that seems like it's going nowhere.

毫無進展的經驗

We believe that we are right. (light piano music)

我們都相信自己是對的

They believe that they're right.

他們也相信自己是對的

And no matter how much you talk to each other,

無論你跟對方做多少溝通

it just seems like you're never going to come

看來你永遠也不會得到一個

to a conclusion.

結論

So in this video,

因此在這部影片中

I'm going to go over exactly how to have an argument,

我要來仔細解說如何進行吵架與爭論

and I'm gonna share with you

並且與你們分享

the five critical things that you need to understand.

五件你必須知道的重要事項

Let's start with an example that I think

我們從一個大家都切身相關的

everyone can relate to.

例子開始

Let's say you have a girlfriend who is always late,

比如你有個常常遲到的女友

and you want to change this.

你希望能改變這點

You may have brought it up subtly before,

你先前可能稍稍提過這點

and you may have said stuff like,

你也可能說過一些話像

oh you're late again,

喔！你又遲到了

or it would be nice if you would come on time.

或是如果你能準時就好了

But for some reason, she does not get the hint.

但因為某些原因，她接收不到暗示

The first thing you want to do is clarify

首先你要做的事是澄清

what you want within yourself.

你自己想要什麼

So in this example, we could say something like this.

因此在這個例子中，你可以這麼說

What I want is for my girlfriend to be reliable.

我想要我的女友可靠一點

I'm tired of being let down by her

我已經厭倦在她做出

when she makes commitments that I depend on.

我相信的承諾時，總是對她感到失望了

The next thing you want to do is clarify

第二件要做的事是澄清

what you don't want.

你不想要的事情

What I don't want is to have a useless

我不想要有這個無益又激烈的談話

and heated conversation that does not lead to change.

卻一點改善都沒有

When you clarify what you want,

當你釐清你想要的之後

it will allow you brain to be focused on that outcome.

它能讓你的大腦專注於結果

And it will reduce the chances

這會降低你焦點

that you will get sidetracked

被徒勞的爭吵轉移的

by unproductive arguing,

機率

which is common when you have a discussion with someone.

當你在與人討論時這是很常見的

The next thing you need to do is ask yourself

你下一件該做的事是問你自己

an and question.

一個問題

How can I have a candid conversation

我要如何才能跟我的女友在

with my girlfriend about being more dependable?

關於可靠性這點有個坦率的對話呢？

And avoid creating bad feelings and wasting

並避免造成負面感受跟

both of our time.

浪費彼此的時間

One of the best ways to avoid creating bad feelings

能避免造成負面感受的其中一個方法是

is to be sure to establish a safe talking environment,

建立一個安心的談話環境

and to make sure that the other person

並確保另一方

does not feel attacked or judged

不會因為他的所作所為而

for what he or she is doing.

感到被攻擊或批評

This is something that I personally

這是我親身在人生中

had a really hard time with in my own life.

艱難時光中所感受到的

I'm someone who can be very intense,

我是個熱情的人

and sometimes, my intensity can be misinterpreted as anger.

有時我的熱情會被誤會成憤怒

So I've had to learn how to be sure

因此我學會了讓旁人

that the other person does not feel attacked

不會在我說出心裡話時

when I am speaking my mind.

感到被攻擊

In order to do this,

基於這樣的目的

you need to use something called contrasting statements.

你需要用一種叫對照性陳述的方法

So you would say something like,

你可能會這麼說：

I don't want you to think

我不想讓你想成

that I'm trying to make you out to be a bad person

我是在把你塑造成一個

who does not care about my feelings or my time.

不在乎我的感受或時間的壞人

I know that you care about me and my time,

我知道你在乎我和我的時間

but it's important to me for you to be on time

但當我們約好要約會時

when we organize a date.

你準時這件事情對我來說很重要

If you can be more attentive to that,

如果你能更注意這一點

I would really appreciate it.

我會很感激的

When you speak like this,

當你這麼說時

you are communicating in a safe and friendly way

你就是用安全且友善的溝通方法

that lets her know your feelings,

來讓她知道你的感受

but it also does not put her down.

且不會貶低她

But, let's be honest.

但說實話

This whole late thing is kind of a mild issue,

遲到這件事其實無關痛癢

and I bet a lot of you are probably thinking,

我打賭你們很多人都在想

I don't even care that much to even bring this up.

我根本沒有在乎到需要說出來

So let's take a more sensitive topic.

所以我們來選個更敏感的話題

Let's say that you are not happy with your sex life

例如你對你和性伴侶間的

with your partner,

性生活不滿意

which is something that I think

我想很多男人都

a lot of guys are worried about,

會擔心這件事

at least when they get older.

