.
So for me, the wall is that moment in the summer of 2008,
when my debit card was declined at Food Emporium on 59th
Street, buying tofu, of all things,
and I didn't know what to do.
And I really freaked out, and I just took my card
and ran out, and jumped on the subway,
and sat next to some random person,
and just tried to hold back tears.
Because that was the moment I was like,
this New York thing sucks.
I hate it.
I don't like it.
I don't want to be here.
I just want to go home.
And then I decided to get into real estate.
And that's the moment I run from every single day.
And it sounds kind of crazy, but everyone
needs to have that wall, right?
Maybe you work at Google, but before this you did another job
that you really didn't like, and you
don't want to go back to that job
because this is now super awesome.
You have free cereal.
That other job is your wall.
Or maybe you just love New York so much
and you don't want to move home to Colorado to paint fence,
or whatever your story is.
That, then, is your wall.
Or maybe you were bullied in high school, like I was,
and you want to show those people who the [POP] is boss.
That's your wall.
So for me, it was figuring out that moment on that subway.
And I'll run as far away from that moment,
for the rest of my life, as possible.
And the others are really just trying
to get clear with your goals.
Companies have goals.
Companies have mission statements.
Why shouldn't individual people have the same thing?
Why shouldn't individual salespeople
have the same thing?
You should also have what your win is.
That's kind of the mission statement.
So, for me, my win with doing "Sell It
Like Serhant" for Bravo and then writing this book,
I think that I'll always do real estate,
but I really have found that my passion is helping
other people increase the quality of their lives
Because selling is the greatest career
you could have, because no one will ever take it away
from you, and you will never be unemployed,
especially in a volatile work market the way we have it now.
I, right now, am unemployed.
I don't get a W-2.
I get a 1099.
I eat what I kill every single day.
I'm a very successful, unemployed, employed person.
And that's the greatest thing, because I get fired every week.
Clients fire me all the time, just because that's
what happens in this business.
But it's OK, because I have other clients,
and they make up for it.
I don't ever want to put myself in a position
where everything in my life could be held by one place.
And as a salesperson, you have that amazing talent
to take that anywhere, whether it's here or somewhere else.
PAUL DARRAH: So in the show, you parlay your real estate sales
into supporting and helping people
who are in different stages of their life
and their state of kind of--
RYAN SERHANT: Yeah.
PAUL DARRAH: How do you pick those candidates,
and what's been your greatest success in terms
RYAN SERHANT: There was a casting process that Bravo did.
They sent out casting notices everywhere
and then just got lots of submissions from people.
It was hard to cast.
Because the show only made sense if I
was working with really bad salespeople who were literally
about to lose their jobs.
And then the business had to agree to go on camera.
Their families had to agree to go on camera.
The bosses had to agree to go on camera.
So there was a whole process to it.
So it was hard to find people that wanted to put themselves
out there like that.
But I think the most successful person--
I don't know if you've watched the show,
but there is kind of two.
There was one guy who sold wine.
His name was Tim, in Millbrook.
And he let me know that he was a recovering addict, when I first
met him, which was really tough, because he sold wine.
But that was all he knew how to do.
He got addicted to heroin outside Phoenix when
he was 13, meth when he was 14.
Tried to kill himself when he was 15.
Cleaned himself up and sent himself into the Army
when he, I guess, was 17.
Did two tours through Afghanistan,
and then came back, clean, ready to go.
Wouldn't go back home to Phoenix,
because that's where all of his triggers were.
Tried to get a job in New York, couldn't get one.
Put himself through the New York Culinary Institute,
but then couldn't get a job as a chef.
And then a friend said, "Listen, I've
got this winery in Millbrook.
Come work with me.
Had no idea what selling was, thought salespeople
were the worst people in the world, legitimately.
And I helped him understand that selling isn't taking.
Selling isn't being greedy.
Selling isn't, like, "Come on.
Just do this.
Selling is assuring.
It's not convincing.
Selling is walking people through options
so that they pick the best one for them, and an option
that they otherwise would have picked anyway,
but they're just going to do it with you and not do it online.
