which we have been told is

the restaurant capital of the United States

We're gonna test that theory out today by going to the best restaurants that Houston has to offer!

[M] Now I'm a little concerned cuz we're jamming this all into like, one day

And Simon has like a really fragile, baby tummy

[S] Whaaat?

[M] So he's gonna tap out by round 3

[S] Girl you crazy, you tapping out by round 2!

[M] Bo bo bo I'm Simon! I'm full! I'm on a low-carb diet!

Oooh! Bo bo bo

[S] I'm here for meat! This is the right place for me! Right?!

[M] Are you kidding me?

YOU'RE GOING DOWN!

[S] YOU'RE going down!

[M] YOU'RE going down!!

[S] YOU'RE GOING DOWN!!!

[M] You're going dooown!!

[S] I love you so much

[Both] Oooh! *kissy noises*

[Country-ish music~]

[M] So you...wait... Leigh...

I'm so confused...

[S] I'm getting all misty-eyed right now

[M] Okay so...

[S] Huh

[M] So we could do like... [S] Huh huh... huh huh

[S+M] HAHAHAHA HA

[M] Is this vegetable low-carb? Of course ;)

[Background music]

*drool*

[S] Shiner Bock!

Is there a place in Texas called Shiner? This is so great!

[S+M] Lone Star!

[M] It's the national beer of Texas!

[L] It is!

*Giggling gleefully at the foods and meats*

[S] So I got the beef brisket dinner with potato salad, some jambalaya…

and...the most glorious piece of bread I have ever seen

[M] It's like a jalapeño bread [S] Cheesy, covered in jalapeño.

And you can't see this right now, but I'm so erect that the table is lifted up another couple of feet.

[M] I got the po-boy with two kinds of meat: jalapeño sausage

and this is the beef brisket on a french bread thingamabob

We also got a baked potato which seems to be filled with meat

[S] It's more like meat with a side of baked potato

[M] aaand...then we got the beef brisket. We got the...czech(?) sausage

[S] And the ribs [M] and the ribs with uh...jalapeño bread

[S] Jambalaya [M] Jambalaya and the jambalaya pinto beans

[M] I don't understand what I do here! [S] Oh man!

[M] I'm coming in, going on your side [S] Oh man!

[M] Okay...alright...here I go

[S] I'm ready...I'm ready! Share with me

[M] Mmm!

*DOTHRAKI MAN WARRIOR BITE*

[M] That's great!

[S] I love how no nonsense this is. It's not like we have

*cue European music* like, a reduction foam or whatnot

like we got good meat, we got good bread, put 'em together and eat it

That's how it should be!

How's that rib? Is that a good rib?

[M] You're not gonna like it

[S] It's a great rib! [M] Right?

[S] It's a great rib. [M] I know.

Leigh, this is a great choice! [M] Mmhmm!

*Thumbs up*

[M] Kay [S] Well done!

I love...living right now.

[M] Ha! You're gonna hate it in... ([S] I love living right now!)

about 20 minutes when you're like “I can't eat anymore

[L] Hey [S] Uhh! [L] Hey

[S] Huhhh!

[M] This can't be stop one… *in denial* [L] Yeah yeah…

[M] *whiny* I'm full and I wanna sleep

What's a beignet? [S] What's a beignets?

[M] Is it dessert?

[S] Let's go for beignets… [M] Alright...let's go for beignets

[M] Alright we are in Crescent City...Beignet Shop...?

I don't know what to say about this, but I didn't even know what a beignet was

*high-pitched scream of horror*

And apparently it is a delicious, puffy, awesome-looking, freshly cooked...Look at this!

[S] You see how much sugar is on here? Watch this…

*Sugar snow*

*Simon coughing on the sugar, Martina laughing*

[S] So I feel like when I'm talking…

GOLD DUST~

[M] Mm'kay I understand now why there's sugar on this.

This is not as sweet as I thought it would be, which is great!

This is like, totally my style of old person food. Oh yeah!

[M] And then he just dump honey alllll over his beard again

[S] Is it impossible to get it out of my beard?

[M] Ohh ducky!

[S] I'm trying so hard

[M] Oh bo...with a k.o.

[S] I'm just a mess. I'm sticky...and my beard doesn't feel right

How you're s'posed to eat this?!

There's no civilized way…

[L] Leigh's section...Simon's Section…

Fellow Texans, I know you might be wondering why we took them for beignets

when beignets is a Louisiana food

SHHHH!!

It's okay!

Feel free to express your anger and displeasure in the comments section below.

We'll be taking notes

[S] THE BEIGNETS STAYS!!

[L] The beignets stays

[Laid-back music]

[S] Kay, let's order! [M] I'm seriously not ready yet

[S] Yes you are [M] No I'm not! [S] Pick one!

[M] Look at this! [S] Pick one!

[M] It's all PIE!

I want Strawberry Rhubarb... [S]I want Strawberry Rhubarb!

[M] I want the Cherry... I want the Coconut Merengue...

[S] I want the Merengoo… [M] I want Lemon Merengoo…

[S] I want Coconut Cream [M] Coconut Cream...I wanna get the “Bayou Goo”...

[S] Bayou Goo... [M] I'd like to try the Bavarian Chocolate and Bavarian Banana

We can't do all that...Okay...

[M] I like the Fresh Peach...Then I'm gonna go for the Coconut Custard...followed by the Texas Pecan Fudge.

