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  • The intensity and suffering exacted by a heartbreak depends not only on the core fact that we've been left, it also decisively depends on how we've been left.

    情緒的劇烈起伏和伴隨而來的心碎,不只因為我們就這樣被拋下了,當然也和我們是如何被拋下的有很大的關係。

  • Our hurt can be hugely intensified when we've been left badly.

    被惡劣地拋下可能會使傷痛加劇。

  • Just as it may be rendered a great deal more bearable when we are fortunate enough to have landed on a lover who has learnt the psychologically-rich art of mature break-ups.

    正如若是幸運遇到懂得成熟的分手藝術的人,分手所帶來的悲傷或許就不那麼大。

  • There are certain things guaranteed to make a breakup worse than it ever needs to be.

    而確實某些事會讓分手變得更糟。

  • (i) Lingering

    一、藕斷絲連

  • All decisions around relationships should be taken with the awareness that life is desperately short for both parties.

    感情中的雙方都需要意識到生命是如此短暫。

  • It therefore really shouldn't matter if the holiday has already been booked or if preparations for our birthday are awkwardly, well under way,

    因此無論是否已安排好假期、生日很尷尬地準備順利,

  • as soon as the decision is taken, a courageous lover will not dither out of a misplaced desire not to upset pre-existing plans.

    一旦做了決定,勇敢的愛人就不會因為不想讓已成形的計畫泡湯而猶豫不決。

  • They know they must leave.

    他們知道必須要離開。

  • They are ruining things, of course, but they can see that the holiday or restaurant meal would in any case be doomed,

    當然,他們搞砸了這些事,但他們也清楚知道那樣的假期或那頓飯的結局都注定是不好的,

  • and they are kind enough to know not to waste any more of our precious time.

    而他們也很體貼地了解明白不該再浪費你我寶貴的時間。

  • (ii) Collateral Accusations

    二、附帶控訴。

  • A wise departing lover knows not to accuse the other of more sins than they are guilty of.

    一個有智慧的愛人在分手時,懂得不在對方身上冠上莫須有的罪名。

  • It is not, they know, our fault that their career is going wrong, and we truly aren't responsible for their insomnia or the conflicts with their brother.

    伴侶工作不順不是我們的錯、他們失眠不是、和他們的哥哥起衝突也不是。

  • The wise lover keeps the list of accusations down to the specific problems that necessitated a breakup.

    有智慧的愛人會把控訴的罪名縮減至真正造成彼此分手的根本問題。

  • They don't use the parting as an occasion to rehearse all that happens to be a bit wrong with us, an inevitably far longer but irrelevant charge sheet.

    他們不會把分手這件事變成一場控訴大會、一張又臭又長卻毫無關聯的控訴單。

  • (iii) Deceptive Niceness

    三、偽善

  • The most harmful lovers are those who labour under a misplaced impression that they need to be nice, even when they are firing us.

    最傷人的愛人總會覺得自己必須當好人,他們被這樣錯誤的印象牽制住,即便是正在和我們分手的當下。

  • But there is, in fact, no need for honeyed words, we simply require the basic information and then some privacy to put ourselves back together again.

    但事實上,根本不需要逢迎諂媚的話語,我們只需要最根本的原因,還有一些隱私空間讓我們能重新振作起來。

  • Indeed, ongoing niceness simply confuses us all the more.

    說真的,不斷地對我們釋出善意,只會讓我們更感困惑。

  • The tenderness makes us ache to restart the relationship, for there seems no reason why not, given how they are behaving.

    這樣的溫柔會讓我們更渴望能重啟這段關係,因為就他們的行為舉止而言,似乎並無不可。

  • (iv) Evasiveness

    四、逃避。

  • Clumsy lovers are so scared of the news they have to share with us, they cannot bear to come out with it, and let it seep out in odd symptomatic ways.

    駑鈍的愛人對於要和我們提分手這件事感到害怕,他們不敢說出口,所以淨做些奇怪的事來作為分手的徵兆。

  • They start drinking too much, or come home very late, or advance odd-sounding theories about relationships.

    他們開始酗酒,開始很晚才回家,或是發表一些關於感情的謬論。

  • They hope through their strange and harmful behaviour to be fired rather than have to resign.

    他們希望透過這些怪異又傷人的行為來讓另一半主動提分手。

  • In sly and unfair ways, they seek to push us to take the agonising next step.

    他們用這些既狡猾又不公平的手法,來逼我們跨出那折磨人的一步。

  • - On the other hand, there is so much that can spare us excessive pain at the end. - (i) Directness

    - 另外一方面,有很多做法是能讓我們在感情的最後免於過度心痛的。- 一、直截了當。

  • Kind departing lovers make a sharp break.

