Every four years the 32 best men's national soccer teams

世界最棒的 32 支男子足球隊伍每隔四年

gather together for the World Cup

就為了世界盃聚集在一起

which is played in whatever country has most successfully bribed FIFA officials.

世界盃就舉辦在最會賄賂 FIFA 官方的國家

It's the most watched sporting event in the world!

這是世界上最多人觀看的比賽！

and the United States... won't be there.

美國...今年不會出現

Here's an introduction to the 32 nations that will:

以下是 32 個國家隊的介紹

Argentina have Lionel Messi, arguably the best

阿根廷擁有梅西，一個沒贏過世界盃的

player never to win the World Cup

頂尖球員

Australia's national team are called the Socceroos

澳洲的國家隊被稱為澳洲「鼠」隊

which makes them hard to dislike.

讓人不喜歡都難

Belgium have argyle in their uniforms

比利時球衣上有方格旗

so they'll probably win the tournament.

所以他們可能會贏下比賽

Brazil are consistently a joy to watch

巴西隊的比賽一直以來都賞心悅目

except when they are playing Germany

除了他們對上德國的時候

and they're the favorites to win the World Cup this year.

他們是今年奪冠呼聲最高的隊伍

Colombia's jerseys look like they have an armpit sweat pattern

哥倫比亞的隊服腋下看起來在出汗

but I will not let that distract me from

但那不足以讓我從帥氣的

the extraordinary good looks of their star player James Rodriguez.

明星球員J羅分心

Costa Rica just passed the United States in life expectancy

哥斯大黎加除了在資格賽兩次打敗美國

in addition to beating us twice in World Cup qualifying, so that's nice for them.

人民的壽命也剛超過我們，這對他們是件好事

Croatia are notable for having a chessboard on their uniform.

克羅埃西亞以球衣上的棋盤聞名

Denmark invented Lego so that makes them fun to root for.

丹麥因為發明了樂高讓人很想支持他們

Egypt has qualified for their first World Cup since 1990 and they are

埃及是自從 1990 年再度晉級

led by noted hero and dreamboat Mohamed Salah

由明星球員薩拉帶領

and their goalkeeper is 45 years old which is a real inspiration to old people like me

他們45歲的守門員啟發了跟我一樣老的人

all in all they are my adopted team for the World Cup.

總而言之埃及是我支持的隊伍

England. Right, so the deal with England is that

英格蘭的狀況是

every World Cup all the fans are like

每次世界盃他們的粉絲都說

"Our team isn't even that good. We probably won't even make the quarterfinals"

「我們根本沒那麼強，可能連淘汰賽都進不去。」

and then they do make the quarterfinals whereupon they lose and all the fans are shocked and devastated

然後在粉絲的驚訝之中晉級淘汰賽

that their national team did EXACTLY what it always does.

這事情每一次都在發生

France's mascot is a rooster. Also, they're a trendy pick to win the World Cup this year

法國的吉祥物是公雞，也有人說他們會贏得今年的冠軍

but they couldn't beat the United States in a friendly over the weekend so I'm a bit dubious.

但他們在友誼賽中沒能打敗美國，所以我對此保持懷疑

Germany are very good and they have a manager who always

德國在非常好的狀態，而且有一個教練看起來

looks like an aging Beatle trying to hail a cab.

像是變老的披頭四正在招呼計程車

Iceland qualified for the World Cup despite having a population smaller than Wichita, Kansas.

冰島的人口比肯薩斯州的威奇托市還少仍然成功晉級世界盃

HOW ARE WE NOT GOING TO THE WORLD CUP?

我們怎麼可以不參加世界盃啊？

I'm sorry. That is off topic.

抱歉，離題了

Congratulations to Iceland who would be a great pick

恭喜冰島，要不是我對埃及隊的薩拉永恆不死的愛

for my adopted team if it weren't for my undying love for Mohamed Salah.

他們會是我支持的隊伍

Iran's backup goalkeeper slept on the floor of the pizza restaurant where he worked until

伊朗的候補守門員晚上睡在一家比薩餐廳的地板

signing a professional contract a few years ago.

