(jazzy music)

(爵士樂)

One time, when I was in College,

有一次，當我還是大學生的時候

I went to knock on the bathroom, it was last call,

當酒吧準備打烊時，我去敲廁所的門

everyone was gone, but I knew

每個人都走了，但我知道

that there were two people inside who left their tab.

廁所裡面有兩個人還沒付帳

And I had of an idea where they were.

然後我就猜他們在哪裡

(laughs)

(笑聲)

I knocked on the door, and as I open the door,

我敲門，而當我打開門時

the guy turns around and then,

那個男生轉身

proceeds to throw up all over the girl

然後接著吐在那個

that he's having sex with.

剛剛跟他發生關係的女生身上

That happened.

真的就這樣發生

(swoosh)

(颼颼聲)

I was actually closing the bar

我那時其實正要關酒吧

at one of the places I worked in Hell's Kitchen.

在地獄廚房 (美國的曼哈頓) 的某一個地方

Usually typical, when you're closing the bar,

通常，當你正要關酒吧

wrapping everything down, and then all of a sudden,

整理所有東西，然後忽然之間

three guys walk in, and one of the guys goes,

三個男生走進來，其中一個說：

"Hey, are you open?"

「你們酒吧還開著嗎？」

My manager and I were both like,

我的經理跟我兩個都說：

"Oh, actually we're really sorry but we are closed."

「真的很不好意思，但我們打烊了。」

The registers are shut down, like, everything.

我們都已經把招牌和其他的所有東西關掉

Our boss has started to mop the floor, like, we were done.

我老闆已經開始拖地板，我們幾乎都快整理完

One of the guys turns around to leave and he goes,

其中一個男生轉頭準備離開然後說：

"You don't know what you just did."

「你不知道你剛剛做了什麼。」

And we're like, wait, what?

我們就想：「蛤？什麼？」

Like what, like what just happened?

到底發生什麼事？

He was like, "That was Bruce Willis you just closed on."

他說：「你剛剛拒布魯斯威利於門外。」

And I was like,

我很震驚

(makes surprise sound).

(發出驚訝的聲音)

- Was that really Bruce Willis?

- 那是真的布魯斯威利嗎？

- It was really Bruce Willis.

- 那真的是布魯斯威利

- Oh.

- 喔我的天

- And so we actually felt really bad.

- 所以我們心情真的很差

The owner of the bar ended up

最後我老闆

sending him a bottle of tequila, a bottle of mezcal

送他一瓶蒸餾酒和一瓶梅斯卡爾

just to say sorry.

以示道歉

I feel terrible.

我真的很難過

- That would have been a great tip.

- 我原本可以拿到很多小費

- Right?

- 對吧？

So yeah, I closed the door on Bruce Willis.

所以，我就拒布魯斯威利於門外了

(swoosh)

(颼颼聲)

- So the other day, I actually had

- 有一天

a group of four people come in.

有四個人進來酒吧

Right off the bat, the one guy wanted to know

接下來，其中一個男人想知道

what our most expensive champagne was,

我們店裡最貴的香檳是哪一支

which is not a question that you get very often.

那不是一般客人會問的問題

I was like, well, Dom Perignon like, $455 a bottle.

我說：「唐培里儂香檳王 ，一瓶 455 美金」

And he just went, "Great, we'll take two."

然後他接著說：「好，那我們要兩支。」

That's such a strange way to just start balling out on your evening.

這樣在下午大肆花錢的方式真的很奇怪

The people he was with were like, "No, no, don't do it."

他身邊的人都說：「不要這樣做。」

And he was like, "No, I'm Jay-Z tonight, I'm balling out."

他卻說：「我今晚就是 Jay-Z (美國嘻哈藝術家)，我就是要大肆花錢。 」

So I grabbed my manager 'cause I was like,

所以我抓住我的主管

I think this is a little suspicious.

因為我覺得他很奇怪

And he was like, oh no, if he ordered it, like,

但我的主管說：「不會啊！如果他點的話」

let's do it, let's go.

