I had three trillion of them.

我自己就有三兆個。

In Japan, the first thing that comes up if you Google "Conan," is an anime character named Detective Conan.

在日本，如果你 google「Conan」，第一個跑出來的會是一個動畫角色叫「名偵探柯南」。

He's a man who's trapped in a child's body.

他是個被困在小孩身體的男人。

Hello, Conan!

哈囉，柯南！

And this really blew my mind.

這真的讓我太震驚了！

They have a city named Conan Town.

他們有個叫「柯南鎮」的城市。

Clearly, someone's been making a ton of money off the Asian version of me for 24 years.

顯然，有個亞洲版本的我在這 24 年賺了大把大把的鈔票。

So the other night, I reasonably asked Japan to pay me three trillion yen.

所以有一晚，我合理地要求日本支付我三兆日圓。

Next week, I am flying to Japan and coming to Conan Town to collect my money!

下週，我就要飛往日本，去柯南鎮領我的錢錢啦！

I'll be there!

日本！我要來了！

I landed in Tokyo and almost immediately felt out of place.

我一到東京就馬上覺得我跟這裡格格不入。

Luckily, I found someone who would help me fit in.

我很幸運找到一位可以幫我融入環境的人。

I'm here at a company called Japanese Lunch.

我現在在一間叫 Japanese Lunch 的公司。

They teach etiquette, language, culture.

他們教導日本的禮儀、語言、文化。

This is Miss... - Hirayama.

這位是...平山小姐。

You are going to help teach me...

妳等一下要教我...

Yes.

沒錯。

How to be very polite and proper while I'm in Japan, yes?

如何在日本表現得有禮、得宜，對嗎？

Okay.

好的。

-Konnichiwa. - Konnichiwa.

- 您好。- 您好。

- Konnichiwa. I just met you. - Yes, yeah, yeah.

- 您好，我才剛認識妳。 - 對，沒錯。

Yes, what's the matter, what did I do?

嗯？怎麼了？我做了什麼嗎？

You push me.

- 你推我。- 我推妳？

I pushed you? I didn't push you.

我沒有推妳啦！

- Was I too close to you? - Yes, yes.

- 我靠妳太近了嗎？ - 對對！

Japanese people just bow.

日本人只會鞠躬。

- Bow and no touch. - Then...

- 鞠躬，不用肢體接觸。 - 然後...

- No shake hands. - Yeah.

- 不用握手。 - 對。

Then this distance is very comfortable.

這個距離是很自在的。

I am a hugger, I like to hug, is that bad in...

我喜歡抱抱，這會不好嗎...

- No...no... - I'm a hugger.

- 不行...不行... - 我是個喜歡抱抱的人。

No, I am not your girlfriend.

不行，我又不是你的女朋友。

You're not my girlfriend?

妳不是我女朋友？

- Mhm. - Okay.

- 我不是啊。 - 好哦。

- No. - No?

- 不能抱抱。 - 不行嗎？

I hug, I mean, we can talk about that later.

我要抱抱，我是說我們可以待會兒再談這個。

Yeah, you are not my type.

你不是我的菜。

Why am I not your type, what's wrong?

為什麼我不是你的菜？哪裡不行嗎？

Face.

你的臉。

Face?

我的臉？

What's wrong with my face?

我的臉怎麼了？

I like...

我喜歡...

- Just anyone else? - Beard.

- 其他人都比我好嗎？ - 有鬍子的。

Anyone else is what you're saying?

妳就是在說隨便一個人都比我好啊？

Anyone else here.

在場的任何一個人。

Keep the distance.

保持距離。

So you keep your distance.

那妳也要保持距離。

- Alright, so not too close. - Mhm.

- 對，不要太近。 - 嗯哼。

Bow from the waist.

彎腰鞠躬。

-Then... -Have a different face completely.

然後換一張完全不同的臉。

Clearly an ugly non-starter.

就像個又醜又成功無望的人。

- You have a business card? - Well, you show me yours.

- 你有名片嗎？ -那妳先給我看妳的。

Hirayama desu. Douzou yoroshiku. (Japanese)

我是平山，請多多指教。(日文)

Ah.

啊！

Not ah.

不要說「啊」。

What, did I just ah?

什麼，我剛剛有說「啊」嗎？

I just went ah, meaning, "Yeah, ah, I see."

我說出「啊」的意思是「好的，我知道了」。

What, what's wrong with ah?

說「啊」又不行了嗎？

Rude, sounds rude, ah.

無禮，聽起來很粗魯。

Okay, alright.

好喔，好喔。

Hirayama desu. Douzou yoroshiku. (Japanese)

我是平山，請多多指教。(日文)

You have a name card?

你有名片嗎？

- I have card, yes. - Yes.

- 當然，我有名片。 - 好的。

- Do you want to see my card? - Yes.

- 妳想要看我的名片嗎？ - 好啊。

There it is, that gets the attention.

