GOOD TO BE HERE.

I'VE COME HERE FROM ENGLAND BECAUSE I'M SICK OF ENGLAND,

EVERYBODY I DO I HAVE TO FOLLOW THIS ACT, LOTS OF PEOPLE FOR

AGES PRETENDING TO PUKE!

I'M SICK OF IT!

I COME TO AMERICA, WANT TO TREAT ME LIKE AN ARTIST AND LET ME

TELL YOU, I'M FURIOUS RIGHT NOW!

I CANNOT BELIEVE MY LUCK!

ANYWAY, RECENTLY, I HAD A POLICE OFFICER EXPLAIN WITNESS

PROTECTION TO ME.

YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW WHY.

(LAUGHTER) >> HE GOES JAMES, WHEN SOMEONE

IS INTO WITNESS PROTECTION HE OR SHE IS GIVEN A NEW LOCATION, AND

HE OR SHE IS RELOCATED AND HE OR SHE SPENDS THE REST OF THEIR

LIFE UNDER GOVERNMENT PROTECTION.

I DIDN'T LIKE THE WAY HE PUT IT.

HE OR SHE, BECAUSE HE OR SHE IS ONLY SAID BY MEN WHO FULLY

INTENDED TO SAY HE, AND THE VERY LAST SECOND RECOGNIZED THAT SHE

EXISTS.

PRETTY COOL.

EVERY TIME.

ALWAYS SAID HE OR SHE, LIKE JUST POPPED INTO THEIR HEAD, THEY

CAN'T BELIEVE IT, THEY'RE SO DEFENSIVE, OR SHE, FROM THE LAST

WORD, GOT NOTHING ON ME, OR SHE!

(APPLAUSE) >> THAT'S RIGHT!

WOMEN NEVER SAY HE OR SHE, MAN.

THEY USE A DIFFERENT WORD, MEN DON'T USE THIS WORD, CONFUSING

OR DIFFICULT TO PRONOUNCE, WOMEN SAY, I HOPE I'M PRONOUNCING THIS

RIGHT -- THEY.

(APPLAUSE) >> FINAL% OF MEN DON'T KNOW WHAT

THEY MEANS, 1% THINK IT'S HE.

IT'S A CONFUSING WORD.

THIS MAN, NEVER HEARD THEY BEFORE?

IT'S LIKE OH, FINE!

SORRY!

SOMEONE INTO WITNESS PROTECTION THEY, OR SHE -- WHAT A SNEAKY

COP!

WHAT A SNEAKY COP THAT GUY WAS!

I'M GOING TO GO TO ITALY PERSONALLY, LEANING TOWER OF

PISA IS MY FAVORITE OF THE WORLD.

THE POSE, THE PERSPECTIVE TRICK, LINE IT UP.

IT MAKES IT LOOK LIKE YOU'RE HOLDING UP THE TOWER FROM A

DISTANCE, VERY CLEVER, VERY FUNNY.

ALL DOING IT.

BAR NONE!

EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM, FILLED WITH PEOPLE DOING THAT AND ALL

OF THEM WHEN THEY HAVE THEIR PHOTO TAKEN HAVE A SMUG LOOK IN

THEIR EYE AS IF TO SAY, I CAME UP WITH THIS.

IT'S MY IDEA.

IT IS NOT THEIR IDEA!

SOMEONE CAME UP WITH THAT ONCE BACK IN THE DAY.

SOMEONE INVENTED THAT AND HE OR SHE WAS THE ONLY -- COULD HAVE

BEEN A WOMAN, YOU MISOGYNIST.

HE OR SHE INVENTED IT.

ONE PERSON DOING THAT, A FIELD FULL OF PEOPLE NOT DOING IT.

SOME OF THE OLD ONES, BIT BIT OF THAT, THAT ONE.

THAT'S A CLASSIC ISN'T IT?

THAT STILL GOES STRONG TO THIS DAY, ACTUALLY.

WELL, THAT'S RIGHT, YEAH YEAH YEAH!

(APPLAUSE) >> THERE IT IS.

WE ALL LOVE A BIT OF THERE IT IS, DON'T WE?

THE HAND SAYS THERE IT IS.

BUT THE EYES SAY, HERE I AM!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) >> I WENT TO PISA HAD MY PHOTO

TAKEN.

I DIDN'T DO THAT, I DIDN'T EVEN DO THAT.

I REFUSED.

FLAT OUT REFUSED.

WHEN MY PHOTO TAKEN GOT EVEN FURTHER AWAY, THE TOWER WAS EVEN

SMALLER, THOSE PEOPLE WERE REALLY TINY AS WELL.

THEN I LINED IT UP SO I HAD ABOUT THREE LITTLE GUYS ALL

CALLING ME UP -- THANK YOU VERY MUCH, EVERYBODY I'M IN ENGLAND,

VERY NICE TO SEE YOU!

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> James: JAMES ACASTER,

EVERYONE!

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