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  • GAME CRITICS FUCKIN' SUCK, RIGHT GUYS?

    遊戲評論家爛透的,對吧各位?

  • [Gaming critics saying "yeah" and other agreeing statements....]

    (評論者們的各種「對啊」)

  • [and one "nope".]

    看到沒?連Youtube的評論留言都同意我的觀點

  • See? YouTube comments agrees with me,

    我們都知道,Youtube的留言可是遊戲評論界的最猛的地方

  • And we already know that YouTube comments is the premier location for intellectual gaming critiques,

    只有最權威的評論者才能在這裡發文

  • Harboring only the most cutting-edge scholars,

    (直譯:大屌中學生) 好比說Middleschoolerconnor

  • Such as Middleschoolerconnor.

    那他們之間最大的區別又是什麼呢?

  • But what separates this guy, from THIS guy?

    呃,這傢伙就是拿了錢卻寫坨屎出來嘛

  • Well this guy gets paid to say stupid shit.

    我想這些遊戲評論媒體最大的問題

  • The first issue I have with gaming outlets is how their opinions are so decentralized.

    就是他們連自己的意見都無法一致

  • When you have multiple writers working on a website, you can lose track of who's actually talking.

    當一個網站裡有許多評論者在共同參與時 你可能會不知道這回說話的人是誰

  • "Breathe easy Sonic fans, Sega got this one right."

    "穩住,各位音速小子粉絲,SEGA終於找對方向了"

  • "Sonic the Hedgehog 4, I think it was pretty mediocre."

    "音速小子4,我覺得一般般欸"

  • "Sonic is good again?"

    "好玩的音速小子又回來了?"

  • "Sonic was never good."

    "音速小子本來就沒很好玩"

  • "Numerous fun titles-"

    "有許多優質遊戲的系列..."

  • "Sonic was never good-"

    "音速小子本來就沒很好玩..."

  • "...The levels are great..."

    "...關卡設計很優秀..."

  • "There are no good Sonic the Hedgehog games."

    "本來就沒有好玩的音速小子遊戲"

  • [Other Game Scoop cunt] "Super true."

    "真的"

  • "Super detailed background and excellent animation-"

    "細節超多的背景和優秀的動畫"

  • "There are no good Sonic the Hedgehog games."

    "本來就沒有好玩的音速小子遊戲"

  • "Fantastic level design-"

    "超水準的關卡設計"

  • "Sonic is awesome."

    "音速小子很棒"

  • "Right?"

    "對吧?"

  • "Yeah."

    "恩"

  • Just this year alone, IGN has featured over 37 different reviewers.

    光是今年,IGN就已經請了37個不同的評論者

  • When you see a video from ProJared or TotalBiscuit or AngryJoe,

    當你在看ProJared、TotalBiscuit或AngryJoe時

  • you know exactly whose point of view it's coming from.

    你會很確切的明白自己到底是在聽誰的觀點

  • Now pick a review from IGN, You've just entered the fucking lottery.

    然後你再來看看IGN的評論,完全就是在抽抽樂啊!

  • It's important to build an understanding between the critic and the viewer.

    玩家對於評論者的理解是非常重要的

  • Every review you do should be like an extension of the last until your audience understands what kind of games you respond to.

    你所做的每一個評論都應該要是前一次有所呼應

  • It's also important to acknowledge your shortcomings as a reviewer.

    這樣你的觀眾才會了解你究竟會推薦哪種遊戲

  • Mine personally is that I have no fucking patience at all.

    承認自己的缺點和做評論同樣重要

  • Pretty much throw any RPG at me,

    我個人就是他媽的有夠沒耐心

  • I'm just going to say nah, that-that's boring.

    我玩絕大多數的RPG時...

  • But you know what's dumber than RPGS?

    我只能說...真的有夠無聊的

  • Anime.

    那你知道什麼比RPG遊戲更糞嗎?

  • Unless we're talking this guy, you need to get this bullshit outta my face.

