How we choose to react to different situations and the way we express ourselves our behavioral patterns that are formed starting at a young age

包括我們如何對不同的情況做出反應，以及我們如何表達從小開始形成的行為模式

When we first begin to learn how to make sense of our immediate environment

打從我們第一次開始學習如何理解當下環境的時候。

Marriage and family counselors Dr. Mllan and Kay Yerkovich discovered that everyone has a certain love style based on their upbringing

婚姻和家庭輔導員Milan博士和Kay Yerkovich博士發現每個人都有一種愛情風格，來自於他們的成長經歷。

A love style is comprised of our tendencies and inclinations of how we respond to our romantic partners

愛情風格由我們對待我們浪漫伴侶的傾向(tendencies)和傾向性(inclinations)組成

But understanding how we love we can learn how our love styles affect our relationships.

藉由了解我們戀愛的方式，我們可以了解我們的愛情風格是如何影響我們的感情關係。

Hera are dr. Milan and Kaye yorkovich's five love styles

以下是Milan博士和Kay Yerkovich博士提出的五種愛情風格

On:e the pleaser. The pleaser often grows up in a home with an overly protective or angry and critical parent. As children,

一：取悅者(the pleaser)。取悅者長大的家庭，通常有過度保護或易怒且批判的父母。

pleasers do everything they can to be good and to be on their best behavior,

作為孩子，取悅者會盡一切可能保持最佳行為，

so as to not provoke a negative response from their parent, Pleaser children don't receive comfort.

以免不引起父母的負面回應。取悅者得不到安慰。

Instead they spend their time and energy giving comfort to their reactive parent.

相反地，他們花費時間和精力提供慰藉給他們的被動父母。

Pleasers are uncomfortable with conflict and deal with disagreements by often giving in or making up for them quickly.

請求者對衝突感到不安，並通過經常給予或彌補分歧來應對分歧。

They usually have a hard time saying no and because they want to minimalize conflict, they may not be truthful and lie to avoid difficult confrontations.

拒絕他們對他們來說很困難，因為他們想要盡量減少衝突。

As pleaser children grow into adults,

他們可能不誠實或用謊言以避免對峙。

they learn to read the moods of others around them to make sure they can keep everyone happy.

隨著孩子們長大，

However...

他們學會留意周圍其他人的心情，以確保他們能讓每個人都開心。

When pleasers feel stressed or believe that they are continuously letting someone down, they can have a breakdown and flee from relationships.

然而...

Pleasers often spread themselves thin, trying to be everything to everyone when it's not realistic and

當取悅者感到壓力，或認為他們不斷讓某人失望時，他們可能會崩潰並逃離關係。

instead of forming healthy boundaries for themselves,

取悅者經常忙得不可開交，試圖為每個人付出一切。

they focus more on the needs and desires of others in order for pleasers to cultivate stable relationships,

他們沒有為自己建立健康的界限，

they have to be honest about their own feelings rather than trying to do what is expected of them

反而更關注他人的需求和慾望。取悅者若想要建立穩定的關係，

Two: the victim. The victim often grows up in a chaotic home.

他們必須誠實地對待自己的感受，而不是試圖滿足別人對他們的期望。

Victims learn to be compliant in order to survive by putting less attention on themselves so they can stay under the radar. To deal with

二：受害者(the victim)。受害者經常在一個混亂的家中長大。

their angry violent parents, victim children learn at a very young age to hide and stay quiet.

受害者學會保持順從，以減少對自己的注意力，在不被察覺的狀態維持生存。

Because being fully present is painful for them,

面對他們易怒且暴力的父母，受害兒童在很小的時候就學會躲起來，保持安靜。

victim children often build an imaginary world in their heads to cope with the dangers. They face on a daily basis.

因為完全活在當下對他們來說是痛苦的，

Victims have low self-esteem and usually struggle with anxiety and depression. They may end up marrying controllers

受害兒童往往在他們的頭腦中建立一個想像的世界來應對他們每天面對的危險。

who mirror the same behaviors as their parents. Victims learn to cope by being adaptable, and going with the flow.

受害者自尊心低，通常承受著焦慮和抑鬱。他們最終可能結婚的對象是

They are so used to chaos in stressful situations that when they do experience calmness,

反映出與他們父母相同行為的控制者。受害者學習適應，藉由順應潮流來應對一切。

it actually makes them feel uneasy because they anticipate the next blow up in order for victims to cultivate healthy stable relationships,

他們是如此習慣壓力情境中的混亂，以至於當他們體驗到平靜時，

they have to learn self-love and stand up for themselves when a situation calls for it, instead of letting their partner walk all over them.

他們反而感到不安，因為他們會預計下一個危機。受害者想要培養健康穩定的關係的話，

Three: the controller.

當情況需要時，他們必須學會自愛並為自己挺身而出，而不是讓他們的伴侶惡意對待他們。

The controller

三：控制者(the controller)。

usually grows up in a home where there wasn't a lot of protection, so they learn to toughen up and take care of themselves.

