that's how much I cried in law school.

多到可以讓你游泳

(quirky music)

(古怪音樂)

- So I went into law school doe-eyed, ready to work hard,

我有帶著朝氣的眼神到學校，準備要認真上課

but not really understanding what I was getting into.

但真的理解不了我吸收的東西

- I feel like I blocked a lot of it out.

感覺有聽沒有懂

Law school is traumatizing.

法律學院是令人受創的地方

- Basically, you're with the same 80 people

基本上，你跟 80 位學生

for all of your classes the entire first year of law school.

上完一整年的法律課

You would end class and stand outside

課後你會站在教室外

and just like talk to each other about law school.

彼此做課後分享

- Little groups, you huddle in little groups

一群一群的窩在一起

about how much you hate law school,

聊著你有多恨法律學校

and then shuffle over to the library together.

然後又一起移動到圖書館

- Yeah, together.

是的，一起去

Like, alright, I guess I'll study now.

像是，好的，我想該讀書了

- Like little flamingos.

像是成群結隊的鴨子

- So cold-calling is basically, you're in class

雖機抽問是基本的，當你坐在教室

and then the professor calls on people.

然後教授就會隨機點人起來回答問題

So he might say Tina, "What was the courts rationale?"

所以教授可能會這樣問：『Tina，什麼是 courts rationale？』

and like, "Well what did the dissenting opinion say?"

還有『dissenting opinion 是在講些什麼？』

And not only question, so you know if your professor

不光只有回答文題，你的教授一旦

called on you, you're going to be cold-called

叫了你，整個案件的問題

for the entire case.

都會叫你回答

So you better know it inside and out.

所以最好要徹底了解這些問題

Make inferences about it.

幫問題做個結論

Like have an informed, critical opinion of the case.

像是講述一些基於案件的觀點與評論

And he might leave you for a little bit and come back

然後她會暫時的放你一馬，再回在繼續

and be like, "Tina, what happen in Paul's graph?"

問說：『Paul's graph 發生了什麼事？』

- Right, and you think you're safe,

對，當你認為教授離開的當下

for that moment that he leaves.

你安全了

You're like, I got this, I slay, queen.

你會說，我答對了，我太厲害了

You walk away thinking your Beyonce

你會想像自己是 Beyonce 光彩的過關

and then come back and get hit in the face again

回來接著就被回答不出來的問題

with questions that you can't answer

打臉

cause you have no idea what's going on.

因為你根本就不知道發生什麼事

- So this class, he did a little differently.

所以這堂課，教授做了些變化

He would right a letter on the board.

他在黑板上寫了個字

And so you would walk in, look at the board,

所以你走進來就可以看到

and it's like, "Oh yes, the letter is "S",

像是『噢，是的，字母是"S"』

my last name starts with a "C"".

我的姓氏開頭是"C"

I'm safe for today.

我今天安全了

You knew right at the get-go if you weren't

你一開始就知道自己不會被點名

going to be on-call so you could kind of relax.

你就會鬆一口氣

But if your letter was on the board you're just like scared.

但你的名字出現在黑板上，你就會有點害怕的感覺

I had never missed a class, people don't miss class

我從來都沒有缺課過

in law school also, by the way.

也沒有人會缺法律學校的課

Anyway, so I missed this class

總之，我缺席了這堂課

because I had a doctors appointment.

因為我要去看醫生

That was the day my letter was on the board

那一天我的名字就在黑版上

and I had text messages from like 10 people in class

我收到班上 10 位同學的簡訊

asking me where I was.

問我人在哪

So I guess my professor called my name like three times

我猜教授叫我的名字大概有 3 次

and I wasn't there and it was actually so humiliating.

我不在場，真的有點丟人

The professor I don't think even remembers that probably.

我不認為教授可能還記得

But every single day feel so ashamed, embarrassed, scared.

但每天都感到羞愧、尷尬、害怕

Like nothings going to happen if you get cold-called

被點到回答不出來的話

and don't know the answer.

其實也不會怎麼樣

- It is definitely public shaming.

一定是公眾羞愧

- Yeah.

