What is a parent?

什麼是父母？

It's not an easy question.

到底什麼是父母？

Today we have adoption,

這是個不容易回答的問題。

stepfamilies,

現在我們有領養、

surrogate mothers.

繼父（母）家庭、

Many parents face tough questions

代理孕母。

and tough decisions.

許多父母面臨棘手的問題與抉擇。

Shall we tell our child about the sperm donation?

我們是否應該告訴自己孩子 有關捐精的事情？

If so, when?

如果是，什麼時候說？

What words to use?

又該如何說呢？

Sperm donors are often referred to as "biological fathers,"

捐精者通常被視為「親生父親」，

but should we really be using the word "father?"

但我們真的應該用 「父親」這字眼嗎？

As a philosopher and social scientist,

身為一位哲學家與社會學家，

I have been studying these questions about the concept of parenthood.

我一直在研究有關 父母身份概念的問題。

But today, I will talk to you about what I learned

但今天我要談的是我從與父母 及小孩交談中學到了什麼。

from talking to parents and children.

我將告訴各位他們知道 一個家庭最重要的是什麼，

I will show you that they know what matters most in a family,

儘管他們家庭與其他家庭有些不同。

even though their family looks a little different.

我將告訴各位他們以創意 來處理棘手問題的方式，

I will show you their creative ways of dealing with tough questions.

但我也將告訴各位 這些父母的疑惑。

But I will also show you the parents' uncertainties.

我們訪問在根特大學附設醫院 接受生育治療的夫婦，

We interviewed couples

他們接受來自捐精者的精子。

who received fertility treatment at Ghent University Hospital,

在這治療時間表中，

using sperm from a donor.

各位可以看到 我們進行訪談的兩個時間點。

In this treatment timeline,

我們納入異性戀夫婦，

you can see two points at which we conducted interviews.

男方因某種原因 沒有良好品質的精子，

We included heterosexual couples,

以及顯然需要自別處 取得精子的女同性戀夫婦。

where the man for some reason did not have good-quality sperm,

我們也納入小孩，

and lesbian couples who obviously needed to find sperm elsewhere.

我希望知道

We also included children.

那些小孩如何界定 諸如父母身份與家庭的概念。

I wanted to know

這些就是我詢問他們的事，

how those children define concepts like parenthood and family.

只是我沒有那麼直接。

In fact, that is what I asked them,

我改為畫蘋果樹，

only not in that way.

這樣我就能問些抽象、 哲學性的問題，

I drew an apple tree instead.

這樣孩子們不至於跑掉。

This way, I could ask abstract, philosophical questions

如各位所見，

in a way that did not make them run off.

這蘋果樹是空的，

So as you can see,

而這正是我的研究方法 。

the apple tree is empty.

藉著這樣的設計技巧，

And that illustrates my research approach.

我盡可能不在訪談中 帶入意圖與主題，

By designing techniques like this,

因為我希望聽到他們的心聲。

I can bring as little meaning and content as possible to the interview,

我問他們：

because I want to hear that from them.

如果你的家是一顆蘋果樹， 那會看起來像什麼？

I asked them:

接著，用一個紙蘋果 代表他們眼中的家庭成員之一，

What would your family look like if it were an apple tree?

寫上名字，並將它掛在 他們想掛的位置，

And they could take a paper apple for everyone who, in their view,

然後我會問些問題。

was a member of the family,

大多數的孩子會以 父母或兄弟姐妹開始。

write a name on it and hang it wherever they wanted.

有一位以「布克瑟」開始，

And I would ask questions.

那是他祖父母一隻已逝去的狗。

Most children started with a parent or a sibling.

此時，沒有任何小孩以捐精者開始，

One started with "Boxer,"

所以，我詢問他們出生的故事。

the dead dog of his grandparents.

我說：「在你出生前，

At this point, none of the children started mentioning the donor.

只有你的媽媽和爸爸，

So, I asked them about their birth story.

或是媽媽和媽咪。

I said, "Before you were born,

你能否告訴我 你如何來到這個家庭呢？」

it was just your mom and dad,

然後他們開始解釋。

or mom and mommy.

有一位說：

Can you tell me how you came into the family?"

「我的父母沒有好的種子，

And they explained.

但有些善心男士有多餘的種子，

One said,

他們把它們帶到醫院，

"My parents did not have good seeds,

然後裝在一個大罐子裡。

but there are friendly men out there who have spare seeds.

媽咪到那兒，

They bring them to the hospital,

她從罐子裡拿了兩粒，

and they put them in a big jar.

一粒是我的，一粒是我妹妹的。

My mommy went there,

她把種子放進她的肚子──

and she took two from the jar,

不知怎麼地──

one for me and one for my sister.

她的肚子變得很大，

She put the seeds in her belly --

然後就有我了。」

somehow --

嗯！

and her belly grew really big,

所以只在他們開始提到捐精者後，

and there I was."

我會用他們的字眼， 詢問有關捐精者的問題。

Hmm.

