[Gaming critics saying "yeah" and other agreeing statements....]

(評論者們的各種「對啊」)

[and one "nope".]

看到沒？連Youtube的評論留言都同意我的觀點

See? YouTube comments agrees with me,

我們都知道，Youtube的留言可是遊戲評論界的最猛的地方

And we already know that YouTube comments is the premier location for intellectual gaming critiques,

只有最權威的評論者才能在這裡發文

Harboring only the most cutting-edge scholars,

(直譯：大屌中學生) 好比說Middleschoolerconnor

Such as Middleschoolerconnor.

那他們之間最大的區別又是什麼呢？

But what separates this guy, from THIS guy?

呃，這傢伙就是拿了錢卻寫坨屎出來嘛

Well this guy gets paid to say stupid shit.

我想這些遊戲評論媒體最大的問題

The first issue I have with gaming outlets is how their opinions are so decentralized.

就是他們連自己的意見都無法一致

When you have multiple writers working on a website, you can lose track of who's actually talking.

當一個網站裡有許多評論者在共同參與時 你可能會不知道這回說話的人是誰

"Breathe easy Sonic fans, Sega got this one right."

"穩住，各位音速小子粉絲，SEGA終於找對方向了"

"Sonic the Hedgehog 4, I think it was pretty mediocre."

"音速小子4，我覺得一般般欸"

"Sonic is good again?"

"好玩的音速小子又回來了？"

"Sonic was never good."

"音速小子本來就沒很好玩"

"Numerous fun titles-"

"有許多優質遊戲的系列..."

"Sonic was never good-"

"音速小子本來就沒很好玩..."

"...The levels are great..."

"...關卡設計很優秀..."

"There are no good Sonic the Hedgehog games."

"本來就沒有好玩的音速小子遊戲"

[Other Game Scoop cunt] "Super true."

"真的"

"Super detailed background and excellent animation-"

"細節超多的背景和優秀的動畫"

"There are no good Sonic the Hedgehog games."

"本來就沒有好玩的音速小子遊戲"

"Fantastic level design-"

"超水準的關卡設計"

"Sonic is awesome."

"音速小子很棒"

"Right?"

"對吧？"

"Yeah."

"恩"

Just this year alone, IGN has featured over 37 different reviewers.

光是今年，IGN就已經請了37個不同的評論者

When you see a video from ProJared or TotalBiscuit or AngryJoe,

當你在看ProJared、TotalBiscuit或AngryJoe時

you know exactly whose point of view it's coming from.

你會很確切的明白自己到底是在聽誰的觀點

Now pick a review from IGN, You've just entered the fucking lottery.

然後你再來看看IGN的評論，完全就是在抽抽樂啊！

It's important to build an understanding between the critic and the viewer.

玩家對於評論者的理解是非常重要的

Every review you do should be like an extension of the last until your audience understands what kind of games you respond to.

你所做的每一個評論都應該要是前一次有所呼應

It's also important to acknowledge your shortcomings as a reviewer.

這樣你的觀眾才會了解你究竟會推薦哪種遊戲

Mine personally is that I have no fucking patience at all.

承認自己的缺點和做評論同樣重要

Pretty much throw any RPG at me,

我個人就是他媽的有夠沒耐心

I'm just going to say nah, that-that's boring.

我玩絕大多數的RPG時...

But you know what's dumber than RPGS?

我只能說...真的有夠無聊的

Anime.

那你知道什麼比RPG遊戲更糞嗎？

Unless we're talking this guy, you need to get this bullshit outta my face.

動畫

But you know what I hate much, much more than anime? Turn-based combat. For real, I despise this shit.

除非你是在講這個傢伙 不然你只會從我這裡聽到「動畫超糞」

There's like two games that figured out how to make it fun, but those don't count.

但你知道我更加、更加的討厭什麼嗎？回合制戰鬥

Turn-based combat is fucking boring, tedious, and draining. It is the opposite of fun.

真心不騙，我鄙視這坨屎

So when I say Persona 5, a turn-based, anime RPG is actually pretty fun, you should go:

這兩款遊戲想出了讓它變好玩的方法，不過這都不算數

"Damn. Okay, maybe that game is alright."

回合制戰鬥遊戲真他媽的有夠枯燥乏味拖台錢 它完全就是好玩的相反詞

Probably one of the dumbest, most frequent comments I see is

所以當我說女神異聞錄5

"yeah, I stopped listening to this guy after he said Bubsy 3D sucked"

這款回合制動漫風格的RPG其實很好玩時

Listen fucko.

