*suspense*

雖然說這一幕已經被惡搞到一點都不正經了 ´_ゝ`

That this scene has been parodied so much that no one could take it seriously anymore.

巨人會把我們當食物吃掉！

*gasp*

可是我們在城牆裡面欸

Eren: THE TITANS ARE GONNA EAT US 'CUZ WE'RE CATTLE!

他們是絕對不可能破門而入的啦

Mikasa: But we have walls.

σ ﾟ∀ ﾟ) ﾟ∀ﾟ)σ

Hannes: and there's no way they can break through the front door.

……大概啦

*sounds of excruciating pain*

天啊，我們得把老媽救出來！

*sounds of excruciating pain in background*

艾倫，快救救我

Probably.

別怕，我來拯救大家啦！

Eren : OH GOD, WE GOTTA SAVE MUM!

漢斯，有你在真是太好了

Carla : Oh Eren, put your back into it!

漢斯，趕快幫艾倫一起把我給－－

Hannes : Have no fear, I'm here to save the day!

塊陶RRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Hannes, Thank god!

漢斯你衝三小啦 (☉д⊙)

Alright, I need you to help Eren-

漢斯，快救我媽啊

FUCKING RUUUN!!!!

去你媽啦

HANNES, WHAT THE FUCK!?

去你的漢斯 (☉д⊙)

HANNES, MY MUM!

(*ﾟ∀ﾟ*)

Fuck ya mum!

天啊，我褲子都脫了你給我看這個？ （「性感熟女在兒子面前被生吞活剝」）

Mum: Fuck you, Hannes!

♫：Linked Horizon - 紅蓮の弓矢

NOOOOOOOoooooOOOOoooooo

Jäger！！！ (／‵Д′)／~ ╧╧

Oh God, this is not what I thought when I clicked this link!

爽啦唱得真好 (ﾟ∀ﾟ)

*humming Guren no Yumiya*

艾倫，你感覺如何？

JAEGER!

我發誓從今以後我要殺爆所有巨人！！！！！！ 讓他們死無葬身之處！！！！！！

*clap* Nailed it!

我要屠殺所有的巨人，用他們的鮮血沐浴！！！！！！ 他們將聞風喪膽！！！！！！

Eren, how are you feeling?

(／‵Д′)／~ ╧╧

FROM THIS DAY, I SWEAR I'M GONNA KILL EVERY LAST TITAN!!!

他還在繼續嗎？

BUT NOT BEFORE I DANCE ON THEIR GRAVES!

是啊（嘆

WHEN I'M SHOWERING IN THE BLOOD OF ALL THE TITANS I'VE MASSACRED, THEY WILL KNOW THE NAME!

所有的巨人都會死在我的手裡！！！！！！

EVERY LAST DAMN ONE I'M GONNA FUCKIN- *constant rambling*

老天艾倫你已經他媽的吼了兩年了 你到底在大聲什麼啦

Mikasa : Is he still going?

所以……你剛剛說你喜歡巨人？

Armin : Yep. :I

噢天啊，別再跟他提起巨人了

EVERY TITAN WILL DIE AT MY HAND!

歡迎你們進入訓練兵團

JESUS EREN IT'S BEEN TWO FUCKING YEARS SHUT THE FUCK UP!

雖然說大部份的訓練根本沒用 因為你們十之八九都會掛掉

So, do you like titans?

配角們，自我介紹一下

Oh my god.

我是網友的惡搞素材

NO, FUCK THEM ALL, I'LL NEVER SUBMIT!

我有媲美「巨人」的翹臀

Welcome to Military school, all of this training will probably be useless

反正沒人會記得我

Because 90% of you will die anyway.

我會活下來 (*ﾟ∀ﾟ*)

SIDE CHARACTERS, INTRODUCE YOURSELVES.

立旗囉 σ ﾟ∀ ﾟ) ﾟ∀ﾟ)σ

Sasha : I'm an internet meme!

而我就是本作的搶眼配角啦！

Annie : I have a great ass when it's titanic.

閉嘴啦那個誰的

I'M GOING TO BE FORGOTTEN!

等你變成主角再來跟我抬槓吧

I'M GOING TO BE ALIVE!

（讓的戲份88）

*silence*

等等，我的戲份又不像SAO的克萊茵一樣被砍掉

*distant shout* TOO SOON!