我說：

So only when they started mentioning the donor,

「假如這蘋果代表那位 給種子的善心男士，

I asked questions about him, using their own words.

你會怎麼放這蘋果呢？」

I said,

其中一位男孩說出他的想法，

"If this would be an apple for the friendly man with the seeds,

他拿著蘋果，

what would you do with it?"

然後說：

And one boy was thinking out loud,

「我不會把這粒和其他的放在一起，

holding the apple.

他不是我家庭的一份子。

And he said,

但我不會把他放在地上，

"I won't put this one up there with the others.

那裡太冷也太硬。

He's not part of my family.

我想他應該擺在樹幹上，

But I will not put him on the ground.

因為他造就了我的家。

That's too cold and too hard.

假如不是他這樣做，

I think he should be in the trunk,

那會很糟榚，因為我的家將不存在，

because he made my family possible.

而我也不會在這裡。」

If he would not have done this,

同樣地，父母也編了家庭故事

that would really be sad because my family would not be here,

來說給他們孩子聽。

and I would not be here."

一對夫婦解釋他們的受精，

So also, parents constructed family tales --

是帶他們的小孩到一座農場，

tales to tell their children.

去看一位獸醫給母牛做授精。

One couple explained their insemination

為何不可呢？

by taking their children to a farm

這是他們的解釋方式；

to watch a vet inseminate cows.

他們自助式的家庭故事，

And why not?

自助式！

It's their way of explaining;

另外還有一對夫婦製作圖書──

their do-it-yourself with family narratives.

每個小孩各一本。

DIY.

它們真的是藝術品，

And we had another couple who made books --

內容有他們對 整個治療過程的想法和感受，

a book for each child.

甚至還有醫院的停車票在裡面。

They were really works of art

這就是自助式：

containing their thoughts and feelings throughout the treatment.

找出方法、詞語和圖像 把你的家庭故事告訴孩子。

They even had the hospital parking tickets in there.

而這些故事非常多樣化，

So it is DIY:

但它們有一個共同點：

finding ways, words and images

就是一個渴望和冀求有小孩的故事，

to tell your family story to your child.

是有關他們既特別又摰愛的小孩。

And these stories were highly diverse,

研究至今顯示這些小孩都很正常，

but they all had one thing in common:

他們並沒有比其他孩子 有更多的問題。

it was a tale of longing for a child

不過，這些父母還是想要 透過敘述的故事，

and a quest for that child.

來證明他們的決定是對的。

It was about how special and how deeply loved their child was.

他們希望孩子們 會理解用這方式來建立家庭。

And research so far shows that these children are doing fine.

潛在的原因是擔心孩子們 可能反對並排斥非親生的父母，

They do not have more problems than other kids.

而那種擔心是可理解的，

Yet, these parents also wanted to justify their decisions

因為我們生活在一個 非常異性戀和基因化的社會──

through the tales they tell.

這個世界依舊相信

They hoped that their children would understand their reasons

真正的家庭是由媽媽、爸爸

for making the family in this way.

和他們基因相關的小孩所組成。

Underlying was a fear that their children might disapprove

那麼，

and would reject the non-genetic parent.

我要跟你說一個青少年男孩的事，

And that fear is understandable,

他是捐精受孕的， 但並非我們研究中的一員。

because we live in a very heteronormative

有一天，他和他的父親起爭執，

and geneticized society --

他大嚷：

a world that still believes

「你幹嘛指使我？

that true families consist of one mom, one dad

你根本不是我的父親！」

and their genetically related children.

那正是我們研究中的 父母所擔心的。

Well.

男孩不久後感覺內疚， 接著他們就言歸於好。

I want to tell you about a teenage boy.

但他父親的反應是最有趣的了。

He was donor-conceived but not part of our study.

他說：

One day, he had an argument with his father,

「這次爆發衝突與缺少基因無關，

and he yelled,

與青春期有關──

"You're telling me what to do?

鬧彆扭。

You're not even my father!"

他們在這個年齡都會這樣，

That was exactly what the parents in our study feared.

會度過的。」

Now, the boy soon felt sorry, and they made up.

這位男士告訴我們當事情出錯時，

But it is the reaction of his father that is most interesting.

我們不應立即認為

He said,

是自己家和別人家有點不同的緣故。

"This outburst had nothing to do with the lack of a genetic link.

這些事情在所有家庭都會出現。

It was about puberty --

而且偶而

being difficult.

所有父母都可能會懷疑：

It's what they do at that age.

我是一個夠好的父母嗎？

It will pass."

這些父母也是。

What this man shows us

總之，他們想做對孩子最好的事。

is that when something goes wrong,

但有時他們也會困惑：

we should not immediately think

我是真正的父母嗎？

it is because the family is a little different.

而他們的困惑是早在成為 父母之前就存在了。

These things happen in all families.

在剛開始接受治療，

And every now and then,

初次見輔導員時，

all parents may wonder:

他們非常仔細聆聽輔導員所說，

Am I a good enough parent?

