because I didn't join the Army

很興奮能來這裡談退伍軍人，

because I wanted to go to war.

因為我沒有為了想上戰場而從軍。

I didn't join the Army because I had a lust

我從軍不是因為我渴望

or a need to go overseas and fight.

或需要出國打仗。

Frankly, I joined the Army because

坦白說，我從軍是因為

college is really damn expensive,

唸大學貴得要命，

and they were going to help with that,

他們想幫我；

and I joined the Army because

我從軍是因為

it was what I knew,

我當時只知道這條路，

and it was what I knew that I thought I could do well.

我當時認為我能做得很好。

I didn't come from a military family.

我並非來自軍人家庭。

I'm not a military brat.

我不是軍人子弟。

No one in my family ever had joined the military at all,

我們家族根本沒人從軍過，

and how I first got introduced to the military

我首次和軍方接觸

was when I was 13 years old

是在 13 歲的時候，

and I got sent away to military school,

我被送到軍校，

because my mother had been threatening me

因為我媽從我八歲就開始

with this idea of military school ever since I was eight years old.

就威脅要送我去唸軍校。

I had some issues when I was coming up,

我長大期間有些狀況，

and my mother would always tell me, she's like,

我媽老是說：

"You know, if you don't get this together,

「如果你不振作起來，

I'm going to send you to military school."

我就送你去唸軍校。」

And I'd look at her, and I'd say, "Mommy,

我會看著她，然後說：

I'll work harder."

「媽咪，我會更努力。」

And then when I was nine years old,

到我九歲時，

she started giving me brochures to show me she wasn't playing around,

她開始給我一些小冊子， 讓我知道她是來真的，

so I'd look at the brochures, and I'm like,

我會看著小冊子說：

"Okay, Mommy, I can see you're serious, and I'll work harder."

「媽咪，我知道你是認真的，我會更努力一點。」

And then when I was 10 and 11,

然後在我 10 到 11 歲時，

my behavior just kept on getting worse.

我的行為變得更偏差。

I was on academic and disciplinary probation

我被留校查看的時候

before I hit double digits,

還沒滿 10 歲；

and I first felt handcuffs on my wrists

我的手腕第一次被上手銬

when I was 11 years old.

是在 11 歲的時候。

And so when I was 13 years old,

到了 13 歲，

my mother came up to me, and she was like,

我媽跟我說：

"I'm not going to do this anymore.

「我不幹了。

I'm going to send you to military school."

我要送你去軍校。」

And I looked at her, and I said, "Mommy,

我看著她說：

I can see you're upset, and I'm going to work harder."

「媽咪，我看得出來你很難過， 我會更努力。」

And she was like, "No, you're going next week."

她說：「不，你下星期就得去。」

And that was how I first got introduced

那是我第一次

to this whole idea of the military,

接觸和軍方有關的事，

because she thought this was a good idea.

因為她覺得這是個好主意。

I had to disagree with her wholeheartedly

剛進去時，我打從心底認為她的想法大錯特錯，

when I first showed up there,

因為基本上，在頭四天

because literally in the first four days,

我就已經逃學五次了。

I had already run away five times from this school.

那裡有些黑色大門環繞校園，

They had these big black gates that surrounded the school,

每次他們都會轉身，

and every time they would turn their backs,

我只要從那黑色大門跑出去，

I would just simply run out of the black gates

如果我們不想待在那，只要抓緊機會，

and take them up on their offer that if we don't want to be there,

隨時都能離開。

we can leave at any time.

因此我想：「好吧，如果是那樣的話，

So I just said, "Well, if that's the case,

那我就會離開。」（笑聲）

then I'd like to leave." (Laughter)

結果從沒成功。

And it never worked.

我一直迷路。

And I kept on getting lost.

終於，我在那待了一陣子，

But then eventually,

在這間軍校待滿一整年後，

after staying there for a little while,

我發現自己真的長大了。

and after the end of that first year

我發現自己待在這間學校很愉快，

at this military school,

而喜歡這地方

I realized that I actually was growing up.

