So I'm on line at the supermarket.

Two women in front of me.

One of them, her total was $8. The other, $3.

They both, of course, choose to pay by the use of the check.

Fact is, if it is a woman in front of you that's writing out the check...

... you'll not be waiting long.

I have noticed that women are very fast with checks.

You know, because they write out so many checks.

The keys, they can never find. They don't know where that is.

But the checkbook, they got that.

They never fumble for the checkbook.

The checkbook comes out of a holster.

"Who do I make it out to?

There's my ID. "

There's something about a check, that, to a man, is not masculine.

I don't know exactly what it is. I think, to a man...

... a check is like a note from your mother.

"I don't have any money, but if you'll contact these people...

... l'm sure they'll stick up for me. If you could just trust me this one time.

I don't have any money, but I have these.

I wrote on these.

Is this of any value at all?"

What's that one?

Cocoon II, The Return.

I guess they didn't like it up there.

Maybe they came back for Chinese food.

You know, Maureen Stapleton gets a craving...

... she's probably screaming at those aliens:

"I gotta have a lo mein. "

Okay, what are we doing here? I have seen everything.

Oh, yeah?

I don't believe you've seen this.

- Oh, lovely. - Yeah.

What do you think their parents think?

"So, what's your son doing now, Dr. Stevens?"

"Oh, he's a public fornicator. "

"Yes, he's a fine boy. "

You know, this would be a really funny gift for Pamela's birthday.

Pamela. Do I know her?

Yeah, you met her when we were going out.

Oh, yeah, right.

You have no idea who I'm talking about, do you?

No.

Blond hair, remember? Glasses.

Have you totally blocked out the entire time we were a couple?

- Riverside Drive. - Right.

In fact... No. Never mind.

Well, what is it?

A bunch of people are getting together tomorrow at some bar...

... for her birthday, but...

You don't want to go to that. No. Okay.

Wait a second. Wait a second.

We could work out a little deal here.

- What little deal? - I will go to that...

... you go with me to the little family wedding I have on Saturday.

A wedding?

- Have you lost it, man? - My parents are coming in for this.

- They're coming in? - Yeah, tomorrow.

Hey, did your father ever get that hair weave?

No, no.

Still doing the big sweep across.

Why does he do that?

Doesn't think anyone can tell.

So, come on, do we have a deal?

A wedding?

There's a lot of people to mock.

- All right. What the hell. - Great.

When you're dead, you're dead. That's it. You're not going anywhere.

- Come on, let's go. - Was I supposed to bring something?

- You could have. - I met her one time.

- It is not necessary. - Then what did you say that for?

- Hi. - Hi, Pamela.

- You remember Jerry? - Yes, we met.

- Happy birthday. - Thanks.

Everybody, this is Jerry and Elaine.

- Hi. - Hi.

I didn't bring anything.

- I put you two right here. - Oh, okay.

I'm sorry. I didn't know what... You know.

Nobody's told me anything about this...

How big a tip you think it would take to get him to stop?

I'm in for 5.

I'll supply the hat.

What do we have here?

Why don't you relax, and take your jacket off.

I can't. I have a tendency to get chilly.

How masculine.

Plus I'm wearing short sleeves. I don't want to expose my tattoos.

She's unbelievable.

- Hey, this guy says he know Bricker. - Oh, you know Bricker? From where?

What's going on here?

Got to be her boyfriend. She's too good to be alone.

What's the difference? I can't manoeuvre anyway...

... with Elaine next to me.

- How do you know Pamela? - Friend of a friend.

- And you? - We went to law school together.

Oh, Jerry.

Oh, no. Not now.

I had this dream last night, and you were in it.

- Really? - Yeah.

Oh, God, I gotta get out of this.

You were you, but you weren't you.

- No kidding? - Yeah.

Why is this happening? Please mak e her stop.

I think... I think we were in my house where I grew up...

... and you were standing there. You were looking out the window.

This is brutal.

And then you turned around, and you had these wooden teeth.

How do you like that?

Can I turn now? Is this over?

No, I can't. I can't. I'm stuck.

Jerry, are you listening to me?

Yes. I heard you.

Elaine, what's the name of that jewellery store you took me to that time?

Thank you, Pamela.

So, you're a lawyer?

Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taff.

Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taff.

Of course, they handled my tattoo-removal lawsuit.

- Oh, that was you. - Imagine.

Spelling "mom" with two O's.

That's very funny.

- What do you do? - Comedian.

Really? That explains it.

Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taff.

You ready?

We gotta run. Happy birthday.