別理那傢伙，對我來說你就是主角

Jean : Well I'm going to be an actual interesting character

閉嘴啦馬可

Shut up Jean or Jeaaan

等你不是領便當的免洗角色 再來跟我抬槓

come back when you're a main character.

（馬可88）

*sad violin*

早就告訴你不要亂立旗了吧 σ ﾟ∀ ﾟ) ﾟ∀ﾟ)σ

Hey hold on a second, I have screentime!

恭喜各位從訓練兵團畢業

Don't listen to him, you're my main character

從今天起你們都是官方認證的巨人飼料啦

Shut up Marco, come back when you're not a disposable character.

現在我有能對付巨人的武器了！

*sad violin*

事實上我並不認為中二病算得上是武器

*sad violin* TOO SOON!

別理米卡莎，我一定會砍爆那些蠢巨人

CONGRATULATIONS ON GRADUATING, YOU ARE NOW

你怎不當著我的面再說一次要砍爆我啊你這小賤貨？

OFFICIALLY CERTIFIED CANNON FODDER!

巨人入侵啦！

I now have all the weapons I need to kill the titans.

終於到了我大顯身手幹爆巨人的時刻了！

Actually, last time I checked, edge isn't actually a weapon.

一想到要真的和巨人作戰我就有點怕怕啊！！！

*internal thoughts* Don't listen to her, those stupid titans don't stand a

我完全沒有感到怕怕的！！！

chance against me.

為什麼我們都要用吼的講話！！！

*thunderbolt*

誰知道！！！ 這部動畫裡的人不都是這樣講話的嗎！！！！！！

Why don't you say that against my face you lil' bitch

你工三小！！！！！！

THE TITANS HAVE INVADED!

你到底在工三小啦！！！！！！

Looks like we get to fight titans!

大家我嚇到尿褲子啦！！！！！！

I AM SLIGHTLY FRETFUL OF THE THOUGHT OF FIGHTING TITANS!

馬鈴薯！！！！！！

I STRONGLY DISAGREE WITH YOUR SENTIMENT THERE!

σ ﾟ∀ ﾟ) ﾟ∀ﾟ)σ

WHY ARE WE ALL SHOUTING!?

搞屁啊大家喊那麼大聲，結果馬上就死光了

I DUNNO, ISN'T THIS HOW WE'RE SUPPOSED TO

除了我！因為我可是主－－

COMMUNICATE IN THIS SHOW?

（－－梶裕貴）

WHAAAAAAAAT?

米卡莎，妳男朋友兼哥哥死了

*epic music over the shouting*

嘿！艾倫才不是我男朋友呢

WHAAAAAAAAT?

－還不是啦 (*´∀`)~♥ －怕. jpg

GUYS I JUST PISSED MYSELF!

你知道為什麼艾倫對我來說如此重要嗎？

GRRRRRRRR!

嘿米卡莎，這條蠢圍巾拿去！

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

噢天啊他竟然把他的圍巾給我了

GRRRRRAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

這聞起來超讚的，只要我一直戴著Senpai就會注意到我

POTATOOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEE!

然後我們就可以約會結婚生一堆小孩RRRRRRRR ♥

*series of deaths*

妳喜歡嗎？

WHAT THE FUCK? EVERYONE IS DEAD!

嘛，還、還可以啦

Except for me, 'cuz I'm the main-

是啊，失去艾倫之後，我活著還有什麼意義呢？

Yeah, your boyfriend/brother is dead.

哇你們有看到那隻巨人嗎？那會是誰呢？

Hey, he's not my boyfriend...

（廣大網民：）艾倫

...yet.

認真說，不然還有可能是誰？

Gross.

噢拜託那樣也太明顯了吧－－

Do you even know why he means so much to me?

哇！快看！真的是艾倫變的耶！

Here Mikasa, have this dumb scarf!

（廣大網民棒讀：）哇，我的天啊！誰知道呢？太神啦！太出乎意料啦！

OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE HE GAVE ME A SCARF

吃屎吧你們

IT SMELLS SO GOOD MAYBE IF I WEAR IT ENOUGH

我給你們五分鐘證明自己是清白的！

HE'LL START TO NOTICE ME AND THEN WE'LL START DATING

不然我們就用大砲轟飛你們的腦袋！

AND THEN GET MARRIED AND GET A BUNCH OF KIDS

阿爾敏，現在大家都覺得我是人類的威脅

AND THEN KYAAAAAAAHHHHHH

就交給你證明我的清白了！我相信你辦的到！

Do you like it?