I will have the Key Lime after that… shortly followed by the Lemon Ice Box…

And then I might finish that all off with a Mini Pecan Pie because I don't wanna be excessive

[S] I'm gonna go for the Strawberry Rubbarb

[M] Oh Simon…

[S] Soozee's looks greeat.

That looks….legit

[M] Thank you!

[S] I got the Strawberry Rhubarb. Soozee's and Leigh's look phenomenal!

[M] What do ya mean Soozee's and Leigh's? These are OUR's. It's a team effort to eat all of this.

[S] That's a good Strawberry Rhubarb! Haven't had that flavor in so long!

[M] Oh my God! That's a great Coconut Cream Pie! Mmmm!

[S] OOOOH!! [M] RIGHT?

*scene repeated with extra distortion lol*

[M] I used to get this as a kid [S] Oh my…!

[M] Way, way, way, way, way, way, way back in the day [S] Okay, that's the winner so far

[M] Alright. Mmm..

[S] This one looks perfect. Look at that crust!

This is the nice, flakey crust

[M] Graham cracker

[S] Look how velvety smooth that is!

*The glory of pie renders Simon speechless*

[M] Uh oh... The cream pie just got out-ranked?

[S] The texture of it is just like...

becomes a...

a condom in your mouth

[M] A condom in your mouth…

[S] It like wraps everything up, like a

thin sheen

[S] Just, all there like the

sinuses, are coated [M] That's amazing

[S] I've never had any feeling like that before

[M] Alright Leigh, which one's your favorite?

[M] Soozie says? [Simon] Icebox

[Soozie] Icebox [M] Icebox. Simon says?

[S] Coconut and then icebox

[M] Coconut and icebox then rhubarb then lemon meringue

[S] I'm so full!

[M] Pull yourself together!

[S] Stop making me eat!

[M] Pull yourself together man!!

[S] I can't do it I'm too weak!

[S] Now we're at Esteros Tierra Caliente

[S] Is that right?

[M] Might have nailed it

[S] Yes! No, there's no s.

[M] Oh, Simon.

[S] Almost. We're at Estio Tierra Caliente

[M] Yes it is an awesome Mexican food truck

[S] We've heard about it before, we've never actually been there

and we're really excited to try it out.

[M] We've definitely never been there before

[S] Oh that's delightful.

[M] Mmm

[M] It's like a taco

[S] Okay so we were there yesterday and we pretty much had everything on

the menu. [M] And it was amazing

[S] But we're ready to have it again because it was the best

taco truck ever.

[S] Hello. [Woman] Hi. [M] Hello

[S] Oh yes

[M and S] Thank you

[S] Ahh.

[S] Let's bring our lunch bags to- let's bring our lunch bags to the tables

[M] The west Alabama ice house

[Woman] We used to like- my grandfather owned the bar

we used to like sell groceries [M] That's amazing!

[S] Your grandfather owned this bar?

[S] That is so amazing

[S] And you're here right now working it

[Woman] I'm here working it

[S] That is

[M] That is totally amazing. [S] amazing

[Woman] It's a family business

[S] This is such a wonderful little place

[S] This is gonna be one of my fondest memories

of this whole tour

[M] Soozie's like "I'm already eating everything"

[S] Soozie's already done

[S] Look at that

[S] Ahh. This right here

This is the money shot

[M] I'll have to try some

[S] I'm so happy right now

[S] I am so happy right now.

[S] What's great about this is that the beef here tastes so different than

Korean beef. I don't like Korean beef at all

But this beef here has a sweetness to it.

[S] Oh man. Cause this beef doesn't taste like

Korean beef at all

[M] Are you gonna eat all of it? Can I have a bite?

[S] Yeah

[S] You can have one bite, that's it

[S] And then you're done

[S] Look at it shining. You can see my reflection of my face in the fingers.

[M] Just even it out

[Soozie] What is this?

[S] It's like quesidilla

[S] Yeah

[S] (Gibberish)

[M] We dropped it, it's gone

[S] This is so greasy

You can see the paper underneath

is now transparent

[S] This is like a Korean face mask now that I can put on

and absorb the spirit of Texas.

I can at least lick it

[M] Oh Simon no

[S] That was a bad idea

[M] That was a terrible idea

[S] Not gonna do that again

[M] We made it!

[S] We are so full from all the eating and drinking that we've done

but I am pretty sure that if we didn't do a video in front of WhataBurger

we would be henceforth banned from Texas

So we are going to have late night WhataBurger

because that's what we're supposed to do

[M] I just wanna say, we lost Leigh

Soozie's barely hanging in there

[S] Soozie

[S and M] WhataBurger! Whataburger! Whataburger! WhataBurger!

[M] According to Twitter we were supposed to get the Patty Melt

which I think is in Texas style toast

[S] Okay

[M] Is my guess

[M] So we got a Patty Melt which looks like cheese and burger and toast

[M] And we got the honey butter biscuit [S] This is a honey butter chicken biscuit

[M] And sweet tea

[S] Let's go

[M] Ching

[M] I believe I requested some sugar in my tea

[S] Soozie this is

pretty sweet

[M] Did you try the sweet tea Soozie?

[M] That was like exactly my reaction

[Soozie] Wow

[Soozie] They don't mess around with sweet

[M] Right?

[M] Good?

[S] Oh mercy

[M] This is something you make at home

when you don't have buns

[S] I know. Yup

[M] Look at these grilled onions in here

[S] You see that?