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  • I really am a boring person when I'm home.

    當我在家時,我真的是個很無聊的人

  • I just hang out at the house. I hang out with my cat

    我在家都無所事事,和我的貓一起瞎混

  • I got a cat named Jessica (audience chuckles)

    我有一隻貓咪叫潔西卡 (觀眾暗自發笑)

  • Thank you. I'm a cat person, are there any other cat people out there?

    謝謝,我是愛貓人士,也有其他愛貓人士在這裡嗎?

  • (some audience members cheer)

    (觀眾歡呼)

  • Got some cat people here nice. I'm guessing the rest of you are dog people is that what it is yeah?

    有愛貓人士在這真好,我猜其他的人都是愛狗人士對嗎?

  • (audience cheers)

    (觀眾歡呼)

  • Yeah, I'm not anti dog , you know, every time I tell someone I'm a cat person

    我不是討厭狗,但每當我告訴其他人我是愛貓人士

  • What does that mean? You don't like dogs? No, that's not what that means it just means. I like other people's dogs (laughter)

    你那是什麼意思?你不喜歡狗嗎?不,我不是這個意思,我喜歡其他人的狗 (笑聲)

  • I like dogs. I just like them over there and I'll play with them, but then go back over there

    我喜歡狗,我只喜歡望著牠們和牠們玩耍,但回到現實

  • I don't like that kind of energy in my house

    我不喜歡狗狗那樣的活力充滿我家

  • You know what I mean that annoying dog best friend in your face all the time energy, just like "YEEAAAAHH!"

    你知道我的意思,你是狗最好的朋友,你的臉上隨時都要保持熱情,像這樣「耶!」

  • "I LOVE YOU HAHAHAHA!"

    「我愛你 哈哈哈哈!」

  • "YOU'RE HOME WHERE'VE YOU BEEN??? NYAHAHAHAHAH!!"

    「你回家了嗎?哈哈哈哈哈!」

  • It creeps me out. I don't care for that

    這讓我感到害怕,我不在乎那些

  • I don't like that at all, just in your face like "YOU WANNA GO OUT?? THERE'S A TREE!"

    我完全不喜歡那樣,像這樣「你想要出去嗎?有一棵樹!」

  • "I KNOW THIS TREE! YOU WANNA HANG OUT AT THIS TREE?? WHAT IF I JUST KEEP BREATHING INTO YOUR FACE? HAHAHAHAHA!"

    「我知道這是樹!你想要在樹旁閒逛?如果我只是在你的臉上呼吸,我會怎麼樣?哈哈哈哈哈!」

  • EEugh

    哎呀!

  • All the time? No thank you

    每時每刻?不,謝謝

  • That's why I like cats cats more like "Hey, what are you up to? Nevermind I just remembered. I don't care"

    這就是為什麼比起狗我比較喜歡貓,貓表示「嘿,你在幹嘛?沒關係我只記得我不在乎。」

  • "I'll be in the kitchen, I'll see you later."

    「我會在廚房,晚點見。」

  • I Like that. I don't need a best friend at the house. I just need like an apathetic roommate

    我喜歡那樣,在家我不需要最好的朋友,我只需要一個冷漠的室友

  • That sometimes wants to hang out

    有時候想要瞎混

  • Like a dog you can pet a dog's belly all day. They'll never get tired of it

    像狗的話,你可以摸狗的肚子一整天,他們從不感到厭倦

  • Just all day just like "Yeah, man. Never stop. You're the best! HAHAHAHA!"

    就一整天,狗表示「嘿~不要停,你是最棒的!哈哈哈哈!」

  • Hopefully not that creepy, but you get the idea

    希望不是那麼毛骨悚然,但你明白了

  • A cat you can pet for what two, maybe three seconds since it's like "All right get away from me."

    像貓的話,你可以摸大概兩到三秒,然後貓表示「好了,離我遠一點。」

  • "I got my own things going on, I got a pile of clean laundry to lay on, get away from me."

    「我有自己的東西,我有一堆乾淨的衣服在上面,離我遠一點。」

  • That's what my cat does it waits for the pile of clean laundry

    這就是我的貓為一堆乾淨的衣服所做的等待

  • We haven't folded yet, and just rubs on it while making eye contact. Just like "Mm-hmm."

