邊境巡邏。約翰-奧利弗的 "上週今夜"(HBO) (Border Patrol: Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (HBO))

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The border, the boundary that is incredibly tough
to smuggle a monkey across... I am told.
-(MONKEY SCREAMING) -Shh.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
President Trump has famously made securing the border
a key priority for his administration,
most notably through his border wall,
something which, as we've pointed out before,
he himself inadvertently found a flaw in on the campaign trail.
There's no ladder going over that.
If they ever get up there, they're in trouble.
'Cause there's no way to get down.
Maybe a rope.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -Yeah. Yeah. Maybe a rope.
And I know that sounds stupid, but to be fair,
you haven't heard Phase Six
of Donald Trump's border security plan,
"Go get me all the ropes."
And while that wall idea has received a lot of coverage,
it is by no means Trump's only border plan.
One of his more benign-sounding, but potentially
no less dangerous, ideas concerns the Border Patrol.
And first, let's be clear about who they are.
They are part of Customs and Border Protection.
They are not ICE, who you may know from immigration raids.
They're also not customs officers,
who you'll see at airports and border crossings,
nor are they the Borders Patrol, a group of vigilantes
who defend abandoned Borders bookstores from raccoons.
No, the Border Patrol are the people in green uniforms
who literally patrol the boundaries of our country.
There are around 20,000 of them.
But Trump, in an executive order,
has called for them to add five thousand more,
to tackle the many problems that he sees
on our southern border.
Let's stop the drugs and the crime
from pouring into our country.
You can certainly have terrorists,
you can certainly have Islamic terrorists,
you can have anything coming across the border.
We're gonna have a strong, strong, strong border
that people are gonna respect, and the drugs are not gonna be
flowing across like gravy.
Now, that right there, is what happens
when Donald Trump starts a sentence feeling xenophobic
-and ends it feeling hungry. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
"We need to stop Mexicans coming in like hot fudge sundaes
coming into my tummy, three scoops, whipped cream,
no cherry, 'cause I don't do fruit."
But-- but for the record, Border Patrol agents
do a lot more than just fight drugs, crime and gravy.
In recent years, the number of Mexicans apprehended crossing the border
has dramatically dropped and has now been surpassed
by the sharp rise in migrants fleeing violence
in Central America, for whom there is a legal process to seek asylum here.
Meaning that agents' days
can frequently include moments like this.
NEWSCASTER: The Boccé family take their first tentative steps
into the United States of America.
Within seconds, the Border Patrol are on them.
There's no chase, no tension. They expected to be caught.
(MAN SPEAKS IN SPANISH)
NEWSCASTER: As we film, another two figures emerge,
a mother and her daughter.
They're given blankets to protect them from the cold.
And that's kind of not what people expect
when they think of the border.
In the Venn Diagram of hardened drug dealers
and people who need blankets,
that middle section is pretty much just Linus.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Oh, I'm sorry, he is not a drug dealer?
The messy hair, the stripy shirt,
the thumb-sucking... He sells ecstasy at raves,
and he's high on his own supply all the time.
There is no Great Pumpkin,
he's a junkie, someone intervene!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
But-- but the truth is, it is moments like that there,
that show how difficult the job of a Border Patrol agent can be,
because in that moment, they are delivering aid
and processing migrants, but later, that same day,
they may be chasing down drug traffickers.
So, it's a mixture between humanitarian work
and law enforcement, and not everyone can do it.
And that is what makes Trump's plan
to expand the Border Patrol by 25 percent so concerning,
because if you hire agents quickly and badly,
it can actually leave us much less safe
and have devastating consequences.
And the reason we know this is because we have been down this road before.
So, tonight, I would like to talk to you
about the last Border Patrol hiring surge,
because it wasn't that long ago.
NEWSCASTER: After the so-called bungling of intelligence leading up to 9/11,
President George W. Bush is determined to shore things up at the borders.
As part of that mandate, the Border Patrol expanded
from 10,000 agents to 20,000.
It's true. The late 2000s saw a surge in Border Patrol agents
that was matched only by the surge in the number
of reality shows about people making cakes.
There were so many of those, you don't even know
which one of them I made up.
It was, by the way, Cake Cucks...
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -...which, I guarantee you,
will be in production some time next week.
Now-- now, to meet the surge's ambitious targets,
recruitment was aggressive,
and the government advertised everywhere,
even, at one point, doing this...