這裡，它可以吸引大家的目光。

- You like that? - Your eyes, your eyes, I don't like your eyes.

- 妳喜歡我的名片嗎？ - 你的眼睛，我不喜歡你的眼睛。

- You don't like my eyes? - Yes.

- 妳不喜歡我的眼睛？ - 對。

In America, you don't tell people your face is ugly, and I don't like your eyes.

在美國，我們不會跟別人說你的臉很醜，也不會說我不喜歡你的眼睛。

- I don't say ugly. Not my type. - You said not my type.

- 我沒有說醜，我是說不是我的菜。。 - 妳說不是妳的菜。

Yeah, okay...but you keep saying that, you've said it many times.

好，不喜歡沒關係，但妳一直說一直說，妳已經說了好幾次。

Just...ah, too close, too close, respect my space.

只是...啊！太近了，太近了喔！尊重一下我的個人空間。

Do I need to bring a gift when I enter a home?

我去拜訪別人時會需要帶禮物嗎？

- Do I bring a gift? - Yes, yes, yes.

- 需要帶禮物嗎？ - 當然，當然要。

Is it rude to give money?

如果直接給錢會很不禮貌嗎？

Cheap.

粗俗。

Cheap, so not money.

粗俗，所以不要送錢。

- Not money. - Not money.

- 不要給錢。 - 不要給錢。

No, thank you.

不用了，謝謝。

Did you want the belt, do you want the belt?

妳想要皮帶嗎？想要嗎？

No.

不要。

Watch, could I give you my watch?

手錶，我可以給妳我的手錶嗎？

Yes!

可以！

- It's a nice watch. - Yes, yes, yes, please.

- 這是支很貴的錶欸。 - 我知道，我知道，給我吧！

Yes...yeah...okay.

好...給妳啊。

Arigatou. (Japanese)

謝謝。(日文)

Unbelievable.

太不可置信了吧。

Arigatou. (Japanese)

謝謝。(日文)

Oh, now you hug, right?

噢！現在就可以抱抱了嗎？

- Thank you. - Okay.

- 謝謝你。 - 小事。

I'm getting that back once we're done shooting.

等等拍攝完我就會跟妳要回來。

What kind of Japanese do you know now?

你目前對日本有哪些認知？

- Now? - Mhm.

- 我現在知道的嗎？ - 嗯嗯。

- I know there's different kinds of sushi... - Just a moment, please.

- 我知道壽司有不同的種類... - 等一下下。

Ueda-san, she's my assistant.

上田小姐，她是我的助理。

- Oh. - Ueda-san.

- 噢！ - 上田小姐。

Where was she, you were just hiding in the corner?

她剛剛在哪？妳剛剛就躲在角落嗎？

-Yes. -Oh.

是的。

Did you hear everything that she said about my face?

那妳有聽到她剛剛對我的臉評論了一番嗎？

Yes. Sumimasen. (Japanese)

有的，非常不好意思。(日文)

Do you agree with her about my face?

妳同意她的說法嗎？

No, very handsome, I think.

不，我認為你很帥。

Oh, well, hello.

噢！妳聽聽她怎麼說。

If a man sees an attractive woman in Japan, can I go (purring sound)?

在日本，如果男生看到很有魅力的女生，可以這樣嗎？(發出呼嚕聲)

Do you like that? (purring sound)

你喜歡這樣嗎？(發出呼嚕聲)

This is my first to see a human being make those kind of...

這是我這輩子第一次聽到人類發出這種...

You haven't seen a human being make those noises before? (purring sound)

妳以前沒聽過其他人發出這種噪音嗎？(發出呼嚕聲)

- Like a sheep. - Yeah...no!

- 像隻羊嗎？ - 對...不是啦！

So you want to know ordering food...

妳想要知道怎麼點餐...

- Yes. - Or greetings?

- 好啊。 - 還是怎麼打招呼？

Excuse me, where did Ueda go?

不好意思，上田小姐去哪裡了？

- Hm? - Where's Ueda? Where did she go?

- 嗯？ - 上田小姐呢？她跑去哪裡了？

Ueda?

上田小姐？

Hai! (Japanese)

是！(日文)

What are you doing, why do you keep going?

妳在幹嘛啦，妳幹嘛這樣一直走來走去？

What are you a... you're like a person in a cuckoo clock.

妳是在，妳是咕咕鐘裡面的人喔。

Oh, please, you may go back.

好了，可以請妳回去了。

Hai! (Japanese)

是！(日文)

- Yeah, back to your corner please. - When you need me...

- 對，請回到妳的角落。 - 如果需要我的時候...

Yes. You'll just magically appear.

是，妳就會奇妙地出現。

So she's right there, but we can't see her.

所以她就在那邊，只是我們看不到她。

But she's around the corner.

但她就是躲在角落。

If you need, please call her.