因為他們希望把事情做對。

These parents, too.

即使 10 年後，

They, above all, wanted to do what's best for their child.

他們仍然記得輔導員給予的建議。

But they also sometimes wondered:

所以當他們回想輔導員 及他所給的建議，

Am I a real parent?

我們討論了這些。

And their uncertainties were present long before they even were parents.

我們面談的一對女同性戀夫婦說：

At the start of treatment,

「當我們的兒子問我們，

when they first saw the counselor,

『我有父親嗎？』

they paid close attention to the counselor,

我們會說：『不，你沒有。』

because they wanted to do it right.

但除非他問，我們不會多說什麼，

Even 10 years later,

因為他可能還沒有心理準備。

they still remember the advice they were given.

輔導員是這麼對我們說的。」

So when they thought about the counselor

嗯！

and the advice they were given,

我不知道；

we discussed that.

這和我們回答孩子 問題的方法有很大不同。

And we saw one lesbian couple who said,

例如孩子問： 「牛奶是在工廠製造嗎？」

"When our son asks us,

我們會說：「不，它來自母牛。」

'Do I have a dad?'

而且我們會談到農夫，

we will say 'No, you do not have a dad.'

以及最後牛奶是怎麼到商店的。

But we will say nothing more, not unless he asks,

我們不會說：

because he might not be ready for that.

「不，牛奶不是在工廠製造的。」

The counselor said so."

這有一點奇怪，

Well.

當然孩子們也注意到了。

I don't know; that's quite different

一位男孩說：

from how we respond to children's questions.

「我問我父母許多問題，

Like, "Milk -- is that made in a factory?"

但他們的舉動真的很奇怪。

We will say, "No, it comes from cows,"

所以我有位同學， 她和我一樣是捐精受孕的。

and we will talk about the farmer,

當我有問題，我就去問她。」

and the way the milk ends up in the shop.

聰明的傢伙！

We will not say,

問題解決了。

"No, milk is not made in a factory."

但他父母並沒注意到，

So something strange happened here,

而且肯定這不是他們心中盤算的，

and of course these children noticed that.

也不是當他們在談論開放溝通 是如何重要時，輔導員心中盤算的。

One boy said,

而那就是「建議」奇怪的地方。

"I asked my parents loads of questions,

當我們給人們藥丸， 我們會先收集證據。

but they acted really weird.

我們會做測試、

So, you know, I have a friend at school, and she's made in the same way.

做追踪研究。

When I have a question, I just go and ask her."

我們希望正確地知道 這藥丸的作用，

Clever guy.

以及如何影響人們的生活。

Problem solved.

而建議呢？

But his parents did not notice,

對建議或來自專家合理或善意的 建議而言，都是不夠好的。

and it certainly was not what they had in mind,

建議應該是有證據支持──

nor what the counselor had in mind

可真正改善病人的生活品質。

when they were saying how important it is to be an open-communication family.

所以身為哲學家的我 現在要提供各位一個悖論：

And that's the strange thing about advice.

我建議各位停止遵循建議。

When we offer people pills, we gather evidence first.

但是，就是這樣。

We do tests,

（掌聲）

we do follow-up studies.

我不會用「出了什麼差錯」 來結束演講；

We want to know, and rightly so, what this pill is doing

否則對那些家庭的熱情不公。

and how it affects people's lives.

記得那些自製圖書 和帶孩子到農場去嗎？

And advice?

當父母做了對他們管用的事情，

It is not enough for advice,

他們就做了明智的事。

or for professionals to give advice that is theoretically sound,

我希望各位記住， 作為家庭的一份子，

or well-meant.

無論以任何方式或形式，

It should be advice that there is evidence for --

家庭所需要的是溫暖的關係。

evidence that it actually improves patients' lives.

我們不需要成為專家才能製造那些，

So the philosopher in me would now like to offer you a paradox:

我們大多已做得不錯，

I advise you to stop following advice.

雖然可能很辛苦的。

But, yes.

有時我們可以依一些建議去做，

(Applause)

如果那樣的話，

I will not end here with what went wrong;

請謹記三件事。

I would not be doing justice to the warmth we found in those families.

採用對你家庭有幫助的建議去做。

Remember the books and the trip to the farmer?

記住──你是專家， 因為你生活在你家庭中。

When parents do things that work for them,

最後，

they do brilliant things.

相信你自己的能力和創造力，

What I want you to remember as members of families,

因為你自己可以做到。

in no matter what form or shape,

謝謝大家。

is that what families need are warm relationships.

（掌聲）

And we do not need to be professionals to create those.

Most of us do just fine,

although it may be hard work,

and from time to time, we can do with some advice.

In that case,

bear in mind three things.

Work with advice that works for your family.

Remember -- you're the expert, because you live your family life.

And finally,

believe in your abilities and your creativity,

because you can do it yourself.

Thank you.

(Applause)