那你應該要這樣解讀： "哇，好吧，說不定這遊戲真的挺棒的"

You don't have to see eye-to-eye on every single game to put your trust in someone.

我看過最白癡，卻也是最常見的留言評論是

Obviously.

"好喔，自從他說XXXXXXX很爛之後我再也不聽他的了"

A critic's power lies in the consistency of their voice.

"好喔，自從他說大笨貓3D很爛之後我再也不聽他的了"

But when you're consistently wrong...

聽好了，小王八蛋

"This is one of the least exciting platformers I played in some time."

沒人逼你要完完全全的去接受某個人對每款遊戲的觀點

"This is a Call of Duty game-"

很顯然吧

"...refreshingly original..."

一個評論者的力量源自於他發言的一致性

"Call of Duty-"

不過當你老是自爆的時候...

That is when you become Armond White.

"這是我近期玩到最平庸的平台遊戲之一"

This dude is the ultimate contrarian.

"這是決勝時刻..."

Both of his parents were white.

"...令人耳目一新..."

His name is Armond White.

"決勝時刻..."

So he said,

這就是當你變成阿蒙德·懷特時

"Nah, fuck you."

(阿蒙德·懷特傳奇)

"I'm black."

這傢伙是個終極反指標

According to Armond White,

他的父母都是白人

everything that is good is bad and everything that is bad is good.

他的名字叫做阿蒙德·「白」

Does this make him "useless" as a critic?

然後他說

Not at all.

"靠北喔，拎北歐郎啦！

When Armond White tells you that Man of Steel is "The Godfather of superhero films",

只要阿蒙德·懷特說一個東西好，那它就是爛

and calls it his movie of the year,

只要他說爛，那就是讚

Then you as a viewer understand,

這樣做會讓他的評論沒有參考價值嗎？

"Ok, so this is the worst movie yet created."

完全不會

Some films transcend even Armond White though.

當阿蒙德·懷特告訴你 「鋼鐵英雄是超級英雄電影中的《教父》」

And then you have a movie like Suicide Squad,

並將之奉為年度最佳電影

And it's just such a piece of fucking shit.

那個你做為觀眾就知道了

Even this guy who likes fucking Video game movies.

"很好，所以這可能是有史以來最糟的電影"

When even HE doesn't like it,

有些電影甚至超越了阿蒙德·懷特的底線

That's when you have fucked up.

就好比說自殺突擊隊

At least he stands out.

這部電影就是一坨天殺的狗屎

So many of these reviews read exactly the same.

就算是這個喜歡遊戲改編電影的傢伙

"Makes you feel eerily like Batman..."

當連他都不喜歡時

"...the player really feel like Batman."

那你是不是也該跑了

"...Could not look or feel more Batman."

至少他足夠特立獨行

"Made us feel like we were-"

有太多評論讀起來完全一樣了

"...feel like Batman..."

"讓你彷彿成為了蝙蝠俠..."

IGN, what did you think?

"...玩家真的會覺得自己在扮演蝙蝠俠"

"Arkham Asylum makes you feel like you're Batman-"

"...實在是不能再更像蝙蝠俠了"

My reviews certainly aren't perfect, But at least I'm trying out here.

"讓玩家感到置身於..."

Even after I put my stuff up, I'm still in the comments taking the discussion even further.

"...就好像蝙蝠俠"

Now, let's look at IGN's review of Super Metroid.

IGN，你怎麼看呢？

"In Metroid you play as Metroid... as a Bounty hunter that shoots a Dinosaur in outer space with his missle"

"阿卡漢精神病院使玩家就好像自己是蝙蝠俠一般"

9.5-

雖然我的評論並非十全十美，但至少我有試著盡力

What the FUCK was the point of this?

那怕在我把評論做完之後，我還是會再進一步的討論

I can find all this shit on the back of the box except there, it would probably sound exciting.

好，再讓我們來看看IGN怎麼評論超級銀河戰士的？

The only real content in this review was the number at the end of it.

"在銀河戰士中...你扮演的是銀河戰士"

Which is usually restricted to a seven, eight, or nine all of which implied the game is good .

"她是一個賞金獵人，會用導彈攻擊外星恐龍"

Even something as disastrous as Mass Effect Andromeda will still get away with a seven out of ten.

9.5分

I play a lot of games, and on my scale,

你這分數是在打三小？

most of this shit fucking sucks man. Honestly even going back through the years

我完全可以在遊戲盒子後面找到相同的垃圾話

I find that only a few select games really hold up today, so when I do give a game a three out of five

而且說不定上面的敘述更吸引人

I'm saying okay. This is a quality game. This is something worth your time that actually held my interest to the end credits.

