My name is Simone.

大家好。

You know how people tell you if you get nervous when onstage,

我是西蒙。

picture people in the audience naked?

你知道大家常說 如果你在臺上感到緊張，

Like it's this thing that's supposed to make you feel better.

就想像臺下的觀眾都沒穿衣服？

But I was thinking --

好像這麼做會讓你感覺好點一樣。

picturing all of you naked in 2018 feels kind of weird and wrong.

但是我在想——

Like, we're working really hard on moving past stuff like that,

在 2018 年還想像你們沒穿衣服 感覺實在有點奇怪和不對勁。

so we need a new method of dealing with

我們如此盡力地擺脫過去，

if you get nervous onstage.

對此我們需要有個新方法

And I realized that what I'd really like

克服上臺的緊張。

is that I can look at you as much as you're looking at me --

我意識我很喜歡的一點是

just to even things out a little bit.

當你們看著我的時候， 我也同樣能盯著你們——

So if I had way more eyeballs,

這樣才公平吧。

then we'd all be really comfortable, right?

我就想如果我有更多的眼睛，

So in preparation for this talk, I made myself a shirt.

那麽我們彼此凝望的時候 會更自在，不是嗎？

(Rattling)

所以為了這個演講， 我給自己做了件衣服。

(Laughter)

（找衣服聲）

It's googly eyes.

（笑聲）

It took me 14 hours

上面是鼓鼓的小眼睛。

and 227 googly eyes to make this shirt.

我花了14個小時，

And being able to look at you as much as you're looking at me

用了227個鼓鼓小眼睛 來完成這件衣服。

is actually only half of the reason I made this.

為了可以用它來盯著你們所有人， 像你們現在看著我一樣，

The other half is being able to do this.

只是創造這件衣服的一半原因。

(Googly eyes rattle)

另一半原因是為了可以這樣做。

(Laughter)

（眼球搖動聲）

So I do a lot of things like this.

（笑聲）

I see a problem and I invent some sort of solution to it.

所以我做了很多這樣的東西。

For example, brushing your teeth.

我發現一個問題， 然後我就發明解決它的東西。

Like, it's this thing we all have to do, it's kind of boring,

比如說，刷牙。

and nobody really likes it.

這是我們都要做的事， 確實有點無聊，

If there were any seven-year-olds in the audience,

沒人喜歡。

they'd be like, "Yes!"

如果觀衆席裏有 7 歲小孩，

So what about if you had a machine that could do it for you?

他們肯定會說：｢沒錯！｣

(Laughter)

所以如果你有個 可以幫你刷牙的機器呢？

I call it ...

（笑聲）

I call it "The Toothbrush Helmet."

我把它叫做…

(Laughter)

我叫它｢自助刷牙頭盔｣。

(Robot arm buzzing)

（笑聲）

(Laughter)

（機器手臂聲）

(Applause)

（笑聲）

So my toothbrush helmet is recommended by zero out of 10 dentists,

（掌聲）

and it definitely did not revolutionize the world of dentistry,

所以，10 個牙醫裡有 0 位 推薦了我的自助刷牙頭盔，

but it did completely change my life.

當然它沒能帶來牙科界的革命，

Because I finished making this toothbrush helmet three years ago

但它確實徹底改變了我的生活。

and after I finished making it,

因為三年前我創造了 這個自助刷牙頭盔，

I went into my living room and I put up a camera,

在我完成它以後，

and I filmed a seven-second clip of it working.

我走進了客廳，放了一臺攝影機，

And by now,

我拍攝了它運作的 7 秒短片。

this is a pretty standard modern-day fairy tale

到現在，

of girl posting on the internet,

這就像標準的現代童話故事，

the internet takes the girl by storm,

一個女孩在網上發佈影片，

thousands of men voyage into the comment sections

網路如暴風雨般席捲了這個女孩，

to ask for her hand in marriage --

成千上萬的人湧入了評論區

(Laughter)

向這個女孩求婚——

She ignores all of them, starts a YouTube channel

（笑聲）

and keeps on building robots.

她無視了這一切， 開始了一個 YouTube 頻道，

Since then, I've carved out this little niche for myself on the internet

繼續創造她的機器人。

as an inventor of useless machines,

從那以後，我就在網路上 為自己設計了這個小世界，

because as we all know,

當一個發明無用之物的發明家，

the easiest way to be at the top of your field

因為正如我們所知，

is to choose a very small field.

