TO VLADIMIR PUTIN AT YESTERDAY'S

SUMMIT AND THE PROTESTS THAT

FOLLOW HIM WHEREVER HE GOES,

AMERICA'S IMAGE IS TAKING A

BEATING ALL OVER THE WORLD.

AND YET AMERICA DOESN'T REALLY

SEEM TO GIVE A [ BLEEP ].

WHAT WE LACK IN DIPLOMACY, WE

MAKE UP FOR IN CONFIDENCE.

THE U.S. IS BASICALLY THE AGGRO,

COKED-UP GUY IN THE BACK WITH

AXE BODY SPRAY, SCREAMING ABOUT

BITCOIN.

AMERICA'S ALWAYS HAD AN

UNHEALTHY SENSE OF SELF-WORTH.

ONE THAT CROSSES PARTY LINES.

>> THIS RIGHT NOW IS THE

GREATEST COUNTRY ON EARTH.

>> WE LIVE IN THE GREATEST

COUNTRY IN THE WORLD.

>> YOU PUT YOUR LIFE ON THE LINE

TO PROTECT THE GREATEST COUNTRY

ON EARTH.

>> THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE

WORLD, THE UNITED STATES OF

AMERICA.

>> THIS COUNTRY IS THE GREATEST

COUNTRY IN THE WORLD.

>> THIS IS THE GREATEST COUNTRY

IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND.

>> OH, CALM DOWN, MARCO.

THE HISTORY OF MANKIND!

IT'S NOT EVEN THE GREATEST IN

THE HISTORY OF NOW.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO BORA BORA?

YOU JUST SIT THERE ON THE BEACH

UL DAY DRINKING COCKTAILS WHILE

RESORT WORKERS RUB YOUR FEET.

SURE IT'S NOT A GOOD COUNTRY FOR

THEM, BUT I HAD A WONDERFUL

TIME.

I'D BE THERE PERMANENTLY IF THEY

HAD BETTER COMEDY CLUBS.

OR A COMEDY CLUB.

BRAGGING ABOUT HOW IT'S THE

BESTLESS HAS BEEN AMERICA'S

THING.

NO ONE LIKES THAT.

BEING THE TOP GUY IS OBNOXIOUS.

IF YOU'RE CONSTANTLY TELLING

EVERYONE YOU'RE BETTER THAN

EVERYONE, THEN NO ONE WANTS TO

BE YOUR FRIEND.

YOU GET STUCK HANGING OUT WITH

THE HOME IS THERE SCHOOLED KID

WITH THE WEIRD HAIRCUT.

AMERICA IS SO CONCERNED WITH

BEING NUMBER ONE WE TEND TO

FORGET THAT YOU'RE NOT ACTUALLY

NUMBER ONE.

>> THE UNITED STATES WAS 29th IN

THE MOST RECENT RANKINGS OF

COUNTRIES BY EDUCATION.

>> THE UNITED STATES IS THE

WORLD'S FATTEST DEVELOPED

NATION.

>> WE SPEND MORE MONEY ON HEALTH

CARE THAN ANY OTHER COUNTRY IN

THE WORLD.

MOST OF US AREN'T LIVING ANY

BETTER OR ANY LONGER BECAUSE OF

IT.

IN FACT, OUR HEALTH CARE SYSTEM

RANKS 37th IN TERMS OF OVERALL

EFFICIENCY.

>> SO YOU'RE THE NUMBER ONE

FATTEST, ALSO THE 29th DUMBEST,

AND THE 37th HEALTH CARIEST.

TRY PUTTING THAT ON A [ BLEEP ]

STATUE.

AND WHEN YOU'RE IN CHARGE,

PEOPLE EXPECT YOU TO CLEAN UP

THEIR MESSES.

THE U.S. IS ALWAYS INTERVENING

IN ONE COUNTRY OR ANOTHER.

YOU DON'T NEED THAT KIND OF

OBLIGATION.

IT'S LIKE, WELL -- SHOULD I

CLEAN UP SOME KID'S VOMIT AT MY

SON'S BIRTHDAY PARTY?

I MEAN, I'M THE ONE WHO PUT THE

DEPOSIT DOWN, I'M THE ONE WHO'S

DRUNK, I SHOULD BE THE ONE WHO

GETS TO THROW UP IN THE BOUNCY

HOUSE!

AND I DID!

AND THAT THIS IS THE POINT!

THE POINT IS IT WASN'T EVEN MY

SON'S PARTY AND THE HOUSE WASN'T

BOUNCY OR MY HOUSE.