別射你們這群豬頭RRRRRRR

Eh, it's alright.

別殺他們，也許我們能靠他們來把城牆上的洞補起來呢

THAT'S RIGHT, WHAT'S THE POINT OF LIVING ANYMORE?

是擅長想作戰計畫的朋友呢，趕快把計畫告訴大家吧

Guys, did you see that titan, what do you think it could possibly be?

聽好了各位，我們要發起瑪麗亞之牆奪還計畫！

Eren, Eren, Eren, Probably Eren

仔細聽好了，以下就是我們的作戰計畫

Seriously who else is it gonna it be?

他應該知道這裡距離上面有200英尺吧？

Oh come on! That's way too obvi-

宰了那些巨人

oh look it's actually eren

用王子妙事多的風格

oh wow, oh my god i knew this- see that? *constant rambling

不，他完全不知道我們根本聽不到

god that's such a surprise(!)

但這就是我們的作戰計畫！有任何問題嗎？

Fuck you all.

.....

YOU HAVE EXACTLY 5 MINUTES TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF

很好，妳了解作戰計畫了嗎？

BEFORE WE BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT!

讓艾倫發現自己也是巨人，然後崩潰打爆自己的臉

Armin, everyone thinks I'm now a threat to humanity

就是這樣

It's up to you to convince them. I trust you'll know how to.

嘿艾倫，你猜怎麼著

*clears throat*

你是巨人！

*large inhale*

σ ﾟ∀ ﾟ) ﾟ∀ﾟ)σ

DON'T SHOOT DICKHEAD!!1

快讓他再打一次！

*they shoot*

等等，我們應該先按照計畫讓他去搬石頭

Pixis : Maybe instead of killing our only hope, we should

各位不好意思，借過一下，這玩意超重的

use him to plug up the wall!

呃……金木你第二季還沒走完啊？

That's a great plan sir, you should probably tell everyone

這裡是哪裡啊？

RIGHT SO LISTEN UP!

等等！你們不就是……

We are going to take back the wall

調查兵團（天曉得英文版為什麼會有這麼多不同的譯名）

from the Titans

隨便啦

So, hear this plan

而我是里維兵長

What we're going to do is

迷妹尖叫-(*´д`)~♥　(*´д`)~♥　(*´д`)~♥

*inaudible*

剛剛那尖叫聲是三小？

He does realize he's like, 200ft up now, right?

別管他

WE'LL TAKE THEIR LIVES, AND TURN IT UPSIDE DOWN,

艾倫，這把通往你家地下室的鑰匙是劇情關鍵

PRINCE OF BEL-AIR STYLE!

你能告訴大家地下室裡到底有什麼嗎？

Nope, he has absolutely no idea.

好的，我父親曾經告訴我，要怎麼知道地下室有什麼

BUT THAT IS THE PLAN, DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY QUESTIONS?

嘿爸，我們家地下室到底有什麼啊？

*extremely far away* whaaaat?

想知道嗎？兒子

Alright, did you catch all that?

是不會自己去看漫畫喔？

Get Eren so triggered by his titan self that he punches

幹你原作黨

himself in the face.

動畫黨哭哭

YeeeEEES!

針對艾倫是否要被處決的審判開始

Hey Eren!

雙方請發表意見

Guess what?

－宰了他 －別他媽宰了他，拜託

YOU'RE A TITAN!

雙方都提出了強而有力的論點！

*mocking laughter*

城牆教徒有什麼看法嗎？

Do it, do it again!

身為一個虔誠的城牆教徒

Ah wait we should probably get him to carry the boulder.

我們相信所有非我族類的外來者都很危險

Outta the way guys, this thing is quite heavy.

我們偉大的先知兼創始教主「全能川普」早就預言了

~Unravel playing~

被告你有什麼要辯護的嗎？

Excuse me, I'm walkin' here.

冷靜，艾倫，你知道怎麼樣應對最有效

*scoff* Where am I?

大聲吼就能解決我的問題嗎？！

Wait a minute, you're the-

太棒了，繼續踢 ♥

Erwin : Survey Corps.

夠了

Levi : Scouting Regiment.

