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  • Why are you so angry all the time, E?

  • You're like smash, relax.

  • You're not the Incredible...

  • Hi. James from engVid.

  • E's turning green, and I know The Avengers are all over the planet, so I'm sure you know

  • Hulk Smash.

  • And the Incredible Hulk is powerful because he's angry, he's always angry.

  • And the funny thing is I find most people are angry about this, angry about that.

  • So I want to help you today do a little better, because when people are fighting, well, they're

  • fighting because they care.

  • If you didn't care, you wouldn't fight with anyone.

  • And I have a two-part lesson...

  • What I mean by two parts is I'm going to start off by giving you some expressions so you

  • can kind of get rid of the fighting, and then I'm going to give you some vocabulary you

  • can use instead of saying:

  • "I'm angry. I'm angry. I'm so angry."

  • There are other words that really let people know what you mean, and you can use some of

  • these words and the phrases I'm going to teach you, and you'll notice that your interactions

  • or the way you talk to each other will change and you'll probably be a lot happier, and

  • not like E. E Smash, so angry, so angry. All right?

  • So let's go to the board.

  • So what did I tell you here?

  • Okay? I want us to stop the fighting.

  • And how are we going to do that?

  • Well, the first thing we have to do is accept that...

  • Or accept that arguments and fighting are a part of life, and as I said, it's because

  • you care.

  • You fight because something is important to you, or someone is fighting with you because

  • something is important to them.

  • And when you don't take the time to understand it's important to them, that's what makes

  • the fight worse.

  • Half of the times things can be resolved or solved or fixed easily if you just go:

  • "Hey, that bothers you? Got it."

  • Once most people hear that, they're willing to talk to you.

  • But if they don't think they're being heard, they smash, they hit hard.

  • So let's go to the board.

  • Okay, so I'm going to give you two types of phrases.

  • Okay?

  • These will help you...

  • One will help you let the other person know that you care and you're listening, the other

  • one is so that you can express yourself.

  • Okay?

  • Because it's important that you have a voice and you should be heard.

  • And then in the second part when we come back we'll do words that aren't always about being

  • angry, but show different states and emotions, and I'll explain them and you can use them

  • when you're ready.

  • So, let's go.

  • Okay, these phrases, as it says, will help show that you care about the other person.

  • And how do we show we care about the other person?

  • Sometimes it's to say or to show that they're intelligent. Right?

  • So the first statement I use as this:

  • "You have a good point" or "That's a good point".

  • In saying: "That's a good point"...

  • I got to put a comma here, I just forgot my comma.

  • "That's a good point", in saying that you're admitting that what they're saying, there's valid.

  • Valid means has some truth.

  • You're not automatically agreeing with everything they say, and that's important.

  • When people are arguing, you don't have to agree with everything, but you have to listen

  • and see what they say because sometimes what they say is good and can help both of you

  • in your relationship.

  • So simply just saying, you know: "You have a good point.

  • I should think about this."

  • Or: "That's a good point."

  • Even if I don't agree with everything, I can still listen to you and hear that these are

  • good points or these make sense.

  • All right?

  • By using these phrases here, I just want to point out that it will help you because what

  • you're saying really is: No matter what we fight about, at the end you're still my good

  • friend, you're still my girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, lover, student, or teacher.

  • Okay? Not all together, by the way.

  • But, you know, each one as a partnership, we're...

  • We can still be good or have a good relationship even though we don't agree right now.

  • Okay?

  • So that's the first one.

  • Here's the second one: "I can understand why you want X."

  • Well, what I want is important to me, and the fact that you can understand it means

  • at least you're listening to me or you think my views are important.

  • So, by saying that, you can say: "I can understand you want X."

  • Once again, you're not saying I'm going to give it to you, but you know what?

  • We've been dating-what?-15 years, living together, we have five kids, two kittens,

  • a dog, and a pony - you want to get married.