YES, YES, FINE, FINE.

I WENT TO A STRANGER'S HOUSE AND

I VOMITED IN IT.

BUT I DID REMEMBER TO TAKE MY

SHOES OFF.

BECAUSE HOW ELSE I WOULD HAVE

LOST MYSHOOS?

WHAT ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?

WHEN YOU'RE NUMBER ONE, THE ONLY

PLACE TO GO IS DOWN.

IT CAN'T LAST.

LOOK AT WHAT HAPPENED TO EVERY

OTHER SUPER POWER IN HISTORY.

THE ROMAN EMPIRE FELL.

THE BRITISH EMPIRE IS GONE.

EVENTUALLY AMERICA WILL BE

NOTHING BUT A TOURIST ATTRACTION

LIKE THE PYRAMIDS OR WHATEVER

THE [ BLEEP ] GREECE IS.

I'M NOT SAYING DON'T BE PROUD TO

BE AMERICAN.

YOU SHOULD BE.

I LOVE THIS COUNTRY.

IT'S GIVEN ME A GOOD LIFE.

IT GAVE ME BASEBALL, LOBSTER

ROLLS, PINBALL.

IT'S AWESOME.

IT DOESN'T MATTER IF IT'S NUMBER

ONE OR NUMBER THREE OR WAY DOWN

IN THE DOUBLE DIGITS.

IF YOU LIVE HERE AND YOU LOVE

IT, THEN WHO GIVES A SHIT?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

MAYBE, MAYBE THE MOST PATRIOTIC

THING YOU CAN DO IS JUST LOWER

YOUR STANDARDS A BIT.

THE WAY TO MAKE AMERICA GREAT IS

TO ADMIT IT HAS FLAWS.

I MEAN, ALL YOU PATRIOTS WHO

SEEM TO LOVE THIS COUNTRY SO

MUCH YOU ALSO HATE IMMIGRANTS.

IF YOU DON'T WANT THEM TO COME

HERE, STOP TELLING THEM IT'S SO

[ BLEEP ]ING GOOD.

WHY DON'T YOU FILM ALL YOUR

MOVIES IN FLINT, MICHIGAN?

AND IN THAT SPIRIT, I'M PLEASED

TO INTRODUCE A NEW PATRIOTIC

SONG.

ONE I HOPE YOU'LL SEE FIT TO

PLAY AT EVERY SUPPORTING EVENT

FROM NOW ONWARDS.

IT'S A LITTLE DITTY ABOUT THIS

COUNTRY'S PLACE IN THE WORLD.

AND IT'S CALLED "AMERICA IS A

COUNTRY."

ENJOY.

♪ I'M LOOKING FOR A COUNTRY THAT

DOESN'T WEAR THE CROWN ♪

♪ BUT SOMETIMES IT IS UP AND

OTHER TIMES IT'S DOWN ♪

♪ NOW THERE'S A BUNCH OF EAGLES

BUT ALSO LOTS OF RATS ♪

♪ SOME PEOPLE WEAR ARMANI SUITS

AND SOME START INSTAGRAMS FOR

THE CATS ♪

♪ I LOVE MY AVERAGE COUNTRY IT'S

SHITTY BUT SOMETIMES NOT ♪

♪ HERE'S A PICTURE OF A HONDA

CIVIC SITTING IN A FAST FOOD

PARKING LOT ♪

♪ AMERICA WE'RE FAR FROM FIRST

BUT WE'RE ALSO FAR FROM WORST ♪

♪ YES AMERICA IS A COUNTRY ON

THE LIST OF COUNTRIES ♪

♪ WE HAVE A REASONABLE STANDARD

OF LIVING AND MOST OF OUR

CHILDREN CAN READ ♪

♪ SOME OF OUR LAKES ARE NOT

POISONED AND ALL OF OUR SLAVES

HAVE BEEN FREED ♪

♪ THESE COLORS THEY DON'T RUN

BECAUSE WE ALL WEIGH A TON ♪

♪ TAKING MISS RHYTHM YEAH

AMERICA IS FAIR TO MIDDLING ♪

♪ OH AMERICA WE'RE FAR FROM

FIRST BUT WE'RE ALSO FAR FROM

WORST ♪

♪ AMERICA IS A COUNTRY ON THE

LIST OF COUNTRIES ♪

♪ ON THE LIST OF COUNTRIES

♪ OH YEAH IN THE MIDDLE OF THE

COUNTRY LIST WE ARE ♪

♪ ON THE LIST OF COUNTRIES

♪