再來 ♥

Scouting Legion.

不要再爽了

Recon Corps.

喔寶貝繼續踢我吧 ♥

Whatever.

夠了

Yes, and I'm Captain Levi.

隊長，艾倫很享受過程

*fangirls scream*

艾倫，你不準再爽囉

Uhh, what was that?

用力一點 ♥

Ignore that.

艾倫！

So Eren, remember this key which opens your basement?

原來在腐女心中這一幕是這樣演的啊

That's gonna be a HUUUGE plot point now?

夠了

Would you mind telling us what's in it?

我提議從今以後由我來私下全天候監視艾倫

Yeah, I remember. My dad told me before..

噢天啊太爽啦 ♥♥♥

Hey dad, what's in our basement?

天殺的

Ah, sure thing son, it's called:

通過！反正現在所有粉絲都知道你們是這種SM關係了

Go read the fucking manga.

終於把雜事處理完了，來介紹里維小隊的隊員吧

God damn it.

死人一號

Every bloody time.

死人二號

Alright, in the trial of whether or whether not we should execute Eren Jeager,

死人三號

will both side please state their cases?

還有佩托拉

Kill him.

大家只關心我因為我是唯一的萌妹子

Don't fuckin' kill him, please.

那她又是誰？

Compelling arguements!

巨人讓我慾火焚身！

How does the wall religion view this?

我有沒有聽錯？

As a follower of the wall, it is our belief that

沒錯喔 ♥

any foreign object will pose a great threat to us,

錯了

As foretold long ago by our founder and Supreme Prophet,

介紹就到此為止，該出動了，調查兵團

Lord Trump.

但是在此之前……

Does the defendant have anything to say?

該打掃囉 ヽ(✿ﾟ▽ﾟ)ノ

Okay, Eren you can get through this the best way you know how:

噢老天看到你打掃讓我整個都濕惹

DOES SHOUTING REALLY LOUD SOLVE MY PROBLEMS?

三小？

*grunt* yeah

沒事 (*ﾟ∀ﾟ*)

stop

等等 我們要騎多久的馬啊？

urghuh, again.

大概5集左右吧

oof, ahh

三小？之前明明一集就可以跳好幾年的

stoooop.

現在下半季有一半拿來騎馬是要衝三小？

aww baby yeah

編劇到底在幹嘛？

GRRR STOP!

這隻巨人的翹臀超讚

guh, ahahuh!

幹

as

噢現在他媽是什麼情況！？

STOP.

別擔心，艾倫 艾爾文的計畫就算失敗也不會死人的

*tattletale* Captain, Eren's enjoying it!

沒錯，這個計畫就算失敗也不會死人啦

Eren, stop enjoying it.

任務成功啦

aghfff

任務失敗啦

more!

里維小隊，解決她！

yeh

GG，里維小隊要被殺光啦

Stop.

(*ﾟ∀ﾟ*)

Eeerrrren!

佩托拉！不！

AUGH

打得真準啊！智障

Is this really how the Fuijoshis saw this scene?

我的老天鵝啊，艾倫你可以不要再被吃掉了嗎？

Look, enough of this. I propose that from now on that

我的老天，難道凡事都一定要讓我自己動手嗎？

Eren will be supervised by me privately at all times.

迷妹尖叫-(*´д`)~♥　(*´д`)~♥　(*´д`)~♥

Eren : OH GOD YES!!!

我不知道你怎麼想，但我認為這次任務根本是場悲劇

God damn it.

感謝調查兵團的努力，一天又平安的過去了

SUSTAINED! Under the notion that all fans now think

（六人行4ni）

you have this weird dominatrix thing going on with each other.

嘿嘿嘿嘿♫

Now that that's over, allow me to introduce my crew.

笑屁啊林北整個小隊都死光了誒

Dead 1

我知道大家現在都有點消沉

Dead 2

但是至少我們知道亞妮就是女巨人了

Dead 3

雖然真是超級有夠明顯的

and Petra

連瞎子都看出來了

Petra : I'm the only one who everyone cares about

不過這次我準備了一個防呆的計畫

because I'm a cute girl.

絕對可以把亞妮引誘到陷阱裡

What about her?

什麼計畫？

Hange : TITANS MAKE ME HORNY

亞妮！快過來！霸托霸托霸托！

*silence*

不

Did I just hear that correctly?

