I just hang out at the house. I hang out with my cat

我在家都無所事事，和我的貓一起瞎混

I got a cat named Jessica (audience chuckles)

我有一隻貓咪叫潔西卡 (觀眾暗自發笑)

Thank you. I'm a cat person, are there any other cat people out there?

謝謝，我是愛貓人士，也有其他愛貓人士在這裡嗎？

(some audience members cheer)

(觀眾歡呼)

Got some cat people here nice. I'm guessing the rest of you are dog people is that what it is yeah?

有愛貓人士在這真好，我猜其他的人都是愛狗人士對嗎？

(audience cheers)

(觀眾歡呼)

Yeah, I'm not anti dog , you know, every time I tell someone I'm a cat person

我不是討厭狗，但每當我告訴其他人我是愛貓人士

What does that mean? You don't like dogs? No, that's not what that means it just means. I like other people's dogs (laughter)

你那是什麼意思？你不喜歡狗嗎？不，我不是這個意思，我喜歡其他人的狗 (笑聲)

I like dogs. I just like them over there and I'll play with them, but then go back over there

我喜歡狗，我只喜歡望著牠們和牠們玩耍，但回到現實

I don't like that kind of energy in my house

我不喜歡狗狗那樣的活力充滿我家

You know what I mean that annoying dog best friend in your face all the time energy, just like "YEEAAAAHH!"

你知道我的意思，你是狗最好的朋友，你的臉上隨時都要保持熱情，像這樣「耶！」

"I LOVE YOU HAHAHAHA!"

「我愛你 哈哈哈哈！」

"YOU'RE HOME WHERE'VE YOU BEEN??? NYAHAHAHAHAH!!"

「你回家了嗎？哈哈哈哈哈！」

It creeps me out. I don't care for that

這讓我感到害怕，我不在乎那些

I don't like that at all, just in your face like "YOU WANNA GO OUT?? THERE'S A TREE!"

我完全不喜歡那樣，像這樣「你想要出去嗎？有一棵樹！」

"I KNOW THIS TREE! YOU WANNA HANG OUT AT THIS TREE?? WHAT IF I JUST KEEP BREATHING INTO YOUR FACE? HAHAHAHAHA!"

「我知道這是樹！你想要在樹旁閒逛？如果我只是在你的臉上呼吸，我會怎麼樣？哈哈哈哈哈！」

EEugh

哎呀！

All the time? No thank you

每時每刻？不，謝謝

That's why I like cats cats more like "Hey, what are you up to? Nevermind I just remembered. I don't care"

這就是為什麼比起狗我比較喜歡貓，貓表示「嘿，你在幹嘛？沒關係我只記得我不在乎。」

"I'll be in the kitchen, I'll see you later."

「我會在廚房，晚點見。」

I Like that. I don't need a best friend at the house. I just need like an apathetic roommate

我喜歡那樣，在家我不需要最好的朋友，我只需要一個冷漠的室友

That sometimes wants to hang out

有時候想要瞎混

Like a dog you can pet a dog's belly all day. They'll never get tired of it

像狗的話，你可以摸狗的肚子一整天，他們從不感到厭倦

Just all day just like "Yeah, man. Never stop. You're the best! HAHAHAHA!"

就一整天，狗表示「嘿~不要停，你是最棒的！哈哈哈哈！」

Hopefully not that creepy, but you get the idea

希望不是那麼毛骨悚然，但你明白了

A cat you can pet for what two, maybe three seconds since it's like "All right get away from me."

像貓的話，你可以摸大概兩到三秒，然後貓表示「好了，離我遠一點。」

"I got my own things going on, I got a pile of clean laundry to lay on, get away from me."

「我有自己的東西，我有一堆乾淨的衣服在上面，離我遠一點。」

That's what my cat does it waits for the pile of clean laundry

這就是我的貓為一堆乾淨的衣服所做的等待

We haven't folded yet, and just rubs on it while making eye contact. Just like "Mm-hmm."

我們還沒摺衣服，當眼神交會時，牠只是在上面摩擦衣服，表示「恩哼！」

"Everyone's gonna know."

「大家就懂意思了。」

So bothersome

太麻煩了

My wife, she has a new hobby, she's really into special needs animals. I don't know if that's made its way out here in Provo

我的妻子有個新嗜好，她真的很喜歡有特殊需求的動物，我不知道這是不是在普羅沃這裡才有的嗜好

If you don't know what special needs animals. They're animals, they have special needs

特殊需求的動物就是動物有特殊需要

(audience laughs) That is all

(觀眾大笑) 就這樣

There's this one, Oscar the blind cat, it was a cat

有一隻盲貓叫奧斯卡，牠是一隻

That was born without any eyes, and they have a like page on Facebook and my wife goes on there every day and cries

出生就沒有眼睛的貓，臉書上有一個專為牠設立的紛絲專頁，我的妻子每天都會去瀏覽然後大哭

And that's what she does for fun. That's what she does for a good time, and it's weird cuz I come home

這就是她覺得好玩的地方，她享受做這件事的時光，而且這很奇怪因為我回家後

And she's just on the computer (crying noises)

她只是在上網 (哭泣的聲音)

And you know me being a guy I was thinking something I did

你懂我應該要思考我是不是做了什麼

And then she goes no, and then she turns the computer and it's Oscar the blind cat "Look at Oscar."

然後她轉動電腦，是盲貓奧斯卡，她說「你看奧斯卡。」

And he's adorable he has no eyes

他很可愛，他沒有眼睛

(whimper)

(嗚咽)

and I'm like (mournful sigh)

然後我就悲傷地嘆氣

And she goes "I want a special-needs animal, I want one." I'm like "You don't ask for one you get bestowed one.

