My Father. Who's Yo Daddy?

My Father.  And he's better than your daddy.

Huh?

My daddy can bench press 400 pounds.  800 if he uses both arms.

My daddy can make a delicious pizza using nothing but found items from your backyard

My daddy ran a marathon in under 2 hours

on his hands.

My daddy was the lead singer of 90% of all popular 80s hair bands

My daddy runs the economy from an office buried deep within the earth's core.

My daddy catches swordfish with a fish sword.

A Fish Sword.

My daddy has a monkey butler that brings him bananas and fresh herbal teas

My daddy won a Pulitzer Prize the last time he wrote a list of groceries.

My daddy was arrested once for smelling too good and for being too handsome

My daddy kidnapped himself and then escaped instead of paying his own ransom.

My daddy jumped out of a plane and landed safely on another plane flying at a lower altitude.

My daddy conducted all the surveys used over the past 30 years on the Family Feud.

My daddy invented the wheel

My daddy invented inventions

My daddy put up a cardboard cutout of himself in our cul-de-sac for crime prevention.

My daddy is an astronaut fireman specializing in space fires.

My daddy plans to relax by working on a oil rig when he retires.

My daddy has a festival set up in his honor called "Dadcon," where people cosplay as my dad.

My daddy choreographed the knife fight for Michael Jackson's bad. 

You mean Beat it.

Yes. that.

My daddy can get gardens to grow just by looking at them in a nurturing manner.  

My daddy challenged the Hulk to a fight,

but the Hulk got scared and turned into Bruce Banner.  

My daddy won a best daddy competition where he and your daddy were the only competitors.

My daddy was an editor on Alien vs. Predator.

Really? 

Yeah, but he was uncredited.  

My daddy is an olympic gold medalist

in all events except "Not Being Awesome"

My daddy genetically engineered a plant to grow fully-fried onion blossoms.

My daddy could beat up your daddy.  

That's it?

Yup.

My daddy was elected president, but he turned it down because he was like "I don't feel like it"

My daddy released the kraken

just so he could smite it.

My daddy wins at every card game he plays except solitaire, where it's a draw.

My daddy has never failed to retrieve a prize at that game with the claw.

My daddy created a bbq recipe beloved by people of both north AND south carolina.

My daddy was asked to build a fence once. 

Maybe you've heard of it, it's called The Great Wall of China.

My daddy can teleport

My daddy has telekinesis 

My daddy can telekinesisport,

meaning he has the ability to move objects with his mind

and then mentally transport himself over to where he moved them

so he can then use that object over in the place that he moved it to. 

My daddy knows how to end a song perfectly, just like I do!