至少年紀大了就會擔心

So how would we bring this up?

那我們該怎麼提出這個話題呢？

The first thing you need to do is start with heart.

首先，你要有誠心

What do I really want out of this conversation?

我到底想從這個對話中得到什麼？

What I want is for my girlfriend to understand

我希望能讓我的女友理解

my intimacy needs.

我對親密行為的需求

I'm tired of her just ignoring me

我已經厭倦她總是在我

whenever I try and make a move.

嘗試和採取行動時，忽略我

Or when I casually bring it up that I'm dissatisfied,

或當我偶爾提起我並不滿足時

she needs to understand that it is important to me

她必須理解這對我很重要

and how it's hurting me.

而且這對我傷害有多深

What you don't want.

你不想要的事情

How can I have a calm conversation with my girlfriend

我該如何跟我女友在討論身體親密行為時

about our physical intimacy,

能進行冷靜的對話

and avoid creating pressure, resentment,

並避免對我或這段關係

or bad feelings towards me or the relationship.

造成有壓力、憤怒或負面感受

If you want, you can pause the video right now,

如果你想要，你可以馬上暫停影片

and you can think to yourself

然後自己好好思考

how you would bring this up to your girlfriend.

你該如何對你女友提出這件事

Even write it down.

甚至可以寫下來

And I think if you do this,

我想如果你這麼做了

you will quickly see how hard it really is.

你就會發現這並不容易

But this is what I would say.

但這就是我想說的

Hey honey, I would like to share with you

嘿親愛的，關於我們的身體親密關係

some concerns that I've been having

我有一些苦惱的事情

about our physical intimacy.

想跟你聊聊

I'm not doing this to put you on the spot or anything,

我這麼做不是要讓你難堪之類的

but this is something that is important to me

只是因為這對我來說很重要

and I feel like I need to share it with you.

而我覺得我必須跟你一起分擔

I would like to talk about it to make things

我想一起談談這件事

better for the both of us.

來讓我們之間的事情變更好

So there is a lot going on in this message.

所以這段訊息中有很多資訊

The first thing to notice is that I'm not blaming her

首先要注意的事是我並沒有要怪罪她

for anything.

任何事

I am also phrasing it in a way

我也是這麼表達的

where I am using something called I messages.

在此我運用了「我訊息」

I feel like I need to share something with you.

我覺得我必須跟你一起談某件事

I'm not saying we need to talk about this problem right now.

我並不是必須馬上跟你談論這個問題

The really important thing to take note of

要記得最重要的事情是

is the last line in what I just said.

我說的最後一句話

I would like to talk about it

我想一起談談這件事

to make things better for the both of us.

來讓我們之間的事情變更好

In my opinion, one of the most important aspects

我認為，關於討論最重要的事情是

to having a discussing is establishing a common goal,

建立一個共同目標

where the other person can see it as a win

讓另一方也能了解談論這個

to talk about it as well.

是有好處的

When you get the other person to understand

當你讓另一方意識到

that talking about something will help them too,

談論這件事情也能幫他們時

you are no longer having an argument.

你就不會有爭執了

You are just talking about how you can make

你們只是在討論該如何讓

the relationship better,

關係更好而已

which is something everybody wants.

這也是所有人都想要的

Changing the dynamic of the discussion

將討論的動力從

from it's me versus you,

我對你，變成

to we are all on the same team,

我們是同一條船上的

will allow for much more open conversation.

會得到更開放的對話空間

So let's have a quick review of the five concepts.

現在讓我們回顧五個事項

One, clarify what you want.

一，澄清你想要的

Two, clarify what you don't want.

二、澄清你不想要的

Three, ask an and question.

三、提出一個問題

Four, establish a safe talking environment.

四、建立一個安心的對話環境

And five, establish a shared goal.

五、建立共同目標

If you don't understand these five things,

如果你不了解這五件事情

it will be very difficult to have a productive argument.

要得到一個有價值的爭論會很困難

And there are a lot of different things

除了這些之外，要有一個有價值的爭論

that go into having a productive discussion.

還需要很多因素

And one video will not cover everything.

一部影片無法包含所有事情

So if you enjoyed this video,

所以如果你喜歡這部影片

and you want me to make more videos

而你也希望我拍攝更多

that talk about this kind of thing,

關於這類主題的影片

be sure to like to video,

記得點你喜歡這部影片

and let me know in the comments what you think.

並在留言處留下你的想法

Thank you so much for watching,

謝謝您的收看

and I'll see you in the next one.

我們下回再見