Our instinct is to grab for the carrot or the stick.

我們直覺是採取軟硬兼施的方法。

The problem with this model is that it changes the child's focus from the problem at hand to the adult.

這種作法的問題在於，它會將孩子的注意力從眼前的問題轉移到大人身上。

Which is counterproductive.

這是適得其反的。

No kid wakes up in the morning and thinks...

沒有小孩一早醒來就心想......

"I'm going to disappoint my teachers and parents today."

「今天我要讓我的老師和父母失望。」

Every kid wants to behave.

每個孩子都想好好表現。

They just don't have the skills yet.

他們只是還沒抓到訣竅。

So the more we can give them real ways to participate in a meaningful way, the better.

所以我們越能給予他們真正有意義的參與方式越好。

When my daughter, Ava, was two or three, she hated putting on her car seat seatbelt.

我的女兒 Ava 兩、三歲的時候很討厭繫汽車座椅的安全帶。

She would buck forward so that we couldn't physically get her into the seat.

她會將身體用力往前傾，使我們無法將她放進座位上。

Finally, we decided to name her "The Seat Belt Captain".

最後，我們决定任命她為「安全帶隊長」。

Who was in charge of making sure everyone was buckled in before the car would move.

負責確定在車開動之前每個人都繫好了安全帶。

Suddenly, she was the first to buckle, and then quickly point out...

突然，她變成第一個繫好安全帶的人，而且會迅速指出......

"Daddy, you don't have your seat belt on!"

「爸爸，你沒有繫安全帶！」

The older your children are, the more they can give input into the discipline solution.

你的孩子年齡越大，他們對維持紀律就越有貢獻。

And then they're much more likely to go along with whatever the consequence is.

而且他們也會更願意承受後果。

They also may come up with more severe consequences than you as the adult would have.

他們也可能會比成年人想出更嚴厲的紀律規則。

They are really creative and don't always have the sense of proportion that we do, so if you can be the good guy and say, "Oh, no. That seems too extreme..."

小孩真的很有創造力，辨別輕重緩急的能力不如大人，所以若這時你可以扮白臉說「噢，不，這麼做太極端囉......」

"Why don't we just put the toy away for a week if it's left out?"

「如果玩具一直丟在那裡，要不我們沒收一個禮拜」？

If your children are willing to participate in discussing and setting limits--with the consequences--that's great.

如果你的孩子願意針對應承擔的後果進行討論並設定規則，那就太好了。

And if they're unwilling, then you may have to set them.

如果他們不願意，那就得由你來制定規則。

But always give them that opening.

但永遠要給他們機會。

Children actually want limits.

孩子們其實希望被約束。

They feel that they know what to expect.

他們才會覺得他們知道即將發生的事情。

If you've told them ahead of time.

前提是你得事先告知他們。

So as long as limits follow the four R's rule, which is that they're revealed in advance, they're respectful, they're reasonable in scope...

所以只要界線遵循 4R 的規則：事先告知、尊重他人、在合理的範圍內......

And they're building responsibility in the child, then all you have to do as an adult is follow through with whatever the consequences that you've agreed to in advance.

能建立孩子的責任感，那麼作為成年人，你要做的就是堅持遵循你事先同意的結果。

Sometimes, we don't even have to be the bad guy because the agreement speaks for itself.

有時，我們甚至不必當壞人，因為約定本身不言而喻。

For instance, simply pointing towards the backpack left on the floor and saying, "Backpack".

例如，只要指著地板上的背包說：「背包……」。

I've found that this takes so much heat out of the process of parenting.

我發現這讓育兒過程更加愉悅。

I'm no longer in charge of making sure my kids are perfect.

我不用負責確保我的孩子是完美的。

And when you're not in the role of disciplinarian.

當你不再扮演風紀股長。

Or controlling boss...

或是控制狂老闆。

You can just relax and enjoy your kids.

你就可以放輕鬆並享受跟孩子相處。