You're like smash, relax.

You're not the Incredible...

Hi. James from engVid.

E's turning green, and I know The Avengers are all over the planet, so I'm sure you know

Hulk Smash.

And the Incredible Hulk is powerful because he's angry, he's always angry.

And the funny thing is I find most people are angry about this, angry about that.

So I want to help you today do a little better, because when people are fighting, well, they're

fighting because they care.

If you didn't care, you wouldn't fight with anyone.

And I have a two-part lesson...

What I mean by two parts is I'm going to start off by giving you some expressions so you

can kind of get rid of the fighting, and then I'm going to give you some vocabulary you

can use instead of saying:

"I'm angry. I'm angry. I'm so angry."

There are other words that really let people know what you mean, and you can use some of

these words and the phrases I'm going to teach you, and you'll notice that your interactions

or the way you talk to each other will change and you'll probably be a lot happier, and

not like E. E Smash, so angry, so angry. All right?

So let's go to the board.

So what did I tell you here?

Okay? I want us to stop the fighting.

And how are we going to do that?

Well, the first thing we have to do is accept that...

Or accept that arguments and fighting are a part of life, and as I said, it's because

you care.

You fight because something is important to you, or someone is fighting with you because

something is important to them.

And when you don't take the time to understand it's important to them, that's what makes

the fight worse.

Half of the times things can be resolved or solved or fixed easily if you just go:

"Hey, that bothers you? Got it."

Once most people hear that, they're willing to talk to you.

But if they don't think they're being heard, they smash, they hit hard.

So let's go to the board.

Okay, so I'm going to give you two types of phrases.

Okay?

These will help you...

One will help you let the other person know that you care and you're listening, the other

one is so that you can express yourself.

Okay?

Because it's important that you have a voice and you should be heard.

And then in the second part when we come back we'll do words that aren't always about being

angry, but show different states and emotions, and I'll explain them and you can use them

when you're ready.

So, let's go.

Okay, these phrases, as it says, will help show that you care about the other person.

And how do we show we care about the other person?

Sometimes it's to say or to show that they're intelligent. Right?

So the first statement I use as this:

"You have a good point" or "That's a good point".

In saying: "That's a good point"...

I got to put a comma here, I just forgot my comma.

"That's a good point", in saying that you're admitting that what they're saying, there's valid.

Valid means has some truth.

You're not automatically agreeing with everything they say, and that's important.

When people are arguing, you don't have to agree with everything, but you have to listen

and see what they say because sometimes what they say is good and can help both of you

in your relationship.

So simply just saying, you know: "You have a good point.

I should think about this."

Or: "That's a good point."

Even if I don't agree with everything, I can still listen to you and hear that these are

good points or these make sense.

All right?

By using these phrases here, I just want to point out that it will help you because what

you're saying really is: No matter what we fight about, at the end you're still my good

friend, you're still my girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, lover, student, or teacher.

Okay? Not all together, by the way.

But, you know, each one as a partnership, we're...

We can still be good or have a good relationship even though we don't agree right now.

Okay?

So that's the first one.

Here's the second one: "I can understand why you want X."

Well, what I want is important to me, and the fact that you can understand it means

at least you're listening to me or you think my views are important.

So, by saying that, you can say: "I can understand you want X."

Once again, you're not saying I'm going to give it to you, but you know what?

We've been dating-what?-15 years, living together, we have five kids, two kittens,

a dog, and a pony - you want to get married.

I can understand why you would want to get married after all of this commitment.

It doesn't mean I'm going to do it, but I can understand it because I thought about it.

That will at least let the person think: "Okay, you can understand."

They might want something, be prepared, but at least you're showing: I listened to you

and I get it.

All right?

And it's fair, you can understand that.

"Tell me more. ...And how can I help you?"

This is very powerful.

Very, very powerful, but be careful when you use it.

When you're telling someone: "Tell me more", you're saying:

I respect you as a person so I'm willing to listen to you.

I know, I said scary words: "listen to you".

My mouth will remain shut.

That's right, shut it and listen.

And then when they're done you can say: "And how can I help?"

In my job, in my day job-day job-when I teach I also help with students and that, and I've used this.

And I know it sounds crazy, but it works very well because first...

Please don't... Don't be angry when I say this, anyone watching.

Well, when somebody's angry it's like a snake.

A snake has venom.

You know?

The snake.

And the snake bites.

Now, the snake has to let that venom go or it's not good for the snake.

You know, yeah. It's just not good for the snake.

So the snake bites you, you take the venom.

Now, the snake lets the venom go, it feels better, it can go about its business.

That's what this is about.