NEWSCASTER: The Border Patrol spent 8.4 million dollars sponsoring this car,
getting it detailed and staffing recruitment booths.
(CAR REVVING)
That is honestly true. They sponsored a NASCAR team,
putting the Border Patrol in such fine company
as other actual NASCAR sponsors, Depend Underwear,
-and Boudreaux's Butt Paste. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
A product for, I assume, people who want their butt
-pasted closed. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And look, that wasn't all.
They also ran slickly-produced TV ads, like this...
ANNOUNCER: As a mobile law enforcement arm
of the Department of Homeland Security,
it is the job of the Border Patrol
to prevent terrorists and terrorist weapons,
and all those who seek to do us harm,
from entering the United States.
(RADIO CHATTER)
ANNOUNCER: The Border Patrol.
We protect America. Are you up to the challenge?
You have to admit, they make that job look very exciting,
although, in fairness, anything said
in that tone of voice would be exciting.
(DEEP VOICE) Here is my kitten. I named him Bootsie.
Don't wee on the rug, Bootsie.
I'm not sure he likes me as much as I like him.
(RESUMES REGULAR TONE) But the truth of their job is
that most agents work alone, patrolling vast swathes of desert.
And whilst some days feature bursts of action,
others can involve absolutely nothing,
which can be challenging in and of itself.
REPORTER: One of the larger problems... is boredom.
HEYMAN: It doesn't mean that it's never dangerous.
There are bandits out there, there are drug organizations out there.
What they're not really getting is preparation for...
the boring, non-risky reality of almost all of their career.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -Exactly.
Boredom is a significant part of life
as a Border Patrol agent.
And they should probably train for it.
For every hour they spend in target practice,
they should probably spend ten hours watching Mozart in the Jungle.
Are you funny? Am I supposed to care about you?
Who's that woman with the oboe?
I'm confused, but I'm also bored.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
But-- but the big problem was that as they doubled in size,
meeting and maintaining their hiring quotas meant
that their screening process wasn't always as strong
as it could have been.
It was only late in the surge that the CBP
started giving applicants polygraph tests,
something that most other federal law enforcement agencies do,
and to listen to James Tomsheck, who headed Internal Affairs
for CBP through most of the surge,
their findings indicated they probably should have done that sooner.
TOMSHECK: The shocking discovery we found
was that more than half of the persons
who had cleared background investigations,
failed the polygraph examination,
the vast majority of them providing detailed descriptions
of the criminal activity they had been involved in.
Now, just think about that. Over half of CBP's applicants,
who had cleared the highest level of background check,
were found unsuitable for service.
And some of what they confessed to
was absolutely incredible.
One applicant admitted to smoking marijuana
twenty-thousand times in a ten-year period.
Kudos to that individual.
While another stated he had "no independent recollection
of the events that resulted in a blood-doused kitchen,"
and was "uncertain if he had committed any crime
during his three-hour blackout."
Which, I'm gonna go ahead and say,
yes, you did commit a crime, or at the very least,
you really fucked up a soufflé.
I mean, you fucked that thing up bad.
And the problems didn't stop once the new agents were hired,
because the training was also significantly cut back,
and that caused real issues, as one trainer revealed,
while, for some reason,
being disguised as an asthmatic scarecrow.
REPORTER: We are disguising the face and voice
of this veteran agent and training instructor,
because of fears of retaliation.
AGENT:
So, the standards were lowered?
AGENT:
-What is happening there? -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
He sounds like Jesse Ventura after swallowing one of those
novelty cow-voice noise makers.
And look, I know that it is really hard to pay attention
to what Robot Neil Young is saying there,
but it is genuinely worth listening
to where they cut corners.
REPORTER: The source told us Spanish-language classes
and physical training were cut back.
AGENT:
They cut back on Spanish and physical training,
so the new standards affected agents' ability
to talk to the people they caught
and their ability to catch the people they wanted to talk to.
Which seem like pretty essential facets of their job.
It's like if the training program at SeaWorld left out
putting on a wetsuit and systematically driving
carnivorous whales insane.
That's the whole job there!
Take them away, you're left with nothing else!
