Hi, hi, sometimes when I feel lonely, I sit in my car for a while before going into the house and imagine I have a family waiting for me inside that I'm trying to get away from.
Then when I remember I live alone and am childless, I feel relieved to be alone.
You should try it, it's great!
I don't have kids because I stressed out about how my kids would grow up messed up because the world is messed up.
Like can you imagine raising a son right now?
With the unrealistic expectations that Disney sets for men!
I mean, it just makes me sad when I think about how my son will have no cartoon role models to look up to in Disney movies.
People talk about how Disney princesses set unrealistic expectations for women all the time, but nobody's talking about how the men are just as bad, if not worse!
First of all, they're all boring, except for maybe Aladdin.
Do you trust me?
I mean, I want to trust you because your hairless sculpted abs are so dreamy, but I can't trust you, because you lied to Jasmine about your identity.
But at least you have an identity.
So that's a pretty good start.
Quick, name three Disney princes and three things you like about their personality.
Trick question, they have no personality.
How much do we know about Prince Charming other than his royal pedigree and apparently poor facial recognition?
Is he a vegetarian?
Is he allergic to mice?
Does he swear in front of his mother?
Okay, we know Snow White loves making pies and has a great singing voice.
We know Ariel is a hoarder and hates her dad.
We know Belle reads dirty novels and is a furry.
But we don't even know if Beast can read?
What message does this send to little boys?
That women don't care who they are, as long as they agree to marry them?
I mean, I can't help but think that's not going to lead to a lot of happily ever afters.
This isn't an exaggeration.
Snow White dreams about the Prince marrying her.
♫ Some day my prince will come.
Even though she doesn't know anything about him!
She sings about him before she even meets him, which means she sees him as an idea in her head and not as a real person, and then when he tries to introduce himself and I dunno, maybe tell her a little more about who he is, she runs away like a lunatic.
Probably 'cuz men are better seen than heard or something.
Oh no, if I get to know this guy I might not like him, and then how will I marry him?
Ugh, better to hold him up to some unrealistic standard of gentleman in my head and then pick a fight with him when it turns out he's not at all who I tried to force him to be.
And then there's Sleeping Beauty.
She meets Prince Philip in the woods while she's fantasizing about falling in love.
♫ I know you, I walked with you.
♫ Once upon a dream.
Much like Snow White, Aurora already has an idea in her head of what falling in love is suppose to be like.
So we're basically telling little boys that you just have to be in the right place at the right time and you'll get the girl, regardless of who you are.
There's no need to develop a personality, just learn how to stalk someone until you catch them dancing alone in the woods.
Speaking of which, the Princes are actively encouraged to take advantage of the princesses and engage in behavior that isn't totally not assault.
I mean, sleeping Beauty is like an obvious one, because she can't consent if she's sleeping.
But even in the Little Mermaid, the sea creatures shame Prince Eric for not being more aggressive with Ariel on the lagoon.
♫ Sha, la, la, la, la.
♫ Ain't that sad.
♫ Ain't it shame, too bad.
♫ You gonna miss the girl.
You know that frustration you feel watching that scene, wondering why he won't just kiss her already?
Did you ever think that the reason he didn't immediately, as the Prince, grab this mute defenseless girl and kiss her, was because maybe he wants to make sure it's like consensual?
Also, these Disney Princes are all hot boys!
Do they all have to be hot boys?
Sure, the Disney princesses all have tiny waists and like at least a decent B-cup, but if we're going to criticize Disney for setting these standards for women, we should talk about the men too.
All of these Princes are crossfit bros, I mean, Eric can row, dive, swim.
Aladdin does parkour, and Prince Philip literally has to fight a dragon.
How is that a useful skill?
None of the Disney princes have any motivations beyond getting a girl.
Even Aladdin, arguably the most actualized Prince, just wants to be a Prince so he can rub Jasmine's magic lamp.
At least the Disney princesses sing about wanting to escape their provincial lives or be a part of some other world, they're dreaming bigger than any Prince does.
And before you tell me that Peter Pan didn't want to grow up.
He doesn't count!
He's a child.
And while we're on the subject, Simba doesn't count either.
He's a lion.
I want my son to model himself after a real adult human cartoon character, okay?
So, let's recap.
Disney teaches men that they don't need to have personalities as long as they're hot.
[Prince] Oh please come back.
I don't even know your name, how will I find you?
How do you dance all night and not like introduce yourself?
You must be boring.
Disney teaches men that the only motivation you need in life is to get the girl.
(soft magical music)
And even when you get the girl, she only likes you because of an idea in her head, and not because of who you really are.
♫ Tonight, forget.
Disney also teaches men to be aggressive when it comes to making a move.
Lie, stalk, pressure them, whatever it takes to get the job done.
I wish for you to make me a prince.
All right, yo, yo.
The only man in Disney princess movies I care for is the Hunter in Snow White.
Now that's a real man.
Forgive me, I beg your highness.
He's not only average looking, but he also has his own agency and saves Snow White's life and like, didn't get weird with her in the woods or anything.
Can you imagine if he was a Prince?
He'd probably have tried to kiss her, and she would have liked it.
That's not victim blaming, that is Disney blaming.
Anyways, the Hunter is chill.
We should all be more like the Hunter.
Even though he 100% would have killed Snow White if she wasn't hot.
So, I dunno.
Just don't have kids, I guess?
Oh, I don't have kids.
Ah, who wants to party?
♫ Ooh, ooh, ooh.
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