他真正的評論內容居然只有結尾的分數

I feel like a lot of critics are too afraid to say something real

一般來說只要是7、8、9分的話，代表這遊戲還不錯

And I think there's a lot of factors that influence this.

可是即便是像質量效應仙女座那樣的大災難

Gaming outlets and even youtubers now have relationships and contacts with these companies

還是能拿到十分裡面的七分

So they can get interviews, early copies, early game footage...

我玩過不少遊戲，在我的比例尺中

This doesn't mean they're paid off, but maybe they won't criticize stuff as harshly as they should.

大多數的遊戲都爛得跟屎一樣

They're part of a circle and some of these websites are funded in large by advertising game developers

老實說，回顧最近幾年

which fuels these really lame trends.

我發現如今真正上得了檯面的遊戲屈指可數

Mainstream critics are pretty much restricted to only play the latest releases,

所以我給了他們五分裡面的三分

so their standards are defined by what's been done recently,

我會說，OK這是一個優質的遊戲

and then you have this fuckin shitty rat race to be the first review on Metacritic

它值得你花時間去遊玩 也是直到最後都還是讓我很感興趣的遊戲

So that your dumb ass website can get more traffic,

我覺得有很多評論者會過於害怕說實話

and the end result is a column of weak ass first impressions.

我認為促使這個狀況發生的原因有很多

"Right now the music comes out like this."

遊戲評論媒體，甚至是Youtuber們如今都與那些公司 有所關聯

"People are writin' the review in, um... in a day."

這樣他們才能去採訪、得到早期試玩和開發中畫面

"First of all, you can't listen to an album and rate it in the day."

這並不意味著他們真的有拿到錢 但也許他們就會像過去那樣嚴格的去評論這些作品

"It's just impossible."

他們就是這個循環的一份子 而某些網站受到了遊戲發行商的廣告大量贊助

The best reviews are entirely subjective

使得這個循環更加牢固

But that doesn't mean you throw objectivity out the window.

主流媒體幾乎都只會玩最新的遊戲

You have to build your case with honest statements that even someone who disagrees with you could relate to.

所以他們的標準都是以最近玩了什麼為主

Recently Gamespot gave the new Crash remaster a six out of ten, citing some abrupt difficulty spikes.

接著你就會發現這群傢伙成天絞盡腦汁的 想在Metacritic上發表那款遊戲的第一個評論

But if you know Gamespot, you know these guys aren't exactly capable when it comes to platformers.

好讓他們那些智障網站可以獲得更多的流量

"New Super Mario Brothers Wii is a tough game. Old school tough."

結果就是，上頭充滿了一大堆低能到不行的 第一印象評論

Huh?

"如今的音樂只要一出來啊"

"This will test even the most seasoned platforming veterans."

"就會有人在一天之內寫出評論..."

"New Super Mario Brothers Wii is by far the most challenging game."

"首先，你根本無法在一天之內為一張專輯評分"

"The game's high difficulty may initially scare off new players..."

"那是不可能的事"

But why is my opinion more valid than this guy's?

最好的評論必須是完全主觀的

Well first off, I've actually completed the fucking game!

但這並不意味著你要把客觀性三個字完全丟掉

This dude got halfway through the game and put his review up! What the fuck?

你必須要用誠實的陳述來撰寫你的評論 讓那些即便是不同意你的人都接受你的觀點

It's funny, because I think he's absolutely right.

最近，Gamespot給了新出的袋狼大進擊6/10分 原因是難度驟增

Crash Bandicoot is a little rough on the controls and camera.

但如果你夠了解Gamespot的話 你就知道這些人根本就不會玩平台遊戲

But it's completely doable until this fucking piece of shit dumb motherfucker turtle level.

"新超級瑪利歐兄弟Wii是一款很困難的遊戲" "很老派的那種困難"

Who is responsible for this fucking abomination?

蛤？

This has got to be one of the single worst levels I've ever seen in a video game.

"這款遊戲即便是最經驗豐富的平台遊戲好手" "都是一種挑戰"

"The game can feel really old..."

"新超級瑪利歐兄弟Wii可說是迄今為止最有挑戰性的遊戲"

"Depth perception is an issue."

"它的難度一開始可能會嚇倒一些新加入的玩家"

"Stiff driving controls."

那為什麼我的意見比這傢伙更加有參考性？

"Physics just don't always work."