And consequently, as the ranks grew,
corruption and excessive force sky-rocketed
and misconduct became such a problem
that, at one point, the Border Patrol felt it needed
to issue a memo about the fact their agents
"were averaging two alcohol- related arrests per week,"
and some agents off-duty run-ins with the law
were even more spectacular.
BARBARA LEE-EDWARDS: Tonight, two Border Patrol agents
are on leave after a woman says they put on a lewd show
during Cirque du Soleil, performing a sex act
right in front of children.
The accusations don't stop there.
The couple is suspected of being drunk and violent.
(CHUCKLING) Wow!
Now, I should tell you, one agent was found guilty
of assaulting the woman who complained,
but both denied that anything sexual was happening,
and they were found not guilty of the sex act,
presumably because they were at Cirque du Soleil,
where everything looks like a sex act.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -I'll show you.
This... is a sex act.
This is a sex act.
This is a wildly difficult sex act.
That is a bird person sex act.
And I have absolutely no idea what's happening there,
but I think it's the thing Steve Bannon is supposed to be good at.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND CLAPPING)
And things got-- things got more serious than that.
Since 2005, 77 agents were arrested or indicted
for corruption, and if you think about it,
Border Patrol agents are particularly attractive
to drug-traffickers.
Remember, they often work on their own,
patrolling the border,
which, as one journalist points out,
is a pretty potent recipe for trouble.
One Border Patrol agent can undo an incredible amount
of good that all the other Border Patrol agents do.
One Border Patrol agent can wave in tons of drugs.
And, you know--
Literally. Absolutely literally.
Yeah! This is one of the only cases
where someone saying "a ton of drugs"
actually means a literal ton of drugs.
No, Kevin, you did not do "a ton of drugs,"
you took a Benadryl, you made out with a goldfish,
and you passed out with your head in the dishwasher.
Pull your life together.
And look, let me give you just a taste of the kind
of spectacular corruption involved.
Take Agent Joel Luna, who, it turned out,
had a brother in the Gulf Cartel and who was convicted
of engaging in organized crime
with some pretty striking evidence
emerging during a house search.
INVESTIGATOR: We end up finding a safe, a black safe.
We found 89,000 dollars in cash.
ROOT: Joel Luna's commemorative Border Patrol badge,
kilo and a half of cocaine, methamphetamine,
a gun that's tied directly to the Gulf Cartel,
it says "Gulf Cartel" on it. It's hard to explain that away.
It's hard to explain why your Border Patrol badge
is in a safe with cocaine, money and a cartel pistol.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -Yeah.
That is really hard to explain.
I mean, the best I can do is, uh,
"My badge had a drug problem that it couldn't bear
to tell me about, so finally, it decided to shoot itself
with a gun that we found on a case,
planning to die surrounded by its money
because its views on death resemble those of Ancient Egyptians."
But even then, we are talking about a sentient police badge
with an interest in Egyptology, so you're already banking
on a pretty large suspension of disbelief there.
Oh, and you should know,
Luna was hired during the last recruitment surge.
And CBP will tell you what they told us,
that while some agents did disgrace the badge with corruption,
the vast majority did not.
Although, it is worth knowing that Tomsheck,
the Internal Affairs guy,
believes the problem is much bigger than they imply.
Mr. Luna is not one bad apple.
He is part of a raid of corruption
that exceeded that of any other U.S. Federal law enforcement agency.
Okay, so it's less "one bad apple,"
than, "Oh, my God. That is a lot of bad apples."
Which, by the way, should really be the marketing theme
for red delicious apples.
"Red delicious apples...
Well, at least we got the 'red' part right!"
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And it gets even worse.
Because remember, these agents have guns.
And some have made very bad decisions.
And you may have seen coverage of some of the tragic incidents.
MAN: In a string of shootings by the Border Patrol
that have stirred up emotions at the border,
there's one case in particular
that has become a rallying cry for justice.
A shooting of a 16-year-old boy named
Joe Antonio Elena Rodriguez.
They say their agents were threatened by somebody
throwing rocks on this side of the fence.
But standing here, the first thing you ask yourself
is, "Could a 16-year-old boy really threaten somebody
standing on top of what's at least a 20-foot cliff?
And on the other side of that fence?"
I mean, yeah. That does seem pretty unlikely.
And to explain why, tune in next week
when our main story will be "Gravity...
Arch-nemesis to the concept of up."
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -Now, so you know,
that case is still in the courts.