  • I can understand why you would want to get married after all of this commitment.

  • It doesn't mean I'm going to do it, but I can understand it because I thought about it.

  • That will at least let the person think: "Okay, you can understand."

  • They might want something, be prepared, but at least you're showing: I listened to you

  • and I get it.

  • All right?

  • And it's fair, you can understand that.

  • "Tell me more. ...And how can I help you?"

  • This is very powerful.

  • Very, very powerful, but be careful when you use it.

  • When you're telling someone: "Tell me more", you're saying:

  • I respect you as a person so I'm willing to listen to you.

  • I know, I said scary words: "listen to you".

  • My mouth will remain shut.

  • That's right, shut it and listen.

  • And then when they're done you can say: "And how can I help?"

  • In my job, in my day job-day job-when I teach I also help with students and that, and I've used this.

  • And I know it sounds crazy, but it works very well because first...

  • Please don't... Don't be angry when I say this, anyone watching.

  • Well, when somebody's angry it's like a snake.

  • A snake has venom.

  • You know?

  • The snake.

  • And the snake bites.

  • Now, the snake has to let that venom go or it's not good for the snake.

  • You know, yeah. It's just not good for the snake.

  • So the snake bites you, you take the venom.

  • Now, the snake lets the venom go, it feels better, it can go about its business.

  • That's what this is about.

  • "Tell me more" is someone's angry, they got to let it out.

  • By letting them let it out it's like...

  • Think of a balloon.

  • The balloon is big, about to pop, but as the air...

  • The air goes out, the balloon won't pop, and now the balloon can go back and forth, still

  • be a balloon and not explode.

  • That's good for the balloon. Right?

  • It's also good for you because you let it out, usually they let you know exactly what's

  • going on so you can think about it if your mouth is shut, and then you can say:

  • "And how can I help?"

  • Honestly, 50% of the time once they let that out, they're like: "I just needed to vent."

  • "Needed to vent" is an English expression means: "I was upset or angry, I had all this

  • energy inside and I had to let it go.

  • And now I let it go, I can do it myself.

  • I can fix it myself."

  • The other 50%, that's why I said it's dangerous, when you say: "And how can I help?" they might

  • say: "Hey, this is what I want from you."

  • And because you said: "How can I help?" you kind of have to do it.

  • But remember what we said up here?

  • Because you care about the argument or you care about the person, you probably want to

  • help them because you actually do care about them.

  • So keep that in mind. Okay?

  • And once they vent, usually what they ask for isn't this big, monstrous thing.

  • Sometimes it's a little thing that you can help with.

  • So be generous, say: "How can I help?"

  • It goes a long way. All right?

  • Now, these thring-, three things, as I said, will tell the other person that you care about them.

  • Especially this one: "How can I help you?" because I care about you.

  • And it'll change your relationship, it'll change the way you fight.

  • You'll have more respect for each other.

  • And you're learning my language, so I'm trying to teach you how we think.

  • And these words are important to us.

  • Now, there's two sides to every coin, and a coin is money, and in this case there are

  • two sides to every argument: The people you're fighting with and you.

  • If you don't express or let people know how you feel, things won't change for the better

  • or things won't be good.

  • So in this case I want to take the time to go through and give you some phrases that

  • are useful to help you express yourself.

  • Here's the funny thing.

  • Remember before we have to put the other person high and lower yourself to make them feel better?

  • And by the way, it's not a sign of weakness to go lower.

  • It takes great strength to be able to sit down and let someone else talk.

  • Okay?

  • But in this case, ah, when you want to really push your point, you have to do something

  • a little different.

  • Once again, you got to lower yourself. Huh?

  • Well, for some people this is called lowering themselves.

  • For me it's actually being very strong.

  • You got to tell the truth.

  • And in order to do that without being too strong and making the other person defensive,

  • which means they want to fight with you instead of listen, we're going to take what I would

  • say is a soft approach or a soft way of communicating.