- Bye, everyone. - Thanks for coming.

- Bye. - Bye.

I can't believe it. I got nothing.

I don't even know her name.

Sagman, Bennett, Robbins, Oppenheim and Taff.

That wasn't so bad, really.

You know...

... you could use a little work on your manners.

Why? What did I do?

Well, I just don't appreciate these little courtesy responses...

... like I'm selling you aluminium siding. - I was listening.

No. You couldn't wait to get back to your little conversation.

No. You were talking about the dream you had...

... where you had wooden teeth. - No!

No! You had wooden teeth!

You had wooden teeth. I didn't have them, you did.

All right, so I had wooden teeth. So what?

So... So nothing. Nothing.

- Hey. - There he is.

This is what I like. See?

You come home, your parents are in your bed.

You know, Jerry, we don't have to do this.

What are you talking about? I love having you here.

- Tomorrow, we'll go to a hotel. - Ma, will you stop?

No. Why should we take over your apartment?

I don't care. I'm sleeping next door.

Your friend Kramer doesn't mind?

No. He's making a bouillabaisse.

So, Dad, let me ask you a question.

How many people work at these big law offices?

- Depends on the firm. - Yeah, but if you called...

... and described someone, you think they would know who it was?

What's the matter, you need a lawyer?

I met someone. I know where she works, but I don't know her name.

Why don't you ask someone who was at the party?

No. The only one I could ask is Elaine. I can't ask her.

- Why not? - Because it's complicated.

There's some tension there.

He used to go with her.

- Which one is she? - From Maryland.

She brought the chocolate-covered cherries you didn't like.

Oh, yeah. Very alert. Warm person.

Oh, yeah, she's great.

So how come nothing materialized there?

Well, it's a tough thing to talk about.

- I don't know. - I know what it was.

You don't know what it was.

So what was it?

Well, we fight a lot for some reason.

- Oh, well. - Oh, well.

And there was a little problem with the physical chemistry.

Well, I think she's a very attractive girl.

She is. She absolutely is.

I can see if there was a weight problem...

No, it's not that.

It wasn't all one-sided.

You know you can't be so particular. Nobody's perfect.

- I know, I know. - You know, Jerry...

... good thing I wasn't so particular.

Idiot.

- Who you looking for, Sophia Loren? - That's got nothing to do with it.

How about Loni Anderson?

Where do you get Loni Anderson?

Why, what's wrong with Loni Anderson?

I like Elaine more than Loni Anderson.

What are you two talking about?

Look, Elaine just wasn't the one.

And this other one's the one?

- I don't know. Maybe. - So ask Elaine there for the number.

I can't. She'll get upset.

I never talk about other women with her...

... especially this one tonight. - How could you still see her...

... if you're not interested? - We're friends.

Doesn't sound like you're friends. If you were friends...

... you'd ask her for the number.

- Do you know where this one works? - Oh, yeah.

So go up to the office.

Up to her office?

Go to the building.

She goes out to lunch, doesn't she?

- I guess. - So you stand in the lobby...

... by the elevator and wait for her to come down for lunch.

You mean stake out the lobby?

Morty, that's ridiculous. Just ask Elaine for the number.

He doesn't want to ask Elaine for the number.

So you got him standing by the elevator like a dope.

- What happens when he sees her? - He pretends he bumped into her.

You know what? This is not that bad an idea.

- What does she look like? - I don't know. It's hard to say.

What actress does she remind you of?

Loni Anderson.

Loni Anderson?

What, there's something wrong with Loni Anderson?

Hey, listen, thanks again for running over here.

Yeah, sure. I was showing a condo on 48th Street.

Besides, you think I want to miss this?

- I'm a little nervous. - Yeah. Me too.

If I see her, what do I say I'm doing in the building?

To see me. I work in the building.

What do you do?

I'm an architect.

You're an architect?

I'm not?

I don't see architecture coming from you.

I suppose you could be an architect.

I never said that I was the architect.

- Just something else. - She's not even going to ask.

If we see her, which is remote.

What do you want me to say, I just wandered in?

We're having lunch with a friend. He works here.

What is his name?

Burt Har...

... binson. Burt Harbinson.

- Burt Harbinson. - Right.

- It sounds made-up. - No good?

All right.

Art...

... Core.

Art Core.

Velay.

- Corevelay? - Yeah, right.

Well, what does he do?

He's an importer.

Just imports? No exports?

He's an importer-exporter, okay?

Did Elaine ever call you back?

No. I guess she's still mad.

I don't understand. You never talk to her about other women?