根本沒屁用啊！

Yes.

幹他媽該死

No.

艾倫，現在是憤怒變身的好時機

Enough of this! Survey Corps, head out.

那不就是我的強項嗎，我無時無刻都很憤怒啊

But first, we CLEAN!

RRRRRRR 豪痛RRRR

Oh god, seeing you clean makes me so wet.

呃……剛才應該有什麼事該發生嗎？

Levi: What?

我也不知道！我只是覺得這樣咬手好像很酷

Eren: Whut?

讓我再試一次！

*Indiana Jones theme*

RRRRRRR 幹第二次更痛 RRRRRR

Eren : Wait how long are we gonna be riding on these horses?

艾倫，快變成巨人啊

Oh, about 5 episodes or so.

我在試了！OK？

WHAT?

你試得還不夠努力啊！

How have we gone from years passing in a single

你到底要我怎麼樣！？

episode to spending half an arc on a fuckin' horse?!?

夠了艾倫，就閉嘴然後變成她媽的巨人

What is this arc even about?

只有我這樣想嗎？ 這場面看起來像是超級狂野的巨人性愛

That titan's got a nice ass.

夠了阿爾敏，這場面已經夠詭異了

FUACK!

束手就擒吧，亞妮

Aw, what the fuck is that?

幹她媽這又是尛鬼東西！？

Don't worry Eren, it's all part of Erwin's failsafe plan.

外掛！？ 這是他媽的外掛

Erwin : It's all part of Erwin's failsafe plan.

艾爾文，才幾天就造成了數百人死亡

Mission Success!

需要數年才能修復的城市損害

*powerful scream*

而我們唯一的戰果是一個根本碰不到的犯人

*another thunderbolt*

你有什麼話想說的嗎？

Mission Failed!

感謝調查兵團的努力，一天又平安的過去了

Levi Squad, get her!

哈哈哈哈哈♫ 嘿嘿嘿嘿♫

*A-Team theme*

製作人：艾倫他家地下室

*cut*

領銜主演：等了4年的第二季

*bash*

為什麼你對我媽見死不救！你這畜生！

*kick*

對不起，我也不願意

oh no, levi squad...

但是喬斯達家族的秘密武器就是逃跑啊

they're dead...

你剛剛是用了一個JOJO梗嗎？

*scream of anguish*

艾倫你在胡說什麼，你媽都死了誰還跟你JOJO梗

*stomp*

不管誰死了都還是可以用JOJO梗啦

PETRA! NOOOOOOO!

好啦，沒錯

*crunch*

剛剛那個是JOJO梗沒錯啦

*distant shout* NICE PUNCH JACKASS!

現在她媽是什麼狀況？

Oh my god...

嘿大家好 希望你們喜歡這一集

EREN CAN YOU STOP GETTING EATEN ALREADY?

這個月非常感謝

Jesus Christ, do I have to do everything myself?

如果你對更多「＿＿分鐘看動畫」系列有興趣

*action music and fangirls screaming*

可以看看我其他類似的作品

Well, I dunno about you but I'd call this mission a complete bust.

然後我要感謝所有的工作人員

Erwin : JUST ANOTHER DAY FOR THE SURVEY CORPS!

和我的編劇把這寫的那麼好

*Seinfield theme plays*

時間也差不多了 下周我會待在日本

*Seinfield theme plays* ehehehe

但我不在時影片還是會上傳

MY ENTIRE TEAM IS DEAD!

在那之前我是gigguk 我們下回再見

I know we're all feeling a lil' bit down but we figured out

Annie is the female titan even though it's blindly obvious to everyone watching,

Even for blind people.

And I have an absolutely foolproof plan to lure her into a trap

What's the plan?

Annie, come with us, please, please, pleeeaaasee?

no.

It didn't work!

Erwin: *far away* God f*ckin' damn it!

*EXPLOSION*

Eren, now would be a great time to get angry.

That's my secret cap. I'm always angry.

*crunch*

AAAAAAAHHHHH! GOD IT HURTS SO MUCH!

Was something supposed to happen?

I DON'T KNOW, IT JUST SOUNDED REALLY COOL IN MY HEAD.

Lemme give it another shot.

*deeper crunch*

*weep* IT HURTS EVEN MORE THIS TI-HIH-HIIIME!