因為首先，我他媽的已經玩完這遊戲了

Dunkey: Piece 'a shit turtle-

這傢伙才玩到一半就已經把評論寫完了！三小啊？

"Hit Detection in general can be a little weird."

有趣的是，我覺得他說得很對

"Not quite as precise as it should be-"

袋狼大進擊在控制和運鏡上有些問題

When Reggie was developing Mario 64

但都還在可容許範圍內 直到這他媽這個雞掰烏龜關卡出現

He discovered that jumps requiring pinpoint precision

到底是哪個傢伙負責做這坨屎的？

just did not fly in a 3D space.

這絕對是我見過有史以來最爛的關卡之一

Naughty Dog, however said "fuck that shit,

"感覺這遊戲很古老"

"Jump on the shitty turtle kid, except it won't even bounce you far enough to get over the fucking piece of shit bridge!"

"深度感是個問題"

There's certainly a steeper than usual learning curve,

"生硬的駕駛操作"

and the series has always been more impressive in my opinion on the visual end.

"物理碰撞偶爾會出問題"

Crash looking at the boulder chasing him, water shimmering down a waterfall, an ancient temple illuminated by sunlight.

你這小王八烏龜蛋

When you lose, Crash doesn't just disappear.

"打擊判定有點奇怪"

He fucking gets incinerated.

"操作沒有達到應有的精確性"

Fucking gets crushed by a big-ass boulder and destroyed.

當年Reggie正在開發超級瑪莉歐64時

Pig knocks him off, breaks his spine.

他意識到定位精確的跳躍

BOOM! Just turns into a little pancake.

在3D空間中是行不通的

Falls in the water and freezes to death.

然而頑皮狗卻說 "呷賽啦！"

He gets fucking killed in this game, man.

"給我跳到那隻垃圾小烏龜身上" "否則你永遠都跳不過這座見鬼的橋"

When you finally conquer that ridiculous level, Crash says it all for you.

這遊戲的學習曲線肯定比一般的要來得陡峭

He just goes...

而在我看來，這個系列在畫面表現上一直都令我印象深刻

*Whew*

袋狼會轉頭看正在追他的巨石

Great job! Except you missed one, two,

反光熠熠的瀑布流水

three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven,

一個被夕陽照射的古老寺廟

21! 22! 23! 24!

當你掛了，袋狼就不會單只是消失不見

57! 58! 59! 60! 61-

媽呀他居然被燒成灰了

94, 95, 96, 97, 98.

被天殺的巨岩輾過去

But hey, man, other than that you did a good job.

豬豬把他撞飛，直接撞斷了他的脊椎

The presentation is top notch, and critics have most definitely taken notice.

砰！變成薄薄一片了

But what's more important to a game like this, how it feels or how it looks?

掉到水裡直接變成冰塊浮上來

Which leads into my final point: focus.

他還能在遊戲中被幹掉啊老兄！

Remember when this video was about game critics? That's because I lost focus.

當你終於征服那個可笑的關卡之後，袋狼會這麼做

Immediacy. Atmosphere. Variety. Replayability.

他會說...

This is what I value in a game.

"呼"

If the music sucks... *Yoshi's New Island - The Yoshi Clan*

幹得好，不過你忘了1、2

*Yoshi's New Island - The Yoshi Clan*

3、4、5、6、7、8、9、10、11

If the levels are uninspired, if there's constant downtime, the game is not fun.

21! 22! 23! 24!

"If it's not fun, why bother?"

57! 58! 59! 60! 61

I see a lot of reviews where the language doesn't really align with the final verdict.

94, 95, 96, 97, 98

"The New Super Mario Brothers series has often felt like a watered down more casual attempt."

不過，嘿老兄，除此之外你都幹得很好

"It's just a shame it doesn't push the system's visual or audio capabilities."

它的表現手法是一流的，這點評論者們肯定都注意到了

"A bit of a disappointment. Numbing, generic bubbling music-"

但對於像這樣的遊戲，更重要的是 它完起來感覺如何，或是它看起來好不好玩

"Playing with friends is still a bit of a chaotic mess."

這也引出了我最後的重點：專注的方向

"By the time Mario U really starts to do interesting things, It's over."

還記得這部影片是在講遊戲評論者嗎？ 這就我是沒專注在主題上

Damn, he fucking hates this shit.

即時性、氣氛營造、玩法多樣性、可再重溫性

What the fuck?

這些是我評價一款遊戲的重點

"It has a little something for everyone."

如果它的音樂很爛