but I really don't think that's possible.

但我真的覺得不太可能

Oh yeah.

是喔

Ever thought of humus as just sort

不覺得鷹嘴豆泥其實滿像

of like a chick pea pudding.

鷹嘴豆腐之類的嗎？

I think that's kind of what it is.

我覺得根本就是一樣

Huh, somebody just looked me up on LinkedIn.

噢，有人看了我的 LinkedIn 檔案

What nobody uses LinkedIn.

什麼？現在根本沒人在用 LinkedIn

I know right.

對啊

That's crazy.

好扯喔

Your profile is viewed by a 55 yer old woman

一名位於佛羅里達州坦帕市的 55 歲女性

in Tampa, Florida.

瀏覽了你的個人檔案

Shit my stalker's back.

該死，我的跟蹤狂又來了

You have a stalker?

你有跟蹤狂？

Yeah, my Mom.

對啊，我媽啦

Well that's just your Mom.

喔，只是你媽而已

You don't understand.

你不懂

She is obsessed with me. Look!

她對我已經是走火入魔了，你看！

Every day for weeks my profile was viewed

這幾個禮拜，每天都有一個人

by exactly one person,

會來看我的個人檔案

a 55 year old woman from Tampa, Florida.

一名位於佛羅里達州坦帕市的 55 歲女性

Oh my God you're right, this is really creepy.

我的天啊 ，你說的對，這有點恐怖

That is nothing,

這還不算什麼

you should see her house.

你應該看看她家

It's filled with pictures of me,

貼滿我的照片

mementos, she's even got scribbles

紀念物品、她甚至連我小時候

that I did when I was a kid.

隨便塗鴉的東西都留著

That stuff's trash.

那種塗鴉是垃圾吧

I know.

對啊！

But when it comes to me,

但只要是我的東西

she even loves my garbage.

連垃圾她都愛

I mean she watches all my videos,

她看過我所有影片

she likes all my posts,

按我每篇文讚

even when I tweeted dumb shit like I fardok.

連我發「ㄆㄆ」這種廢文她也會看

I don't get it.

我不懂，什麼是ㄆㄆ

No, it's a typo.

就是單純打錯字而已

There's nothing to get,

完全沒意義

it's a typo.

就是按錯

It's not just my stuff she showed up

不只是對我，她還會出現在

at my Dad's job it's like boundaries.

我爸的公司，陰魂不散

Okay this might be weird but are you sending her

好吧，這聽起來可能有點怪

any signals or anything?

但你是不是不小心暗示她之類的？

I don't know.

我不知道

We used to be close.

我們以前感情很好

But I moved on, she didn't.

但我現在長大了，她還停在以前吧

And you told her it was over.

你有跟她說不能再這樣了嗎？

I mean I tried,

我試過啊

as soon as I graduated I was like peace

我大學畢業之後就比較冷淡

but she kept calling.

但她還是一直打來

How could you be clearer?

你應該再狠一點

I know, I mean since

我有啊

then I've moved five times.

我後來搬家搬了五次

Wake up, I changed my email address,

換了 email 信箱

I got a new phone number.

換了手機號碼

She always finds me,

她總是有辦法找到我

sends me baked goods and shit.

送一些烤餅乾、小點心什麼的

Oh my God, she sent these?

我的媽，這是她送來的？

Gross, these could be poison are you crazy?

太噁了，這可能有毒欸，你瘋了嗎？

Come on my Mom wouldn't...

不會啦，我媽不會...

Oh wait she did used to tell me that she brought

噢，等等，她以前是說過

me into this world and she could take me out.

她給了我這條命，也能把它收回去

You don't think she could hurt me?

她應該不會想害我吧？

I don't know.

我不知道

But I do know we need to call the police.

但我知道我們應該要報警

No, no, no,

不不不

I don't want to get her in trouble.

我不希望她出事

Look she's not bad okay.

她其實沒那麼壞啦

She's just acting crazy,

她只是有點瘋狂

look she said.

她之前說

You've been talking to her?

你還有在跟她說話？

I went home for Christmas.

我聖誕節有回家

Are you kidding me?

你認真嗎？

That will fuel her obsession.

你這樣會讓她更黏你

How was I supposed to know,

那我能怎麼辦嘛

I felt bad for her.

我覺得很對不起她啊

She was sitting at home alone,

她一個人孤零零在家

staring at a box full of my old teeth.

只能盯著一盒我的牙齒

Are you kidding me?

你在跟我開玩笑嗎？

They're baby teeth, they are baby teeth.

那是乳牙啦、是乳牙

Are you kidding me, are you kidding me.

這太扯了、這太扯了

They are baby teeth, they came out

那是乳牙啦，是自然脫落

on their own it's not like--

不是你想得那樣...

Listen to yourself!

面對現實好嗎！

You're right, you're right.

你說得對，沒錯

I'll file a restraining order.

我會去申請保護令

Good.

很好

Let me tell you about

我跟你講那個

this garlic humus, it was insane.

大蒜豆泥，超級誇張

Raph this came for you.

Raph 這是給你的

No mailing label?

沒有郵戳？

A lady in the lobby gave it to me.

剛剛在大廳一個女士給我的

She's here.

她來了

Surprise!

驚喜！

Run Raph.

Raph 快跑！

Oh.

噢

Your cookies were really good though.

你烤的餅乾很好吃

Thank you baby.

親愛的謝謝你

Hi I'm Raphael from College Humor.

嗨，我是 College Humor 的 Raphael

Click here to subscribe,

按這裡訂閱我們

click here for more fun stuff

按這裡看更多影片

and if you could just click here

如果你按這裡的話

it would really

會讓我覺得

satisfy my OCD.

非常地開心

Ah, thanks a lot.

啊...太感謝了

That really hit the spot.

那一下有按到我的點