In moments of fury with our partners, we may be tempted to dismiss their complaints against us with the cry: "Just love me as I am!"

在與伴侶爭執的憤怒之中，我們可能以一句「愛我原本的樣子吧！」而忽視對方對我們的指責。

But in truth, none of us should want to remain exactly as we are in love.

但事實是，我們都不應該希望在戀愛時，還全然維持自己的原貌。

And therefore, none of us should, too strongly, want another person to love as opposed to tolerate or simply forgive what is warped within us.

因此，我們也都不應該太強烈地要求另一個人去愛我們內在的缺陷，反而是該希望他們給予容忍或原諒。

Genuine love might be defined as " gently and kindly helping someone to become the best version of themselves, not accepting themselves precisely as they are."

真正的愛可能被定義為「溫柔且友善地幫助某人成為他最好的樣子，而不是讓他接受現在的自己」。

It isn't a betrayal of love for someone to try to help us to evolve, to teach us to become better people.

當別人試圖幫助我們進步、教導我們成為更好的人時，不該被視為一種對愛的背叛。

In fact, it may be the highest proof of genuine commitment.

事實上，這可能是意味著真心奉獻的最強力佐證。

Unfortunately, under the sway of a romantic ideology that makes us suspicious of emotional education, most of us end up being terrible teachers and equally terrible students in relationships.

不幸的是，在浪漫理想思維影響讓我們對情感教育不信任的狀況下，多數人在感情中，通常都是糟糕的老師，以及同樣糟糕的學生。

We don't accept the legitimacy, let alone the nobility, of others' desire to teach us, and we can't acknowledge areas where we might need to be taught.

我們不願認接受對方想教導我們的合理性以及偉大，我們也無法認可自己需要被教導的地方。

We rebel against the very structure of a lover's education that would enable criticism to be molded into sensible-sounding lessons.

我們會反抗愛人給予指導的基礎，而這種指導卻正能將批評塑造為聽來理性的說教。

And to be heard as caring attempts to reject the more troublesome aspects of our personalities.

或聽來像是企圖以關懷的方式，駁斥我們人格中麻煩的面向。

At the first sign that the other person is adopting a "teacherly" tone, we tend to assume that we're being attacked and betrayed,

一旦察覺對方採用說教的語調，我們傾向認定自己被攻擊和背叛，

And therefore we close our ears to the instruction, reacting with sarcasm and aggression to the teacher.

因此我們對建言充耳不聞，以諷刺和攻擊性的態度面對說教者。

Our stance is deeply understandable.

我們的立場是充分能夠被理解的。

To the mother, everything about her tiny infant is delightful.

對一位母親來說，關於她初生嬰兒的所有事情都是愉快的。

They wouldn't change even the smallest thing; their baby is perfect just as it is.

她們一丁點兒都不會改變，她們的寶寶維持現狀就很完美。

Our idea of love has taken this kind of attitude very much to heart.

我們對於愛的想法，也採取了這種態度，且深植心中。

It's what we grow up thinking that love is supposed to be like.

我們長大的過程中一直都認為愛應該如此。

The suggestion that another person could want us to change, grow, or improve is taken as an insult to love.

另一個人會希望我們改變、成長或改進的這件事，被視為對愛的侮辱。

The problem is, the mother never, in fact, loved us just as we were.

問題是，母親從來就不是只愛我們原本的樣子。

She hoped we would keep growing up, and the need to keep growing up is still there.

她希望我們能持續成長，而持續成長的必要性也一直存在。

Our bodies may be fully formed, but our psyches always have some growing up still to do.

我們的身體也許發育完成，但我們的心靈永遠都有再成長的空間。

We should never hold it against our lovers if they don't love us just as we are.

我們永遠不該因為愛人不完全愛我們現在的樣子就心懷怨懟。

They're doing something far more generous — wanting us to be a little better.

他們是在做更寬容大度的事──希望我們變得更好一點。

If you want to learn more about love, try our book on "How to Find Love", which explains why we have the types we do, and how our early experiences give us scripts of how and whom we love.

如果你想多了解愛，讀讀我們《如何尋愛》這本書，書中解釋各種愛存在的原因，以及我們的早期經歷如何塑造我們愛的方式和對象。