Honestly, I forgot this was happening today.

老實說，我都忘記今天要面試了。

I'm so nervous I might throw up.

我緊張到快吐了。

Well, I've already judged you based on how you look.

嗯，我已經從你的外表來評斷你這個人了。

I tried not to, but I did.

我盡可能不以貌取人，但我還是這麼做。

Should I start lying now, or did you wanna small talk about the weather first?

我可以開始扯謊了嗎？還是先跟你聊聊天氣、寒暄一下呢？

You can just like, go ahead and say everything you wrote on there.

你可以直接開始把你上面寫的都講出來。

Sure, well as you can see here, I made up six years of experience.

當然，如你所見，我捏造了六年的經驗。

Head of marketing for Mr. Jones. Nice.

「瓊斯先生」公司的行銷主管，不錯喔！

Correct. That's my dad.

那當然，瓊斯先生就是我爸。

I told him you might call, and he has talking points already.

我早就跟他說你可能會打給他，他已經想好要跟你聊些什麼了。

So tell me about this management position at this company I've never heard of.

那麼，告訴我關於這間我從沒聽過的公司裡管理職務的事吧。

Technically, I was an assistant but I feel like I could've figured it out.

嚴格來說，我只是個助理，但我覺得我是能夠搞懂的。

Mmhmm, let's see what other interview questions I've Googled here.

嗯哼，我們來瞧瞧我剛剛 Google 到的其他面試題目。

Ah, yes, why did you leave your last job?

啊，對了，你為什麼離開上一份工作？

I just feel like I needed a bigger challenge, you know?

我只是覺得我需要更大的挑戰，你懂嗎？

And also I was fired.

然後還有我被炒魷魚了。

Mmhmm, mmhmm.

嗯哼，嗯哼。

Tell me about one of your many weaknesses, and don't say perfectionist, ok? You liar.

告訴我，你多項弱點的其中一項，別跟我說你是完美主義者好嗎？少騙人了。

Honestly, I don't really work that hard.

老實說，我其實沒那麼認真工作啦！

So why do you want this job?

那你為什麼想要這份工作？

I like money.

我喜歡錢。

Says here you're proficient in Photoshop.

這邊寫說你很擅長 Photoshop。

Oh, yeah, I face tune all the time, it's one and the same.

哦，對啊，我每次都幫自己修圖，是同一個人啦！

Potato, potato, am I right?

看起來都差不多，是吧？

Fluent in French, very nice lie.

法語流利，天大的謊言。

Oui.

是的 (法語)。

I know exactly three words, that was one of them.

其實我知道三個單字喔，這是其中一個。

Mmm, trustworthy, I'm not really sure that's a skill.

嗯，值得信任，我不確定這算不算一項技能耶。

Fair, it also depends how many drinks I've had.

對啦，要看我喝了多少酒。

I know it seems like I'm taking informative notes but really I'm just writing, "Don't hire,"

我知道我貌似寫了一些滿有內容的筆記，事實上我正在寫的是「不雇用」，

literally, look, "Don't hire,"

不信你自己看，「不雇用」，

stupid answer, dumb dumb, you're not getting the job.

想都不用想，別傻了，你不會得到這份工作的。

You know, I'm sensing this isn't going well so I'm gonna say a bunch of buzzwords.

你知道嗎，我感覺到情況不太妙，所以我要來說一些潮流用語。

Go for it.

來吧！

Reliable, a team player, self starter.

可靠、富有團隊精神、自動自發。

Mmm, maybe something about efficiency?

嗯，要不要說一些關於效率的詞？

Time management.

時間管理。

There it is.

就是這個！

Problem solver, eh?

善於解決問題，是吧？

Eh?

是吧？

I'm really enjoying feeling like I'm in power right now.

我很享受我現在掌控全局的感覺。

Oh, fast learner.

哦，學習能力很強。

Listen, shut up.

聽著，閉嘴。

You're talking a little too much so I'm gonna tell you about our company now.

你有點說得太多了，現在我要來介紹一下我們公司。

Oh, I'm squinting my eyes and nodding as if I'm very interested.

哦，我正瞇著眼、點點頭，裝得我好像很有興趣。

Same, yeah, no, I could care less about this god damn company.

嗯，我也是，我一點也不在乎這該死的公司。

Well, I'm going to overthink everything I said as soon as I walk out.

嗯，等我一走出去後，我就會對剛剛我所說的那些想很多。

We might settle for you.

我們會勉強雇用妳啦！

That's what I'm hoping for.

這正是我所期待的。

Absolutely tragic, so sorry.

太可悲了，我很抱歉。

Aye, you alright there, mate?

欸，還好嗎，朋友？

If you like this video make sure you smash your thumbs up.

如果你喜歡這支影片，務必讚爆它。

You can check on my last video right over there,

你可以到那邊看我的上一支影片，

things people say to people that have acne,

主題是「人們對長痘痘的人所說的話」，

you know spots on their face,

你懂的，臉上的皰疹，

my second vlog channels right over there,

我的 vlog 副頻道在那邊，

it's a mother f'ing riot, so make sure you check that out,

它已經造成騷動了，一定要去看看，

and make sure you subscribe because I make new videos

還有，記得訂閱我，因為我會做新影片，

every Monday and Thursday, mate,

週一和週四會上傳，朋友，

you know I want you to be there.

你知道我想要你出現在那兒。

One love superwoman that is a wrap, and zoop!

愛你們的 Superwoman，影片到此結束，咻！