然後她說：「我想要一隻有特殊需求的動物。」我表示「你不要求一個你已經得到的人。」

Cuz I don't know. What do you you can't just go to the pound be like

因為我不知道，你不能到領養動物的地方說

"Hey, hey, what do you have in the back?" like that's not how that works

「嘿，你背後有什麼？」好像不是那麼有效

"I need like a three-legged dog or a cat with something. What do you have?"

「我需要三條腿的狗或是有特殊需求貓，你有什麼？」

You can't do that

你不可以這麼做

You know we got Jessica at the pound, that's where we got Jessica, and we didn't name her Jessica

你知道我們在領養動物的地方領了潔西卡，我們並沒有幫牠取名為潔西卡

They named her at the pound and people always ask. Why don't you change your name cuz that's wrong. You don't change someone's name

是他們在那裏取的名字，很多人總會問為什麼你不幫牠改名字，因為這是錯的，你不會改某人的名字

That's rude like if you adopt a kid from another country. You can't just be like "Yep can't pronounce that your name's Jeff now."

就像如果你從另一個國家領養小孩，你改他的名字是很無禮的，你不能說「Yep 不好發音，所以你從現在起就叫杰夫。」

That's rude. You learn that person's name so I got a cat named Jessica

這是很無禮的，你知道那個人的名字，所以我有一隻名字叫潔西卡的貓

Very much your thing

這很有事

Jessica's overweight she weighs more than she should for a cat

潔西卡超重，她已經超過貓該有的體重了

Which sucks cuz when people come over no one blames the cat in that scenario

這很糟糕，因為在這情況下當人們看到時不會責怪貓

You know what I mean no one comes over and goes what happened here, sweetheart a little heavy on the carbs? No

你知道我的意思，沒有人會去探討其中發生的事情，她吃過多澱粉類嗎？

They look at you, and they go what'd you do to her?

他們會看著你，表示你對她做了什麼？

And that's not fair cuz I try we have the laser pointer. I got the stick with the feather

這很不公平，因為我試著用激光筆，我拿著羽毛棒

I'm always running around my house "Come on, sweetheart. Let's get the cardio going"

我總是在家裡跑來跑去「來吧！甜心，我們一起做有氧運動。」

She's not that into it, my wife and I we bought diet formula kibble

她不是很喜歡，我和妻子買了飲食配方奶粉

They make diet formula kibble, and they have rules just one cup per day cuz you're on a diet Jessica

這個奶粉有個使用方法，因為潔西卡在減肥，所以一天只能一杯

We tried

我們真的試過了

But then at 2:00 in the morning Jessica would come into our bedroom at night climb onto our bed and then stand on my head

但是當凌晨兩點，潔西卡會跑到我們的房間，然後爬到床上，站在我的頭上

Twenty two and a half pounds of her you guys on my skull and she would come down into my ear and just go

22.5 英鎊的她站在我的頭骨上，她會在我的耳邊

"MEEEEEEEERRRRRR, MEEEEEEEEERRR"

「喵~~喵~~」

and I'm like "Yeah, you're right this diet is over. I had no idea that's how you felt about it. I apologize."

然後我就會「你贏了，減肥計畫結束了。我不知道你怎麼想的，我很抱歉。」

"I'm getting up right now and cooking you some bacon. Let's get after it."

「我馬上起來，為你烹煮一些培根，我們來做吧！」

(audience claps)

(觀眾掌聲)

I don't have any children

我沒有小孩

But if I'm out in public and I see a parent of an overweight child I make eye

但如果我在公共場所看到有過重孩子的父母時，我會

Contact and I go "I get it.

和他們眼神交會「我懂的。」

"Does the little fella standing on your head at night and scream in your ear?"

「那個小傢伙晚上會站在你頭上，然後在你耳邊尖叫嗎？」

"I get it give him what he wants, we need our sleep."

「我給她她想要的，我們需要睡覺。」

My wife and I we sleep on a memory foam mattress

我和我的妻子睡在記憶泡沫床墊上

That's what we say, but anyone else here rockin the memory foam mattress? It's the best mattress in the world

這就是我們所說的，但是這裡的其他任何人都在記憶泡沫床墊嗎？它是世界上最好的床墊

It's most comfortable is it not? It's the best, that mattress is made for sleeping and sleeping only

它是最舒服的對吧？這是最好的，床墊只用於睡覺

Don't do anything else on my mattress, it was not created for that

不要在我的床墊上做其他事情，它不是為此而創造的

That is not why scientists came together

這不是科學家聚在一起的原因

just make for resting comfortably and that is it

只是用來舒服的休息，就這樣

I know cuz we tried and it sucks every time. It's like trying to wrestle in quicksand

我知道因為我們嘗試過，每次都很糟糕。這就像試圖在流沙中摔跤

It is the worst you just start sinking in slowly

這是你剛開始緩慢下沉最糟的事情

(audience laughing)

(觀眾大笑)

"Stay calm, stay calm! Just try to get your leg out just breathe keep your eyes open!"

「冷靜，冷靜！試著把腿伸出去，保持呼吸並且眼睛睜開！

"Keep your eyes on the horizon try to get your leg out, get your leg out! I'm gonna get some help, Jessica!"

「把目光放在地平線上盡量讓你的腿伸出來，讓你的腿伸出來！我需要幫忙，潔西卡！」

"We need some help!"

「我需要幫忙！」

But she can't help, she just stands on our backs and pushes us in further

但她無法幫忙，她只會站在我們的背上，讓我們更下沉

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