如果有需要的話就叫她。

Yeah, well, she'll probably get here pretty quickly because she's right behind that wall.

好的，她可以隨傳隨到，因為她就在那堵牆的後面。

I see her. I can see your hands!

我看到她了。我看到妳的手囉！

Yeah, yeah.

對，妳的手。

- Would you like gum? - No, no, very rude.

- 妳要吃口香糖嗎？ - 不要，口香糖很粗俗。

What's rude about gum, what's the problem with gum?

口香糖哪裡粗俗，口香糖做錯什麼了嗎？

No.

不要吃啦。

Ueda-san.

上田小姐。

Hai! (Japanese)

是！(日文)

Chewing gum, yes, is really rude.

嚼口香糖，是，真的很粗俗。

What's the problem with it?

吃口香糖到底有什麼問題？

It's disrespectful.

很失禮。

See, you are impolite, and you don't respect others.

這樣很不禮貌，而且很不尊重其他人。

Please, stop.

拜託，不要再吃了。

- How many piece of gum? - Yes.

- 你還要吃幾片啦？ - 對啊。

I eat a lot of gum.

我都吃很多。

- Please. - Hm?

- 拜託你。 - 嗯？

You want me to swallow this?

妳要我吞下去？

I would die if I swallowed this.

我吞下去會死啦！

Where do I put? Where do I?

我要丟哪裡？哪裡可以？

Is it okay if I put this under the table?

我可以把它黏在桌子底下嗎？

No, you don't do that here?

妳們在日本不這樣做嗎？

Do you think I will be accepted here in Japan?

妳覺得我在日本會被大家接受嗎？

Why can't you just...why are you like this?

為什麼妳就不能...為什麼妳要這樣啦？

She does not think I will be accepted by many people in Japan.

她覺得我在日本沒辦法被大多數人接受。

Oh.

哦。

Now, do you think I will be popular with the Japanese women?

那妳覺得我會受日本女性歡迎嗎？

Yes, yes.

會，會的。

Am I considered attractive, do you think, to Japanese women.

妳覺得我對日本女性有魅力嗎？

Why are you laughing at my question?

妳幹嘛嘲笑我的問題？

Why are you saying no?

妳為什麼搖頭？

That's terrible, let her answer.

妳這樣很糟欸，讓她來回答。

If you keep the distance, then...

如果你保持距離的話，那...

If you don't shout...

如果你不要突然很大聲...

But I am a very expressive person, I move, I jump, this is who I am.

但我是非常善於表現的人，我很愛動、愛跳，這就是我。

And you're asking me to deny who I am as a person and not be myself.

但你要我否定自己，不要做自己。

These are the things I do.

這就是我會做的事。

I move, and I'm someone who...

我愛亂動，而且我是...

- Long legs. - What's that?

- 長腿。 - 妳說什麼？

- Long. - Do you like that?

- 長。 - 你喜歡長的嗎？

Yeah.

對。

You like that I have long legs?

妳喜歡我的長腿？

Ooh!

哦！

Nice!

讚啦！

- I like tall person. - This, this is the part you like?

- 我喜歡長得高的人。 - 所以你喜歡我的這部分。

Yes.

對。

But this part, rest go away?

但這部分直接掰掰？

I've been here just a few hours, and you're the first person I've met in Japan.

我才在這裡待了幾小時，妳是我第一個在日本認識的人。

Hug.

抱抱。

Okay, you interested, you want a little of this over here?

好，妳也想要嗎？要不要來點抱抱？

Hai hai! Hai! (Japanese)

是是，好的！(日文)

- Huh? - Stomach. - Yeah, you need exercise.

- 嗯？ - 肚子。 - 對，你應該要多運動。

What did you say to me, say it again, what'd you just say?

妳在跟我說什麼？妳再說一次，妳剛剛說什麼？

You need exercise.

你需要運動。

I exercise all the time!

我無時無刻不在運動！

What do you mean I need exercise?

妳說我要運動是什麼意思？

What?

怎樣啦？

- Yakitori. - Tempura. (Japanese)

- 都是串燒。 - 還有天婦羅。(日文)

What do you think?

妳覺得怎麼樣？

Very fluffy.

非常鬆軟。

But I think girls like your teddy bear-like stomach.

但我想女生會喜歡你這種像泰迪熊一樣的肚子。

I'm thought of as very lean in America.

我在美國算是很瘦的了。

In America, I'm lean.

在美國，我是很瘦的。

Ah! Ah...hai! (Japanese)

啊！啊...是的！(日文)

- Please, sit, sit here, yeah. - Ah? Koko? Hai hai. (Japanese)

- 請妳坐這邊，對。 - 啊？這裡嗎？好的。

And you know where I'm gonna go?

妳知道我要去哪嗎？

-I'm gonna go here. -Hide!

我要去那裡。

Right here, fatty's gonna be back here.

就是這哩，胖子要回去角落了。