    我們還沒摺衣服,當眼神交會時,牠只是在上面摩擦衣服,表示「恩哼!」

  • "Everyone's gonna know."

    「大家就懂意思了。」

  • So bothersome

    太麻煩了

  • My wife, she has a new hobby, she's really into special needs animals. I don't know if that's made its way out here in Provo

    我的妻子有個新嗜好,她真的很喜歡有特殊需求的動物,我不知道這是不是在普羅沃這裡才有的嗜好

  • If you don't know what special needs animals. They're animals, they have special needs

    特殊需求的動物就是動物有特殊需要

  • (audience laughs) That is all

    (觀眾大笑) 就這樣

  • There's this one, Oscar the blind cat, it was a cat

    有一隻盲貓叫奧斯卡,牠是一隻

  • That was born without any eyes, and they have a like page on Facebook and my wife goes on there every day and cries

    出生就沒有眼睛的貓,臉書上有一個專為牠設立的紛絲專頁,我的妻子每天都會去瀏覽然後大哭

  • And that's what she does for fun. That's what she does for a good time, and it's weird cuz I come home

    這就是她覺得好玩的地方,她享受做這件事的時光,而且這很奇怪因為我回家後

  • And she's just on the computer (crying noises)

    她只是在上網 (哭泣的聲音)

  • And you know me being a guy I was thinking something I did

    你懂我應該要思考我是不是做了什麼

  • And then she goes no, and then she turns the computer and it's Oscar the blind cat "Look at Oscar."

    然後她轉動電腦,是盲貓奧斯卡,她說「你看奧斯卡。」

  • And he's adorable he has no eyes

    他很可愛,他沒有眼睛

  • (whimper)

    (嗚咽)

  • and I'm like (mournful sigh)

    然後我就悲傷地嘆氣

  • And she goes "I want a special-needs animal, I want one." I'm like "You don't ask for one you get bestowed one.

    然後她說:「我想要一隻有特殊需求的動物。」我表示「你不要求一個你已經得到的人。」

  • Cuz I don't know. What do you you can't just go to the pound be like

    因為我不知道,你不能到領養動物的地方說

  • "Hey, hey, what do you have in the back?" like that's not how that works

    「嘿,你背後有什麼?」好像不是那麼有效

  • "I need like a three-legged dog or a cat with something. What do you have?"

    「我需要三條腿的狗或是有特殊需求貓,你有什麼?」

  • You can't do that

    你不可以這麼做

  • You know we got Jessica at the pound, that's where we got Jessica, and we didn't name her Jessica

    你知道我們在領養動物的地方領了潔西卡,我們並沒有幫牠取名為潔西卡

  • They named her at the pound and people always ask. Why don't you change your name cuz that's wrong. You don't change someone's name

    是他們在那裏取的名字,很多人總會問為什麼你不幫牠改名字,因為這是錯的,你不會改某人的名字

  • That's rude like if you adopt a kid from another country. You can't just be like "Yep can't pronounce that your name's Jeff now."

    就像如果你從另一個國家領養小孩,你改他的名字是很無禮的,你不能說「Yep 不好發音,所以你從現在起就叫杰夫。」

  • That's rude. You learn that person's name so I got a cat named Jessica

    這是很無禮的,你知道那個人的名字,所以我有一隻名字叫潔西卡的貓

  • Very much your thing

    這很有事

  • Jessica's overweight she weighs more than she should for a cat

    潔西卡超重,她已經超過貓該有的體重了

  • Which sucks cuz when people come over no one blames the cat in that scenario

    這很糟糕,因為在這情況下當人們看到時不會責怪貓

  • You know what I mean no one comes over and goes what happened here, sweetheart a little heavy on the carbs? No

    你知道我的意思,沒有人會去探討其中發生的事情,她吃過多澱粉類嗎?

  • They look at you, and they go what'd you do to her?

    他們會看著你,表示你對她做了什麼?