Or they're going to do it with you now, and not
do it later, right?
And so that was a good one for me, working with him.
We secretly flew his parents in from Phoenix,
and he hadn't seen them since he got back from Afghanistan.
The whole thing was crazy.
"Million Dollar Listing," very different show.
PAUL DARRAH: Yes, yes.
RYAN SERHANT: Yeah, Yeah.
PAUL DARRAH: So in a recent interview,
you said that one of your core principles
is for sustaining key relationships is actually
knowing how to give before you take anything.
RYAN SERHANT: Yeah.
PAUL DARRAH: And I think you kind of
spoke to that a minute ago.
But if you-- not that we're off camera, but if you were
speaking off camera versus on camera, what would
you like people to know about reality TV
that they may not know?
RYAN SERHANT: "Million Dollar Listing" takes us nine months
to film an entire season, and it airs really, really quickly.
So there's a lot of stuff behind the scenes that you don't see,
just because it's boring TV, unfortunately.
Like, I always want to show the deal stuff, the closing
cost, the taxes, all the crazy stuff that
really drives us crazy.
But it's hard TV to show.
And there's three of us on the show.
It's an hour show, which means there's 44 minutes.
There's 16 minutes of commercials,
which means each of us get, like,
11 to 12 minutes of airtime.
And it has to be cut down into just those big moments.
Figure out how to sell it.
Don't sell it.
Maybe sell it.
Little personal item.
But there's so much more that goes into it, right?
I start my day very, very early, and I
try to start in the office to prep for the day ahead.
And then I end incredibly late to clean up the previous day
and then prep for my day ahead.
My day starts the night before.
And that was an important thing that I figured out when I first
got into the business.
Otherwise, you wake up and you're scattered.
And you look at your calendar, and you're like, all right,
what do I have to do today?
But by then, your day has already begun,
and it's like you're late to the race.
But, yeah, reality TV is fun.
It's been good for me.
I mean, I got onto that show by just, like, convincing them
I was the greatest real estate broker
in the history of the world.
And I knew that they were from LA
and they didn't know anything.
And they were like, are you sure?
And I was like, yes, I am sure.
Because all these other brokers that we're interviewing,
they don't know who you are.
And I'm like, really?
It's just because they're jelly.
And they slowly whittled it down and whittled it down.
And I got to the point where I was just getting friends
to help me with things and trying to-- it was like,
call me 50 times a day.
Because I'm with the cameras right now,
and they're still interviewing like 15 other people.
And, they're like, what am I calling you for?
So they call me.
And they're like, "Hey, Ryan.
You told me--" and I'd be like, "Yeah, no.
I'll call you right back."
And the producers were like, this
is the greatest real estate broker we've ever seen!
I've been doing it now for eight years,
so I'm comfortable putting that out there.
And then I got cast on it.
And then that was like, oh, all right.
Now I got to figure this out.
My whole life has been just saying yes to everything,
and then having to just figure it out.
PAUL DARRAH: Which is a great lead-in to,
you talk about when it's time to let the deal go
and how to fail smarter.
RYAN SERHANT: Yeah.
I mean, when I first started as a salesperson,
I didn't let any deal go.
Because I didn't really have a whole lot of choice.
And some of my first clients were people I definitely
should have let go.
But it's a time benefit analysis, right?
You're never going to close somebody
who has a great personal relationship with someone else
who does what you do.
As many apartments as I would love to sell,
there are always going to be sellers
who grew up with a real estate broker today,
or who are married to a real estate broker,
or who have some kind of personal connection.
Those are people that I need to really look at the time
that I would put into that deal, and probably decide,
you know what?
I'm going to leave them for other people.
It's OK, right?
I'll go find other people.
And then there are people, too, who are just
completely irrational, unreasonable,
and, those people, you have to cut loose
when they don't really move up that emotional ladder that I
talk about in the book.
Like, if they just stay on hysteric, or overemotional,
or if they're mean.
There's a lot of people in the world who
are really mean and are belittling, especially
in my business.