And agents can sometimes feel threatened by rock throwers,
but it is worth pointing out that a report which looked at 25 cases
where Border Patrol agents shot people who'd thrown rocks,
concluded that "too many cases do not appear to meet
the test of objective reasonableness
with regard to the use of deadly force."
Which I believe is kind of law enforcement legalese for
"Holy shit! You shot some people you should not have fucking shot at.
-Maybe don't do that as much." -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Oh, and there is one more thing about the agent
in that fence shooting... that will not surprise you.
He was one of those persons hired by, uh, the Border Patrol
-during the surge. -Of course he was.
And yet, despite all of these warning signs,
we are about to embark upon another ambitious
Border Patrol hiring surge.
And CBP will tell you not to worry about that,
that in recent years they've improved hiring and made reforms.
For instance, they've slightly increased transparency
and given agents more non-lethal weapons
like pepper spray guns,
as well as rewriting the use of force rulebook to,
and I quote, "prohibit the shooting of suspects
fleeing the scene who do not pose a threat to themselves or others."
And look, that is great,
although it does seem to be one of those rules
that you shouldn't have had to write down.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -If you went to a zoo,
and there were a giant sign that said,
"Please don't finger the armadillos,"
you would wonder what the fuck had happened
-before that sign went up. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CLAPPING)
But the problem is, many other reforms have not been made,
and it is hard to believe that they will be
now that President Gravy Drugs is in charge.
In fact, worryingly, there has already been talk
that hiring standards might drop again
with suggestions like a shorter polygraph,
or removing parts of the entrance exam.
And most frustratingly of all, there may be no reason for us to take this risk,
because a report from the Inspector General For Homeland Security
questions whether we even need 5,000 more Border Patrol agents.
And yet, Trump seems determined to do this anyway.
Who knows why?
There is a fairly good chance he only said 5,000
because someone told him five bazillion is not a real number.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
And look, whatever your feelings...
about the laws the Border Patrol have been given to enforce,
and I have plenty of feelings on that,
you do want the best possible people enforcing them,
because if you don't, as we have seen,
bad things happen.
This is a story about the danger
of not learning from your mistakes.
And for the sake of absolutely everybody,
people on both sides of the border,
and the good Border Patrol agents
just trying to do a difficult job well,
if we are going to hire all these new people,
the very least we can do is be more careful this time around.
And one tiny step would be to have recruitment ads
that show potential agents what the job is really like.
ANNOUNCER: The Border Patrol.
We protect America.
And we're hiring... again.
But this time, we're gonna do it right.
So if you're looking for an exciting,
heart-pounding adventure,
maybe go skydiving or try parkour,
or do whatever the fuck this is.
But the Border Patrol may not be for you.
Because a lot of the time the job looks less like this...
And more like... this.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
ANNOUNCER: That's right.
Just you, the desert, and nothing for miles around.
(BIRD CAWS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
ANNOUNCER: This could be your lunch break.
This is a job that could combine hours of boredom
with sudden bursts of action.
AGENT: Oh, shit!
I got people moving. I need backup!
(CAR ENGINE REVVING)
ANNOUNCER: And about that action...
it definitely can involve people entering illegally,
or drug smugglers.
But a surprising amount of the time,
it involves desperate migrants for whom you're the first point of contact
in a system ill-equipped to cater to their needs.
(AGENT MUMBLING)
These guys... here.
I don't...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Shit.
ANNOUNCER: This job is not for everyone.
And that's why this time,
we're not advertising with NASCAR.
Instead, we're recruiting with this sweet-ass Honda Odyssey.
A practical car for reasonable, methodical people.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING, CHEERING)
ANNOUNCER: Please make sure you read the entirety
of this nuanced text before making any decisions.
And some of it's in Spanish,
because it would be really useful
if you could speak that.
But just to be clear, if you wanna fuck at Cirque du Soleil,
this is not the job for you.
And we will find out.
Last question, have you ever... and I mean ever
considered having sexual relations
at a performance of exotically dressed
Canadian acrobats?
No.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
We're done here.
ANNOUNCER: The point is, if you're kind, physically fit,
impervious to bribery or boredom,
and you want to serve your country
by enforcing a controversial and ever-changing
set of policies in the most humane way possible,
then give us a call: The Border Patrol.
We're hiring! Wish us luck with that.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) -Circus-fuckers need not apply.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)