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  • I did so much traveling, my passport expired. Last summer I had to renew my passport.

  • I don't know about in America, but in Canada, on your new passport photos, you're not allowed to smile.

  • That's new rule, you're not allowed to smile.This is their way of fighting terrorism.

  • [Laughter]

  • This is how they're going to catch the terrorists. You can't smile.

  • That's the message they're sending you. If you can't-- if you're traveling, you'd better not be happy.

  • [Laughter]

  • I didn't know, right? I'm in the mall, I walk into one of those places that says,

  • "We do passport photos." I walk in, I'm like,

  • "Yo, I need some passport photos." The guy goes,

  • [Indian accent] "No problem, buddy, sit down."

  • [Laughter]

  • Which really pissed me off, because he was a white guy, and I don't know why he was talking like that, right, so--

  • [Laughter]

  • I think he was mocking me.

  • [Laughter]

  • So, I sit down, the guy goes, "You ready?" I go, "Yeah."

  • It's a picture, and I'm a happy guy so I figure, "alright." He goes, "You ready?"

  • And I smile. I'm like this--

  • [Laughter]

  • The guy goes, "Uh sir, sir--

  • your lips need to be touching."

  • [Low laughter]

  • [Laughter increases]

  • "Alright."

  • [Laughter]

  • "Sir-- Sir, you can't smile."

  • Not like that, I can't smile, of course.

  • That's their way. This is how they really think they're gonna find the terrorism.

  • By making you not smile. You want to find the terrorists? Make everybody smile.

  • The people that don't want to smile - question them!

  • [Laughter]

  • When have you ever been watching CNN, and they show you the terrorists that they're looking for,

  • and those guys are happy? Never!

  • [Laughter]

  • You never see, like, a shot of the terrorists standing around going--

  • [Laughter and Clapping]

  • You know, there's never the one joker terrorist guy, with his thumb on the detonator--

  • [Middle eastern accent] "I'll do it! I'll do it! I'll--"

  • "Ha! You flinched, you bastard! I saw you flinch!"

  • [Laughter]

  • So, I wasn't allowed to smile. So now, if it wasn't bad enough,

  • being a brown man, going through the airports, now, when I give thme my passport,

  • I looked pissed off.

  • [Laughter]

  • My picture, in my passport's like this--

  • They get my passport, "Oh, Mr. Peters--"

  • "Uh, step this way please."

  • "Have a few words with you."

  • It's hard, man, 'cause security at the airport, Customs, Immigration--

  • they really need to learn the difference, between a terrorist, and an Indian.

  • [Laughter]

  • We're not the same!

  • We're not!

  • We're not from the same part of the world, we don't speak the same language,

  • we don't eat the same food-- we don't even hate the same people!

  • [Laughter]

  • Terrorists hate Americans.

  • Indians hate each other!

  • [Laughter]

  • A terrorist, will blow up an airport.

  • Indians like to work, at the airport!

  • [indian accent] "That would be counter-productive."

  • [Laughter]

  • I know a lot of white people are nervous, about flying, nowadays, and I understand, to a certain degree,

  • but I had one white dude come up to me, he goes,

  • "No man, I don't fly anymore."

  • "You never know when shit's gonna go down up there."

  • [Laughter]

  • I go, "What? Nothing's going down up there, dude!

  • [White guy] "Yeah, well, you never know."

  • [Laughter]

  • And I understand, you know what I mean? You're a little panicked, a little bit,

  • but think about it reasonably, you know what I mean? Think about it logically.

  • Think about what airline you're getting on, where you're getting on the plane, where you're flying to,

  • you know what I mean? That all factors into your whole "terrorist theory."

  • I was on a JetBlue flight--

  • [Laughter]

  • See, JetBlue is funny enough!

  • [Laughter]

  • I was on a JetBlue flight, from Buffalo, New York to Laguardia.

  • It was like, a 30-seat "playen."

  • [Indian accent] "Plane"

  • Oh my God, my "Indian Tourette's," is acting up!

  • [American accent] "30 seat--"

  • [Indian accent] "plane!"

  • We all go through it.

  • So, I get on board this little plane. It's a 45-minute flight

  • I walk on board, this older white lady sees me, grabs her bag, and goes,

  • [Shocked voice] "Oh my God!"

  • [Laughter]

  • I'm like, "What?!"

  • "You think I'm a terrorist?! On friggin' JetBlue?!"

  • [Laughter]

  • "What am I, the 'low self-esteem terrorist?"

  • [Laughter and Clapping]

  • "Yeah, I don't want to kill a lot of us today."

  • [Laughter]

  • "I thought I'd start off with 30--"

  • [Laughter]

  • Tomorrow, "Southwest!"

  • [Laughter and Applause]

  • Just think about it, logically, you know?

  • I remember I was on a flight, like, two weeks after 9/11--

  • I sat down beside this white guy, he almost shit his pants!

  • [Laughter]

  • I sat down, the guy's like this--

  • [Dramatically wheezing]

  • [Laughter]

  • About half an hour into the flight, I reach for my bag, the guy goes,

  • [Yelling] "Oh my God, no!"

  • [Laughter]

  • I'm like, "Relax you jackass!"

  • "I'm just getting my Discman."

  • "Gotta listen to my instructions."

  • [Laughter and Applause]

  • ♪♪

I did so much traveling, my passport expired. Last summer I had to renew my passport.

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A2 初級 美國腔

"恐怖分子與印度人"|羅素-彼得斯--外包。 ("Terrorists vs Indians" | Russell Peters - Outsourced)

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    Yukiko 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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