    動畫

  • But you know what I hate much, much more than anime? Turn-based combat. For real, I despise this shit.

    除非你是在講這個傢伙 不然你只會從我這裡聽到「動畫超糞」

  • There's like two games that figured out how to make it fun, but those don't count.

    但你知道我更加、更加的討厭什麼嗎?回合制戰鬥

  • Turn-based combat is fucking boring, tedious, and draining. It is the opposite of fun.

    真心不騙,我鄙視這坨屎

  • So when I say Persona 5, a turn-based, anime RPG is actually pretty fun, you should go:

    這兩款遊戲想出了讓它變好玩的方法,不過這都不算數

  • "Damn. Okay, maybe that game is alright."

    回合制戰鬥遊戲真他媽的有夠枯燥乏味拖台錢 它完全就是好玩的相反詞

  • Probably one of the dumbest, most frequent comments I see is

    所以當我說女神異聞錄5

  • "yeah, I stopped listening to this guy after he said Bubsy 3D sucked"

    這款回合制動漫風格的RPG其實很好玩時

  • Listen fucko.

    那你應該要這樣解讀: "哇,好吧,說不定這遊戲真的挺棒的"

  • You don't have to see eye-to-eye on every single game to put your trust in someone.

    我看過最白癡,卻也是最常見的留言評論是

  • Obviously.

    "好喔,自從他說XXXXXXX很爛之後我再也不聽他的了"

  • A critic's power lies in the consistency of their voice.

    "好喔,自從他說大笨貓3D很爛之後我再也不聽他的了"

  • But when you're consistently wrong...

    聽好了,小王八蛋

  • "This is one of the least exciting platformers I played in some time."

    沒人逼你要完完全全的去接受某個人對每款遊戲的觀點

  • "This is a Call of Duty game-"

    很顯然吧

  • "...refreshingly original..."

    一個評論者的力量源自於他發言的一致性

  • "Call of Duty-"

    不過當你老是自爆的時候...

  • That is when you become Armond White.

    "這是我近期玩到最平庸的平台遊戲之一"

  • This dude is the ultimate contrarian.

    "這是決勝時刻..."

  • Both of his parents were white.

    "...令人耳目一新..."

  • His name is Armond White.

    "決勝時刻..."

  • So he said,

    這就是當你變成阿蒙德·懷特時

  • "Nah, fuck you."

    (阿蒙德·懷特傳奇)

  • "I'm black."

    這傢伙是個終極反指標

  • According to Armond White,

    他的父母都是白人

  • everything that is good is bad and everything that is bad is good.

    他的名字叫做阿蒙德·「白」

  • Does this make him "useless" as a critic?

    然後他說

  • Not at all.

    "靠北喔,拎北歐郎啦!

  • When Armond White tells you that Man of Steel is "The Godfather of superhero films",

    只要阿蒙德·懷特說一個東西好,那它就是爛

  • and calls it his movie of the year,

    只要他說爛,那就是讚

  • Then you as a viewer understand,

    這樣做會讓他的評論沒有參考價值嗎?

  • "Ok, so this is the worst movie yet created."

    完全不會

  • Some films transcend even Armond White though.

    當阿蒙德·懷特告訴你 「鋼鐵英雄是超級英雄電影中的《教父》」

  • And then you have a movie like Suicide Squad,

    並將之奉為年度最佳電影

  • And it's just such a piece of fucking shit.

    那個你做為觀眾就知道了

  • Even this guy who likes fucking Video game movies.

    "很好,所以這可能是有史以來最糟的電影"

  • When even HE doesn't like it,

    有些電影甚至超越了阿蒙德·懷特的底線

  • That's when you have fucked up.

    就好比說自殺突擊隊

  • At least he stands out.

    這部電影就是一坨天殺的狗屎

  • So many of these reviews read exactly the same.

    就算是這個喜歡遊戲改編電影的傢伙

  • "Makes you feel eerily like Batman..."

