Uhh... this-- this was

the best meal I've ever had in my life, all right.

And it took place at a little restaurant called

the Ruby and Sapphire Diner,

which was a family restaurant in the city.

It's a wonderful family restaurant in--in Delamarva

which means that it caters mainly to

teenagers and homeless schizophrenics.

Now, I go into this place one day when I'm young

with my best friend, Lapis.

We walk into the Ruby and Sapphire Diner one day,

and they had a Jukebox there, all right.

And the Jukebox was three plays for a dollar.

So we put in seven dollars

and selected 21 plays

of Tom Jones' "What's New Pussycat?"

And then we ordered and waited.

Here's the thing

about when "What's New Pussycat?" plays,

over, and over, and over, and over, and over, again

The second time it plays,

your immediate thought is not,

"Hey, someone's playing 'What's New Pussycat?' again."

It's "Hey, 'What's New Pussycat?'

is a lot longer than I first thought,

And it has like a dip in the middle.

You know how some songs have a dip, like--like

Guns and Roses' "November Rain"?

You're like, "Hey, 'November Rain' is over!"

No, it's not.

There's more.

The third time it plays, you're thinking,

"MAYBE someone's playing 'What's New Pussycat' again."

The fourth time it plays, you're thinking, "Whoa,

someone just played 'What's New Pussycat?' four times,

or at least, someone played it twice,

and it's a really long song."

So... the fifth time is the kicker.

Now, we're watching the entire diner at this point.

Most people have gotten wind as to what's going on.

And we're staring at this one gem,

and she's sitting in her booth

and her, like, hand is shaking while her

stupid kids jump around

and, like, she's been on to us since the beginning.

And she's staring at her coffee cup like this,

and she has this look on he face like,

oh, like she just got her 30-day chip

from anger management.

And he's sitting like this

And the fourth play fades out...

It's dead quiet...

And then... I don't know if you know this,

but the song begins

very subtly...

"BWAH! BWUH! WHAT'S NEW PUSSYCAT?!"

And the gem goes, "God dammit!"

and pounds on the table, and silverware flies everywhere,

and it was fantastic!

But a word about my friend Lapis,

and what a genius she was...

because when we were first up at the jukebox,

and we were punching in the "What's New Pussycats", right?

I'd punched in about seven,

and then Lapis says to me,

"Hey, hey, hey, wait.

Before we drop in another 'What's New Pussycat?'...

Let's put in one

'It's Not Unusual'."

And that is when the afternoon

went from good to great!

After seven

"What's New Pussycats"

in a row!

Suddenly,

"Dum-duh-dum, duh, nah-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh...

It's not unusual!"

And the sigh of relief

that swept through the diner!

People were ecstatic!

It was like the liberation of France!

You know, for years scientists have wondered:

"Can you make grown men and women weep tears of joy

by playing Tom Jones's 'It's Not Unusual'?"

And the answer is:

Yes.

You can! As long as it is preceded

by seven "What's New Pussycats"!

And on the other hand... when we went back...

Holy shit.

"It's Not Unusual" fades out...

It's dead quiet...

"BWAH! BWUH! WHAT'S NEW PUSSYCAT?!"

People went fucking insane!

No one could handle it!

No one could handle it!

And they were surrounded by this, like, seemingly indifferent staff, you know,

that was just like

"Yep, same shit as always."

My only wish is that one of the schizophrenics had stood up and been like,

"Now you know!

Now you know what it's like to live in my brain!"

They unplugged the jukebox

after 11 plays,

and THAT was the best meal I've ever had!