I don't know how it is for you guys.
But it is really easy to be mean to a real estate agent, right?
And it's easy to take out all your frustration
on them, which is fine, and I'm totally OK with it.
And I get yelled at every day.
But if that's their status quo, then those
are people that I need to let go.
Just to say, the negative energy,
it's going to affect me and all of my other deals,
and I don't want to bring that into the rest of my life.
PAUL DARRAH: So in the book, you talk
about Client X, which may not have
been your hardest deal you've ever closed, but it might be.
So spend a minute on that, because I think
it's such an amazing story.
RYAN SERHANT: Oh, man.
In the book, I have to call him "Client X" for fear of my life.
And I say he's from Atlantis, also for fear of my life.
So Client X was a guy who cold emailed me
when I first got into the business
and said he'd like to invest money into the New York City
real estate market.
Would I be able to help him?
He would use real cash dollars and would
need bank account help.
And I totally replied.
And I was like, absolutely.
I can help you with bank account help.
And absolutely, we take cash money dollars.
And how much are you looking to spend?
And he was like, less than $10 million.
And I was doing, like, $2000 a month convertible,
three rentals in the West Village to Jessica, Jessica,
and her friend, Jessica, at the time--
--who were coming from Murray Hill with their guarantor
And so a guy who, all of a sudden,
just told me $10 million over the internet,
I was like, boom, jackpot!
This is New York City real estate.
And I got super excited.
And then he wanted to talk on the phone,
so he was like a real person, sort of.
And I just sent him a bunch of listings,
because I didn't know.
And he picked one at 45 West 67th Street, Apartment 15ABC.
I remember every address.
And he said, I would like that one.
Make offer, $8 million.
And it was asking $8.5 million.
And I was just like, holy mother of--
I just-- $8 million offer.
This is what it is.
This is-- I am now the greatest real estate broker
in the history of the world.
I asked him to send me a proof of funds, and he sent me a DHL.
Right, remember that?
He sent me a DHL the next day with, like,
a photo of an accountant with a letter
that legitimately said, "Mr. X does not commit to things
that he does not commit to."
That was his proof of funds.
And I was totally OK with it.
I was like, this looks good to me!
Cash money dollars in New York City.
And we negotiated this deal over the internet for $8.3 million,
and I was immediately thinking about the commission
in my head, and thinking about how long I
would be able to stay in my apartment
with all that rent money and everything and craziness.
And taxes didn't even come into the conversation.
And then he disappeared off the face of the Earth
for like a month.
And he had had a contract, and I had introduced him
to an attorney, and he just never replied ever again.
But I followed up, like every day,
because this was my one big fish.
No one else, in their life, had ever
talked to me about spending that much money on an apartment.
And then he eventually writes back, like a month later,
and says, "Sorry.
I've been a little busy."
I'm like, OK, no problem.
And he actually signs the contract.
And then he has to send a deposit.
And then the deposit never comes.
And now I got the seller freaking out,
other brokers going crazy, and, like, months go by.
So we have the signed contract, and it doesn't mean anything.
And then the attorneys tell me that what's basically happening
is that this person takes a signed contract--
and this happens all the time in New York City--
and they shop it around the world.
And they say, "Listen, this is this apartment.
It's probably worth $10 million.
I've got it for $8.3.
Give me $20,000.
Come in on it with me."
And they'll sell the contract over and over
and over to unsuspecting victims,
and they'll steal people's money.
So it's a scam.
And so, then I was like, you know what?
This business sucks!
I don't want to do this anymore.
I'm the best broker ever, but now I'm
the worst one because I'm involved
in some money laundering scam between some crazy person
I can't believe I responded to this guy.
And I think it was, like, two months go by,
and then the attorney calls me and says,
"You're not going to believe this.
I just got an $830,000 deposit from Bank of Atlantis."
And I almost had a heart attack.
I was like, "Are we in contract?"
He's like, "Yeah, you're in contract."
I was like, holy mother of God!
$8.3 million for an apartment.