是啊

- On my birthday, we took our first criminal law exam.

在我生日當天，我們考了第一次的刑法測驗

I slept through my class the next day, through that morning

隔天的課我就睡過頭，睡了整個早上

and I missed class.

缺了課

So twelve o'clock rolls around, I wake up,

大概到 12 點我才醒來

I don't really know how sober I am

我真的不清楚當時有沒有清醒

but you can't miss class.

但你就是不能缺課

So I throw on my girly pink running shorts,

所以我穿上我的粉紅短跑褲

I run from the mission district through it

我從舊金山教會區

to the tenderloin, which is like a 10, 15 minute run.

跑到舊金山田德隆，大概 10 到 15分鐘的路程

So I'm covered in sweat, I have Pedialyte as my breakfast,

滿身是汗，喝了電解水當我的早餐

and I have my aviator sunglasses and I stroll into class

戴我的著 aviator 戴陽眼鏡，悠哉地走進教室

and I'm like, yes I got this.

當時心想，我可以搞定

I don't got this.

我搞不定

So I'm in class, everybody is already staring at me

我在教室，每個人都已經在看著我

because I'm suppose to be on-call.

因為我應該要在教室待命

It's civil procedure, I have no idea what's going on.

這堂是民事訴訟課，我不知道發生了什麼事

The professor is sitting in front of our lecture.

教授座在教室前面

He turns to me and we make eye contact

他轉向我，我們彼此互看一下

and for a moment in my life I'm like,

人生此刻感覺像是

this is it, this is when I go, Mom.

注定了，該是要走的時候，媽媽

I'm sorry, I love you, I've shamed you.

我對不起妳，我愛妳，我讓你丟臉

So I felt myself about to throw up

我有點想嘔吐

and we're locking eyes and I can't feel it like a chipmunk.

我們眼睛就一直對看，感覺好像花栗鼠

Just culminating in my mouth because I'm so nervous.

嘴巴滿到快吐出來，因為我很緊張

By this time I'm a marathon runner,

這一次我是個馬拉松跑者

I just ran to the tenderloin, I just ran to school.

我跑過了舊金山田德隆，到了學校

So I run into the bathroom and he didn't even call on me.

我跑到廁所，他也沒有叫名字

So I puke in the bathroom for no reason

所以沒有理由的吐在廁所

and I'm too ashamed to go back into the class.

我羞愧到不想回去教室

So my ride or die law school homie,

我同甘共苦的好姊妹

she luckily picks up my stuff and just kind of walks it out

她很幸運地檢到我的東西，走出教室

and everyone just forgets that ever happened.

大家就這樣忘了剛剛發生的事

It was traumatizing though, ruined that bathroom.

不過這難以忘記的嘔吐毀了廁所

So I was sent to Texas for Moot Court

我被送到德州的模擬法庭

and it was the Houston competition.

是個 Houston competition 的案子

- Moot court is like mock trial,

模擬法庭是個模擬試驗

but it is a little different.

但有點不太一樣

- It's less exciting and theatrical, I think.

我認為它的興奮感與戲劇感比較少

- We don't get to yell out, "I object,

我們不用大聲喊『我反對』

- Yeah, no.

是啊，不用

- "You can't handle the truth."

『妳沒辦法承受真相』

One really old lawyer man

一位年長的男士

comes up to us and he was just talking to us,

走上前來，跟我們說話

it was really early in the morning

當時真的非常的早

and he looks at me and goes,

他看我一下就走了

"I'm surprised they let women argue."

『我非常訝異他們讓女生跟我辯論』

Silence.

寂靜

From our table.

我們這桌

And we're from San Francisco area so we're not use

我們來自舊金山，所以我們不習慣

to the type of discrimination or at least,

這類型的歧視

I'm not use to the type of discrimination

我不習慣面對在德州才會有

that I would have to face in Texas.

的歧視

And without missing a beat, I just looked at him

接著馬上看了他一下

and was like, "I look forward to surprising every body."

然後我期待驚訝全場

And it was something that I necessarily wasn't

這真的是進法律學校前

prepared for coming into law school.