"Tell me more" is someone's angry, they got to let it out.

By letting them let it out it's like...

Think of a balloon.

The balloon is big, about to pop, but as the air...

The air goes out, the balloon won't pop, and now the balloon can go back and forth, still

be a balloon and not explode.

That's good for the balloon. Right?

It's also good for you because you let it out, usually they let you know exactly what's

going on so you can think about it if your mouth is shut, and then you can say:

"And how can I help?"

Honestly, 50% of the time once they let that out, they're like: "I just needed to vent."

"Needed to vent" is an English expression means: "I was upset or angry, I had all this

energy inside and I had to let it go.

And now I let it go, I can do it myself.

I can fix it myself."

The other 50%, that's why I said it's dangerous, when you say: "And how can I help?" they might

say: "Hey, this is what I want from you."

And because you said: "How can I help?" you kind of have to do it.

But remember what we said up here?

Because you care about the argument or you care about the person, you probably want to

help them because you actually do care about them.

So keep that in mind. Okay?

And once they vent, usually what they ask for isn't this big, monstrous thing.

Sometimes it's a little thing that you can help with.

So be generous, say: "How can I help?"

It goes a long way. All right?

Now, these thring-, three things, as I said, will tell the other person that you care about them.

Especially this one: "How can I help you?" because I care about you.

And it'll change your relationship, it'll change the way you fight.

You'll have more respect for each other.

And you're learning my language, so I'm trying to teach you how we think.

And these words are important to us.

Now, there's two sides to every coin, and a coin is money, and in this case there are

two sides to every argument: The people you're fighting with and you.

If you don't express or let people know how you feel, things won't change for the better

or things won't be good.

So in this case I want to take the time to go through and give you some phrases that

are useful to help you express yourself.

Here's the funny thing.

Remember before we have to put the other person high and lower yourself to make them feel better?

And by the way, it's not a sign of weakness to go lower.

It takes great strength to be able to sit down and let someone else talk.

Okay?

But in this case, ah, when you want to really push your point, you have to do something

a little different.

Once again, you got to lower yourself. Huh?

Well, for some people this is called lowering themselves.

For me it's actually being very strong.

You got to tell the truth.

And in order to do that without being too strong and making the other person defensive,

which means they want to fight with you instead of listen, we're going to take what I would

say is a soft approach or a soft way of communicating.

The first one is this: "Look, I know this might sound stupid, but what really is bothering

me is this..."

So, yeah, look, I know this might sound stupid, but what's really bothering me is...

By saying: "Look"...

That's a secret command, by the way.

Saying: "Look", you're saying: "Stop. Pay attention."

But then you're saying: "What really is bothering me",

but this part here: "it might sound stupid" is saying:

"I know to you this may not be a big thing, and I know it's kind of, you know, not that important",

but because you're doing that it kind of softens what you're

about to say because you're going to say what is really bothering me.

This does not make me happy.

But I'm not saying: "Hey, stupid, you pissed me off."

I'm saying: "Hey, I know. Sorry. Don't mean to bother you."

And because that most people will go:

"Well, no, it's no bother. No, no, please speak",

because I've lowered myself and said:

"I know it doesn't seem important to you, but..."

And most people are generous enough that they'll go: "Okay, cool. Gotcha.

Well, why don't you talk?"

Cool. See? You secretly slide in.

First you come in, smash!

I'm kidding.

First you say: "Look, pay attention."

Then you lower yourself, then you introduce what you want to say.

Cool? I know, sneaky. Sorry.

Sneaky means not direct, but sometimes you do what you do to get the job done. Right?

Okay.

Here's a second: "That" and I say "X".

Whatever X is, it could be a comment they said, a thing they did:

"hurt my feelings because..."

Once again you're saying: "I'm hurt."

You're not putting the blame on the other person.

You'll notice if you listen carefully when I do these, I'm never saying:

"It's all your fault."

The first one I'm saying: "You might think this is stupid because it's something I'm thinking."

Not you being stupid, not your fault.

This one: "That thing hurt my feelings. Not you."

Right?

That thing that you said.

Not you, but the thing that you said hurt my feelings, and it hurt my feelings because...

Then I tell you why it hurt my feelings.

Because I'm not directly coming at you, the person can actually sit down and listen because

they don't feel like they're being attacked.

It's really important.

All right?

Third one is this one:

"I'm scared and I don't really want to admit it, but I'm afraid you

might feel..."

Or: "I'm afraid..."

Admitting scared is natural for humans that if someone says: "I'm scared" or "I'm afraid",

you want to protect them because coming to you saying: "Look, I'm scared of this", I'm