I sold it over the internet!
And then there's this thing in New York City
called a board package, right?
You have to do an application.
And then there's this thing called
closing, which you have to do.
And he vanished off the face of the Earth--
stopped responding to everything for like six months.
So imagine signing a contract for something
and then disappearing for six months.
OK, so now you've got different attorneys
looking to sue everybody.
But who do you go after, right?
Now it's just about keeping that deposit
and holding the deposit back.
But I followed up.
It's my whole life, is follow-up.
I wrote about it in the book.
There's a whole chapter.
It's really invigorating.
I will follow up with you until the day that you die.
I followed up non-stop, just checking in.
Just saying, "Hey.
I know you're probably getting those documents together.
Still need to do this application."
And then I had some genius idea to-- because I had looked him
up initially, and I'd seen that he
might be attached to this house that looked expensive in Paris.
And so I sent him this email that said, "Hey"--
in total desperation--
"I'll be in Paris tomorrow.
If you want to meet in person, we
can go through the documents."
And he wrote back in like one minute,
after six months of nothing, and said, "Sure.
10:00 PM," and gave me a location.
And now I'm like, well, shit.
The biggest deal of my whole life,
that I still haven't done, now I've
got to figure out how to do this.
And so I used all the money I had, and got an Aer Lingus
flight through Dublin.
And then I think I took Ryanair, which was super fitting for me,
to Paris to try to find this magical person.
All the while, I'm kind of telling my parents what
I was up to, kind of not, because it's
a little bit sketchy and probably really dangerous.
And then 10:00 PM rolled by, and the guy doesn't show up.
I'm crying in my baguette.
And I think it was like 1:00 AM, because I had nowhere to go,
and I didn't plan on getting a hotel or anything.
I just thought I'd, like, wing it,
and then just go right back to the airport.
And then 1:00 AM, he shows up with, like, a line of people.
So now I know he's real.
And all he really cared about was getting me drunk.
And he just wanted to watch me drink.
And I was the opposite of who he was in every way, shape,
And I drank a significant amount of tequila.
And he sort of looked at the papers a little bit.
I got him to sign two things, and I would just
fill out the rest.
So I took it as a win.
Went back to New York City, very sick,
and then he had to come close.
And he disappeared off the face of the Earth again.
But at least now I knew that he was a real person.
And then to make a long story short--
even though it's long--
he randomly, one day, again, months later-- so this is,
like, a year-long process--
says, "I'm in New York City.
I'd like to close."
Like, are you crazy?
It's like 11:30 AM.
You can't just get a closing together-- right-- oh,
We'll figure it out.
Because everyone was-- they were trying to sue for deposits.
It was crazy.
It was like, where are you?
I went up there to wait for him, doesn't come down on time.
Finally comes down, with like 15 people.
And this fleet of black Escalades
pulls up outside the Mandarin Oriental, completely tinted out
The minute that happens, I text my mom and I say goodbye.
This is, again, like, the only deal that I've ever done
other than just rental deals on Craigslist
with people that I'm baiting and switching, OK?
The New York way.
So we get in the car.
He's got, like, an espresso assistant, totally crazy.
And I'm like, "Listen, Mandarin Oriental, 45 West 67th
Street, it's right there.
Do you want to go do the walk-through?
I'm sure you're really excited about this apartment."
He's like, "No, no, no.
We go to JFK."
So we went to JFK.
And we went to the back of JFK.
And we pulled up, and there was this big 747,
and he got outside, and he bought it.
And he got back in the car, and now I'm totally confused.
Now I don't really think I'm going to die.
Now I'm just really--
I don't know who this person is.
And then we go back into the city, and he signs the papers,
and he closes.
And all he cares about is taking a selfie with me for his BBM
profile, if you remember those.
And turns out that he prints about a billion dollars
And he's, like, wealthier than Gaddafi,
and just wasn't concerned with this little apartment.
And the only reason that he moved forward
was because he thought it was super
amusing to watch me consistently, persistently
And the fact that I actually went to Paris-- and he knew it