    當連他都不喜歡時

  • "...the player really feel like Batman."

    那你是不是也該跑了

  • "...Could not look or feel more Batman."

    至少他足夠特立獨行

  • "Made us feel like we were-"

    有太多評論讀起來完全一樣了

  • "...feel like Batman..."

    "讓你彷彿成為了蝙蝠俠..."

  • IGN, what did you think?

    "...玩家真的會覺得自己在扮演蝙蝠俠"

  • "Arkham Asylum makes you feel like you're Batman-"

    "...實在是不能再更像蝙蝠俠了"

  • My reviews certainly aren't perfect, But at least I'm trying out here.

    "讓玩家感到置身於..."

  • Even after I put my stuff up, I'm still in the comments taking the discussion even further.

    "...就好像蝙蝠俠"

  • Now, let's look at IGN's review of Super Metroid.

    IGN,你怎麼看呢?

  • "In Metroid you play as Metroid... as a Bounty hunter that shoots a Dinosaur in outer space with his missle"

    "阿卡漢精神病院使玩家就好像自己是蝙蝠俠一般"

  • 9.5-

    雖然我的評論並非十全十美,但至少我有試著盡力

  • What the FUCK was the point of this?

    那怕在我把評論做完之後,我還是會再進一步的討論

  • I can find all this shit on the back of the box except there, it would probably sound exciting.

    好,再讓我們來看看IGN怎麼評論超級銀河戰士的?

  • The only real content in this review was the number at the end of it.

    "在銀河戰士中...你扮演的是銀河戰士"

  • Which is usually restricted to a seven, eight, or nine all of which implied the game is good .

    "她是一個賞金獵人,會用導彈攻擊外星恐龍"

  • Even something as disastrous as Mass Effect Andromeda will still get away with a seven out of ten.

    9.5分

  • I play a lot of games, and on my scale,

    你這分數是在打三小?

  • most of this shit fucking sucks man. Honestly even going back through the years

    我完全可以在遊戲盒子後面找到相同的垃圾話

  • I find that only a few select games really hold up today, so when I do give a game a three out of five

    而且說不定上面的敘述更吸引人

  • I'm saying okay. This is a quality game. This is something worth your time that actually held my interest to the end credits.

    他真正的評論內容居然只有結尾的分數

  • I feel like a lot of critics are too afraid to say something real

    一般來說只要是7、8、9分的話,代表這遊戲還不錯

  • And I think there's a lot of factors that influence this.

    可是即便是像質量效應仙女座那樣的大災難

  • Gaming outlets and even youtubers now have relationships and contacts with these companies

    還是能拿到十分裡面的七分

  • So they can get interviews, early copies, early game footage...

    我玩過不少遊戲,在我的比例尺中

  • This doesn't mean they're paid off, but maybe they won't criticize stuff as harshly as they should.

    大多數的遊戲都爛得跟屎一樣

  • They're part of a circle and some of these websites are funded in large by advertising game developers

    老實說,回顧最近幾年

  • which fuels these really lame trends.

    我發現如今真正上得了檯面的遊戲屈指可數

  • Mainstream critics are pretty much restricted to only play the latest releases,

    所以我給了他們五分裡面的三分

  • so their standards are defined by what's been done recently,

    我會說,OK這是一個優質的遊戲

  • and then you have this fuckin shitty rat race to be the first review on Metacritic

    它值得你花時間去遊玩 也是直到最後都還是讓我很感興趣的遊戲

  • So that your dumb ass website can get more traffic,

    我覺得有很多評論者會過於害怕說實話

  • and the end result is a column of weak ass first impressions.

    我認為促使這個狀況發生的原因有很多

  • "Right now the music comes out like this."

    遊戲評論媒體,甚至是Youtuber們如今都與那些公司 有所關聯

  • "People are writin' the review in, um... in a day."

    這樣他們才能去採訪、得到早期試玩和開發中畫面

  • "First of all, you can't listen to an album and rate it in the day."