是我從未察覺的事：

I realized the things that I enjoyed about this school

我終於感到自己歸屬於某個更大的地方，

and the thing that I enjoyed about the structure

屬於一個團隊，其實和我同在的人們有關，

was something that I'd never found before:

事實上在那裡領導不只是美好的結局，

the fact that I finally felt like I was part of something bigger,

而是一種真實的事，

part of a team, and it actually mattered to people

其實是整個經驗的核心，

that I was there,

因此當我高中快畢業的時候，

the fact that leadership wasn't just a punchline there,

我開始思考自己想做什麼，

but that it was a real, actually core part

就像大部分的學生一樣，

of the entire experience.

我沒什麼想法，也不知道要做什麼。

And so when it was time for me to actually

我想了想自己尊敬和欽佩的對象。

finish up high school,

我想了很多人，

I started thinking about what I wanted to do,

尤其是許多我在生活中景仰的對象。

and just like probably most students,

他們剛好都穿代表美國的制服，

had no idea what that meant or what I wanted to do.

因此對我來說，問題的答案變得顯而易見。

And I thought about the people who I

我想做什麼的問題

respected and admired.

很快就有了答案，

I thought about a lot of the people,

我想當軍官。

in particular a lot of the men, in my life

因此軍隊開始讓我受訓，

who I looked up to.

我說我沒有因為想上戰場而從軍，

They all happened to wear the uniform

其實我在 1996 年時從軍了。

of the United States of America,

其實當時也沒多少戰爭，

so for me, the question and the answer

我從不覺得自己身在險境。

really became pretty easy.

我 17 歲第一次從軍時去找了我媽，

The question of what I wanted to do

基本上我需要家長同意才能從軍，

was filled in very quickly with saying,

所以我把文件交給我媽，

I guess I'll be an Army officer.

然後她只是把那看做是軍校資料。

So the Army then went through this process

她說：「這以前還蠻管用的，

and they trained me up,

就讓他繼續下去吧。」

and when I say I didn't join the Army

她完全沒概念自己要簽的文件

because I wanted to go to war,

其實是讓她兒子

the truth is, I joined in 1996.

成為一名軍官。

There really wasn't a whole lot going on.

我完成手續後，

I didn't ever feel like I was in danger.

只是一心想著，

When I went to my mom,

這太棒了，也許我會在週末服役，

I first joined the Army when I was 17 years old,

或是一整年操練兩週。

so I literally needed parental permission

然而在我登記入伍幾年後，

to join the Army,

在我媽簽署那些文件幾年後，

so I kind of gave the paperwork to my mom,

世界完全變了。

and she just assumed it was kind of like military school.

在 911 之後，我所選擇的職業

She was like, "Well, it was good for him before,

已有全然不同的環境背景。

so I guess I'll just let him keep doing it,"

我首次入伍時，從沒打算要上戰場，

having no idea that the paperwork that she was signing

但當我入伍後，

was actually signing her son up

那是無可避免的事。

to become an Army officer.

我想了很多

And I went through the process,

關於自己未來得要帶領的士兵。

and again the whole time still just thinking,

我記得第一次，就在 911 之後，

this is great, maybe I'll serve on a weekend,

911 的三週後，我在飛機上正要出國，

or two weeks during the year, do drill,

但我不是和軍隊一起出國，

and then a couple years after I signed up,

我是因為拿到了獎學金才要出國。

a couple years after my mother signed those papers,

我拿到獎學金出國，

the whole world changed.

準備要在國外唸書和居住，

And after 9/11, there was an entirely new context

我當時住在英國，那裡很有趣，

about the occupation that I chose.

但同時，

When I first joined, I never joined to fight,

和我一起受訓的人，

but now that I was in,

和我一起受訓的所有士兵，

this is exactly what was now going to happen.

我們原本都準備上戰場，

And I thought about so much about the soldiers

他們其實正在路上。

who I eventually had to end up leading.