在你所處的領域登峰造極， 最簡單的方式

(Laughter)

就是選擇一個小領域。

(Applause)

（笑聲）

So I run a YouTube channel about my machines,

（掌聲）

and I've done things like cutting hair with drones --

所以我開始了一個 YouTube 頻道 發佈我發明的小機器，

(Drone buzzes)

我做過的事包含用無人機剪髮——

(Laughter)

（無人機聲音）

(Drone crashes)

（笑聲）

(Laughter)

（無人機撞翻）

(Drone buzzes)

（笑聲）

(Laughter)

（無人機聲音）

(Applause)

（笑聲）

To a machine that helps me wake up in the morning --

（掌聲）

(Alarm)

還有發明了一個 早上叫我起床的機器——

(Laughter)

（鬧鈴）

(Video) Simone: Ow!

（笑聲）

To this machine that helps me chop vegetables.

（影片）西蒙：哦嗚！

(Knives chop)

還有這個能幫我切蔬菜的機器。

I'm not an engineer.

（切菜聲）

I did not study engineering in school.

我不是工程師，

But I was a super ambitious student growing up.

我沒在學校學習過工程，

In middle school and high school, I had straight A's,

但我是個很上進的學生，

and I graduated at the top of my year.

中學的時候，我的成績一直都拿甲，

On the flip side of that,

我以全校前幾名畢業。

I struggled with very severe performance anxiety.

在另一方面，

Here's an email I sent to my brother around that time.

我一直有嚴重的表演焦慮症，

"You won't understand how difficult it is for me to tell you,

這是一封我當時發給我哥的郵件，

to confess this.

｢你不會懂對我來說， 告訴你這個有多困難，

I'm so freaking embarrassed.

去承認，

I don't want people to think that I'm stupid.

我太羞愧了，

Now I'm starting to cry too.

我不想讓人覺得我很蠢，

Damn."

現在我開始哭了，

And no, I did not accidentally burn our parents' house down.

可惡。｣

The thing I'm writing about in the email and the thing I'm so upset about

當然，我並沒有意外 把我爸媽家燒了，

is that I got a B on a math test.

我在郵件裡寫的事， 我如此難過的事，

So something obviously happened between here and here.

是因為我在數學考試中拿了乙。

(Laughter)

在這兩個時間點之間 一定有什麽事發生在我身上了。

One of those things was puberty.

（笑聲）

(Laughter)

青春期也是其中之一。

Beautiful time indeed.

（笑聲）

But moreover,

的確，美妙的時光。

I got interested in building robots,

但是，此外，

and I wanted to teach myself about hardware.

我對創造機器發明感興趣了，

But building things with hardware, especially if you're teaching yourself,

我想要自學硬體設備，

is something that's really difficult to do.

利用硬體去製作東西， 特別是還是自學，

It has a high likelihood of failure

這真的非常困難。

and moreover,

失敗的可能性很大，

it has a high likelihood of making you feel stupid.

另外，

And that was my biggest fear at the time.

也很可能讓你顯得很蠢，

So I came up with a setup that would guarantee success 100 percent of the time.

這就是我那時最大的恐懼，

With my setup, it would be nearly impossible to fail.

所以我想出了 能夠 100% 成功的方案，

And that was that instead of trying to succeed,

因此我幾乎不可能會失敗，

I was going to try to build things that would fail.

這個方案便是 我不再嘗試成功，

And even though I didn't realize it at the time,

我嘗試去創造一定會失敗的東西。

building stupid things was actually quite smart,

即使在那時我還不明白，

because as I kept on learning about hardware,

創造愚蠢的東西，其實很聰明，

for the first time in my life,

因為我一直在學習硬體，

I did not have to deal with my performance anxiety.

這是我人生第一次，

And as soon as I removed all pressure and expectations from myself,

我沒有感到表演焦慮，

that pressure quickly got replaced by enthusiasm,

一旦我讓自己不再有壓力和期望，

and it allowed me to just play.

壓力一下轉換成了動力，

So as an inventor,

它讓我能夠去盡情體驗。

I'm interested in things that people struggle with.