    體貼的戀人在分手時會和我們明明白白地分開。

  • Once they've decided, they move swiftly to letting us know they clear off quickly.

    一旦他們下定決心,就會很快地讓我們知道他們離開得很快。

  • They don't hold out hints of reconciliation.

    不會留給我們一絲復合的希望。

  • They don't suggest that if we changed in certain ways, they'd reconsider.

    他們也不會因為我們妥協做了些改變而重新考慮。

  • It's awful, of course, but there's a vein of mature kindness in their brusque manner.

    當然,這感覺不好受,但在他們直率的態度中,帶著一絲成熟的體貼。

  • In an obviously difficult situation, they are sparing us the extended torture of false hope.

    在如此困難的情況下,他們讓我們免於空盼望的折磨。(ii) 理由。

  • (ii) Reasons

    二、原因。

  • Good departing lovers try to explain in convincing ways why the relationship didn't work out.

    善良的愛人在分手時會試著說服我們、努力向我們解釋這段感情沒有結果的原因。

  • They might point out, for instance, that you are both really quite anxious by nature, and therefore struggle to soothe and calm each other.

    他們可能會指出,例如,彼此雙方本就比較容易感到焦慮,因此總是在安慰、平撫對方情緒時更加困難。

  • This isn't so much a complaint about you, as on observation about why the fit between you as a couple wasn't very helpful.

    這並不是在抱怨對方,而是經過相處觀察後,了解到為什麼你們做為情侶無法相輔相成。

  • Or they may explore the ways in which the two of you have powerfully divergent attitudes to money and hence are set on a serious collision course.

    或是他們可能觀察出你們兩人在金錢方面的觀念大相逕庭,於是乎容易產生嚴重的衝突。

  • They're not saying you are horrendous or a fool, just that the two of you turn out not to be very adept partners for each other.

    他們並不是在說你令人感到畏懼或是你很愚蠢,只是說明了你們兩人身為伴侶並不適合。

  • (iii) Honesty about who they are

    三、坦誠以對。

  • Nice departing lovers let us see and actively remind us of what's not so nice or good about them.

    體貼的愛人在分手時,會讓我們了解到,並積極提醒著我們,他們不足、不夠好的地方。

  • They admit that they brought a lot of difficult things into the relationship.

    他們承認自己為這段感情帶來了許多困擾和難題。

  • They admit, perhaps, that they're obsessed by work; they may acknowledge they are bossy or very controlling; they might be open about their unfaithful nature.

    或許,他們承認他們太沉迷於工作、有時太霸道或是控制慾太強,也可能坦承自己曾對感情不忠。

  • They are doing us the kindness of showing us that life with them would be seriously difficult in major ways.

    他們好心地讓我們知道,和他們生活在一起就許多方面來說,是非常困難的。

  • We're losing them, but we're not losing the prospect of a blissful or problem-free future.

    我們失去了他們,但我們並沒有失去一個喜樂無憂的未來。

  • Good departing lovers know that the news they are breaking will inevitably lead to them being hated for a time.

    好的愛人在分手時,清楚了解到這樣的分離,有一陣子必然會招來怨恨。

  • They are brave in the face of this.

    他們仍勇敢面對。

  • They don't suffer from the fateful and sentimental desire to be loved by people they no longer love.

    他們不讓自己深陷致命的情感慾望,非得讓自己已經不愛的人仍繼續愛著自己。

  • We're gradually disentangling two distinct sources of pain, which mean very different things.

    我們正逐漸地從兩種不同的痛苦中解脫,而這兩種痛苦指的是非常不一樣的事情。

  • There's the sorrow of losing someone we liked, but there may well also be the suffering caused by the unfortunate ways a lover acted at the end.

    一種是失去喜歡的人的悲痛,但也有一種心痛是很不幸地一段感情走到了最後,而另一半的所作所為都在折磨著我們。

  • We may not be able to escape the agony of broken hearts but we can always strive to keep it to a very basic minimum.

    我們可能避不了心碎的悲痛,但我們絕對可以努力把傷痛降到最低。

The intensity and suffering exacted by a heartbreak depends not only on the core fact that we've been left, it also decisively depends on how we've been left.

情緒的劇烈起伏和伴隨而來的心碎,不只因為我們就這樣被拋下了,當然也和我們是如何被拋下的有很大的關係。

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如何說分手?(The Worst and Best Ways to Tell Someone It’s Over)

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    Vivian Chen 發佈於 2022 年 10 月 02 日
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