「就賣給他。」

By the end of the couple hours that they were there,

在幾個小時之後

the guy who had ordered the champagne was like,

那個點香檳的男生

laid back in his chair, just drinking

就癱軟在椅子上，一直喝酒

straight out of the bottle.

直到瓶子見底

Absolutely hammered.

他完全喝到爛醉

You know that look on someone's face, when like,

當你看到那些喝到爛醉人的臉你就知道

they can puke at any second.

他們隨時都會吐

That's the world he's living in.

那就是他當時的狀態

He tried to walk out without paying.

他嘗試吃霸王餐

I grabbed my bouncer so fast.

我快速地拉著我們酒吧的保全去抓他

And he was just like, "Oh wait, come on, (muffled sounds)."

但他卻說：「拜託！(用低沈的聲音說) 」

And I was like, Dude, I have your credit card,

我就說：「老兄，我有你的信用卡。」

I'm gonna swipe it for this amount

我就是要刷你剛剛消費的金額

and I'm gonna give myself 20% gratuity.

我要給我自己 20% 的小費

We caught him real fast, and made him pay,

我們很快地抓到他，逼他付錢

and I'm sure, even though that was several days ago,

我很確定，即使這是幾天前的事情

he's still hungover.

他現在一定還在宿醉

(swoosh)

(颼颼聲)

- I had this couple come in.

- 有天一對情侶走進來

They were so sweet, I guess it was a regular date,

他們非常甜蜜，我猜他們那天就是正常的約會

she looked really nice.

女生看起來非常好

The guy waited till she got, kinda got buzzed,

那個男生等她喝到有點醉

where she was like, semi-walking straight in her heels.

她已經開始搖搖晃晃地踩著高跟鞋走路

- Uh-oh.

- 噢不

- She went to the bathroom, he's like,

- 當女生去廁所

Hide this ring in a red velvet cupcake

男生就把戒指藏在紅絲絨杯子蛋糕

that we served at that place.

而我們會送上桌

So, we, all the bartenders are like,

所以，我們所有酒保們都想

Oh my God, this guy's gonna propose,

天啊！這個男生要求婚了

we're about to be all snapped,

我們準備好要狂拍照

we're about to be on camera, blah blah blah.

我們也準備好相機，之類的

- Yeah.

- 對

- We hide it in, we put the candle in.

- 我們把戒指藏起來，放在蠟燭

The guy gets down on one knee, he's all excited,

那個男生單腳下跪，他非常興奮

you could tell he was like, nervous,

也非常緊張

'cause all cameras in the whole restaurant are on him.

因為全餐廳所有的相機都聚焦在他身上

And the lady's like, "Hum, can we talk about this first?"

但那個女生卻說：「我們可以先談談嗎？」

(surprise breathing)

(倒抽一口氣)

I was like, uh-oh, because we can't move.

我就想：「噢不！」因為我們不能動

- Oh my God.

- 我的天

- Oh no, what do we do?

- 我們能做什麼？

'Cause we still had to stay smiling.

我們還得持續站在那微笑

(laughs)

(笑聲)

It was so awkward.

那真的很尷尬

- I'd be devastated.

- 我會超震驚的

- He looked like he was gonna cry.

- 他看起來快哭了

- Oh, poor baby.

- 噢，可憐的男人

(laughs)

(笑聲)

- I guess the truth comes out when you're drunk, right?

- 我想總是酒後吐真言，對吧？

- Girl, woo.

- 女生，呼

- I was like, how can I handle that situation without laughing?

- 我怎麼能不笑地處理這個情況？

- Oh my God. (laughs)

- 我的天 (笑聲)

- Without being like, I wanted to be part of it

- 我想要參與這一切

until it went into shambles.

直到情況變得如此地混亂

(jazzy music)

(爵士樂)

(wind blowing)

(風吹聲)

(metal squeaking)

(金屬聲)