身為發明家，

It can be small things or big things or medium-sized things

我對人們所困惑的事情感興趣，

and something like giving a TED talk presents this whole new set of problems

這寫事情可以是小事或大事， 亦或是不大不小的事情。

that I can solve.

和像做 TED 演講一樣的事情 讓我提出一系列小問題，

And identifying a problem is the first step in my process

並可以得到解決。

of building a useless machine.

發現問題是我創造無用的機器，

So before I came here,

前進的第一步。

I sat down and I thought of some of the potential problems I might have

在我來這裏之前，

in giving this talk.

我坐下來想了一些 我可能會碰到的問題

Forgetting what to say.

在我做這個演講中。

That people won't laugh --

忘詞。

that's you.

觀衆不笑——

Or even worse,

説的就是你。

that you'll laugh at the wrong things --

或者更糟，

that was an OK part to laugh at,

你在不應該笑的時候笑，

thank you.

現在這部分還是可以笑的，

(Laughter)

謝謝你們。

Or that when I get nervous, my hands start shaking

（笑聲）

and I'm really self-conscious about it.

或者當我緊張的時候， 我的手會開始抖

Or that my fly has been open this entire time

我對這感覺很不安。

and all of you noticed but I didn't,

或者我褲拉鏈一直忘記拉上了

but it's closed so we're all good on that one.

我沒發現，但是你們都發現了。

But one thing I'm actually really nervous about is my hands shaking.

但是現在是拉上的， 所以對於這個沒什麽擔憂。

I remember when I was a kid,

但是其中關於手抖 我真的非常不安，

giving presentations in school,

我記得我還是孩子時，

I would have my notes on a piece of paper,

在學校裏演講，

and I would put a notebook behind the paper

我會把筆記寫在一張紙上，

so that people wouldn't be able to see the paper quivering.

然後我會把筆記本墊在後面，

And I give a lot of talks.

這樣人們就不會 發現紙一直在抖動。

I know that about half of you in the audience are probably like,

然後我做了很多演講，

"Building useless machines is really fun,

我知道你們中的一半或許會說：

but how is this in any way or form a business?"

「創造無用的機器發明真有趣，

And giving talks is a part of it.

但要以什麽樣的方式， 或者怎樣才會有商業價值呢？」

And the arrangers always put out a glass of water for you onstage

做一個演講就是其中之一。

so you have something to drink if you get thirsty,

組織者經常會在臺上放一杯水，

and I always so badly want to drink that water,

如果你渴了，你就可以喝，

but I don't dare to pick the glass up

我總是悲慘地會想要喝水，

because then people might be able to see that my hands are shaking.

但是我太怕把杯子擧起來了，

So what about a machine that hands you a glass of water?

因為這樣觀衆就會發現我手抖。

Sold to the nervous girl in the googly-eye shirt.

為什麽不做一個 能遞水給你的機器呢？

Actually, I need to take this off because I have a thing --

把它買給那個穿著 一身曲面工藝眼衣服的女孩。

(Googly eyes rattle)

事實上，我需要把這脫掉， 因為我有一個東西——

Oh.

（曲面工藝與發出聲音）

(Clanking)

哦，

(Laughter)

（叮噹聲）

I still don't know what to call this,

（笑聲）

but I think some sort of "head orbit device,"

我仍然不曉得應該怎麽叫這個東西，

because it rotates this platform around you

但我覺得就像「頭部軌道裝置」，

and you can put anything on it.

因為這個繞著你旋轉

You can have a camera; you can get photos of your entire head.

你可以把任何東西放在上面。

Like it's really -- it's a very versatile machine.

你可以放一個攝像機， 你可以拍你整個腦袋的照片。

(Laughter)

就像真的—— 多用途機器。

OK, and I have --

（笑聲）

I mean, you can put some snacks on it, for example,

好的，我有——

if you want to.

我的意思是，你可以 放一些零食在上面，比如，

I have some popcorn here.

如果你想的話。

And you just put a little bit like that.

我這有一些爆米花，

And then you want to --

你就像這樣放一些在那，

there's some sacrifices for science --

如果你想要的話——

just some popcorn falling on the floor.

有些要為科學獻身了——

Let's do the long way around.

