You all know what I'm talking about,

你們都知道我指的是什麼，

it's when those companies try to get away with some crappy products

就是當一間公司想要擺脫一些爛商品，

by sneaking around details and drawing you in with good deals.

他們會避談細節，用好價格來吸引你。

There's countless products out there that companies make seem SUPER AMAZING in the commercials, and then you buy it and it's complete crap!

市面上有無數個公司刻意讓他們的產品廣告看起來很生火，接著你就會入手，然後發現那完全是垃圾！

So, here's some tips companies on whether you should sell your products or not.

各位賣家，這裡有一些提示，可以告訴你到底該不該賣你的產品。

Because we, the consumers are very sick and tired of your sneaky little plans and stuff.

因為我們買家對於你們這些偷偷摸摸的伎倆既感冒又厭倦。

If you have to hide something about your product, don't sell it.

如果你對於你的商品有所隱藏，不要賣。

"Okay, how do we say this product will completely blind you if you get it in your eyes?"

「好，我們要怎麼說明如果這個產品碰到你的眼睛，你會完全失明？」

"How about we say that, blindness is pretty serious and we don't want anyone getting hurt."

「如果我們這樣說，失明是相當嚴重的，而且我們不希望任何人受傷。」

"But we can't have people looking at the bottle and seeing that they could get blinded and get scared and not buy it.

「但我們不能讓大家看到瓶身上寫說他們有可能會瞎掉，他們會害怕，然後不買它。」

Jeremy, how about we write 'do not let come in contact with face'?

傑若米，如果我們寫說「勿使用於臉上」？

But that makes it seem not as serious.

但這看起來並不會很嚴重。

Exactly.

沒錯。

Jeremy, make the print really small and put it at the back of the bottom of the product!

傑若米，把那行字放在背面瓶底，印超小！

If you have to hire actors or write a script for people on what to say about your product, don't sell it.

如果你需要雇用演員或作家寫劇本，來杜撰產品的好處，不要賣。

Okay, so what you're gonna say is; I love this product. It saves me countless hours of work!

好，所以你要這樣講，我好愛這個產品，它幫我省下好幾個小時！

But I haven't even used the product before, how do I know if it does?

但我之前根本沒用過這個產品，我怎麼知道他有沒有用？

Just say it and we'll pay you lots of money, okay?

不要為了要讓產品看起來更好而把所有警語說得好像很正當。

Don't try to make things seem better by making all the warnings all proper.

所以你是說，如果有人喝了這個產品，它會慢慢地破壞他們的胃壁，

So you're saying that if someone were to drink this, the product will slowly break down their stomach wall,

造成胃酸分泌，再去消化胃本身，導致嚴重傷害，甚至幾天之內就會死亡。

causing the stomach acid to digest itself, resulting in serious injuries and maybe even death in a matter of days.

對，沒錯。

Yes, that's correct.

這、絕、對、不、能、賣！

Not. For. Consumption.

如果你需要用贈品來吸引人們買的你產品，不要賣。

If you have to 'woo" people into buying your product with gifts, don't sell it.

特別優惠！

Special offer!

如果你買這個自動加熱咖啡馬克杯，你會再得到一個

If you buy the self-heating coffee mug, you also get a second one,

免費！

Free!

另外，如果你付運費跟裝卸費

Also, if you pay shipping and handling,

你會免費得到五包咖啡豆，口味自選！

you get 5 free packs of coffee beans of your choice!

跟你又新又酷的馬克杯配成一組！

To go with your amazing new mug!

而且，限時贈送一支作工非常精細的湯匙來讓你攪咖啡！

And, there's also a limited time offer for a really neat spoon for your coffee mixing!

不過等等！

But wait!

今日就快下訂這個加熱咖啡馬克杯！

If you act now, you get a very exclusive mystery prize!

如果你賣的是藥品，但它的副作用比其針對的症狀還要糟糕，不要賣。

Order your self - heating coffee mug today!

副作用可能包含：打噴嚏、眼睛癢或感染、流鼻水、暈眩、喉嚨痛、沮喪、萌生輕生的念頭或行動、嘔吐

If you're selling a medicine and the side effects are worse than the actual problem, don't sell your product.

某些形式的癌症以及失憶，

Side effects may include: sneezing, itchy or irritated eyes, runny nose, dizziness, sore throat, depression, suicidal thoughts or actions, vomiting,

亦有一些死亡案例。

some forms of cancer and memory loss,

呃，這樣聽起來單單治療過敏就有很多副作用。

some deaths have also been reported.

是啊，但很值得！

Errr, that sound like a lot of side effects for just curing allergies.

但大部分的副作用是過敏本身就有的症狀，

Yes, but it's worth it!

像是打噴嚏、眼睛癢或感染、流鼻水以及喉嚨痛。

But most of the side effects include what allergies actually are;

這就有點像你付錢買過敏。

like sneezing, itchy or irritated eyes, runny nose and sore throat.

是啊，但很值得！

It's basically like you're paying money for allergies.

Yes, but it's worth it!