  • The first one is this: "Look, I know this might sound stupid, but what really is bothering

  • me is this..."

  • So, yeah, look, I know this might sound stupid, but what's really bothering me is...

  • By saying: "Look"...

  • That's a secret command, by the way.

  • Saying: "Look", you're saying: "Stop. Pay attention."

  • But then you're saying: "What really is bothering me",

  • but this part here: "it might sound stupid" is saying:

  • "I know to you this may not be a big thing, and I know it's kind of, you know, not that important",

  • but because you're doing that it kind of softens what you're

  • about to say because you're going to say what is really bothering me.

  • This does not make me happy.

  • But I'm not saying: "Hey, stupid, you pissed me off."

  • I'm saying: "Hey, I know. Sorry. Don't mean to bother you."

  • And because that most people will go:

  • "Well, no, it's no bother. No, no, please speak",

  • because I've lowered myself and said:

  • "I know it doesn't seem important to you, but..."

  • And most people are generous enough that they'll go: "Okay, cool. Gotcha.

  • Well, why don't you talk?"

  • Cool. See? You secretly slide in.

  • First you come in, smash!

  • I'm kidding.

  • First you say: "Look, pay attention."

  • Then you lower yourself, then you introduce what you want to say.

  • Cool? I know, sneaky. Sorry.

  • Sneaky means not direct, but sometimes you do what you do to get the job done. Right?

  • Okay.

  • Here's a second: "That" and I say "X".

  • Whatever X is, it could be a comment they said, a thing they did:

  • "hurt my feelings because..."

  • Once again you're saying: "I'm hurt."

  • You're not putting the blame on the other person.

  • You'll notice if you listen carefully when I do these, I'm never saying:

  • "It's all your fault."

  • The first one I'm saying: "You might think this is stupid because it's something I'm thinking."

  • Not you being stupid, not your fault.

  • This one: "That thing hurt my feelings. Not you."

  • Right?

  • That thing that you said.

  • Not you, but the thing that you said hurt my feelings, and it hurt my feelings because...

  • Then I tell you why it hurt my feelings.

  • Because I'm not directly coming at you, the person can actually sit down and listen because

  • they don't feel like they're being attacked.

  • It's really important.

  • All right?

  • Third one is this one:

  • "I'm scared and I don't really want to admit it, but I'm afraid you

  • might feel..."

  • Or: "I'm afraid..."

  • Admitting scared is natural for humans that if someone says: "I'm scared" or "I'm afraid",

  • you want to protect them because coming to you saying: "Look, I'm scared of this", I'm

  • saying: "You're my protector.

  • Can you help me?"

  • And for the average person, they'll go: "You're scared?

  • What are you scared of?"

  • And they want to play superhero: "How can I help?"

  • So by saying that and you're saying: "I'm afraid, but I'm afraid", blah, blah, blah,

  • what is making me afraid, it allows them to listen and then want to participate and help you.

  • It's kind of like this one.

  • Remember I said: This might get you in trouble because they will ask for your help?

  • Well, this gets them in trouble because if they're going to be your protector, they have

  • to do something.

  • Yeah, see?

  • Yin and yang, a bit of balance on that. Okay?

  • So, using these phrases will change your arguments because fighting's a part of life, you can't

  • escape them.

  • But what you can do is use the fight to make a better relationship.

  • And by doing that, what we want to do is first of all let the other person know you care.

  • It doesn't matter how this argument goes, at the end we're still going to be who we

  • are; brother-sister, mother-father, husband-wife, teacher-student.

  • Our relationship doesn't change because we have a disagreement.

  • And I really want to listen to what's wrong so I can help.

  • Right?

  • At the same time sometimes you have to tell people this isn't working, but I want you

  • to know that I care about our relationship.

  • It's not going to change, but this is what I need from you to make it work.

  • Pretty cool, huh?

  • And it's all words, and that's why you're here, to learn English and how we use it.