有些爆米花掉地上了。

(Robot buzzes)

讓我們繞遠路。

(Laughter)

（機器聲音）

And then you have a little hand.

（笑聲）

You need to adjust the height of it,

然後你有這個小手，

and you just do it by shrugging.

你需要調整它的高度，

(Laughter)

你衹需要聳聳肩。

(Applause)

（笑聲）

It has a little hand.

（掌聲）

(Hand thwacks)

這裏還有個小手。

(Laughter)

（小手發出的聲音）

(Applause)

（笑聲）

I just bumped my mic off,

（掌聲）

but I think we're all good.

我剛剛把麥克風撞了，

OK, also I need to chew this popcorn,

但我覺得我們應該沒什麽問題。

so if you guys could just clap your hands a little bit more --

好的，我要咀嚼下著爆米花，

(Applause)

所以你們大家幫個忙， 鼓掌聲響一點——

OK, so it's like your own little personal solar system,

（掌聲）

because I'm a millennial,

好，這就像你個人的太陽系，

so I want everything to revolve around me.

因為我是個千禧一代，

(Laughter)

所以我想要所有東西都繞著我轉。

Back to the glass of water, that's what we're here for.

（笑聲）

So, I promise -- I mean, it still has --

回到一杯水的話題， 我們在這裏就等這個。

it doesn't have any water in it,

所以，我保證—— 我的意思是，它還是——

I'm sorry.

它裏面沒水，

But I still need to work on this machine a little bit

我很抱歉。

because I still need to pick up the glass and put it on the platform,

但我還是要改進這個裝置，

but if your hands are shaking a little bit,

因我還需自己拿起水杯， 放到這表面上，

nobody's going to notice

但是如果你手抖得不是很厲害，

because you're wearing a very mesmerizing piece of equipment.

不會有人注意

So, we're all good.

因為你穿戴著這麽一件迷人的裝置。

OK.

所以，我們沒問題。

(Robot buzzes)

好的。

(Singing)

（裝置聲音）

Oh no, it got stuck.

（哼歌聲）

Isn't it comforting that even robots sometimes get stage fright?

哦不，卡住了。

It just gets stuck a little bit.

連機器有時都會怯場 不是令人欣慰嗎？

It's very human of them.

衹是卡住了一點。

Oh wait, let's go back a little bit,

它們可真像人。

and then --

哦等一下，我們倒回去一點，

(Glass falls)

然後——

(Laughter)

（杯子掉落）

Isn't it a beautiful time to be alive?

（笑聲）

(Laughter)

這一刻還活著真好，對吧？

(Applause)

（笑聲）

So as much as my machines can seem like simple engineering slapstick,

（掌聲）

I realize that I stumbled on something bigger than that.

所以我的機器 簡直就和工程鬧劇一樣，

It's this expression of joy and humility that often gets lost in engineering,

我意識到我偶然發現了更大的東西。

and for me it was a way to learn about hardware

這不就是我們常在工程設計中， 丟掉的那些喜悅和謙卑之情，

without having my performance anxiety get in the way.

對於我來説，這是 學習硬體的一種方式，

I often get asked if I think I'm ever going to build something useful,

沒有所謂的表演焦慮會阻擋我。

and maybe someday I will.

經常有人問我，有沒有想過 去創造一些有用的東西，

But the way I see it,

也許某天我會。

I already have

但是我看到的路，

because I've built myself this job

我所走過的，

and it's something that I could never have planned for,

因為我為自己創造了這個職業，

or that I could --

這是我從未計劃過的，

(Applause)

或者我可以——

It's something that I could never have planned for.

（掌聲）

Instead it happened just because I was enthusiastic about what I was doing,

是從未計劃過的。

and I was sharing that enthusiasm with other people.

衹是碰巧我熱愛我正在做的事情，

To me that's the true beauty of making useless things,

以及與其他的人分享我的熱情。

because it's this acknowledgment

對於我來説， 創造無用之物真正的美在於，

that you don't always know what the best answer is.

因為這就是承認

And it turns off that voice in your head

你並不總是知道最好的答案。

that tells you that you know exactly how the world works.

它熄掉你腦海中堅信

And maybe a toothbrush helmet isn't the answer,

自己知道這世界如何確切運作的聲音。

but at least you're asking the question.