For over 30 years, people who speak to her have not been able to help but to open up,

sometimes crying, expressing joy, or just showing the most vulnerable parts of themselves.

That ability propelled Oprah to a net worth of four billion dollars not to mention

launching books to the top of the bestsellers list and Dr. Phil's television career.

So in this video, we are going to explore how and why

Oprah is the best connector that I have ever covered on this channel.

And you're gonna learn how to live so that people will naturally find themselves opening up and connecting with you.

First off, Oprah sets the stage to connect literally.

Unlike many other TV show hosts, she is famous for walking the aisles

of her studio audience and for sitting on the same couch as her guests.

Later on, she would actually go into their homes for intimate interviews.

Now, the lack of physical barriers such as a desk tends to make two people

feel more connected and that's why you are more likely to find a spark

on a first date if you sit adjacent to your date rather than being separated by a table.

And it's also why people who don't feel comfortable will subconsciously block

the other person by crossing their legs or by placing an object in between them.

In Oprah's case, the lack of barriers enables both a sense of being emotionally connected

as well as an opportunity to connect physically via touch.

[Audience cheering]

Oprah: Of course, I do. I'm so happy for you both. So this is a deal?

[Crying] I love you.

Oh. [Audience laughing]

You are so so, so, good.

[Crying] Thank you. [Audience laughs]

With Oprah, you're gonna see high-fives, hand squeezes, walking arm-in-arm, and hugs

but to really grasp how important touch is to her style of communication, you have to see it in context.

Now, I can't show all of this next clip because it's three minutes long but take a look

quickly at how many points of contact she has with the member from her audience.

...and we're all celebrating our 40th.

Your ninth baby... Come here. [Audience cheering]

How many months are you now?

No, really, did you always want a big family?

That's it. That is it. Okay, thank you. What's your name?

Katherine.

Katherine is going to have a baby in three months. Unbelievable. [Audience applauds]

It's doubly unfortunate that there are so many cases

of unwanted sexual touching coming up in the news and in our culture nowadays.

It's obviously fantastic because we're eliminating that

but an unfortunate side effect is that these platonic touches are getting lost.

And these are things that truly help to connect to people.

It's part of why people can open up so quickly and so comfortably with Oprah.

Now, for a more nuanced breakdown of touching, you can check out our video on

Chris Hemsworth but for now just note that this immediately lowers

the sense of separation between Oprah and the person she's speaking to.

You may have also noticed something else that does that which is how strong Oprah's eye contact is;

she is completely comfortable with intimacy and prolonged eye contact.

Just look how present she is when listening with Steven Spielberg

showing him how he is truly has her full attention.

...number times unfortunately. I think the first time was when he gave

his very, very long and important

explanation of why he needed to get the 13th amendment to abolish slavery—

You could see Oprah squinting and furrowing her brow

which shows the other person that she is actively listening to what they are saying.

But these aren't necessarily charisma tactics to just be used.

This is the result of what happens when you are truly present in trying to understand someone.

When you're on the flip side receiving someone's full attention it feels absolutely incredible.

Now, to drive this point home and make the other person feel even better,

Oprah will often listen and then summarize what the other person has just said.

Take this clip for instance where Rihanna's been talking about her relationship with her father

and Chris Brown and noticed how she responds to Oprah's recap of what she just said.

I had to forgive him because I cared about him still.

And the minute I let go of that, I started living again.

You made peace with your father and then you were able to make peace with Chris.

Yes.

Because you realize the connection between what your father had done and what Chris had done.

Because of the intensity of Oprah's full focus her guests often feel that she gets them at a deep level.

They feel connected to her in some way like they share a common life understanding.

Now, Oprah doesn't just imply these connections and commonalities with her body language.

She straight up calls them out with her guests as she sees them.

I was so thrilled to realize you know how we you and I are most alike.

Let me guess, you're an introvert.

I'm an introvert.

Amy: I knew it. Oprah: You knew it?

This small thing is much more significant than it may sound.

In his book influence Robert Chiellini discusses how feeling similar to someone is one of the six most powerful factors in persuasion.

It puts two people in sync allowing for pacing and leading which we've discussed

in other videos that I'm going to link to in the description below.

Now, two people who are in sync may breathe at the same pace —

they might move in the same way — but the easiest way to spot it is if they can finish each other's sentences.

Now, Oprah hits this phase blindingly fast with many of her guests.

Just watch the continuation of that clip with Amy Schumer.

I've been at parties where I have to get up and leave—

Amy: Take a break. Recharge. Oprah: I'm just in the bathroom. Recharge.

I love the bathroom.

Love it.

Both: I love to hide in the bathroom.

She gets energy from people. She feeds—

She feeds and we get sucked.

And I get sucked dry.

You need to be taken out of a party in a stretcher.

Yes.

All of what we've discussed up until now is very useful.