    這並不意味著他們真的有拿到錢 但也許他們就會像過去那樣嚴格的去評論這些作品

  • "It's just impossible."

    他們就是這個循環的一份子 而某些網站受到了遊戲發行商的廣告大量贊助

  • The best reviews are entirely subjective

    使得這個循環更加牢固

  • But that doesn't mean you throw objectivity out the window.

    主流媒體幾乎都只會玩最新的遊戲

  • You have to build your case with honest statements that even someone who disagrees with you could relate to.

    所以他們的標準都是以最近玩了什麼為主

  • Recently Gamespot gave the new Crash remaster a six out of ten, citing some abrupt difficulty spikes.

    接著你就會發現這群傢伙成天絞盡腦汁的 想在Metacritic上發表那款遊戲的第一個評論

  • But if you know Gamespot, you know these guys aren't exactly capable when it comes to platformers.

    好讓他們那些智障網站可以獲得更多的流量

  • "New Super Mario Brothers Wii is a tough game. Old school tough."

    結果就是,上頭充滿了一大堆低能到不行的 第一印象評論

  • Huh?

    "如今的音樂只要一出來啊"

  • "This will test even the most seasoned platforming veterans."

    "就會有人在一天之內寫出評論..."

  • "New Super Mario Brothers Wii is by far the most challenging game."

    "首先,你根本無法在一天之內為一張專輯評分"

  • "The game's high difficulty may initially scare off new players..."

    "那是不可能的事"

  • But why is my opinion more valid than this guy's?

    最好的評論必須是完全主觀的

  • Well first off, I've actually completed the fucking game!

    但這並不意味著你要把客觀性三個字完全丟掉

  • This dude got halfway through the game and put his review up! What the fuck?

    你必須要用誠實的陳述來撰寫你的評論 讓那些即便是不同意你的人都接受你的觀點

  • It's funny, because I think he's absolutely right.

    最近,Gamespot給了新出的袋狼大進擊6/10分 原因是難度驟增

  • Crash Bandicoot is a little rough on the controls and camera.

    但如果你夠了解Gamespot的話 你就知道這些人根本就不會玩平台遊戲

  • But it's completely doable until this fucking piece of shit dumb motherfucker turtle level.

    "新超級瑪利歐兄弟Wii是一款很困難的遊戲" "很老派的那種困難"

  • Who is responsible for this fucking abomination?

    蛤?

  • This has got to be one of the single worst levels I've ever seen in a video game.

    "這款遊戲即便是最經驗豐富的平台遊戲好手" "都是一種挑戰"

  • "The game can feel really old..."

    "新超級瑪利歐兄弟Wii可說是迄今為止最有挑戰性的遊戲"

  • "Depth perception is an issue."

    "它的難度一開始可能會嚇倒一些新加入的玩家"

  • "Stiff driving controls."

    那為什麼我的意見比這傢伙更加有參考性?

  • "Physics just don't always work."

    因為首先,我他媽的已經玩完這遊戲了

  • Dunkey: Piece 'a shit turtle-

    這傢伙才玩到一半就已經把評論寫完了!三小啊?

  • "Hit Detection in general can be a little weird."

    有趣的是,我覺得他說得很對

  • "Not quite as precise as it should be-"

    袋狼大進擊在控制和運鏡上有些問題

  • When Reggie was developing Mario 64

    但都還在可容許範圍內 直到這他媽這個雞掰烏龜關卡出現

  • He discovered that jumps requiring pinpoint precision

    到底是哪個傢伙負責做這坨屎的?

  • just did not fly in a 3D space.

    這絕對是我見過有史以來最爛的關卡之一

  • Naughty Dog, however said "fuck that shit,

    "感覺這遊戲很古老"

  • "Jump on the shitty turtle kid, except it won't even bounce you far enough to get over the fucking piece of shit bridge!"

    "深度感是個問題"

  • There's certainly a steeper than usual learning curve,

    "生硬的駕駛操作"

  • and the series has always been more impressive in my opinion on the visual end.