他們會發現自己正在

I remember when we first, right after 9/11,

前往某個地方的半路上，

three weeks after 9/11, I was on a plane heading overseas,

其實大部分的人，

but I wasn't heading overseas with the military,

我們大部分接受訓練的人

I was heading overseas because I got a scholarship

都無法指出要去地圖上的哪個地方。

to go overseas.

我花了幾年唸完研究所，

I received the scholarship to go overseas

這段期間，

and to go study and live overseas,

我坐在牛津大學的教室裡，

and I was living in England and that was interesting,

基本上這些建築都是數百年前建造，

but at the same time, the same people who

甚至比美國建立還早，

I was training with,

我坐在那裡和師長討論

the same soldiers that I went through all my training with,

法蘭茲．斐迪南大公被刺殺的事，

and we prepared for war,

以及這件事如何引發第一次世界大戰，

they were now actually heading over to it.

我在那裡的所有時間，

They were now about to find themselves

心思都在士兵身上，

in the middle of places the fact is

他們匆忙穿上克維拉防彈裝備，

the vast majority of people,

抓著防彈背心，

the vast majority of us as we were training,

然後確認我轉換的確切位置，

couldn't even point out on a map.

或是我如何在黑暗之中

I spent a couple years finishing graduate school,

清理槍械。

and the whole entire time while I'm sitting there

那是新的現實。

in buildings at Oxford

到我完成學業、回到軍隊時，

that were literally built hundreds of years

我們已準備好部署前進阿富汗，

before the United States was even founded,

在我單位上的士兵

and I'm sitting there talking to dons

現正進行第二、三次的部署，

about the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand,

我連一次都還沒去過。

and how that influenced the start of World War I,

我記得首次和組員走出去時，

where the entire time my heart and my head

當你從軍後，

were on my soldiers

你參與一場戰役，

who were now throwing on Kevlars

每個人都會看你的肩膀，

and grabbing their flak vests

因為你肩上有隊徽。

and figuring out how exactly do I change around

因此，只要你和人見面，

or how exactly do I clean a machine gun

你和他們握手，

in the darkness.

那麼你的眼睛就會落到他們肩上，

That was the new reality.

因為你想看他們在哪服役，

By the time I finished that up and I rejoined

或是他們屬於哪個單位？

my military unit and we were getting ready to deploy to Afghanistan,

我是唯一肩上空無一物的人。

there were soldiers in my unit who were now

每次有人盯著看，我都覺得很尷尬。

on their second and third deployments

但是你有機會和你的士兵對話，

before I even had my first.

你問他們為什麼要從軍。

I remember walking out with my unit for the first time,

我從軍是因為大學學費很貴。

and when you join the Army

許多士兵從軍是出於完全不同的原因。

and you go through a combat tour,

他們從軍，是因為一種責任感。

everyone looks at your shoulder,

他們從軍，是因為他們很生氣，

because on your shoulder is your combat patch.

他們想要做點什麼。

And so immediately as you meet people,

他們從軍，是因為

you shake their hand,

他們的家人說這很重要。

and then your eyes go to their shoulder,

他們從軍，是因為他們想要報仇。

because you want to see where did they serve,

他們從軍是出於各式各樣的原因。

or what unit did they serve with?

而現在，我們都發現自己都在國外

And I was the only person walking around

打這些仗。

with a bare shoulder,

讓我驚訝的是，

and it burned every time someone stared at it.

我開始天真地聽進這種言論，

But you get a chance to talk to your soldiers,

我從未完全了解的言論，

and you ask them why did they sign up.

因為在 911 之後，

I signed up because college was expensive.

你會開始碰到有人過來對你說：

A lot of my soldiers signed up for completely different reasons.

「謝謝你的服務。」

They signed up because of a sense of obligation.

之後我做一樣的事，

They signed up because they were angry

開始對我的士兵說同樣的話。

and they wanted to do something about it.

這件事甚至在我被派上戰場前。

They signed up because

但我其實不懂那是什麼意思。

their family said this was important.