But what makes Oprah truly exceptional at connecting is her philosophy —

that the most important thing to uncover in an interaction is what moves people emotionally.

She didn't get famous discussing politics or by doing goofy skits.

She got famous by exploring what made her guests feel feelings

and that's why you often hear her ask questions like these —

What's the most difficult decision you've had to make to fulfill your destiny?

How would you describe your childhood?

How did you manage to pull the pieces of yourself together?

You'll notice that these questions aren't small talk or banter.

They have to do with hardship, with family, with the things we don't want to tell people

about ourselves because we're afraid of how vulnerable, raw, and emotional they make us.

But family, hardship, our dreams, the things that we're ashamed of —

these are the things that often define who we are at our core.

And to illustrate how powerful these ideas of dreams and family can be to people,

watch this clip of Oprah with James Corden; this was actually the video

that put her on my radar as someone that had a true gift with charisma.

Now, I recommend watching the whole thing separately because it's really remarkable

and I'm gonna diminish the effect by editing it here but this is a brief overview

of an interaction that lasts just two and a half minutes.

When did you first realize you have this power just to make people cry?

Go on. Give me your best, okay? Unleash the power.

Every father has a dream for his children—

Oh, shut up. [Audienc laughs]

What is the dream that you hold in your heart?

I just want.. it just feels like this every day... [Laughs]

This scenario isn't unique to Oprah; she's been bringing people to tears her whole career.

And it's this ability to get to someone's emotional core that really did make her famous.

And if you apply what you've learned so far, you're gonna be able to get people

to open up to a deep connection that will bond you to for a long time.

But there is one final and very critical point — when people do get emotionally real,

when they cry, they get excited... whatever it is, Oprah doesn't try to defuse that tension

she leans into it; she allows her guests to express themselves fully.

And so many of us unfortunately do the opposite.

Someone cries if we Pat them uncomfortably saying, "There, there,"

hoping that they will stop or they get excited and we redirect the conversation

because their enthusiasm doesn't fit our current mood.

Oprah can connect with people so brilliantly because

she not only encourages them to open up, she also validates them when they do.

She's empathetic enough to go there emotionally with them; she shares in their joy or their pain.

Have you been sober since?

Yes, I have.

Hello. Let's celebrate that. That's where you are right now.

Look at how great that is.

Wow.

It makes me cry too. It makes me cry too.

I know, I know. It's beautiful.

Why am I crying on Oprah?

In short, people feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable and open up to Oprah

because she will go there too.

In fact, she went there first; early in her talk-show career,

she revealed the sexual abuse that she suffered as a nine-year-old

not to mention a whole slew of other personal struggles that I wasn't even aware of

as someone who didn't watch her talk show as a kid.

And it was her openness that paved the way for others to do the same

when they came on her show so if you want to connect with someone deeply

to get them to open up past the surface level small-talk,

you have to be fascinated by what moves them emotionally.

You have to focus primarily on what you share rather than on how you differ and you

have to be willing to open yourself up so that others feel safe doing the same with you.

That's what made Oprah the biggest talk show star ever.

It's what endeared her to millions of viewers and earned her billions of dollars

and if you followed the advice in this video it can be your superpower too.

Now, one of the themes of this video is the value of being heard.

It honestly can't be overstated; you see how deeply impacted Oprah's guests are by her attention.

What's unfortunate is that so few of us have the opportunity to feel heard in our lives

and sometimes it's hard to share what's going on in your life even with close friends

and sometimes those friends and family don't know how to advise us

or they give bad advice because they're so close to us.

That's why I have asked better help to sponsor this video and I'm very excited about it

because BetterHelp provides affordable counseling from licensed therapists all from your home.

I've actually used this service myself and I'm going to continue to

because talking to someone once a week has had a positive impact on my life

plus it doesn't have this hassle of having to leave the house,

you can just chat from your couch using your phone or your computer.

Ben also signed up and got a ton from it he was actually pretty excited because

he identified this sense of anxiety masquerading as perfectionism.

And since then, he's been able to take steps not to worry as much about past mistakes

or trying to be so perfect all the time.

BetterHelp can help you also find your blind spots

so if you think that you might benefit from talking to someone on a regular basis,

consider checking out betterhelp.com/charisma

or click the link in the description to get started.

You're just gonna answer a few questions so that they can connect you

with the right therapist for your situation

and then you'll be matched within 24 hours and you can cancel anytime you want.

It's completely confidential, you don't have to leave your house,

and it's a small fraction of the cost of most other therapy options.

Now, because both Ben and I got a lot of value from it,

I think there's a good chance that you will too and it's absolutely the case that speaking

with a licensed therapist can have a big impact if you are facing challenges in your life.

So if BetterHelp sounds right for you, go ahead and check it out.

Either way, I hope that you are happy, much love from me, and

I look forward to seeing you in the next video.