    "物理碰撞偶爾會出問題"

  • Crash looking at the boulder chasing him, water shimmering down a waterfall, an ancient temple illuminated by sunlight.

    你這小王八烏龜蛋

  • When you lose, Crash doesn't just disappear.

    "打擊判定有點奇怪"

  • He fucking gets incinerated.

    "操作沒有達到應有的精確性"

  • Fucking gets crushed by a big-ass boulder and destroyed.

    當年Reggie正在開發超級瑪莉歐64時

  • Pig knocks him off, breaks his spine.

    他意識到定位精確的跳躍

  • BOOM! Just turns into a little pancake.

    在3D空間中是行不通的

  • Falls in the water and freezes to death.

    然而頑皮狗卻說 "呷賽啦!"

  • He gets fucking killed in this game, man.

    "給我跳到那隻垃圾小烏龜身上" "否則你永遠都跳不過這座見鬼的橋"

  • When you finally conquer that ridiculous level, Crash says it all for you.

    這遊戲的學習曲線肯定比一般的要來得陡峭

  • He just goes...

    而在我看來,這個系列在畫面表現上一直都令我印象深刻

  • *Whew*

    袋狼會轉頭看正在追他的巨石

  • Great job! Except you missed one, two,

    反光熠熠的瀑布流水

  • three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven,

    一個被夕陽照射的古老寺廟

  • 21! 22! 23! 24!

    當你掛了,袋狼就不會單只是消失不見

  • 57! 58! 59! 60! 61-

    媽呀他居然被燒成灰了

  • 94, 95, 96, 97, 98.

    被天殺的巨岩輾過去

  • But hey, man, other than that you did a good job.

    豬豬把他撞飛,直接撞斷了他的脊椎

  • The presentation is top notch, and critics have most definitely taken notice.

    砰!變成薄薄一片了

  • But what's more important to a game like this, how it feels or how it looks?

    掉到水裡直接變成冰塊浮上來

  • Which leads into my final point: focus.

    他還能在遊戲中被幹掉啊老兄!

  • Remember when this video was about game critics? That's because I lost focus.

    當你終於征服那個可笑的關卡之後,袋狼會這麼做

  • Immediacy. Atmosphere. Variety. Replayability.

    他會說...

  • This is what I value in a game.

    "呼"

  • If the music sucks... *Yoshi's New Island - The Yoshi Clan*

    幹得好,不過你忘了1、2

  • *Yoshi's New Island - The Yoshi Clan*

    3、4、5、6、7、8、9、10、11

  • If the levels are uninspired, if there's constant downtime, the game is not fun.

    21! 22! 23! 24!

  • "If it's not fun, why bother?"

    57! 58! 59! 60! 61

  • I see a lot of reviews where the language doesn't really align with the final verdict.

    94, 95, 96, 97, 98

  • "The New Super Mario Brothers series has often felt like a watered down more casual attempt."

    不過,嘿老兄,除此之外你都幹得很好

  • "It's just a shame it doesn't push the system's visual or audio capabilities."

    它的表現手法是一流的,這點評論者們肯定都注意到了

  • "A bit of a disappointment. Numbing, generic bubbling music-"

    但對於像這樣的遊戲,更重要的是 它完起來感覺如何,或是它看起來好不好玩

  • "Playing with friends is still a bit of a chaotic mess."

    這也引出了我最後的重點:專注的方向

  • "By the time Mario U really starts to do interesting things, It's over."

    還記得這部影片是在講遊戲評論者嗎? 這就我是沒專注在主題上

  • Damn, he fucking hates this shit.

    即時性、氣氛營造、玩法多樣性、可再重溫性

  • What the fuck?

    這些是我評價一款遊戲的重點

  • "It has a little something for everyone."

    如果它的音樂很爛

GAME CRITICS FUCKIN' SUCK, RIGHT GUYS?

遊戲評論家爛透的,對吧各位?

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