我只是照著說，因為聽起來沒錯。

They signed up because they wanted some form of revenge.

我說是因為那聽起來

They signed for a whole collection of different reasons.

像該對曾在海外服役者說的話。

And now we all found ourselves overseas

「謝謝你的服務。」

fighting in these conflicts.

但是我對這話的內容沒概念，

And what was amazing to me was that I

甚至，

very naively started hearing this statement

甚至對那些聽到的人來說 是什麼意思都不知道。

that I never fully understood,

當我第一次從阿富汗回來，

because right after 9/11, you start hearing this idea

我想如果你從戰場上順利回來，

where people come up to you and they say,

那所有的危險就都結束了。

"Well, thank you for your service."

我想如果你成功從戰區回來，

And I just kind of followed in and started saying

你多少有資格可以擦掉額頭上的汗水說：

the same things to all my soldiers.

「呼，真高興我逃過一劫。」

This is even before I deployed.

卻沒想到對許多人來說，

But I really had no idea what that even meant.

他們回了家，

I just said it because it sounded right.

戰爭還是持續進行。

I said it because it sounded like the right thing to say

戰爭在我們的心裡仍繼續上演。

to people who had served overseas.

戰爭在我們的記憶中仍繼續上演。

"Thank you for your service."

戰爭在我們的情緒中上演。

But I had no idea what the context was

請原諒我們，

or what that even,

若是我們不想待在大批人潮裡。

what it even meant to the people who heard it.

請原諒我們，

When I first came back from Afghanistan,

如果我們花了一個星期

I thought that if you make it back from conflict,

待在有燈光管制的地方，

then the dangers were all over.

那是因為你不准走在白光底下，

I thought that if you made it back from a conflict zone

因為如果有白光，

that somehow you could kind of

在幾哩外就能被看見，

wipe the sweat off your brow and say,

相較之下如果你用小綠燈，

"Whew, I'm glad I dodged that one,"

或是小藍燈，

without understanding that for so many people,

在遠處就不會被看見。

as they come back home,

因此請原諒我們，如果突然間，

the war keeps going.

我們從一個到處有燈光管制的地方，

It keeps playing out in all of our minds.

一個星期後回到時代廣場中央，

It plays out in all of our memories.

我們會很難適應。

It plays out in all of our emotions.

請原諒我們，

Please forgive us

當你回到家裡，

if we don't like being in big crowds.

這個家的運作已經完全習慣沒有你，

Please forgive us

而當你現在回來了，

when we spend one week in a place

要回到正常的感覺不太容易，

that has 100 percent light discipline,

因為正常的意義早已完全改變。

because you're not allowed to walk around with white lights,

我記得當我回來時，我想找人說話。

because if anything has a white light,

我希望有人問問我的經歷。

it can be seen from miles away,

我希望有人來問我：

versus if you use little green

「你是做什麼的？」

or little blue lights,

我希望有人來問我：

they cannot be seen from far away.

「那是什麼樣子？食物嘗起來如何？

So please forgive us if out of nowhere,

那經歷是什麼樣子？你還好嗎？」

we go from having 100 percent light discipline

然而我唯一被問到的是：

to then a week later being back in the middle of Times Square,

「你有槍殺任何人嗎？」

and we have a difficult time adjusting to that.

那些人好奇到什麼都會說。

Please forgive us

因為有時候會有種恐懼和擔心，

when you transition back to a family

在我說了之後，

who has completely been maneuvering without you,

我怕我會冒犯，

and now when you come back, it's not that easy

或是我怕我會引發什麼，

to fall back into a sense of normality,

所以通常就只會什麼都不說。

because the whole normal has changed.

問題是

I remember when I came back, I wanted to talk to people.

那感覺就像是你的服務

I wanted people to ask me about my experiences.

甚至不值得被表彰，

I wanted people to come up to me and tell me,

就像根本沒有人在乎一樣。

"What did you do?"

「謝謝你的服務」，

I wanted people to come up to me and tell me,

然後我們就繼續過日子。