  • And that's not fair cuz I try we have the laser pointer. I got the stick with the feather

    這很不公平,因為我試著用激光筆,我拿著羽毛棒

  • I'm always running around my house "Come on, sweetheart. Let's get the cardio going"

    我總是在家裡跑來跑去「來吧!甜心,我們一起做有氧運動。」

  • She's not that into it, my wife and I we bought diet formula kibble

    她不是很喜歡,我和妻子買了飲食配方奶粉

  • They make diet formula kibble, and they have rules just one cup per day cuz you're on a diet Jessica

    這個奶粉有個使用方法,因為潔西卡在減肥,所以一天只能一杯

  • We tried

    我們真的試過了

  • But then at 2:00 in the morning Jessica would come into our bedroom at night climb onto our bed and then stand on my head

    但是當凌晨兩點,潔西卡會跑到我們的房間,然後爬到床上,站在我的頭上

  • Twenty two and a half pounds of her you guys on my skull and she would come down into my ear and just go

    22.5 英鎊的她站在我的頭骨上,她會在我的耳邊

  • "MEEEEEEEERRRRRR, MEEEEEEEEERRR"

    「喵~~喵~~」

  • and I'm like "Yeah, you're right this diet is over. I had no idea that's how you felt about it. I apologize."

    然後我就會「你贏了,減肥計畫結束了。我不知道你怎麼想的,我很抱歉。」

  • "I'm getting up right now and cooking you some bacon. Let's get after it."

    「我馬上起來,為你烹煮一些培根,我們來做吧!」

  • (audience claps)

    (觀眾掌聲)

  • I don't have any children

    我沒有小孩

  • But if I'm out in public and I see a parent of an overweight child I make eye

    但如果我在公共場所看到有過重孩子的父母時,我會

  • Contact and I go "I get it.

    和他們眼神交會「我懂的。」

  • "Does the little fella standing on your head at night and scream in your ear?"

    「那個小傢伙晚上會站在你頭上,然後在你耳邊尖叫嗎?」

  • "I get it give him what he wants, we need our sleep."

    「我給她她想要的,我們需要睡覺。」

  • My wife and I we sleep on a memory foam mattress

    我和我的妻子睡在記憶泡沫床墊上

  • That's what we say, but anyone else here rockin the memory foam mattress? It's the best mattress in the world

    這就是我們所說的,但是這裡的其他任何人都在記憶泡沫床墊嗎?它是世界上最好的床墊

  • It's most comfortable is it not? It's the best, that mattress is made for sleeping and sleeping only

    它是最舒服的對吧?這是最好的,床墊只用於睡覺

  • Don't do anything else on my mattress, it was not created for that

    不要在我的床墊上做其他事情,它不是為此而創造的

  • That is not why scientists came together

    這不是科學家聚在一起的原因

  • just make for resting comfortably and that is it

    只是用來舒服的休息,就這樣

  • I know cuz we tried and it sucks every time. It's like trying to wrestle in quicksand

    我知道因為我們嘗試過,每次都很糟糕。這就像試圖在流沙中摔跤

  • It is the worst you just start sinking in slowly

    這是你剛開始緩慢下沉最糟的事情

  • (audience laughing)

    (觀眾大笑)

  • "Stay calm, stay calm! Just try to get your leg out just breathe keep your eyes open!"

    「冷靜,冷靜!試著把腿伸出去,保持呼吸並且眼睛睜開!

  • "Keep your eyes on the horizon try to get your leg out, get your leg out! I'm gonna get some help, Jessica!"

    「把目光放在地平線上盡量讓你的腿伸出來,讓你的腿伸出來!我需要幫忙,潔西卡!」

  • "We need some help!"

    「我需要幫忙!」

  • But she can't help, she just stands on our backs and pushes us in further

    但她無法幫忙,她只會站在我們的背上,讓我們更下沉

  • Subscribe to drive our comedy for even more of the world's largest collection of clean comedy

    請訂閱我們的喜劇,推出更多劇,成為世界上最大的喜劇集

I really am a boring person when I'm home.

當我在家時,我真的是個很無聊的人

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A2 初級 中文 美國腔 潔西卡 床墊 觀眾 奧斯卡 動物 人士

Zoltan Kaszas談為什麼貓比狗好 - 乾巴喜劇社 (Zoltan Kaszas on why cats are better than dogs - Dry Bar Comedy)

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    Chloe 發佈於 2021 年 01 月 14 日
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