直到他幾年前簽下合約為止

Almost all of Japan's players play professionally for Japanese teams, which is why it's no excuse to say MLS

幾乎所有日本國家隊的成員都在日本職業踢球，我們絕對沒有資格說

isn't good enough to develop World Cup level players.

美國職業足球不夠好以至於無法提供能參加世界盃的國腳

Mexico are obviously the best team in North America

墨西哥很明顯是北美最好的球隊

also they have Rafa Marquez who will be playing in his FIFTH World Cup.

其中拉婓爾・馬奎斯是第五次參加世界盃

Morocco have a very strong defense which they will need against Spain and Portugal.

摩洛哥有非常好的防守，在隊上西班牙和葡萄牙的時候一定會用上

Nigeria, meanwhile, have the best kits in the tournament

奈及利亞有最棒的球衣

and if they weren't in the hardest group they might go far. But... they *are* in the hardest group.

如果他們不在實力最強的小組，很有機會出線

Panama have qualified for their first World Cup ever which is

巴拿馬第一次晉級世界盃

great and I am totally over the fact that they beat the United States in qualifying

我已經接受美國在資格賽被他們打敗的事實

HOW DO YOU LOSE TO TRINIDAD?

踢拉丁美洲要怎麼輸啦？

My friend the writer Daniel Alarcón is Peruvian AND their uniform has a sash AND they've qualified for their first

我的朋友是秘魯人，秘魯球衣上有榮譽肩帶，而且這是自從 1982 年來首次入圍

World Cup since 1982 making them an excellent choice for your adopted team

要支持他們有很多很棒的理由

until and unless you look into these dreamy eyes.

除非你看到了他們空幻的眼神

Poland are a good long shot pick to go far in the tournament if their star striker Robert Lewandowski is in form.

波蘭陣中好手羅伯特如果狀況好的話將會讓波蘭的晉級之路更長遠順遂

Portugal have Cristiano Ronaldo if you're into that kind of thing

葡萄牙有 C 羅，如果你對他感興趣的話

I'm sorry, I'm trying to work my way through some of my issues around Real Madrid right now.

抱歉，我還在面對皇家馬德里現在面臨的問題

Russia is hosting the tournament and I'm not gonna say

俄羅斯是這次的主辦國

anything else because I am genuinely scared of Vladimir Putin.

我不打算多說什麼因為我怕死普丁了

Saudi Arabia are the biggest underdogs

沙烏地阿拉伯是本屆最大黑馬

Serbia has a defense with tons of experience

塞爾維亞的防線球員都非常有大賽經驗

or, put another way, they're old.

換句話說，他們都很老了

Nobody agrees with me but I think Senegal could go to

沒人認同我，但我認為塞內加爾會晉級到四強

the semi-finals because Sadio Mane is really good and no this video has not

因為馬內實在踢得太好了

been biased by my affection for Liverpool.

不，這影片不包含我對利物浦的偏愛

South Korea's coach is only four years older than Egypt's goalkeeper.

南韓的總教練只比埃及的守門員老四歲

Spain are kind of the Yankees of soccer.

西班牙可以說是足球界的洋基隊

Sweden no longer has football's biggest personality, Zlatan Ibrahimovic, so why bother?

瑞典少了伊布已經沒有特色了

Switzerland specializes in neutrality which is perhaps why they play so many

瑞士喜歡打烏龜戰術

excruciatingly boring nil-nil draws.

這就是為什麼他們有這麼多零比零平手的球賽

Tunisia's kits look so good I bought one but I fear their World Cup will be brief.

突尼西亞的球衣太好看了，所以我買了一件，但恐怕他們世界盃的旅程並不會走很遠

And last but not least, Uruguay are probably best known for having a striker, Luis Suarez,

最後，烏拉圭最有名的可能是蘇雅瑞茲

who has bitten opponents on three separate occasions

他已經在三個不同的大賽咬了他的對手了

but that ignores the important fact that in more than 99% of his competitive games Luis Suarez hasn't bitten ANYONE

不過 99％ 的比賽中他沒有咬人啦！

a NEARLY perfect record.

近乎完美的紀錄

I'll be live-tweeting every game of this year's World Cup

我會推特直播今年世界盃的每一場賽事

at my sports twitter @sportswithjohn I hope to see you there.

希望能在我的推特看到你們

Hank, I will see you on Friday.

星期五見