沒有預料到的

I didn't realize how much biased and prejudice

我沒意識到我會看到現任律師的

I would get from current attorneys,

嚴重的傲慢與偏見

especially being a woman of color, first generation law.

特別是身為一位有色的女人，女性法學院第一世代

But it was something in Texas that kind

但這是在德州讓我

of hit me in the face.

丟臉的事情

And that was my terrible experience.

也是我很慘的經驗

It just threw me for the whole competition

整場模擬官司一直被羞辱

so I did end up rolling my eyes and saying "Mhm" a lot.

所以我就一直翻白眼，一直回應著"恩"

I got a little feisty, I got a little attitude over there.

我有點小怒，在那裡表現有點不滿

- Yeah, I would leave, I feel like.

是的，我會離開，我感覺

- We didn't get very far.

我們沒有做的太超過

- Yeah that's for the best probably.

是啊，這樣對大家都好

- Yeah.

是啊

(laughing)

(笑聲)

- I'm banned from Texas.

我被禁止去德州了

- Yeah, goodbye.

是啊，再見德州

I had an exam, it was my first year of law school,

我有個考試，是我法學院的第一年

my first semester, so it was one of my first exams.

第一個學期，所以只是我其中一個考試

I studied a lot, I felt fine.

我 K 了很久的書，覺得還可以

Just as I'm ready to get into the exam

就在準備好可以參加考試的時候

I go to the library to just review things very quickly

我去圖書館，想說在考試前

before going into the classroom.

快速的再複習一下

And I look over to my left and there's a girl in my class

我往左邊看去，有個在我的班上的小女孩

a smart girl, like someone who should be feeling

一個聰明、像是會比我還要有自信的女孩

better than me, is sobbing in a study room.

她正在圖書室哭泣

Like crying, sobbing.

她是在哭

That just really tore up my life.

真的毀了我的人生

- Confession session.

坦承時間

It wasn't me.

那不是我

I walked into my civil procedure class,

我走進民事訴訟課堂

which is funny because I'm attorney now

感到有趣，因為我現在是位律師

and I do nothing but civil procedure.

我專攻的是民事訴訟

But in law school it's terrifying.

但在法學院非常的糟糕

I walk in, I sit down.

我走進去，坐下

My little sister was hyping me up all day.

我的小姊妹鼓勵我一整天

She was just like, you got this, you slay,

她就這樣說，妳可以的，妳很厲害

walk in there like you own it.

妳就像是擁有它一樣的走進去

I do and then I open the first page of my booklet,

我照做然後翻開我書冊的第一頁

I look down and I just start balling.

看著它，開始兩行淚

In the exam room, just crying.

在考試間，就想哭

And I try to look cute because I figure

我嘗著試裝可愛因為我知道

if I'm going to fail, I'm going to look fly as I fail.

如果我沒考過我也要看來很迷人

And I did it, mascara was running everywhere.

我做到了，睫毛膏畫得很滿

My cat eye was not cute like it is, it was everywhere.

我的貓眼睛沒有這麼的可愛，睫毛膏畫得很滿

Half of my eye brow wasn't even done,

我連一半的眉毛都沒有畫完

I don't even know how that happened.

我都不知道它怎麼發生的

It was the trauma of civil procedure

真是堂難以忘記的民事訴訟課

and so I had to work through tears.

我得要含淚撐過去

And my laptop, I was like

然後是我的筆電，我本來還很好

great, now there's water everywhere,

接著筆電上面都是我的淚水

it's gonna explode then I'm going

多到它快要爆炸了，我可能會意外的

to burn the school down accidentally.

把個學校給燒了

So that is my confession about how I cried.

我在法學院就是這麼哭的

- So you did cry?

所以妳有哭

- I cried.

我有

- It really does break you down, like really tests you.

它真的會擊垮妳像是在測試妳

- I don't cry now, anymore.

我現在沒哭了，以後也不會

Except when I'm watching This is Us.

除了看現在這部影片

- You'll cry a lot, you won't recognize yourself.

妳會哭得很慘，認不出自己