控制者通常在一個沒有很多保護的家庭長大，所以他們學會強硬起來並照顧好自己。

They need to feel in control at all times to prevent the vulnerability

他們需要不斷感到掌控才能避免在成年之後暴露在童年時期經歷的脆弱。

they experienced in their childhood, from being exposed in their adulthood. People with this love style believe that they're in control when they can avoid

擁有這種愛情風格的人相信，當他們感到掌控的時候

experiencing negative feelings of fear, humiliation, and helplessness.

他們才能避免經歷恐懼，羞辱和無助等負面情緒。

Controllers, however, don't associate anger as vulnerability. So they use it as a weapon to remain in power.

不過，因為控制者不會將憤怒和脆弱連結在一起，所以他們用憤怒作為武器來保持權力。

Controllers have rigid tendencies, but may also be sporadic and unpredictable.

控制器有僵固的傾向，但也可能有偶發性和不可預測的時候。

They don't like stepping out of their comfort zones because it makes them feel weak and unprotected.

他們不喜歡走出自己的舒適區，因為這會使他們感到虛弱和缺乏保護。

They prefer to solve problems on their own, and like getting things done in a certain manner,

他們喜歡靠自己解決問題，並且用特定的方式完成任務，

otherwise they get angry. In order for controllers to form stable long lasting relationships,

否則他們會生氣。要形成穩定持久的關係，

they need to learn how to let go, trust others, and keep their anger at bay.

控制者需要學習如何放手，信任他人，並讓自己遠離憤怒。

Four: The vacillator. The vacillator often grows up with an unpredictable parent.

四：搖擺者(the vacillator)。搖擺者經常與一個難以預料的父母一起成長。

Vacillators learned that their needs aren't their parents top priority. Without consistent affection from their parents,

孩童時期，搖擺者了解到他們的需求不是他們父母的首要任務。

vacillators develop a deep fear of abandonment,

沒有父母持續的感情，搖擺者對遺棄感到深深的恐懼。

but when the parent finally feels like giving their time and attention to them, vacillators are usually too angry and tired to receive it.

當父母終於給他們時間和注意力時，搖擺者卻會因為太過於生氣或厭倦而不想接受。

As vaciillators enter adulthood

隨著搖擺者進入成年期，

they try to find the consistent love they were deprived of as children... Vacillators have a tendency to idealize new relationships,

他們試圖找到他們兒時被剝奪的穩定的愛。搖擺者傾向於理想化新的關係，

but once they feel led down or disappointed, they grow dejected and doubtful.

但是一旦他們感到被辜負或失望，他們就會變得沮喪和深感懷疑。

They often feel misunderstood and experience a lot of internal conflict and emotional stress within their relationships.

他們經常感到被誤解，並在他們的關係中經歷許多內在衝突和情緒壓力。

They can be extremely sensitive and perceptive,

他們非常敏感體貼，察覺力敏銳，

which allows them to detect even the slightest change in others and no when people are pulling away.

這使得他們能夠偵測到他人身上微小的變化，以及人們什麼時候逐漸抽離。

In order for vacillators to cultivate healthy stable relationships,

搖擺者若要建立健康穩定的關係，

they need to learn how to pace themselves and get to know someone before committing to soon and getting hurt by their own expectations.

他們需要學習如何調整自己，並在認識對方，以免太快做出承諾，或因為自己的期望而受傷。

Five: the avoider. The avoider often grows up in a less affectionate home that values independence and self-reliance.

五：避免者(the avoider)。避免者成長的家庭，通常比較不重情感，而是強調獨立和自主。

As children,

作為孩子，

avoiders learn to take care of themselves starting at a very young age and put their feelings and needs on hold to deal with their

避免者學會從很小的時候就開始照顧自己，並把他們的感受和需求擱置起來

anxieties of having little to no comfort from their parents.

藉以處理來自於缺少父母安慰而產生的焦慮。

Avoiders tend to like their space and rely on logic and detachment more than their emotions.

避免者傾向於喜歡他們的空間，比起情感他們更依賴於邏輯和割離。

They get uncomfortable when people around them experience intense mood swings. In order for avoiders to cultivate healthy

當周圍的人經歷劇烈的情緒波動時，他們會感到不舒服。

long-lasting relationship,. They need to learn how to open up and express their emotions honestly.

要培養健康持久的關係，避免者需要學習如何誠實地開放和表達自己的情感。

Which love style do you identify with? Please share your thoughts with us below.

您認同哪種愛情風格？請在下面與我們分享您的想法。

Also, we'd love to give special thanks to our sponsors, Better Help: An affordable online counseling platform for those who are struggling with mental health.

此外，我們還要特別感謝我們的贊助商，Better Help：一個平價的線上諮詢平台，為那些正在掙扎於心理健康的人提供服務。

If you're interested, we've included a link in the description below

如果您有興趣，我們在下面的說明中包含了一個鏈接。